Hi! The last few days have been extremely tough. On Tuesday I went out on a "first date" again. As I was getting ready, I thought, geez I don't want to do this any longer. I just wish God would change Ryan's heart and he'd come back. I had tears in my eyes as I got "pretty" for this new man I'd never met. I realized I only wanted to be getting ready for Ryan. And then yesterday, I was helping my daughter clean her room and I just started crying, because I missed Ryan so much, so then my daughter said momma, do you miss Ryan and Jadyn? (His daughter) I said yes and she said she did too. Then we went to the waterfront and the kids played at the "beach." This brought more tears (thank God I had sunglasses on to hide them), as that's where Ryan and I went on our second Date. I finally came home and put the kids down for a nap and then when Alexis woke she cried for a good hour. When I was able to settle her down she said she really missed Jadyn. I am not the only one taking it hard. The kids talk about them constantly to everyone. People who are upset with the situation get upset. But I have to remind them that those two were a huge part of our lives and we were supposed to spend our lives with them. There are days when it's easier and days when I cry and the pain is fresh. People may wonder and think, why don't you get over him, why do you care? Well, if you haven't heard it from the grapevine yet, I am pregnant. It wasn't planned and yes I've prayed to God daily over this. I am at a loss as to what to do. I pray God will bring Ryan back to the baby and I and we will be a family again. I am due Christmas! How Ironic, hu? Yes, the names have been chosen. Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl and we'll call her Izzy and Malachi David for a boy and we'll call him Kai. So, if any of you are in the praying mood, just pray God works things out. I don't want the kids to be without a daddy any longer and I long for a great husband, and man of God! If it's not Ryan, I pray God brings one quickly! So, yes, the road has been tough. Until now, Only my family and best friends know. But as gossip spreads and the word leaks out, I figured now that I am in the clear for not having a miscarriage, I will say. Yes, the doctors believe that there were 2 and I miscarried one. There is an empty spot on the ultrasound where they said a baby should have been. It was joined so they said it may have been Identical. I guess I'll never know. Yes, I did bleed a lot and that is what initially put me in the hospital last Thursday! But the baby that remains is healthy and strong and they said it's going to make it! Though I am still a very high risk. So, if any of you have advice or words of encouragement please do share. I feel so alone. I know God is here somewhere but I feel as if He has more important things to tend to than my broken heart or tears that won't stop!
Yes, I am still pursuing my Bachelor's. I will not give up my education. I need to support these three babies. I have asked God for His divine mercy, Grace and forgiveness. I need good friends that will stand with me and not criticize and people who will support me now. I've given so much to so many others that now I feel empty and incomplete and drained. It will be hard being a single mom of 3 and not being allowed to work. I honestly have no idea how I will make ends meet. I am going to do clothe diapers and wipes and try everything I can to save money. But I know there will be times such as now that I have only pennies to my name if that and I will have to trust that God provides!
Yes, some look at this as a mistake and a punishment but God has blessed me with a miracle and gift of life! Back in March I was told I had 6 months to conceive or I would be sterile. Well, God heard my cries. So yes, while Ryan has chosen to abandon me and his new baby, God has still blessed me and I will have to trust that God knows what He's doing. My only fear is, if it's not Ryan, will God really bring me a man that accepts I have 2 and am pregnant? Will he be able to love all of us? It's going to be a miracle! Well, those are some thoughts.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
A lesson in real life
A lesson in real life
Hi! So, it's been a while since I've been excited about life, but let me tell ya, when you need a wake up call, God somehow puts your life on hold until He gets your attention! I knew that God has been talking to me lately but I still wanted to live life my way. Well sometimes our way isn't exactly God's way.
You see, I had made some pretty stupid mistakes the past 4 months. Some life altering mistakes. Little did I know, God was not as happy with my decisions as I wanted Him to be. Well, I mean I knew I disappointed Him, but He's God, He'd get over it right? Well, sure, but what I wanted for my life was NOT what God wanted. You see for the first time in a long time I didn't ask God if Ryan was the man He had chosen for me. You see I was finally doing all the right things and in His will, not even looking for a guy, and Ryan found me so I thought this must be God. Usually I test it and then God gives me a peace or a NO! I had some reservations sure, but I was swept off my feet by him. He said and did all the right things to begin with. He even said he wanted to do missions with me after I got my degree. He was very "supportive." That was until I started asking him tough questions. By the time I realized He was not what I wanted, not the godly man I thought he was it was a little too late. The mistakes were done. So, I decided to love him despite everything. I really thought I did too. The thing is, I loved him with Christ's love because after being in that hospital for the past 3 days solid (I will explain), I knew that no human could possibly go through what he put me through and still love him let alone like him. But to this day, I will not say anything bad about him. I won't say what I've gone through, because I am not going to tear apart who he is. That is not for me to do. I can only love and pray for him. I realized that I still only loved one man. He was a man of the past, but the difference is, he never tried to change me, in fact he respected me and loved who I was and even supported me. So, needless to say the past 4 months have been a pretty much heaven and hell at the same time. I never knew if he was coming or going. And yet my heart still ached because I knew he had potential. I saw who he was once.
So, Thursday morning I went to the hospital. I went to St. Joe's because I didn't feel like TG treated me well last time I went. I was written off. I had such a severe pain that it made me cry. I just wanted to know what it was and get home that afternoon to my children. God had other plans. I was admitted for the pain as they thought it was my appendix. I just wanted to go home. I don't conciously remember staying at any hospital over night other that giving birth. I hated it. I just wanted to hold my kids at night and be home. But God had other plans. He talked to me that day and night. I asked for His forgiveness and wanted to start over. God said that He had not placed a calling in me just to ignore it. And He would remove anyone and anything that got in the way. So Ryan had to go. I didn't realize that while dating Ryan, I strayed further and further from God. I didn't even know how to get back to Him at the time and when things went bad I stopped trusting God. I actually blamed Him. I was so angry with God and I let Him know it! I didn't understand how my family could be torn apart. The thing is Ryan and I were doing great until his ex (whom he thinks he still loves) called him. He decided he never wanted to see me again. 3 days earlier he was talking about marriage. Talk about pain, hurt and confusion! So yes, I blamed God for allowing her to ruin our lives together. But God knew I needed to find me again. It's ironic really. When a person "loves" or thinks they love someone so much they do anything for them. They change their looks (he got me to even dye my hair brown, something I hated, but did for him), their lifestyles and even their thoughts and dreams for this person. They become a "model" and in return loose who they really are. They slowly stop loving life the way they use to and all their dreams and hopes seem to not matter as much until one day they are completely dead. Looking in the mirror that Thursday night I cried. I was hooked up to IV's and I looked horrible! Not just physically but emotionally and mentally I knew I was not the woman I once was back in December. Where did that woman disappear to, I wondered? As I stood there with my legs shaking holding on to the sink (I could barely stand because of the Morphine and Phenergan), I cried. Then I heard a knock on the door and the nurse had asked me if I was ok. I pulled myself together, dried my eyes for a few moments and mustered up a yes, I'll be right out. I came to the door with a half smile on my face. That's all could muster. She said I needed to rest. But I just wanted to cry. Cry over everything that had truly happened, cry over what I'd lost, cry over losing the love of my life, cry over losing myself and my dreams and most of all cry because I failed God yet again. So, I did. Somewhere in the midst of it, God whispered now is the time to follow your calling. He told me that it will be difficult, but not to be distracted again because only in time will He give me the right man and I will KNOW! I told God I wanted to be done with school and I gave up med school back in January when I met Ryan. He said I may have given it up, but He did not. Then I argued, with kids, and my age it would be nearly impossible. God responded with nearly impossible yes, impossible, no! He will give me the strength when I want to give up and just pull my hair out! People aruge that I am foolish and what if it never happens. Then I can say I tried. I didn't give up. That's what happened when I dated Ryan. I gave up. Not just my dreams, but slowly who I was. I don't even know how or when it happened. It just did.
So, now I start over. Yes, I have made some decisions that will affect and change the rest of my life. But what we as humans see as mistakes, God sees as miracles and blessings! Life is a lesson. It's not an easy one by any means. Whoever said life was going to be easy missed the first day in God's school! Whoever said that love never hurts didn't know how to love when you aren't loved in return. And whoever said it's better to love and lost than never loved at all, well apparently either they are high, or they really didn't love or they love feeling the pain. Personally, I think it's better to not have loved than to have lost someone you did love. Because the pain, the brokenness, the agony, the hurt, the endless tears, the sleepless nights, and effects it has on more than just your life are too much to go through. It can ruin a person's spirit. It can break them completely. And let me tell you, that unless you have God, who keeps calling to you and doesn't give up on you, it's going to be a long lonely, sad road of gloom and darkness. He shows you the beauty in everyone and everything.
I questioned God why He let me love Ryan so deeply that even when he hurt me, then came back and then hurt me over and over and over again, and why did I still not find fault in him yet defend him and continue to love him knowing all his faults, knowing all the pain I would endure. Then God spoke and said, I have given you My heart my child. You have the love for Ryan that I have for My people. I love them despite their idols, despite them turning their backs on me, despite them hurting me time and again. I see their faults and see their way of adulteress and I still call to them. I see past their past and their sin and I love them regardless and I will NOT speak bad about my children. I will continue to love them. I asked God that if He wanted to give me His heart and His eyes for the people from now on to just tell me. But, God has to use us, we can't understand fully until we see, feel and taste the pain. The human pain. I know now God was using this and gave me a love for Ryan that I on my own could never have had. Any woman or man for that matter would've written the pain he caused after the first time. Yet, I endure it. And yes, I still pray God changes his heart and touches his life! I know he is suffering and I can see it in his eyes. I sense it in his spirit. So, I get on my knees and pray for him, because he is so very lost. He too needs God, just as I do and we all do!
So yes, God spoke to me when I was in the hospital for 3 days. For 2 of those days I was not allowed even a drop of water to quench my thirst or sooth my throat. Nothing shall pass through my lips were the orders. Then when I was finally allowed some food, it didn't want to agree with me so yet again for another day, not even a drop was allowed to pass my lips. I begged for even one ice chip. But was denied. How dry I felt. My voice went hoarse, my throat swelled, and I was in agony. My vein in my right arm got infected so they removed the needle and started a new line in my left which it too got infected. I begged for them to take it out or start a new one. But the doctor said it was not worth it, he said he wanted me to go home. (Mind you I am now switching doctors) So they put hot packs on it to relieve the pain but oh how it burned and started to swell. Then my shoulder started to go numb and my finger tingled and I begged them to take it out. Not even the Morphine would touch the pain. Finally, they took it out. Let me say, I have NEVER touched drugs, but I can only imagine what a recovering drugging feels like. Both of my arms or in pain and are still burning and bruised at the site. My left arm actually pops when I move my arm past a 90 degree angle or pick something up! It feels like my vein is going to rip! So, though I am home recovering, it's hard to fully get back into the swing of things when the pain still exists and my arms are swollen!
But within all of that hunger and thirst and pain God was teaching me things that I would've never known before. Can I say I want to repeat these past 4 months? Not on anyone's life! Would I ever wish someone go through what I did and am still dealing with? Never. But I know there is good in all of us. It just takes God to pull it out! Thank God, He caught me in time!
Sorry this is so long, but alas it's a hard lesson to learn.
Hi! So, it's been a while since I've been excited about life, but let me tell ya, when you need a wake up call, God somehow puts your life on hold until He gets your attention! I knew that God has been talking to me lately but I still wanted to live life my way. Well sometimes our way isn't exactly God's way.
You see, I had made some pretty stupid mistakes the past 4 months. Some life altering mistakes. Little did I know, God was not as happy with my decisions as I wanted Him to be. Well, I mean I knew I disappointed Him, but He's God, He'd get over it right? Well, sure, but what I wanted for my life was NOT what God wanted. You see for the first time in a long time I didn't ask God if Ryan was the man He had chosen for me. You see I was finally doing all the right things and in His will, not even looking for a guy, and Ryan found me so I thought this must be God. Usually I test it and then God gives me a peace or a NO! I had some reservations sure, but I was swept off my feet by him. He said and did all the right things to begin with. He even said he wanted to do missions with me after I got my degree. He was very "supportive." That was until I started asking him tough questions. By the time I realized He was not what I wanted, not the godly man I thought he was it was a little too late. The mistakes were done. So, I decided to love him despite everything. I really thought I did too. The thing is, I loved him with Christ's love because after being in that hospital for the past 3 days solid (I will explain), I knew that no human could possibly go through what he put me through and still love him let alone like him. But to this day, I will not say anything bad about him. I won't say what I've gone through, because I am not going to tear apart who he is. That is not for me to do. I can only love and pray for him. I realized that I still only loved one man. He was a man of the past, but the difference is, he never tried to change me, in fact he respected me and loved who I was and even supported me. So, needless to say the past 4 months have been a pretty much heaven and hell at the same time. I never knew if he was coming or going. And yet my heart still ached because I knew he had potential. I saw who he was once.
So, Thursday morning I went to the hospital. I went to St. Joe's because I didn't feel like TG treated me well last time I went. I was written off. I had such a severe pain that it made me cry. I just wanted to know what it was and get home that afternoon to my children. God had other plans. I was admitted for the pain as they thought it was my appendix. I just wanted to go home. I don't conciously remember staying at any hospital over night other that giving birth. I hated it. I just wanted to hold my kids at night and be home. But God had other plans. He talked to me that day and night. I asked for His forgiveness and wanted to start over. God said that He had not placed a calling in me just to ignore it. And He would remove anyone and anything that got in the way. So Ryan had to go. I didn't realize that while dating Ryan, I strayed further and further from God. I didn't even know how to get back to Him at the time and when things went bad I stopped trusting God. I actually blamed Him. I was so angry with God and I let Him know it! I didn't understand how my family could be torn apart. The thing is Ryan and I were doing great until his ex (whom he thinks he still loves) called him. He decided he never wanted to see me again. 3 days earlier he was talking about marriage. Talk about pain, hurt and confusion! So yes, I blamed God for allowing her to ruin our lives together. But God knew I needed to find me again. It's ironic really. When a person "loves" or thinks they love someone so much they do anything for them. They change their looks (he got me to even dye my hair brown, something I hated, but did for him), their lifestyles and even their thoughts and dreams for this person. They become a "model" and in return loose who they really are. They slowly stop loving life the way they use to and all their dreams and hopes seem to not matter as much until one day they are completely dead. Looking in the mirror that Thursday night I cried. I was hooked up to IV's and I looked horrible! Not just physically but emotionally and mentally I knew I was not the woman I once was back in December. Where did that woman disappear to, I wondered? As I stood there with my legs shaking holding on to the sink (I could barely stand because of the Morphine and Phenergan), I cried. Then I heard a knock on the door and the nurse had asked me if I was ok. I pulled myself together, dried my eyes for a few moments and mustered up a yes, I'll be right out. I came to the door with a half smile on my face. That's all could muster. She said I needed to rest. But I just wanted to cry. Cry over everything that had truly happened, cry over what I'd lost, cry over losing the love of my life, cry over losing myself and my dreams and most of all cry because I failed God yet again. So, I did. Somewhere in the midst of it, God whispered now is the time to follow your calling. He told me that it will be difficult, but not to be distracted again because only in time will He give me the right man and I will KNOW! I told God I wanted to be done with school and I gave up med school back in January when I met Ryan. He said I may have given it up, but He did not. Then I argued, with kids, and my age it would be nearly impossible. God responded with nearly impossible yes, impossible, no! He will give me the strength when I want to give up and just pull my hair out! People aruge that I am foolish and what if it never happens. Then I can say I tried. I didn't give up. That's what happened when I dated Ryan. I gave up. Not just my dreams, but slowly who I was. I don't even know how or when it happened. It just did.
So, now I start over. Yes, I have made some decisions that will affect and change the rest of my life. But what we as humans see as mistakes, God sees as miracles and blessings! Life is a lesson. It's not an easy one by any means. Whoever said life was going to be easy missed the first day in God's school! Whoever said that love never hurts didn't know how to love when you aren't loved in return. And whoever said it's better to love and lost than never loved at all, well apparently either they are high, or they really didn't love or they love feeling the pain. Personally, I think it's better to not have loved than to have lost someone you did love. Because the pain, the brokenness, the agony, the hurt, the endless tears, the sleepless nights, and effects it has on more than just your life are too much to go through. It can ruin a person's spirit. It can break them completely. And let me tell you, that unless you have God, who keeps calling to you and doesn't give up on you, it's going to be a long lonely, sad road of gloom and darkness. He shows you the beauty in everyone and everything.
I questioned God why He let me love Ryan so deeply that even when he hurt me, then came back and then hurt me over and over and over again, and why did I still not find fault in him yet defend him and continue to love him knowing all his faults, knowing all the pain I would endure. Then God spoke and said, I have given you My heart my child. You have the love for Ryan that I have for My people. I love them despite their idols, despite them turning their backs on me, despite them hurting me time and again. I see their faults and see their way of adulteress and I still call to them. I see past their past and their sin and I love them regardless and I will NOT speak bad about my children. I will continue to love them. I asked God that if He wanted to give me His heart and His eyes for the people from now on to just tell me. But, God has to use us, we can't understand fully until we see, feel and taste the pain. The human pain. I know now God was using this and gave me a love for Ryan that I on my own could never have had. Any woman or man for that matter would've written the pain he caused after the first time. Yet, I endure it. And yes, I still pray God changes his heart and touches his life! I know he is suffering and I can see it in his eyes. I sense it in his spirit. So, I get on my knees and pray for him, because he is so very lost. He too needs God, just as I do and we all do!
So yes, God spoke to me when I was in the hospital for 3 days. For 2 of those days I was not allowed even a drop of water to quench my thirst or sooth my throat. Nothing shall pass through my lips were the orders. Then when I was finally allowed some food, it didn't want to agree with me so yet again for another day, not even a drop was allowed to pass my lips. I begged for even one ice chip. But was denied. How dry I felt. My voice went hoarse, my throat swelled, and I was in agony. My vein in my right arm got infected so they removed the needle and started a new line in my left which it too got infected. I begged for them to take it out or start a new one. But the doctor said it was not worth it, he said he wanted me to go home. (Mind you I am now switching doctors) So they put hot packs on it to relieve the pain but oh how it burned and started to swell. Then my shoulder started to go numb and my finger tingled and I begged them to take it out. Not even the Morphine would touch the pain. Finally, they took it out. Let me say, I have NEVER touched drugs, but I can only imagine what a recovering drugging feels like. Both of my arms or in pain and are still burning and bruised at the site. My left arm actually pops when I move my arm past a 90 degree angle or pick something up! It feels like my vein is going to rip! So, though I am home recovering, it's hard to fully get back into the swing of things when the pain still exists and my arms are swollen!
But within all of that hunger and thirst and pain God was teaching me things that I would've never known before. Can I say I want to repeat these past 4 months? Not on anyone's life! Would I ever wish someone go through what I did and am still dealing with? Never. But I know there is good in all of us. It just takes God to pull it out! Thank God, He caught me in time!
Sorry this is so long, but alas it's a hard lesson to learn.
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