Hi! The last few days have been extremely tough. On Tuesday I went out on a "first date" again. As I was getting ready, I thought, geez I don't want to do this any longer. I just wish God would change Ryan's heart and he'd come back. I had tears in my eyes as I got "pretty" for this new man I'd never met. I realized I only wanted to be getting ready for Ryan. And then yesterday, I was helping my daughter clean her room and I just started crying, because I missed Ryan so much, so then my daughter said momma, do you miss Ryan and Jadyn? (His daughter) I said yes and she said she did too. Then we went to the waterfront and the kids played at the "beach." This brought more tears (thank God I had sunglasses on to hide them), as that's where Ryan and I went on our second Date. I finally came home and put the kids down for a nap and then when Alexis woke she cried for a good hour. When I was able to settle her down she said she really missed Jadyn. I am not the only one taking it hard. The kids talk about them constantly to everyone. People who are upset with the situation get upset. But I have to remind them that those two were a huge part of our lives and we were supposed to spend our lives with them. There are days when it's easier and days when I cry and the pain is fresh. People may wonder and think, why don't you get over him, why do you care? Well, if you haven't heard it from the grapevine yet, I am pregnant. It wasn't planned and yes I've prayed to God daily over this. I am at a loss as to what to do. I pray God will bring Ryan back to the baby and I and we will be a family again. I am due Christmas! How Ironic, hu? Yes, the names have been chosen. Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl and we'll call her Izzy and Malachi David for a boy and we'll call him Kai. So, if any of you are in the praying mood, just pray God works things out. I don't want the kids to be without a daddy any longer and I long for a great husband, and man of God! If it's not Ryan, I pray God brings one quickly! So, yes, the road has been tough. Until now, Only my family and best friends know. But as gossip spreads and the word leaks out, I figured now that I am in the clear for not having a miscarriage, I will say. Yes, the doctors believe that there were 2 and I miscarried one. There is an empty spot on the ultrasound where they said a baby should have been. It was joined so they said it may have been Identical. I guess I'll never know. Yes, I did bleed a lot and that is what initially put me in the hospital last Thursday! But the baby that remains is healthy and strong and they said it's going to make it! Though I am still a very high risk. So, if any of you have advice or words of encouragement please do share. I feel so alone. I know God is here somewhere but I feel as if He has more important things to tend to than my broken heart or tears that won't stop!
Yes, I am still pursuing my Bachelor's. I will not give up my education. I need to support these three babies. I have asked God for His divine mercy, Grace and forgiveness. I need good friends that will stand with me and not criticize and people who will support me now. I've given so much to so many others that now I feel empty and incomplete and drained. It will be hard being a single mom of 3 and not being allowed to work. I honestly have no idea how I will make ends meet. I am going to do clothe diapers and wipes and try everything I can to save money. But I know there will be times such as now that I have only pennies to my name if that and I will have to trust that God provides!
Yes, some look at this as a mistake and a punishment but God has blessed me with a miracle and gift of life! Back in March I was told I had 6 months to conceive or I would be sterile. Well, God heard my cries. So yes, while Ryan has chosen to abandon me and his new baby, God has still blessed me and I will have to trust that God knows what He's doing. My only fear is, if it's not Ryan, will God really bring me a man that accepts I have 2 and am pregnant? Will he be able to love all of us? It's going to be a miracle! Well, those are some thoughts.
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2 comments:
Hey girl...
So I know we never hung out or anything when you were at Northwest, but my heart goes out to you, and just know that things will work out. With everything you've been through, I have so much trust and faith that something amazing is going to happen to you very soon. I've been on a roller coaster myself and it's not easy and I know how it feels to feel like you are alone and no one else understands.
You are gorgeous and you have 2 gorgeous children, one on the way. If they aren't miracles enough, I don't know what is. Be thankful you have those kids to give you support in ways you can't even realize.
As for a guy, if he's the right one for you, the one God has already chosen for you, then he won't look at your three kids and think anything against you. Just be patient and let the right man come into your life. I know that sounds impossible, but I am trying to listen to my own advice too. God isn't going to let you be single your whole life, He has someone in mind for you and is waiting for the perfect moment, when you're least expecting it, to introduce him to you. How exciting is that? And if Ryan is the man for you, let him work things out and come back to you if that's what God has in His plans for you.
Good luck with your pregnancy, and let me know if you ever need me; I'd be happy to just take the kids out to a park or whatever to give you some time on your own. I'm wonderful with kids :] Keep your head up, and I'm here for you!
My story: the short version
I found myself going through a divorce after 14 years of marriage. A very serious devastation I carried massive amounts of shame and guilt for, and to some degree, still do. Not even 5 months after this divorce, I met a younger man whom I was VERY actracted to. We went out, had a good time and started to fall for eachother. He was in the Navy and his ship was set to leave in January, this all started late August. I thought to myself "we'll just keep dating and having a good time and then go from there when the ship leaves"....December 3rd I find out I'm pregnant with TWINS. My world came crashing down. His ship left January 13th and was not due to come back to the west coast, but stay on the east coast. "Oh my God!" I cried! "I'm going to be a mother of 4 now! and I'll be alone!".....let's just say I now understand why many women think abortion is an option. I contemplated every single avenue possible, and it's hard to admit that. This man proposed to me right before he left, I accepted. But I also thought "did I accept because I love him or because I'm desperate?"....fast forward....They were born July 15th, a boy and a girl. I was all alone except my besst friend. He flew out to see us when they were 3 weeks old. God DID Bless me....thoroughout my pregnancy, my ex husband was a rock for me. His broken heart healed enough to be there for me and for our children (the 2 I had in my marriage). I had friends who rallied around me too. The father of my twins still loved me, even through this difficult time. It would be almost 2 years that he would be away, in schools, in the Navy and then God did what I thought was impossible....he brought us together as a family, with the desire in my heart, through years of waiting as a "single" mother, as a woman in waiting for her miracle. I felt like Jacob waiting 7 years for his bride. Funny, my oldest son's name is Jacob. (good namesake)
So...I know what it's like to be you. Perhaps this is your blessing, that you have a distant "friend" who can give you prayer and sympathy in your time of need.
Be Blessed,
Michelle
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