Hi! So, I'm feeling a lil better! LOL! I finally went back to church! And the pastor talked about being on the mountain to get the big picture, the vision for the future! Let's hope I can find that vision.
Yes, while 07' was a living hell (most of it I spent in tears and w/a broken heart), I also got the best present of all this year! Though I didn't really do anything special this Christmas because I was sick, it will be the most special Christmas because I got a gift of new life! With the birth of Izzy, there has been so many emotions! But from the moment I saw her I knew in my heart I loved her completely. She was mine. Completely mine. And she was not a mistake. The truth is, Ryan and I did want to have another one and together. We actually thought we were pregnant a few weeks before that and the tests all came back negative. I cried because I knew I did want one with him. After all we were getting married and had the date and place and even the caterers set. Ryan told me he was disappointed too and we could try again later. We decided to wait until we were married though. And 2 days later I went to the hospital w/severe pain. The doctor told me I was pretty much sterile and had 6 months max if any to conceive. I turned to Ryan w/tears in my eyes and told him I was so sorry that I could not give him any children. That we'd never have one together. He said it didn't matter, because he still loved me. I knew how disappointed he was though. He told me from the moment we started talking he really wanted another child. At least one more, maybe 30. LOL! He use to drag me into the infant section of clothing every time we went somewhere. I would always tell him we had our lives to have more. I mean we were both trying to get the girls potty trained the way it was! LOL!
So, we went home. We did not mention having a baby again though it was heavy in both our hearts. Well, come April I felt weird. Something was different. I knew something was. Then one night I had a dream and God told me I was w/child. But it was way too soon to tell! I thought I was just wishing. But I waited and waited and no sign of a period came. I was too afraid to take the test though. And I finally did and I was! I remember telling Ry. I went to his work and waited til he was off and gave him some cool gifts I knew he'd love and then said I have a surprise for you. When I told him he hugged me and was excited! Of course, like Any man I had to prove it though. So, I took a test for him and then he was officially excited! We were going to have that miracle baby! God knew we both wanted one and it was no mistake. I was pregnant when I was in the hospital but it had been too soon to be a positive! They said they misdiagnosed me and I was taken off the meds immediately. But they said my body still might not be able to hold onto the baby. As you all know the story, it was long and complicated.
So, Isabella was no mistake. No Accident. Yes, we were drinking when we conceived her. And at the time I felt ashamed I was pregnant out of wedlock, and then when things ended so abruptly I was even more ashamed. But, still I wanted my baby. There was not a minute I didn't want her! I loved her from the moment I knew! I've always wanted 4 children! Well if Ryan and I had married she would've made 4. Oh well, so now I have 3 instead of 4 but you know what? We never know what God has in store! I may some day get my 4th!
So Ry and I are now just friends. I still long for my dream wedding and wish we were still getting married despite it all because I never stopped loving him as stupid as that sounds. I long to be a real family again and wake up to his smile again, but I know now that I have to give all this to God. I know now, I will never get my dream wedding, and the man that I still love will always only be a friend now.
But we did exchange gifts! He gave me a pink hasselback (sp?) jersey! (for those of you who don't know he's number 8 on the Seahawks!) and a dozen fire and Ice roses, my absolute fav and he remembered that! I told him he didn't have to and asked why and he said I deserved them! I had tears in my eyes because he still cared enough to know how to make me smile! I've never gotten a gift from a man, and so even the flowers meant the whole world to me! (no I did not even get a card on my birthday from my ex). I gave him the willowtree New Life Figure. It's the one of the dad sitting down holding his baby gazing at it! It was him and Izzy! He put it next to the one I got for him of a dad holding his daughter! That was for his and his other daughter. He loved it. I also got him a few pic. frames and put pics of him and his daughters in them and he loved those as well. You see for us, even though he and I are friends, it is not about the size of the gift or the money involved, it's knowing each other well enough to know what truly makes them happy and meaningful to them! I didn't even need or want anything except him accepting Izzy! So the gifts and his friendship was a bonus!
So yeah, life's definitely had it's happy and sad moments. The moments we both wish we could forget forever and the moments we'll hold onto for a lifetime!
So, I sit here and wonder was 2007 a good or bad year? It was both. I guess it's how we accept it, and live it that matters. I learned that because it's been such a year of pain and heartache for me that God is only giving me the strength I need to make me stronger.
And yes, I do want to get married. And so I've decided that as much as I do love Ryan, I do have to finally let him go in my heart. Because I can't ask God to bless me and bring me and the children someone who will love us completely until I am done loving Ryan. I am ready to finally let go and open my heart to the possibilities of what is out there and what God has for me. So, with the closing of 2007, I will be letting go of this past year and of Ryan for good. It is the past and now I choose the future! A future of blessings and one that is on the mountain top not in the valley any longer! And if for some reason God does choose to give Ryan back to me, then He'll have to work it out, because I am done trying to work things out. Ryan's heart is no longer in it, and that is not the type of life I want to live! I want a man who is as much in love w/ me and the kids as I am w/ him and possibly his kids. I love Ryan's daughter too, so it's not just him I am giving up.
So, this closes 2007 for me as far as this part of my life goes. I am not saying we won't remain friends cuz as of now, we are great friends! But that too can change to more (miracle) or less.
I am exhausted but haven't written in days!
Love you all!
Bri
