Random happiness and pain! Ouch!

Hi all! I found out that the baby is breech. So for those of you who have no idea what that means, he's sitting upright! Smart kid, gotta say, he doesn't want to hang around upside down! However, because he is that way I have started having severe back pain. The doc. said this is to be expected. They said it's useless to move it because there is too much room and he'll move right back to this position. They have to wait until I am around 7 months. sigh I hope this doesn't really last that long. Apparently he is pretty long, so he's going to have his daddy's genes because Ry is pretty tall.

So anyhow, the past two nights I've woken from the pain with tears in my eyes. Vicodin isn't coming close to touching the pain. This is NOT good! Tonight my front right started to hurt like it did when I was admitted to the hospital. If the pain continues I may not be able to move soon. So, if you have a brief moment, can you pray that God removes this pain please!

On a cuter note, I took pics of Alexis in Point Defiance's Flower Garden today! They are incredibly cute! I will post some as soon as I can! When I get Mike's haircut, we'll be doing some of him as well, but more or less near the water. Gotta make some of his manly! LOL!

When Mike has been playing basketball, Lexi and I have been doing different things lately! Yesterday we went to visit my Aunt Janet and cousin Faith! It was great to see them!

Well, I'm pretty exhausted now so I am going to go!

Good Night

Incredible Joy!

Hi all! Just thought I'd say how incredibly happy I am! I am not sure why, but for some reason, I am so happy and full of joy! I am so happy I have tears in my eyes! This must be a joy only God can give! I don't know why I am so happy, because given everything that has happened, I should be sad and full of remorse, but for now God has filled me with a joy and a happiness! So for now, have a wonderful day, and may God's happiness fill your lives as well!

Nesting already? A revelation

Hi all! So, today I woke up with this instant urge to get everything in order and the house cleaned and ready for the baby! So, things are slowly falling into place!

This is the first summer I haven't attended classes or worked due to being a high risk pregnancy. So I have had the summer off to spend with the kids, but when they are here, it's hard to do what I really need to do, because most of the time, we are out and about doing fun things! But now that they are gone for the weekend, I feel this need to get things in order once again!

You see, when things sort of ended suddenly with Ry, I stopped caring about a lot of things. I mean I went through the motions of painting my son's new room and getting it set up, but my heart was not in it. But for some reason today as I was talking to God He told me I needed to get things in order again and I'd be happier. I'd feel proud again. And then this morning the baby was really moving and I felt his little acrobats and it filled me with joy and I wanted things in order again so that when it comes I will not be overwhelmed and I will be ready!

You see, I was told that this one has a huge potential of coming sooner than Alexis did since this is my 3rd and I am high risk. That means the beginning to mid November. Yikes! That is not too far off! I am praying that God holds it in me until it's Christmas due date! Oh OK, I'd rather have it Christmas Eve, so we can be home on Christmas! That's all I want for Christmas is my Christmas baby! I am so excited! It still seems so far away. Maybe it's because I still have to wait for the baby's sex! Then it'll seem closer even though that still means I have 20 more weeks! LOL! The past months have seemed to fly by now! At the time, I felt it dragged on, but now I see that it was just the opposite! How we wish life would speed up at times and then not realize how fast it goes, and then it flies by and we think, I wish I had done that, or I wish that I could've done something differently. Looking back we never realize what we were doing at the time. We don't realize the choices we are making at that time will affect our lives forever!

Have a great Saturday!

Back to cleaning!

A letter to all!

Time sure does fly, doesn't it? My son, Michael is 5 1/2 and is in every sport! Currently he is doing summer clinics with Baseball, Basketball, Soccer and private golf lessons. He's also in swimming, as we hope to head home to Hawaii someday! He will be starting Kindergarten this fall at Life Christian Academy, but is already ready books and doing math! I put him in Charles Wright Academy last year for pre-K because he needed something more than Preschool! It is an incredible private school! He is growing up to be such a great little boy and is always excited about something! Though he keeps me on my toes with his newest "ideas!" His newest phase is transformers of course! Michael also LOVES Starwars!

Alexis is now 3 1/2! My how she's grown! To look at her now, you'd never know she was a preemie and spent some time in the NICU! She tries to keep up with her brother and boy is she a talker! Though I couldn't have asked for a more girly girl! She loves her ballet and she loves wearing dresses and skirts! But everything has to match, from the ribbons in her hair to her panties and earrings! It's quite cute most days! Though she loves to play in the mud, right along with her brother, so I will be starting her in sports this fall! She too is in swimming and is loving it! Alexis is going into her second year of preschool, but after that she too will be put into Pre-K! Her newest phase is My little ponies and polly pocket size disney princess dolls!

Between the two I am quite busy! We try to go on family vacations once or twice a year! This year we went to Disneyland with some friends! The kids loved it! Next year I am hoping to take them back to Hawaii and we are meeting up with friends in California again!

So, what's new with me? Well, besides playing with the kids and enjoying the summer, I am still working on my Bachelor's. I am getting my BS in Biology as I'd still like to pursue Medical School. I mainly have the upper level science classes left. Also, I am 4 months pregnant with my 3rd! This is quite a surprise as well as definitely not planned! I have been in the hospital quite a bit with this one. I am high risk, but the baby seems to be very healthy as well as full of life in there! It LOVES to dance! Lately the kids and I listen to the classical station in the car and the baby really starts to move! How funny! I've recently seen pictures of it and it is getting so big! Even though this wasn't in the plans, I am so excited to have another little one again! Though, with the others potty trained and doing things on their own, it'll feel like I'm starting all over! I am scared about that! I have already fallen in love with my little bundle of joy and I know it'll be a blessing in all of our lives! We of course can't wait to find out the sex! It's daddy and I have yet to agree on a name, but my favorites are Isabella Joy Leilani and Malachi David! The daddy is a great man and a wonderful father! He really is amazing and my two love him to pieces! He has a little girl that is just adorable and just turned 4! Alexis calls her, her best friend! With the baby on the way, I am still trying to figure out how to juggle school full time, spend time with the kids and take care of this one! I am depending on God's supernatural strength to be a "super mommy!" I really want to raise it naturally if possible so I will try to keep it off formula, and make it's baby food like I did for the other 2! I just finished my last semester at NWU and made some lifelong friends there! I am heading to PLU where the stats are in the 90th percentile to get into med school! I really am enjoying school though and love learning! I think my favorite class was MicroBiology! So much to learn though!

I have to say the past year has definitely been exciting and challenging for me! God has really stretched me in ways I never wanted to be stretched! Let's just say, I've gone through the fire several times this past year; more so the past 7 months! God has brought me to a new church, Newsong City Central in Tacoma and it is so much like YWAM! I am loving being in God's presence again! There was a time not too long ago, I started to fall away from God and that is when I went through so much heartache, and life just didn't make sense any longer. This baby and losing the things and people I love has made me really come back to God! I am constantly in prayer now, more so than I've ever been in my entire life. I am constantly praying for what God lays on my heart. And I will be heading to the mountains to pray and just be alone with God for 3 or so days! It will be just me, God, my Bible, and a journal to write down everything. You see, I realized that I wanted God's divine blessing! But God has shown me that I give up too easily and give up right before He is about to give it to me! So this time I will wrestle with God, and I will hold on and not let go until He blesses me! I long to live only in His will again and walk with Him and sit in His presence! I have had the opportunity to go on mission trips and see the world and I long to live that life once again! I am training my children up in God so that they don't stray! So that they truly do the right thing and can hear God's voice! That's one thing I know of, is that I could hear the voice of God. He gave me the gift of prophecy back in 2000. But how I've walked away from my calling and it saddens me! I know that until I am back in God's complete will, he will not restore me to what He has called me to be. He will not give me any more gifts. I have repented for my sins great and small and God has assured me that they are washed away! God is so amazing, I have to say! And even if it's just the kids and I, God will be there with us! He has always come through financially as well! I've learned that when you have nothing to give and no money to give things, you give what you have and God will bless it!

Well my dear friends, yes this past year has not been a year that I would've dreamed of in a million years! I would never have dreamed of going through all the things I have gone through, but now because of it, I am a better mom, so involved in their lives, and am growing close to my loving and forgiving Savior once again! I would NEVER want to repeat this year in a million, but at the same time, I would never trade what I've gone through because I have come out a better person with a little miracle growing inside me!

The kids and I would love to hear from all of you! And some day, I hope to be able to travel to all of your homes! I'd love to know how all of you are doing and what your lives hold now! And of course, If any of you needs prayer, I'd love to pray for you! Trust me, I've gone through it all, so there's nothing I won't understand! And if you just want to talk, I am here to listen! I love you all so dearly! Please send me updates on your lives as well! I am so Glad God has placed you all in my life at some point!

May God's grace and peace abide with you and in your households! May you be able to experience the full love of God and may He richly bless your life! Keep your faith strong and remember, God is here to help us when we are confused in life! I learned that the hard way! I will NEVER walk away from Him again! Enjoy your summer's and talk to you all soon!

What will come of this?

Hi again! So, I was thinking . . . As much as I want to know what is to come, and what is in store for the future, it makes me wonder that if things don't work out how I want them to, will this bring me back to God and closer than I was before? Will all the pain, hurt, and love I've gone through with Ryan change my life forever? Some days and some times lately I feel closer to God now than I have in a long time, but I also have those times where I cry out to Him to change things. It's all I can do to think about him with someone else. I guess praying for him and lifting up to God the areas of his life that God leads me to pray about is way more useful because then I am not thinking about the things that make me cry.

I guess now I wait on God. Maybe it'll get better. As of now we aren't talking at all unless I tell him how the baby is doing. Even if we don't end up together in the long run, I still pray that he comes around to be a good father. Because I can't imagine telling his child that he didn't want it. I just wish we were a whole family again. But as everyone says, that's impossible. I guess it'll take a miracle!

Will this end?

Have you ever felt so low that there's nothing left you can do but pray? I don't mean just because you want something, but because you wake up and realize that what you were, what you thought you had, what your dreams were that you were chasing were all gone? I mean that when everything is taken from you and this is the point where you either give up and commit suicide or you turn to God and say your done, you can't go on and you have nothing left to give. Well, I hit that lately. Suicide was not even an option. I could never do that. But there came a point of denial, then hatred then blame of God, and finally emptiness, aloneness, and total isolation. Where'd I go wrong? I lay on my bed last week crying.

When you look at me I am really put together. On the outside, I am always smiling, and neatly dressed, groomed, etc. Sure I still get cat calls and men wanting to date me, even though I am pregnant. That's just what I've learned growing up. You stay hard, tuff, and put together even though your world is falling apart and you have nothing left. On the inside I was empty and so alone. I had no love whatsoever. I lie there crying wondering what real love felt like. I've loved before and still do, so I know what it's like to love but to truly be loved and feel it, I still wonder, will I ever get that. Then of course I am reminded that my children and family love me but that is not the love I speak of! It's not that that is not enough, but God put a deep desire within me to want to be a wife and have a real family.

I have to say I really hated the woman that tore Ryan and I apart. I really did. I've never hated anyone and I know God speaks against it, but dangit she ruined our family! I ask God why does she get to have the love of my life and my family? Silence. No answer. Is that how life works, I wonder? That you give someone your love, your everything and someone else gets them? I'm still not certain. But I knew I could not continue to be empty. I had to do something because I still needed to be a good mom.

So Wednesday morning, the 4th of July, God says to me quietly. Pray. Write in a Journal all your thoughts and prayers and pray! I did. I wrote and prayed all day! That night I told God I was done with this life and I refused to go back to it! I would grab a hold of Him and wrestle and not let go until He blessed me! I know Jacob did and God blessed him. I realized that I always gave up too easily. I always let go right before the blessing! I was not going to do that, this time. I needed to get away and get away now! God told me to go to the Mountains and pray for 3 days and He will speak to me. For the first time since 98' I confessed all my sins that I knew I had. I realized that I cannot go on, I cannot get blessed, my prayers won't get blessed with all that sin in my life! I realized that after I lost Jon's friendship 2 years ago, I stopped caring. I didn't care about men and turned my emotions off. I lost the first real love of my life and I blamed God for it. Yes, I had sex with some men, but I turned my emotions off and I no longer cared. Sex was just sex. That was it, no emotion ties, no strings, nothing. I guess to men, I was a dream! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I went and did that with a ton of men, but I'd go out drinking with a guy, usually a guy I was dating and have sex and walk away and never look back. It was stupid, but I wanted just for those moments to feel close to someone again. It was different with Ryan. I waited. I waited until I fell in love with him. I don't know why, but I did. And for the first time, sex had meaning! For the first time in my life, when I had sex, I gave myself completely to the man, knowing I didn't want to walk away, but I really loved him! I knew he loved me as well. It was wrong in God's eyes, I know. And yes, a miracle, our baby came of it! Do I regret having sex before marriage. I do. With the other men I didn't love or care about. Do I regret having sex with Ryan? I should, but I don't. For the first time and maybe the only time in my life, I knew why God really made sex! When you give yourself completely to someone and they to you, you become one! I regret that we weren't married, but I will never regret giving myself to him. Well, maybe I will if I ever get remarried.

So anyhow, I confessed everything. Then God said now, now is the time to pray for Ryan and to give him completely to God, because I can't do anything else. He was taken from me. We were going to talk but as I was praying, God told me to postpone it until He released me to. He said Ryan was not ready yet to receive it or talk the way we need to! I may have lost Ryan forever. I hope not, after-all he is the love of my life, and the father of my baby, but now it'll take a miracle!

So now, I wait on God and I want to be changed. I need life in me again! I need to feel alive and free and happy. I don't want to go through the motions any longer! I am told to continue to date at least this summer, and just get on with life. How does one just get on with life? I mean I know every second of every day that I am pregnant! And I still pray it's a boy! I still pray that Ryan comes around. If not for me for the children. For his child. My son sat on the couch the other day talking to me about how much he loved Ryan, and wanted to pray that God brought him back to us! He said he misses him as a daddy! He had tears in his eyes and fell asleep crying that night! I didn't want to see my son in as much pain as I am! Alexis too will start crying for what we think is no reason, then when I calm her down she will say she misses "daddy Ryan" and Jadyn. (his daughter) They both tell me how much they love them and that Jadyn is their best friend. My heart breaks for them! I use to tell them not to mention them because it hurt me so much just to hear their names, but my mom told me that I needed to let them talk about their feelings and emotions! So now I just sit and cry with them when they are sad. I told them it's OK to be sad.

So yes, I want to move on, and if it is to be with them, it'll all be up to God, now! I can't do anything anymore. I'm not up for anymore serious relationships right now, but I will still be friends with the guys! Now is a time to focus on God, the kids, getting ready for this baby and school. Am I held together on the outside? Yes! Am I scared inside! You bet! I know I have two other children, but it's been so long since I've given birth or had a baby that I am terrified. I am a single mom this time with no income so it's going to be tuff. I am planning on using cloth diapers and wipes, etc. I just can't afford it all and I gave away almost everything, thinking I was done! I have no idea how I am going to make it all work. How I am going to take care of a baby, still have time for the other two and go to school! I am going to have to rely on God's supernatural strength! I have none left and will be exhausted! So, I will be heading to the mountains soon, when my ex has the kids to pray! I will spend 3 days with God and God alone. I will wrestle with Him until He finally blesses me!

Those who know, really know me, know what I've been going through. They haven't judged me. I think that is the downfall of family. They judge you, because they see you as a mess up, a failure. They laugh at you and say what a mess now! And they say are you ever going to do something with your life. Trust me, I have a LOT of critics! I guess that's what happens when you were a "good child" and you once walked closely with God. When you fall away they are the first to point out all your faults and failures and they see you as a joke. I am constantly reminded of this when I am told I am nothing but a disappointment. That because I haven't finished my education, etc, that I am just a flake. I am told that my siblings won't even talk to me because they see me as a failure. What do you do, when the people, the one person you looked up to turns their back on you, just because their lives are put together? Do I really have to get my doctorate to me taken seriously? Like I said, I am empty. Incomplete. There has to be more to life than pain, hurt, a broken heart and being a disappointment to those who mean the most to you! There just has to be! If it's not Ryan, I beg God to bring me a husband that will love me and the kids as much as we love him! When will God see our tears, feel our pain and heal the wounds? When will He bless us?

All thoughts I leave with you today!

In tears,

Bri

A Choice Between 2

I have a question and I was wondering what you all thought?

Ryan wants to name the baby (if it's a boy) Mason James, and I want Malachi David. Most people tell me to go with the second because Ryan now wants nothing to do with the baby or I. Do I talk to him and we compromise on something if it's a boy? Or would you choose one name over the other?

Let me know.

Thanks!