Will this end?

Have you ever felt so low that there's nothing left you can do but pray? I don't mean just because you want something, but because you wake up and realize that what you were, what you thought you had, what your dreams were that you were chasing were all gone? I mean that when everything is taken from you and this is the point where you either give up and commit suicide or you turn to God and say your done, you can't go on and you have nothing left to give. Well, I hit that lately. Suicide was not even an option. I could never do that. But there came a point of denial, then hatred then blame of God, and finally emptiness, aloneness, and total isolation. Where'd I go wrong? I lay on my bed last week crying.

When you look at me I am really put together. On the outside, I am always smiling, and neatly dressed, groomed, etc. Sure I still get cat calls and men wanting to date me, even though I am pregnant. That's just what I've learned growing up. You stay hard, tuff, and put together even though your world is falling apart and you have nothing left. On the inside I was empty and so alone. I had no love whatsoever. I lie there crying wondering what real love felt like. I've loved before and still do, so I know what it's like to love but to truly be loved and feel it, I still wonder, will I ever get that. Then of course I am reminded that my children and family love me but that is not the love I speak of! It's not that that is not enough, but God put a deep desire within me to want to be a wife and have a real family.

I have to say I really hated the woman that tore Ryan and I apart. I really did. I've never hated anyone and I know God speaks against it, but dangit she ruined our family! I ask God why does she get to have the love of my life and my family? Silence. No answer. Is that how life works, I wonder? That you give someone your love, your everything and someone else gets them? I'm still not certain. But I knew I could not continue to be empty. I had to do something because I still needed to be a good mom.

So Wednesday morning, the 4th of July, God says to me quietly. Pray. Write in a Journal all your thoughts and prayers and pray! I did. I wrote and prayed all day! That night I told God I was done with this life and I refused to go back to it! I would grab a hold of Him and wrestle and not let go until He blessed me! I know Jacob did and God blessed him. I realized that I always gave up too easily. I always let go right before the blessing! I was not going to do that, this time. I needed to get away and get away now! God told me to go to the Mountains and pray for 3 days and He will speak to me. For the first time since 98' I confessed all my sins that I knew I had. I realized that I cannot go on, I cannot get blessed, my prayers won't get blessed with all that sin in my life! I realized that after I lost Jon's friendship 2 years ago, I stopped caring. I didn't care about men and turned my emotions off. I lost the first real love of my life and I blamed God for it. Yes, I had sex with some men, but I turned my emotions off and I no longer cared. Sex was just sex. That was it, no emotion ties, no strings, nothing. I guess to men, I was a dream! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I went and did that with a ton of men, but I'd go out drinking with a guy, usually a guy I was dating and have sex and walk away and never look back. It was stupid, but I wanted just for those moments to feel close to someone again. It was different with Ryan. I waited. I waited until I fell in love with him. I don't know why, but I did. And for the first time, sex had meaning! For the first time in my life, when I had sex, I gave myself completely to the man, knowing I didn't want to walk away, but I really loved him! I knew he loved me as well. It was wrong in God's eyes, I know. And yes, a miracle, our baby came of it! Do I regret having sex before marriage. I do. With the other men I didn't love or care about. Do I regret having sex with Ryan? I should, but I don't. For the first time and maybe the only time in my life, I knew why God really made sex! When you give yourself completely to someone and they to you, you become one! I regret that we weren't married, but I will never regret giving myself to him. Well, maybe I will if I ever get remarried.

So anyhow, I confessed everything. Then God said now, now is the time to pray for Ryan and to give him completely to God, because I can't do anything else. He was taken from me. We were going to talk but as I was praying, God told me to postpone it until He released me to. He said Ryan was not ready yet to receive it or talk the way we need to! I may have lost Ryan forever. I hope not, after-all he is the love of my life, and the father of my baby, but now it'll take a miracle!

So now, I wait on God and I want to be changed. I need life in me again! I need to feel alive and free and happy. I don't want to go through the motions any longer! I am told to continue to date at least this summer, and just get on with life. How does one just get on with life? I mean I know every second of every day that I am pregnant! And I still pray it's a boy! I still pray that Ryan comes around. If not for me for the children. For his child. My son sat on the couch the other day talking to me about how much he loved Ryan, and wanted to pray that God brought him back to us! He said he misses him as a daddy! He had tears in his eyes and fell asleep crying that night! I didn't want to see my son in as much pain as I am! Alexis too will start crying for what we think is no reason, then when I calm her down she will say she misses "daddy Ryan" and Jadyn. (his daughter) They both tell me how much they love them and that Jadyn is their best friend. My heart breaks for them! I use to tell them not to mention them because it hurt me so much just to hear their names, but my mom told me that I needed to let them talk about their feelings and emotions! So now I just sit and cry with them when they are sad. I told them it's OK to be sad.

So yes, I want to move on, and if it is to be with them, it'll all be up to God, now! I can't do anything anymore. I'm not up for anymore serious relationships right now, but I will still be friends with the guys! Now is a time to focus on God, the kids, getting ready for this baby and school. Am I held together on the outside? Yes! Am I scared inside! You bet! I know I have two other children, but it's been so long since I've given birth or had a baby that I am terrified. I am a single mom this time with no income so it's going to be tuff. I am planning on using cloth diapers and wipes, etc. I just can't afford it all and I gave away almost everything, thinking I was done! I have no idea how I am going to make it all work. How I am going to take care of a baby, still have time for the other two and go to school! I am going to have to rely on God's supernatural strength! I have none left and will be exhausted! So, I will be heading to the mountains soon, when my ex has the kids to pray! I will spend 3 days with God and God alone. I will wrestle with Him until He finally blesses me!

Those who know, really know me, know what I've been going through. They haven't judged me. I think that is the downfall of family. They judge you, because they see you as a mess up, a failure. They laugh at you and say what a mess now! And they say are you ever going to do something with your life. Trust me, I have a LOT of critics! I guess that's what happens when you were a "good child" and you once walked closely with God. When you fall away they are the first to point out all your faults and failures and they see you as a joke. I am constantly reminded of this when I am told I am nothing but a disappointment. That because I haven't finished my education, etc, that I am just a flake. I am told that my siblings won't even talk to me because they see me as a failure. What do you do, when the people, the one person you looked up to turns their back on you, just because their lives are put together? Do I really have to get my doctorate to me taken seriously? Like I said, I am empty. Incomplete. There has to be more to life than pain, hurt, a broken heart and being a disappointment to those who mean the most to you! There just has to be! If it's not Ryan, I beg God to bring me a husband that will love me and the kids as much as we love him! When will God see our tears, feel our pain and heal the wounds? When will He bless us?

All thoughts I leave with you today!

In tears,

Bri