The love behind it

So, as I sit here my mind starts to drift to all that has happened in the past 7 months. This year started out to be the best year of my life. Not too far into it I met the man whom I thought I was going to spend my life with. For the first time in I really knew I loved someone! I didn't care any longer about medical school or high achievements, because well, I loved him and was OK with getting a degree that would keep me local! I actually embraced it. What most of you don't know is that there was one morning that I realized that I couldn't spend my life without him. I went over to his house on Saturday in my red dress, stood there in the pouring rain, freezing and shaking because I was so nervous and this is what I said to him. . .

Ryan,

I have never felt so sure about anyone in my entire life as I do about you! I was so scared because you fulfilled all my dreams! When I close my eyes , You're all that I see. You, my sweet love are all that I need! You complete me! I was so wrong and selfish but I promise you from now on, I will be selfless, kind, loving, patient, and humble. You have made my mornings beautiful and every day a dream come true! I don't need anything except you! You complete me! I love you so much and I don't care where or when we get married, but I do want to marry you! You, Jadyn and the kids are everything to me. My dream is for us to grow old together and have the kids dreams come true. Jadyn is so precious to me and I can't imagine you living a day without her. I just wish she were living with you full time. I want to give you and our kids the world. And together with you I know all of our dreams will come true!

Then I got down on both knees and said

Ryan James Kallenberger, will you marry me? (I gave him the blue rose and red rose and the ring he had chosen) I love you and you are the only man I will ever love!

By this time I was crying! Ryan, of course helped me up and took me in his arms and held me! I knew at that moment I didn't want to live a day without him, and I no longer cared about dream weddings or dresses or who was right and who was wrong. In those moments I gave him my heart.

For me, this was quite new. You see, in the past after my divorce I have had 4 or so proposals. Every time, I turned them down saying I'm sorry, you're not the one. You're not the man I love and want to spend my life with. I have never proposed to anyone. I honestly didn't think I'd ever love anyone else besides Jon. Then Ryan came into my life and everything changed. I was so scared and so unsure. There was a time I even pushed him away because I thought that like Jon he'd walk away and never look back. I tried to guard and protect my heart. He didn't understand it and I hurt him. But I realized that I did love him and that was me putting up a barrier. I've never had a man love me the way Ryan did. I thought, God, how can this be possible? Is it true I have finally found true love and ever-lasting happiness?

So, now as I pack every thing away, all of our memories together, all of the pictures and whatnot, I sigh as I place them neatly in a box. The tears begin to fall once again as I put the pictures of us so in love away, and then the baby starts to move! Remembering back to the days when we created this baby in love only gives me a bitter taste as I never in my life saw this coming. Still trying to figure out how he could just suddenly stop loving me and his baby because of some other woman still leaves me in shock. And yet, my heart still hurt desperately for him. . .

I wonder, will this ever get easier? My parents have decided that I need to go out with that lawyer tonight, but in my heart, I just want to be in his arms again having him tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I sometimes sit and wonder, if it was all just a dream, then I feel the baby move and realize that it wasn't. We had something real. Something that he threw away. It isn't only me that is still missing him 2 months later, but my kids still cry for him and his daughter. They know that this baby is Ryan's. Mike asks how Ryan can leave his baby. I have no answers as I don't even know. I can't understand how he could love his daughter so much and be the best father in the world to her and he would've never left her and yet how he can just leave this one? My eyes, now filled with tears, wonder where that amazing father is? Where the man that swept me off my feet disappeared to?

Then I have people say it will only take time to get over him to move on and that I will heal and find love again. But if love is this painful, I don't want it! I have people tell me they understand they've been there and they too got over it and shortly after met the love of their life and now are happy. But what they don't understand is that in their situation they didn't end up having a baby from the man they loved. It wasn't the same. Or the story would always be that he came back a few years later and now they are happily married. But that too is not my story's ending. . . How can people say they know or have gone through this? How many were actually going to get married, to one day walk up to the person they love and when they asked what's wrong the person says I don't ever want to see you again. Talk about heart breaking and life shattering. So, I go through all this alone now. He was supposed to be there for me. For us. He chose to be free and lead his own life. So as I get news like my child has "open spinal bifida" or give birth, I go through it alone. I have no shoulder to cry on, no man that loves me to be there for me. Sure I tell him what is going on, but he seems pretty nonchalant. So, then I just wait until everyone's asleep or gone and then I cry. I cry because of everything. Of the pain my kids feel. From the pain I will always go through, of just going through this whole thing alone. Even my best friends are too busy these days. So, I mainly just talk to God these days because no one else is around or understands.

Yet, God does not reassure me that it will all work out. I pray and beg him for a miracle and yet I never get direct answers. I just want to be happy again and smiling. And for once I want to feel loved. I mean love and not have that love taken away from me!

I guess that is in some ways why I have chosen to go back towards med school. Because with no one around to spend my time with and no one to spend my life with or to love me and let me love him, it's better to do something that will help others. At least then, when the kids are gone and I am alone, I will be too busy to know. Yes, I'd rather be something more simple and live a life of love with the love of my life, but obviously that is not what is in the cards for me!

So, now I sit and wonder, where God is?

I have yet to still fill in the rest of the story, but I will. I have it all written down in my journals.

Will this story have a happy ending? I sure hope so. . .

But for now, I am just a mom. A mom that takes care of 2 and will soon be having a 3rd.

And no, no amount of child support will ever make up for the absence of a father! I just wish Ryan would come around to loving his baby before it is too late. And yes, there is such a thing as too late to children! If he decides to be absent, then there is nothing left for me in Washington. I will go where I am accepted. If God gives me my miracle, I will pursue a different path and definitely stay here!

Oh well, just the thoughts of this sad gal!