The e-mails, the baby and 2 men

So, I thought I would write. Over the past few days and weeks I've received several e-mails regarding things with the baby and Ryan.

I have had suggestions such as to abort the child, give him partial custody or full custody. I've been told that this baby will just interrupt my life and so, I should just get rid of it. Even adoption was in a few e-mails. Then 2 people suggested I wear a ring on my left hand so I don't get the questions or dirty looks. Let me ask. . . Why all the suggestions about what to do with the baby? Seriously? I never asked that. That was never even an option. I was and still am planning on keeping it. Giving my baby away was and never will be an option. And NO I will NOT wear a ring. There was a time I was ashamed but it wasn't so much that I am having a baby, it was because we had sex before marriage. But then when I went to God and confessed it, He forgave me and cleaned my sins. Recently I got a prophecy that said that God gave this baby to me to be a blessing and that I will not loose it and that the day of it's birth will be more than a blessing, but a new beginning as well. I have never thought of this child as anything but. Regardless of what people will say or think, it was created in love. Ryan and I truly loved each other when it was conceived.

As for the whole Ryan/David thing. Yes, David is great and he'd be a great husband. He said that if he were to marry me, we'd live on Mercer Island, and give the kids the best life we could. Because he's a lawyer, we'd never have to worry about money or finances. It seems like a dream come true and he truly does like me for me. He constantly reminds me how wonderful and nice and what a genuinely real person I am. He loves that about me and the fact that I take an interest in what he does.

But then there's 2 factors that keep me from really opening my heart up to him. First is, yes, I still love Ryan very deeply. People say just get over him, but when you really love someone, you just don't get over that person. I most likely will always love him.

And second, David is a Jew. That is, he does not believe in Jesus Christ and only believes the first 5 books of the Bible exist and are of God. This is a huge thing, as I love Jesus with my whole heart and want to raise my kids in that faith. I need a husband that is just as strong as I am. Or at the very least loves Christ and hungers to know more of him. It's kind of hard when they don't believe at all and that will only lead to heartache for me.

As for Ryan. I finally figured it out. While he and I had a totally different kind of relationship, not one where we'd sit and talk about school and intellectual things, but as I talked with a good friend yesterday, I realized what Ryan and I had was more real. More family! We didn't need to go to fancy, expensive restaurants or talk of the intellectual things of the world such as paintings, etc. We had the more down to earth family feel, and we loved all the same things such as playing sports, He played basketball with the guys in his free time and I loved that! I loved being able to go to his games and watch! It excited me to see him doing something he loved! We did the fun things such as went to the zoo or played with the kids and Red Robin was OK with him! That's my fav. place! We could just sit and talk and joke or not say anything at all and just be with each other and we were OK. I mean one of our dates consisted of cleaning his bathroom (he moved out, so he had to clean it and I wanted to help), and then we went bowling then to my son's tee-ball game! It may not be a normal or sophisticated but it was us and it fit us, and we loved it! The little things were more important, and it didn't matter what we were doing, but if we spent time together it was great! So yes, while I cleaned his toilet and bathtub, I didn't care, because I knew that I was with him! When he was sick I loved taking care of him and bringing him soup and sprite. I loved being able to take his little girl out to the zoo with Alexis so that he could sleep, and then we'd go shopping for dinner! I loved being able to cook dinner for the kids and bath them while he slept. I was a mom and taking care of Ryan and Jadyn along with Alexis and Mikey became a part of me and I loved it.

So, while I may pursue a career that will put me more well off, I honestly could trade it and trade money for love! I would rather be poor and have a great, happy family life and be in love than have money and stuff and not be in love or happy. So yes, I do pray God brings Ryan back around. I want our family whole again. And with this baby coming I want it's daddy to come back! I love it's daddy more than anyone I've ever loved and I thought that over time it would fade. But when you truly love someone it doesn't exactly fade.

You see, I am NOT the only one that loves and misses them. Alexis also does. All day yesterday she was whiny and clingy and crying. So, when I asked her last night what was wrong she said she really misses Ryan and Jadyn.

So, I guess we wait and pray and still hope that God provides a miracle! That He puts our family back together. But for now, I will still talk and hang out with David. It's kind of nice having someone I can talk to these days, considering all my close friends seem to busy with their own lives. Besides he tells me the things about the law that I needed to know. Such as WA State does not allow joint custody. The only way you can get it is if both parents agree and sign a document saying they want that. But The state won't ever grant it otherwise because it disrupts the child and they get confused and their education really suffers. He said those poor children are not going to be as stable. It's very true. So, I will not do this with this baby. I had contemplated it, but I can't and won't.

So, I leave you all in thought. . . Is it so important that I give this child away that provokes the e-mails. While you may have good intentions, the best intentions are just to support me with this baby. That what family and friends are supposed to do. And no matter what others say. It was never an accident or a mistake! I love my baby! And I can't wait to meet it on Christmas! What a Christmas gift! Ryan has in essence given me the best Christmas gift I will ever get! So, for that I will never forget him!

Just my thoughts as always