Stressed and still waiting!

Hi! So, I called the doctor this morning and still they didn't know or wouldn't tell me. That doesn't seem good! I am waiting in stress. I hate this. . . . The not knowing is so much worse than even knowing at this point. Why can't they just call? Do they not understand the stress this causes or the seriousness of it all?

The worse part it's Ryan's 30th birthday today! I didn't want this to happen, he doesn't deserve this. No matter what happened, no one deserves this stress on their birthday. . . It's his little baby!

Last night I could not sleep. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why? How come? Why us? It's not as if Ryan and I have struggles already. The worse part is that when this type of thing happens the couple is usually married so that at least they have each other for support. I won't lie, I do want a healthy child. I want a child who can do all the fun things and play sports. I want that miracle. Because I honestly don't know if I can do this alone. If Ryan and I were married it'd be way different.

Then I think, is this my punishment for having sex with him before we got married? But then why with him, would this happen? When God knew we wouldn't stay together? SO many questions. So many thoughts. Am I afraid? Yes! Am I scared that if things aren't normal that Ryan will reject his own child? YES! Am I afraid that I won't be able to get the surgery to help it if insurance doesn't pick up? Yes. At this point, if doing the surgery will help the baby even if puts my life at risk, I will do it. It deserves that chance!

So, now I sit and wait. . . Wringing my hands, sick to my stomach, tears in my eyes! I just want to be able to call Ryan with the great news! But I can't. Not when I sit and do not even know. I can't if there is no great news. I want to give him a good birthday, and at this point a healthy baby is the best present I can give him. . .

God do You hear my cries and see my tears?

Bri