2 Men, love and God!

Good morning to all! So, last night when David called he knew there was a different tone to my voice. Maybe it's because I was going to tell him I'm pregnant. I had when we first talked, but it hadn't really sunk in, I think.

So, he wanted to know what was up. So I told him I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. I told him I understood if he didn't want to talk any longer. Most guys totally avoid me once they find out. So, he asked questions like is Ryan involved, etc. I told him there was a time Ryan wanted to make things work for the baby, but left us anyhow. That he said he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. David was furious. He said that he was an immature man who needed to wake up and realize he was really going to hurt his own child. That his selfish actions will not only hurt my kids and I, but his own child will feel abandoned. I kind of already knew this. I told David that adoption wasn't an option when he suggested it. So, he asked if Ryan would come around. I told him I seriously doubted it. I said I hoped so for the child's sake, that he even went to every appointment in the beginning, but now he's been completely absent. I do hope he comes around, because he'll really miss out on his child's life but I also told David Ryan got scared, is afraid of commitment, and was too afraid to really let the kids and I love him. He even told my mom, he's never had someone love him so deeply and completely the way I did. He couldn't understand it. So, my mom said it was because I loved him with God's love.

So, then David asked if I had anything bad to say about him, and I told him absolutely not. That this is life and Ryan chose a different life. That I will not say anything bad about the father of my child. And I hate talking bad about others even when they break my heart. I mean when Jonathan did it a few years back I never said a bad thing about him and to this day I think he's an amazing man. So, David finally accepted things and the fact that Ryan is gone and he told me that he wasn't going to leave me just because I'm pregnant. That I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met. That what Ryan did was just insane because he lost the best thing that will happen to him, because he said that to be loved that much, it is very rare. He told me that he wanted to take me away, rescue me from all of this and just let me relax and be treated like the woman that I should be. So, this weekend he wants to take me to some place special. I told him I will not do anything over night yet. And that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone for a very long time. He understood. So, he said later he'll take me to some cool waterfalls in Oregon (I wonder if that is where Ryan was going to propose? He had told me he was going to propose under some waterfall in Oregon! It was the best non-proposal I've ever gotten! It made me cry!), and then later we'd go further when we had time, like down the California coast. He told me to get my passport so we could go someplace else! He is the sweetest guy I know these days. It's nice being treated special and with real concern and respect. He's not the love of my life but my mom said give him a chance. He truly is concerned and cares. So, he finally said he'll draw up a parenting plan and get all the papers in order for Ryan and I so that as soon as the child is here things are in order. I am so glad now that he's in my life. He told me that eventually if we get married we'll have one more to make it 4. Yikes! With Ryan, we would've had 4 together! I do miss his little girl so much!

My thoughts were I still can't marry a non Christian. But my mom said in time he may just come around if I continue to witness to him. I got to witness to him about the Philippines and India. And he was so amazed! He was in awe as to how I could be a missionary and not care what happened to me because I was willing to give my life so others could be saved. He said there was something different and amazing about me. I told him I was just following God's command to be disciples to all nations and go into ALL the world and preach the good news! It'll take a miracle for David to become a Christian because he is such a strong Jew. He even wants to go back to Israel, and I'd love to go with him if we end up together! How amazing would that be? But in all seriousness, I am in NO hurry to get married! The only man I could see myself saying yes to is Ryan. There was a time that I would've married Jon, and I didn't care if we lived in a one bedroom apartment. . . It's the same thing. If you really love someone, money isn't an issue. My mom said I will be the most well off of this whole family, besides my brother some day, if I marry David. Because if I stayed with him, I know I'd go to medical school. That is NOT an option. With an income from a doctor and a lawyer, of course we'll be well off. But with that kind of money I'd also want to do missions work and make sure the kids also had a great education. The thing is David and I value our education and we have had NO ONE help us out with the expenses. My folks are letting me stay in their house so I don't have to worry about that, but as far as paying for it, he did and I am.

In the long run however, happiness and love are still what I truly want. It doesn't matter if I am some well known doctor and he's some well known attorney, if we aren't happy and I am not in love I won't do it. I know with Ryan, we would've been poor for a while and struggled and had to really watch our money, but with love, you can make anything work. Besides, I'd get a degree that could really help us out. I still plan on it. If not medical, perhaps Psychology or something. I want to stay in state for now so that Ryan can have a chance if he desires to know know his child. I'd always stay in state if we ended back up together. But, I can't even fathom that any longer. He has not exactly been the nicest to me and I am carrying his child, the child he wanted way more than I! To tell you the truth it scared me at first when we would be at a store and he'd always stop in the baby section and look at all the little clothes. I always told him, "someday." But now, I have the child he wanted growing inside of me and he is absent. Go figure. Kind of ironic and backwards and twisted.

He once told me that he thought I was instable because I always change my mind. Yeah, about the little thing that don't matter, but come on! I am the only one that will be around for this child he so wanted! For better or for worse I am now committed to loving this child and taking care of it while he walks away and does his own thing. I am going to school and also raising my other two. So, is that unstable? I suppose if you want to think so. The only thing I ever told him was that I'd wait until he absolutely loved me and wanted to get married. That it didn't matter if it was next summer as we had planned or 10 years from now, I was willing to wait.

But, in all honestly why should I wait for someone who has walked away? Like David said, he'll realize it someday and know what and who he lost. I will not wait around forever. I will move on with my life and be happy and successful and have a loving family. And if there is a different man raising the children, but he loves them, then that's all that matters. I do want a whole family. So, if it someday is David or any other man, I am OK with it now. God has given me a peace about things. I am finally strong enough to let go and walk away. I am not going to wait like some pup that's lost it's mom and it's way back home. I am independent and I deserve so much more! I deserve a man that is going to treat me like a real woman and with love and respect. That's how it use to be. I'm not going to put up with someone who can't figure things out and treats me worse than yesterday's trash. I won't accept my feelings and emotions to be toyed with any longer. I was so vulnerable because I did fall completely in love with him. I let him own me in a sense. But, I can and will live without him. You know the saying goes, it's not who you can live with but who you can't live without. Well I felt I didn't want to live without him. He and his daughter had become my world with my own two. But the real saying should be, I can live without you, but I don't want to and I choose to make my life with you, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through all the fighting and making up. When things don't go as you want them to, you don't just walk away, throw in the towel and turn your back on them. You stick it out because you know that this person is worth it. You know that no matter what happened or what they may have done, that they truly are the person that will love you forever.

But, what do I know right? I mean I would never have walked away from the people I cared about regardless of what happened. Maybe I am just stronger than that. I know what commitment is and I know that You have to work at what you want. Love, the word, it's so easily thrown around.
But if you really love someone you stay with them and work it out even when the "feelings" and "emotions" are gone. Love means for better or worse. Love means you choose to stick it out because in the long run, things will be great!

All I know is that the next time I get married, it'll be for life. I will be darn sure we truly love each other. I will date the guy for a minimum of a year. I am sure we'll go through ups and downs, but time and the trials will tell. It will tell if we are strong enough to make a marriage work. I don't want my kids ever going through something like what they are going through with losing Ryan again. It's far worse for them to lose him than their own father. They would have rather spent time with Ryan than their own daddy. They were always telling him they loved him. And for Ryan to come with me to my son's teeball game made his whole world. When I got home that night he said he wanted to be just like him. Granted his own father was there as well, but what made Mike happy was Ryan being there. Ryan spent way more time with the kids than their own father does, so in a sense he became "daddy" to them. In fact another friend asked me why they called him daddy. So, I talked to Ryan and he said he loved it. I thought we were going to be together forever so I didn't mind. I made a terrible mistake because there is no way I would ever allow them to call any other man daddy. Not before, not after. The kids don't understand why "daddy" left them. Mike just said yesterday he still wants to play golf and basketball like "daddy Ryan!" That killed me. He still admires and adores him. Mike wants so much to be good to please him, and yet I know that Ryan could care less. And recently Alexis has stopped trusting men all together. She won't even go to her grandpa and always says she's mad at him. She says she just wants daddy Ryan and her sissy Jadyn back. Geez! Right when I meet a new man they start this whole thing again.

So yes, I made a big mistake. I will be very careful if any future men meet them. The guy will only be my "friend." We will make it though. All 4 (baby included)of us! I will tell the baby it's daddy loves it very much and just can't be around if that is what happens. I will never break or hurt my own children's hearts no matter how much mine is breaking or hurting. In time children always realize the truth on their own. I seriously hope that I don't have to say this to this child, I hope Ryan becomes the father I know he can be and is. But for now, I am so glad to have David. He believes in me and wants to make life better for me. He said it's time I get out of the corner and be recognized for being the woman I am! Who knows? Maybe someday I will be the doc performing that intense surgery for babies with open spinal bifida? But whatever I end up doing, whatever I end being, I will be great at it, because I have the compassion and passion that drives me to love whatever it is I am doing and be content with it! Even if I were a garbage man, I'd still be OK because I'd do it with the peace of God.

So, I will end with this comment. Whatever it is that's on your plate, just trust God. You can't know or predict the future. No matter what happens or what you expect to happen you just have to wait and trust that God knows what he's doing. Believe it or not, He has our best interest at heart and while we can't see it, while we suffer or have heart breaks or whatever we're going through, God has something so much better. I believe that God knew that Ryan and I needed a break because Ryan needs to figure out his life. Ryan will not be happy until he lets go of that other woman completely. He can't move on. He's stuck in the past. And it's because she left him. Had he left her, he wouldn't be confused he'd know he didn't love her. But she left him for the dad of her baby. If she leaves him once, she'll do it again. There's a reason she didn't choose Ryan over that man. She didn't love him. Not enough. Not the way he deserves to be loved. And he's confused because of it. God knew I deserved so much better! I deserve to be more than an afterthought! So, even though I don't know what will happen (hey God works miracles!), I know that with God everything will be OK. I still may wonder, I may even grieve, but I will live life and who knows maybe David will make me happy!

I am willing to open up and see what's there.

well, better run. I know it sounds weird, but I want to spend some time listening to God now. I do devotions in the morning, and then wait and listen to God. I like to stay as much in His presence as possible these days. I truly want to be able to walk in His image again! And for now, He is my beloved and the love in my life! He will give me everything I need and more!