A New Found Joy!

I know such a short time and I am writing again! I wanted to let you all know that as of yesterday I found out my little bundle of joy that is due at Christmas has open spinal bifida. The news was shocking and of course I cried. I told the father of the baby to give him a heads up. I had to go back in for more testing yesterday. I am hoping it was a false positive. The nurse said that if the due date is off it could be. So they tried adjusting it, and did it again. However, when I talked with the lab tech she said there are only 1 in 1000 false positives which led me to more tears. I thought, my goodness, my life is about to change forever. I will of course have to change my career option or may not even be able to have a career. I was informed that if this test is also positive we will do an ultrasound for a 3rd proof of positive then the next step is in womb surgery. My insurance will not cover this and it is $35,000. or more. So, then we'd have to pray God provides the money through a miracle. There are only 3 hospitals in America advanced enough to do such a risky surgery. One is in California. That is the one, I'd most likely choose. What the surgery contains is the anesthesiologist puts both the baby and I under and then cuts open my stomach and removes the uterus. Then they drain the amniotic fluid and put it into a warmer to hold it where then it will be replaced after surgery. Once that is done the baby will be lifted partially out of the womb to do the surgery. Once it is done the baby is placed back in and they put the uterus back inside of me and sew me up. This can be dangerous but it has saved many babies from undergoing the severe problems it would have had the surgery not been done before birth!

So, today I took my daughter, Alexis with me to PLU to register as I need to try and get some classes done before the baby arrives. She was so adorable saying we can't step in the muddles, nope, nope, we can't! It brought laughter to me and joy once again. Muddle is a mud puddle! I realized that I still love this baby, and regardless of what is wrong, whether it be open spinal bifida, (the worst possible thing a person can have) or anything else, I will still love it just the same! It has been a hard road, and last night I got literally no sleep. I have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to what I put in my mouth, whether it me food or meds! Everything can affect this little one now. I called for the test results and still no answer. Usually that isn't a good sign. I just pray and hope that things will be OK. My biggest worry, use to be the sex of this baby! But God showed me what real worry is, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought this could be a possibility! I guess only 1 in 2000 babies are born with it. 95% of parents who find out their child has it, aborts them. This of course is not an option! If the results come back positive, I will love it just the same as I loved it before I knew it might spend it's life in a wheelchair with tons of other problems! It will still be God's gift to me and a miracle nontheless, because God doesn't make mistakes! Maybe this is to show the father and I God's ultimate hand in things and His power, whether He chooses to heal or not! Either way, I will not blame God and I will not turn my back on this child. I may go through this whole thing alone. But I will have the love of my children daily to remind me that God gives us love through our children, every single one, whether they can play sports or whether they need help sitting! This baby will no doubt change my life forever. But it will be in an amazing way! Yes, while I have fears and worries like every parent, I also trust in God. I may cry at night with worry about how to make it all work, but then I come back to trusting God. There are sometimes no real reasons why things happen or why things happen to us. I've learned we have to take it all, the good with the bad. And regardless of what happens, never ever turn our backs on these precious gifts. This baby will NOT be a burden rather it will teach me how to appreciate everything in life! I am not certain of anything anymore. In fact I wondered why God would give me this to carry. Then I was reminded God only gives us what He knows we can handle! Apparently God thinks the father and I can handle this! So, until I get those daunting test results back, I still remain hopeful. But alas, I will always remain faithful to God! So, I ask you all now, when you get a brief moment, please bow your head and pray. Pray for God's divine touch and His healing hand! But also pray that whatever God's will is, it be done! God surely knows what He is doing even when we don't! All I know is that even if it can't run or play sports or do all the normal things children can do, it'll still be "perfect" to me! This is my blessing from God! I will try to attach a picture of the baby when we do the ultrasound! But I will surely let you all know the final results! I love you all and you all have been a blessing to me!

Smiling in the midst of tears,

Brianne