The Call. . . What really happened behind the scenes

Hi. I guess one doesn't really understand what happens or what or when things went wrong until the relationship is over. And sometimes they never really do. Take me for example. I never understood what happened. How could Ryan go from loving me and our child to leaving us. Then the realization hit me. I had told him that I loved him on Easter and 2 minutes later he's texting his ex to wish her a happy easter. What the hell! The things we realize later. He told me that night he still loved me. So why would he be cheating on me. He said that talking with her was not so. But then as I sat here and thought he was having an emotional affair with her is a sense. Here we are getting married and he announced it to all his family and friends and he was doing this. God brings to light what is done in the darkness. I didn't understand that for 2 more days he'd tell me how much he loves me and then out of the blue tell me he can't love me anymore. I wanted to stay friends for the baby's sake and I loved him so very dearly. I mean I thought we were getting married!

So we remained friends. He was my best friend, and we did things together. He was again telling me I was beautiful and inviting me to do things. I didn't understand the whole thing. But I loved him so I went with it. And to think now I blew off the chance to kiss the one man I had wanted to, yet my heart was with Ryan! Then we saw the baby's heartbeat and he had tears of joy in his eyes. He them realized he wanted to work things out. He became the man I knew and loved again! We did everything together and he'd always call or text just to see how I was! It was amazing and I was so happy! The happiest I'd been in a very long time! When I told him he gave me butterflies he said I did that to him to! When I told him how very happy I was he said he was so happy too! Life was great! We were together again and I "knew" things were going to be great! We did go to Vegas together and had a great time! He even had said he didn't want to marry there because he wanted to do it with me the right way. I was fine with that, because I "knew" he was telling the truth. Or so I thought.

When we got home, I soon found out he was in contact with this ex girlfriend again! My heart again shattered. He said it was over completely between us! That we couldn't even be friends. He wanted nothing to do with his child either. I was astounded! How could we go from being so happy and loving to this with just one woman? I cried for days. i missed him for weeks. I still loved him with everything within me. I didn't understand all of it! Was it all just lies from him? For the first time, I felt completely alone in everything. I hated that woman! She ruined our relationship and our lives. She took him away from my kids! And I hoped she'd burn in hell! I was so angry. But I slowly let it all go. I can't make him love me. I can't make him NOT cheat on me. Though it made me realize that this was a repeat of my exes in the past, yet this is the first time I cared.

This past week I became OK with being without Ryan forever and raising his child on my own. But then I got a weird call just a few moments ago that brought back the flood of memories. I still have no idea who it is but they had told me that they saw Ryan's old phone and told me the texts that was sent to and from her. They told me the number and her name. It was indeed her. They told me that they just wanted to let me know because I deserved better than that and that Ryan was too confused. They apparently know him well, because they told me things he and I had done that only he and I knew about. They told me that at one time he truly did love me and want to marry me. I sat here speechless and in complete silence after I answered the phone. The tears once again fell from my eyes. My vision became so blurry until I couldn't even to see to hang up the phone after that person did. The man's last words were that someday Ryan would realize it and he will regret not choosing to love me and his child and work things out. But he said that it'd be too late. I did ask who he was and he said a very old friend of Ryan's. He even knew who Ryan was going to have standing in our wedding for him. Who would know this. I tried to recognize the voice of the man from the many friends of his that I met. I couldn't quite place it. He would not tell me. Before he hung up, I asked him why he was calling me to tell me this. He said because I needed to know. And that I needed to know that at one time Ryan did love me and I was his world! That he'd never seen him as happy as he was when he was with me. Then he said goodbye and good luck with the baby and everything. So, I sat sobbing, wondering who this man was. Who is he? Why on earth when I have finally given Ryan over to God so that I can be free would this happen? It made me love and miss him all over again and yet realize that it didn't matter how happy and how much Ryan loved me. Until he got his life straightened out and figured out his own life, he'd never truly be free to love me and his child. This baby I carry that moves inside of me! I weep because I know that heartache and pain it's own daddy will cause it! I know what rejection is like. I love this child so much and I just can't bear to see it get hurt the way Ryan has hurt me and the other children! So, why God? I question Him now. Why must this man have called, when I was doing great? Why did this man call almost 2 months later to bring back the pain. He thought that I would be happy that Ryan loved me I am guessing, but it brings all that much more pain.

So, yeah, I do want to get on with life, and just forget this whole thing. But unfortunately it seems that it will be around for quite some time to haunt me! I will eventually forget Ryan and all the pain. I asked God to take all the pain he's caused me and the children in the past, so that I can love again!

But for this moment. For this brief lapse in time, I sit here and weep! I weep over all the beauty we had together and all that he let go of and wasted. He may never realize what he threw away. He may never really care one ounce for his child I carry. But whatever the future holds, it's now in God's hands.

Crying tears of bitterness,

Bri