A Job Unnoticed!

I try to sleep and the pain from the contractions start to hit me. Then I am woken not to much longer after I finally doze off by my now 4 year old daughter, Mommy, can I sleep with you? Sure sweetie I say, as I am too exhausted to fight tonight and she had just turned 4 an hour previous. I role over and put her in the center of the bed. Then the pain in my arm hits and I am breathless as I am left to figure out what to do. I get up to take a bath, hoping it'll help subside my arm/hand pain as well as the continuous contractions. No such luck. But I can't just go back to bed. That was not an option. I made Mike's lunch and packed his backpack. The days of being a mother are endless now. I finally decide it's time to try and settle back down to sleep around 3. Though this time I grab the hot pack and head to my daughter's twin bed. I knew at that moment the pain was going to be unbearable, and I was already in tears. This was much worse than natural childbirth because unlike that, this pain is endless. Breathless I lay down begging God to stop the ain just for a bit. No such luck. He must be busy up there I think. The tears now stinging my tired eyes. I toss and turn trying to rid the pain any way possible. Finally I give up as it is now time to get my son ready for school. So, I pull myself out of bed and stumble up the stairs so that I can pull out his clothes. He slowly gets dressed as I get his meds ready. Poor kid, i think, he's on at least 5 different things for allergies and yet is not improving. We've tried a couple of times changing things with no such luck! Finally he's ready for school and he hugs and kisses me goodbye as he heads out to grab his bus into town. My little boy, my first baby is growing up so fast!

I knew that I had to go to the hospital. This was not even an option any longer. I knew because I couldn't even button my son's shirt, a simple thing that I should be able to accomplish! My hands were so painful and shook as if I couldn't control them. So I fed my daughter whom insisted on kix without milk until I told her milk helps her bones grow strong so that she grows taller to go on the rides at Disneyland, which we hope to do next summer! Then she gobbles it all down! Into a nigh night shower we go as the kids call it. It's a shower with the lights off and only a night light twinkling through! We finally get out and I tell her to pick out her special birthday dress! She does and we dress! Finally I can go find out the cause of the pain! So, my mom and sister, Jenny take me and Alexis to the ER. There's a catch! Because I am pregnant, I must first go to Labor and Delivery for the contractions. GRRR! That was the last thing on my mind now! I wanted relief! Oh well, after L&D I would. So they held me up there for hours. They decided not to break my water after all. Man! And then I can't get x-rays for some reason and so I head home with no answers and the pain. I think man, I have to get the pain under control because I am ready to amputate my own arm! I can no longer use it because any motion whatsoever makes the pain that much more agressive and sharp. As I get home I realize it's now time to pick up my son from his bus stop, so out the door I head again! I bring him home and give Alexis her birthday present! It's then that I realize oh no, I forgot to pick up the kid's birthday cake! So, to Albertson's I head! I take Mike with me as Alexis is too worn out to go, though she wants to! We pick up the cake and head home! Their dad finally arrive to take them for the weekend, and Alexis decides she is not going! What a sad sight as I had to fight just to put her in the car! Tomorrow is their birthday party so I must pick them up early for it!

Mike is excited to have baby Izzy come and Alexis is now very clingy! What a mess it all is! Izzy is going to be my first baby born in Dec! I never thought I'd see the day! Though this is good so that Alexis won't have to share her birthday with her!

All I can say is that if you think a job outside the home is tuff, try being a full time mommy! Or a full time mommy and student! It's exhausting and a job that will never be recognized! Yes, these days, we are lucky to get through without some kind of problem, but we always work things out before the kids go to sleep! It's been hard being a single mom to 2 and now I have a newborn on the way! I will have to again figure it all out as I must return to my studies full time with her fresh out of the womb! I have to micromanage her and the other two now deviding my time between 3 kids! They start basketball in Jan. so I must figure that into the equation as well!

Yes, life's been tuff! And I reaziled that now I may forever be doing it alone. I've come to realize that the hopes I had for Izzy's dad coming around will never happen. I've also realized that almost all men want nothing to do with a woman with 3 kids, especially if there are 2 dads. I do know that Izzy's dad told me this past week that if I make it and keep her he'll walk away from her forever and she'll never know him. So, I guess that's one less complication. But it saddens me, because I have no idea what to tell her. That her dad never wanted her? She won't understand why her brother and sister see their father and hers abandoned her. She'll never know what it's like to have a daddy! The tears again stung my eyes this week as he told me this. It just makes no sense as just last Sat. he promised he'd always be in her life and be there for her. He says he doesn't remember that. I figured as much. He'd rather have a life where she doesn't exist so he can do whatever he wants and be with whomever he wants. Her sister, his daughter will never know she has a baby sister! So all this hits as I get ready to have her.

It makes me wonder now. Should I just have her alone and not tell him. He said he only wanted to be there out of respect to me. That's not respect when he'll just walk away. He's not the man he once was. He used to be terrified I wouldn't let him be in her life at all. Now he is choosing to walk away from her.

I have no idea what I will do when the time comes to have her. I don't know if I'll call him or not. Only time will tell.

Well, I'm going now as my arm and hand are throbbing from writing this.

Confused and in pain,

Bri

If only no news was good news

Hi! Well still pregnant, but it's not been fun! I haven't been able to eat in 2 or 3 days. But because I have too much amniotic fluid, she doesn't want to come now, even though the contractions are very intense.

My whole left arm from my shoulder down to my fingertips are in pain, and going numb. It's probably from the fall cuz it's a constant pain now. I realized this morning after a night of tears that I will never be able to really write again if it doesn't get fixed. So, school is not going to be an option any longer. I am scared cuz I don't know what I am going to do if I make it. I won't even be able to hold the baby cuz I may drop her. My hand shakes just combing my hair. I wonder what God is doing and why He is allowing problem after problem happen.

And as of now I guess Ryan won't be in the baby's life yet again. He won't even be at the birth now. He said he'd go because he respects me, but I dont want him there because he doesn't want to be there. I have no idea what happened because we went from being ok and talking to him pulling this again. So I give up. I'd rather just do it alone.

So, there is no good news to report today. I've been crying since yesterday and now I just want to have her.

This sad girls life

36 Weeks, Life and the Talk!

Hi! So, I am taking a quick break from life to write! Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks which is amazing! She is growing so big! Last weekend I exchanged all her preemie clothes for newborn! Sigh. . . It's a great thing, because she's going to make it and they aren't very concerned as she is now ready. Meanwhile they said that it must be the hardest thing on me being in constant labor for 3 months now! I started active labor at 19 weeks! Weeks and months later she's still in there kicking! Though I am ready any time as the contractions are getting worse. But I don't want to go in until my water breaks. My doctor said that by the time I finally go in, I'll probably just have to push once or twice and she'll be out or I'll have an emergency c-section, cuz she's still breach. But she turns all the time from breach to heads down. It depends on her mood and they said I actually have too much amniotic fluid, making it very easy for her to even do flips! This I actually feel!

I do pray she'll be a beautiful child, full of grace, tenderness, and kindness! There are days I dream that she'll have beautiful brown locks and soft brown eyes! But whatever she looks like, I'll still love her! The most important is that she is a a beautiful child on the inside and sweet and sincere!

I know that life is about to change forever! It's hard enough to be a single mother of 2, but a 3rd adds so much more chaos when you are doing it alone. I still don't know what to tell her about her father at this point, or if he'll even be around for her. He said he wants to be now, but I will wait, cuz life with him always changes. Though I finally talked to him about things and about us and who we were and what the future is. I told him I can't just be what I am now. That I want to be a wife and a mom and I want to make the meals and clean the house and take care of him and the kids. That doesn't mean I won't work, cuz I still want to. But I want someone to fall asleep with every night, and wake up with every morning! Someone to go on vacations with! I know he can't be the man I want anymore. He told me he's not capable of it because he lives in the here and now, and I want a future! It'll be hard walking away romantically from him but over the past few weeks we've really talked about things and I want to be more than just the mom of his daughter. I realized the past couple of days I will only always be that no matter what. We got into an argument and I told him I was angry with him. He wanted me to stay with him and hold me and I was NOT in the mood. But I finally gave up and we talked about things and I told him that when two people argue it's because they care about each other and love them, and he agreed! He knows that we are good together, but he's so afraid. I told him I was stupid for loving him and he said no it wasn't. But unless he's willing o love me back it is. I want something more meaningful. Not some call girl. Besides I'll have his daughter soon, and I can't let her get hurt. Things become much more complicated when you have a baby in the mix.

So those are my thoughts! I hope my lil' Isabella Joy~Leilani comes today!

I need clarity and strength to do what's right! Please pray for that!

I am just trusting God to work out all the math! And if it's not him, then that God will bring me someone that does want those things!

Bri

Life Happens, What can you do?

Hi all! It's been a while and boy do I have A ton to write, but for now I am super exhausted. I was in the hospital for preterm labor for 3 days last week, and well I actually got preeclampsia from it! Loooonnng story! But the scary thing is that they said the blood tests came back possitive for eclampsia and that my liver is failing. NOT something I had when I went in. I actually gained over 15 pounds in a few days! I honestly never saw that coming! Going into the hospital with only contractions and cramping and coming out with this! I am not allowed to take anything for the pain either, not even tylenol! And one can only describe the pain as a knife going into my front and coming out my back and slowly turning it! It really hurts and I haven't slept in a week! But now all I care about is that Izzy is OK! They are waiting on more blood tests to see if they will deliver her now. If my liver is more than 50% failing they'll take her immediately. So anyhow, I did gain some cool insights while there and lately. I spose God lets everything happen for a reason! Now I just trust and depend that God'll do what is best for the kids! I love all of them so much! I just want to be a good mom to all 3 of my babies!

So that is the latest for now! I can barely keep my eyes open and I've been told I look like death! LOL! Such a great comment, but alas I do know it's true. My youth is gone!

Exhausted,

Bri