36 Weeks, Life and the Talk!

Hi! So, I am taking a quick break from life to write! Tomorrow I will be 36 weeks which is amazing! She is growing so big! Last weekend I exchanged all her preemie clothes for newborn! Sigh. . . It's a great thing, because she's going to make it and they aren't very concerned as she is now ready. Meanwhile they said that it must be the hardest thing on me being in constant labor for 3 months now! I started active labor at 19 weeks! Weeks and months later she's still in there kicking! Though I am ready any time as the contractions are getting worse. But I don't want to go in until my water breaks. My doctor said that by the time I finally go in, I'll probably just have to push once or twice and she'll be out or I'll have an emergency c-section, cuz she's still breach. But she turns all the time from breach to heads down. It depends on her mood and they said I actually have too much amniotic fluid, making it very easy for her to even do flips! This I actually feel!

I do pray she'll be a beautiful child, full of grace, tenderness, and kindness! There are days I dream that she'll have beautiful brown locks and soft brown eyes! But whatever she looks like, I'll still love her! The most important is that she is a a beautiful child on the inside and sweet and sincere!

I know that life is about to change forever! It's hard enough to be a single mother of 2, but a 3rd adds so much more chaos when you are doing it alone. I still don't know what to tell her about her father at this point, or if he'll even be around for her. He said he wants to be now, but I will wait, cuz life with him always changes. Though I finally talked to him about things and about us and who we were and what the future is. I told him I can't just be what I am now. That I want to be a wife and a mom and I want to make the meals and clean the house and take care of him and the kids. That doesn't mean I won't work, cuz I still want to. But I want someone to fall asleep with every night, and wake up with every morning! Someone to go on vacations with! I know he can't be the man I want anymore. He told me he's not capable of it because he lives in the here and now, and I want a future! It'll be hard walking away romantically from him but over the past few weeks we've really talked about things and I want to be more than just the mom of his daughter. I realized the past couple of days I will only always be that no matter what. We got into an argument and I told him I was angry with him. He wanted me to stay with him and hold me and I was NOT in the mood. But I finally gave up and we talked about things and I told him that when two people argue it's because they care about each other and love them, and he agreed! He knows that we are good together, but he's so afraid. I told him I was stupid for loving him and he said no it wasn't. But unless he's willing o love me back it is. I want something more meaningful. Not some call girl. Besides I'll have his daughter soon, and I can't let her get hurt. Things become much more complicated when you have a baby in the mix.

So those are my thoughts! I hope my lil' Isabella Joy~Leilani comes today!

I need clarity and strength to do what's right! Please pray for that!

I am just trusting God to work out all the math! And if it's not him, then that God will bring me someone that does want those things!

Bri