A Job Unnoticed!

I try to sleep and the pain from the contractions start to hit me. Then I am woken not to much longer after I finally doze off by my now 4 year old daughter, Mommy, can I sleep with you? Sure sweetie I say, as I am too exhausted to fight tonight and she had just turned 4 an hour previous. I role over and put her in the center of the bed. Then the pain in my arm hits and I am breathless as I am left to figure out what to do. I get up to take a bath, hoping it'll help subside my arm/hand pain as well as the continuous contractions. No such luck. But I can't just go back to bed. That was not an option. I made Mike's lunch and packed his backpack. The days of being a mother are endless now. I finally decide it's time to try and settle back down to sleep around 3. Though this time I grab the hot pack and head to my daughter's twin bed. I knew at that moment the pain was going to be unbearable, and I was already in tears. This was much worse than natural childbirth because unlike that, this pain is endless. Breathless I lay down begging God to stop the ain just for a bit. No such luck. He must be busy up there I think. The tears now stinging my tired eyes. I toss and turn trying to rid the pain any way possible. Finally I give up as it is now time to get my son ready for school. So, I pull myself out of bed and stumble up the stairs so that I can pull out his clothes. He slowly gets dressed as I get his meds ready. Poor kid, i think, he's on at least 5 different things for allergies and yet is not improving. We've tried a couple of times changing things with no such luck! Finally he's ready for school and he hugs and kisses me goodbye as he heads out to grab his bus into town. My little boy, my first baby is growing up so fast!

I knew that I had to go to the hospital. This was not even an option any longer. I knew because I couldn't even button my son's shirt, a simple thing that I should be able to accomplish! My hands were so painful and shook as if I couldn't control them. So I fed my daughter whom insisted on kix without milk until I told her milk helps her bones grow strong so that she grows taller to go on the rides at Disneyland, which we hope to do next summer! Then she gobbles it all down! Into a nigh night shower we go as the kids call it. It's a shower with the lights off and only a night light twinkling through! We finally get out and I tell her to pick out her special birthday dress! She does and we dress! Finally I can go find out the cause of the pain! So, my mom and sister, Jenny take me and Alexis to the ER. There's a catch! Because I am pregnant, I must first go to Labor and Delivery for the contractions. GRRR! That was the last thing on my mind now! I wanted relief! Oh well, after L&D I would. So they held me up there for hours. They decided not to break my water after all. Man! And then I can't get x-rays for some reason and so I head home with no answers and the pain. I think man, I have to get the pain under control because I am ready to amputate my own arm! I can no longer use it because any motion whatsoever makes the pain that much more agressive and sharp. As I get home I realize it's now time to pick up my son from his bus stop, so out the door I head again! I bring him home and give Alexis her birthday present! It's then that I realize oh no, I forgot to pick up the kid's birthday cake! So, to Albertson's I head! I take Mike with me as Alexis is too worn out to go, though she wants to! We pick up the cake and head home! Their dad finally arrive to take them for the weekend, and Alexis decides she is not going! What a sad sight as I had to fight just to put her in the car! Tomorrow is their birthday party so I must pick them up early for it!

Mike is excited to have baby Izzy come and Alexis is now very clingy! What a mess it all is! Izzy is going to be my first baby born in Dec! I never thought I'd see the day! Though this is good so that Alexis won't have to share her birthday with her!

All I can say is that if you think a job outside the home is tuff, try being a full time mommy! Or a full time mommy and student! It's exhausting and a job that will never be recognized! Yes, these days, we are lucky to get through without some kind of problem, but we always work things out before the kids go to sleep! It's been hard being a single mom to 2 and now I have a newborn on the way! I will have to again figure it all out as I must return to my studies full time with her fresh out of the womb! I have to micromanage her and the other two now deviding my time between 3 kids! They start basketball in Jan. so I must figure that into the equation as well!

Yes, life's been tuff! And I reaziled that now I may forever be doing it alone. I've come to realize that the hopes I had for Izzy's dad coming around will never happen. I've also realized that almost all men want nothing to do with a woman with 3 kids, especially if there are 2 dads. I do know that Izzy's dad told me this past week that if I make it and keep her he'll walk away from her forever and she'll never know him. So, I guess that's one less complication. But it saddens me, because I have no idea what to tell her. That her dad never wanted her? She won't understand why her brother and sister see their father and hers abandoned her. She'll never know what it's like to have a daddy! The tears again stung my eyes this week as he told me this. It just makes no sense as just last Sat. he promised he'd always be in her life and be there for her. He says he doesn't remember that. I figured as much. He'd rather have a life where she doesn't exist so he can do whatever he wants and be with whomever he wants. Her sister, his daughter will never know she has a baby sister! So all this hits as I get ready to have her.

It makes me wonder now. Should I just have her alone and not tell him. He said he only wanted to be there out of respect to me. That's not respect when he'll just walk away. He's not the man he once was. He used to be terrified I wouldn't let him be in her life at all. Now he is choosing to walk away from her.

I have no idea what I will do when the time comes to have her. I don't know if I'll call him or not. Only time will tell.

Well, I'm going now as my arm and hand are throbbing from writing this.

Confused and in pain,

Bri