It's Better to Love: Life's Lesson

Good Morning! I am just sitting here with the baby, as she is talking and smiling at me, and I think to myself, life is too short. Too short to be angry. To short to hate someone. To short to not care about others. It takes more energy to be angry and hate and not care than it does to be happy, love and care! It’s easier to pray God blesses someone than it is to pray that the person that hurt you so deeply gets what’s coming to them and pray God makes them hurt the way they’ve hurt you. Don’t tell me that at at least one point in your life you didn’t wish someone that hurt you felt the pain they had caused you. We’re all human. We’ve all done it! But I woke up this morning and remembered back to my conversation with a great friend, Eric and I once had. He said Bri, it’s harder to love those that hurt you, but that’s what God commands. To love our enemies and those who spitefully use you. I was not ready to hear it then, because I was in the hurt mode. But looking back over the years and the conversations Eric and I have had back and forth, I realized that everything happens for a reason!

Since 2005, I’ve been through a lot of crap. I won’t lie. The very essence of who I was was being tested day in and out from every worldly angle possible. If it wasn’t one thing it was surely another. I still had so much to learn. I was a Christian and knew the Bible back and forth and could at any given moment give you a verse for what you were going through, but trying to grasp it and comprehend it was a different story. I had been so hurt by so many friends and the church of all things. There were times I had no idea why I was still here. I mean why did God choose to save my life so many times? I still wonder at times this, because it seems God seems to be so distant and far away. Where art though God? Why are you hiding? I cried in the night! The only time I was allowed to truly cry was at night so that my children didn’t see mommy’s pain. I was so put together on the outside, but on the inside I wondered where God had been.

I may not know all the answers and I still feel the hurt from the most recent events, but Slowly and surely God has come out of hiding. . . Or is it that I have finally learned yet again how to be still, listen and know His beloved voice? Talking with Jesus is what has gotten my through, especially now. It’s not always easy and I don’t always get the answers I want, but the one thing I am certain of, is that my daughter (the baby) is no mistake. Because of her, I am realizing that it is time to slow down and really open my heart to loving people. I had my other two when I was young, and I don’t think I fully knew, understood or appreciate being a mom and just watching every smile. This time around it’s been different. I don’t feel so alone because I feel God’s presence here helping me raise her. This time not once have I ever gotten angry or upset or even cried when it took minutes to calm her. I would just walk with her and talk to her and sing to her. She has two favorites that really calm her down. The first is He’s got the whole world in His hands. And the second is Oh be careful what eyes what you see! Yesterday, for example, we were at the Y, because Alexis had ballet and she decided to cry. She was so overwhelmed and tired That it took over a half an hour to calm her down! Others looked at me as they passed. Then one old grandmother came over and said she could truly see the love in my eyes for her and that she’d been watching me with her since we got there. I sensed Izzy’s frustration and went with it. No longer do I get a sense that I can’t be a mom... Through all that I’ve gone through and with her having no dad around, you’d think I’d be more stressed. After all, my other two pregnancies were a breeze and the after math I was healthy again right away! This hasn’t been the case with this little one. I had to take the postpartum Blues survey. My doctor said all that I have been going through it’s a wonder I’m even out of bed. She said she herself would be so depressed if she were walking in my shoes. That usually the baby is the first to blame for everything. She cant imagine dealing with what I am still dealing with. I’ve slowly had others tell me they would never even want to walk 30 feet in my shoes because of the things I’ve been through. Yet, I’ve never blamed the baby or the children. She is a blessing and a joy to me!

God is teaching me far more through the path of the unknown that is definitely bumpy, full of pot holes, is so narrow that at times you have to put one foot in front of the other or you’ll fall into the ocean, the path where the thorns from the sticker bushes reach out and snag my cloths, sometimes tearing them to shreds. Yes, I have to say that most of my adult life, I’ve been on this path. I can’t imagine life any other way. Maybe that why I’ve learned to love the very people who use me and hate me. Maybe that’s why I can extend my hand and all that I have to a complete stranger and never want anything in return. I know I will never be a mother Theresa, but I strive for excellence and Pray that God’s mercy gets me through.

Something that I’ve kept hidden deep within my heart is the desire to truly be able to love again and be loved deeply in return. How interesting it is that I’ve had several people, I don’t know and those who don’t know me well tell me that is about to come to past. I know this means growing and stretching and going outside my comfort zone. But last night Eric told me it’s going to happen! He and his wife Bobbie have been there for me in the days where I felt I was drowning in quicksand and there was no way out. They are the type of friends you want to have for a life time because they are real. They tell you how it is but never turn their backs on you no matter what you’ve done. I have to say if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. They have renewed my belief in God, and when I start to look down, that is when they call, or write to remind me just how much God does love me!

So, what is God teaching me? How to love better, be stronger, be a woman of character, and one who when that day comes will be the proverbs wife to my husband. I’ve got so much to learn but I am learning! Maybe I didn’t get it right the last couple of times, but then again, I truly can’t be the only person that is invested into a relationship. The next time around, I will NOT compromise who I am just to please a man. And he’ll be the most wonderful man! I wont have to be something I’m not or try to change just for him. Besides when I meet a real man who truly isn’t afraid, he’ll loves the kids too and we’ll be a real family.

So with all this said, I must go feed the baby and get ready for school! Smile! And learn to really love those you hate! Pray God blessed them and actually start to care about them, and God will bless you beyond your wildest dreams! Don’t rob yourself of God’s blessings because of the anger you have inside of you! Let go. Forgive. And even be friends with them. Real Friends. That’s what I’ve learned to do and who knew. I am now friends with the very people that hurt me the deepest! When I wanted to hate them and had every right to I forgave them and befriended them. Who knows why people do what they do? Maybe they do love you? Maybe they are jealous? Or just maybe they just need a friend. So look beyond what you see. Look through the microscope to the deeper root of things. Everyone needs compassion! Everyone needs a friend. So try being that to them. Just remember there’s a reason for everything. You may not know their motives or even agree with them, but learn to start putting others above yourself, above your needs. Don’t ask God to change them. Ask Him to change you and your heart.

Love you all,

Bri