Izzy and Life

Hi! Well Thank goodness my lab final is done! I am so grateful to get rid of the "cats!" I'd much rather work on humans as gross as that sounds!

So, as stressful as life's been, I am always glad to be able to just sit down and hold Izzy and play with her! The older two think they are too big to hold these days. : (

You know this past year has been full of so many events that it just seems so unreal. I've been walking in a series of dreams and nightmares. And yet, I can't seem to wake up from it. Some days it seems like a dream but most days the nightmares continue. It seems as if having a baby is still so unreal. But now looking down on her now sleeping body, I sigh with happiness,because through it all I still got my miracle baby! She truly is that after all I've gone through!

Well I'd better run. Time to sleep!

Bri

This Can't Be True, Can It?

Hi! Yes it's true! Many that know me have said that Isabella definitely looks like me when I was young! She, like alexis, is a stylin baby though! LOL!

And yes, it's true! God has totally blessed me, with a a Toyota! Someone from my folks church heard I needed a car and was carless and is giving me his! God sure is good when you trust again, isn't He! Slowly, my life is getting better! I just have to keep trusting is all! Well all, better run, I promised I'd get 100's on the rest of my exams! And yes we are moving back into the house today! So goodbye beach house! It was great while it lasted!

Love you all!

Bri

Isabella

Hi all! Izzy is finally 4 months! Wow, time sure does fly! She got her shots yesterday, so the past few days have been quite hard for her! But she sure is growing! Almost 25 inches now but just 13 pounds!

So anyhow, that's the Izzy update for now!

Tired,

Bri

A New Perspective!

Hi all! So I must say, it was good to go to church this morning. I usually go to a Saturday night service, but, well without a car, I went with the folks. They talked about all the hungry people of the world. It was really amazing! And get this, out of 1000 women pulled, 22% would offer 10 years off their lives to be at their "ideal weight." How sick and twisted. And 23% said they'd spend 10 days in jail if they could loose weight. Another 24% said they'd shave their head to loose weight. And I can't remember the rest, but that is what stood out to me! So then he asked who's worked at a charitable place such as the Fish Food Bank. Get this only 4 people in the whole church has! I was one of the 4! All Junior and Senior year, I volunteered 20 hours a week there. I thought most people have done stuff like that. Then a few years back a small group that I belonged to, we helped the boys scout collect donations for the food bank! Now if you visit the hungersite.com you will be donating to the hungry people just by checking out the site, no cost to you. Here are two other good ones to check out. Bread.org fishfoodbanks.org. Worldvision.org is another good one to check out.

So today there was that familiar feeling that stirred within me again. You know, that feeling you know what you're supposed to be doing but then ask God, why me? How's it possible? And with no money and no car, how? Well, I have a feeling God is about to show me. Because why would He place such a desire within me and then not fulfill it? He's called me for something more. So, why do I keep pushing that voice away? I wonder this all the time. I know that there is a reason I am a single mom.

On the way home today (I took Mike and Izzy to the store to get his school snack, cupcakes!) he started asking really hard questions. Such as mommy, when did daddy leave us. And why? Was he mean to you and us? Why didn't you get along? So I answered best I could. Then he went into to the whole why did Ryan leave you and Izzy thing. I asked him what was bothering him. He said cuz Ryan is not here anymore. He's kept it in all this time. So I think it's time to get him some help to sort out his feelings!

So this is my day so far! And last night Izzy and I were talking and everyone swears she said mom! It was so exciting! And just now she laughed out loud again! It's so adorable and cute! Well Better run! Time to play with the kids!

Accepting Life as it is,

Bri

reaization

Today was just one of those days. Today I woke up sad as you would've guessed if you read the blog prior to this one! Then a little later, I realized how much like Jadyn Isabella is. Then I finally took Izzy and we went out for the afternoon. (the kids went back to the old house with grandpa to mow the lawn and ride bikes) So my mom let me take her car so I could get out of the house! While the lake house is great, sometimes it's great to get away! Though it's always interesting when you see a sail boat capsize or a boat full of drunk people come back into port going backwards. LOL! But anyhow it was good to get out and away.

I was able to really clear my head. And I realized something. As I looked at my lil baby girl and as many people stopped me to say how beautiful and cute she was I really thought about everything. I wanted to be angry and mad about everything. After all I have a right to. But for some reason, knowing everything, I'm no longer angry. No matter what, I can't make Ryan love his daughter, so today or maybe this evening something inside of me just gave up! I gave hoping that he'd someday come around. I guess it'll just take time to forget now. And soon it'll be hard to remember anything.

The truth is, I started to date a guy again. But after a sonics game, I just didn't see it going anywhere. And I just couldn't do it anymore. After all the time wasted with Ryan and all back and forth, I realized that I didn't want to waste anymore time with a guy that I knew I couldn't marry. So I told him I could never have those feelings for him and I was sorry. I was OK with being friends but that is it. So things were OK for a week and then he started to tell me he missed me, etc. Well, the thing is I know what my worth is, and he was a waste of my time. I didn't care how much he made or his occupation. Sure we would've been set for life, but you know what? I'd rather be poor and happy! finally after a 2AM text the other night I'd had it. I told him to play games with other women, because I was not interested in it. I no longer will take a 2AM call from guys. It's ridiculous. Any guy that has a respect for a woman isn't going to be calling or texting that late. I just stopped picking up the phone. A few guys have done this in the past month and once I go to bed, I will not pick up the phone. It's time for self respect. I have kids and school and a life. And the guys that I talk to and am friends with, the real men don't call me in the wee hours of the morning! So that is that. I haven't heard from him since.

So, somewhere along the way, with the whole Ryan thing and everything else, I finally found myself and have enough respect for myself to not stick around guys. I am really not into the whole dating thing right now anyhow. Right now I am more focused on the kids, school and God. Well for now that my life. I have to run. I have church in the morning and have to go to sleep!

Good Night,

Bri

Baby Izzy, Abandoned

As I sit and look and baby Izzy, or Bella as we sometimes now call her, I see so much life in her. What's more, is I see so much of her sister Jadyn in her. Jadyn is Ryan's other daughter. But the two seem so far to be a lot alike. . . They both have the same smile (I think they must get that from their dad) and their personalities seem a lot a like. It's hard to explain unless you know Jadyn. But Baby Izzy, is slowly following in her footsteps. She's extremely attached to me and she likes to know mommy is near when she is falling asleep. Most cases if I am around she wants to know she can feel me as she passes out. I know, I know, this doesn't seem good. In fact sometimes it's just frustrating. She hardly naps unless I am around. She hates to miss what's going on! But the thing is this. I have talked with several doctors and councilors. (Yes, I have seen a few councilors since Ryan has decided he wants nothing to do with Izzy, because that tore me up.) But they all say the same thing. Izzy is so attached to me because she doesn't feel the presence of her daddy in her life. If Ryan was around at all, she be a little more secure because she'd just "know." They aren't sure at this stage how much babies can comprehend, but they do know that if the absence of a parent makes the baby a little more clingy to the one parent they do have left. Izzy is smart and she knows. She also knows if the man that is around, holding her is a dad himself. Ironic hu? She always feels safe with other men that are dads but the men that aren't she picks up on it immediately and starts to cry. And no sooner is she back in my arms, she starts smiling and cooing again. Now plain and simple she is very, very picky about the women she lets hold her. LOL! I've noticed she goes to all my really good friends very easily, because like me, most of them are carefree and go with what life hands you. She has a very good sense of a person. She can tell when you are afraid. She is very sensitive to others around her! Though she sure loved the 3 puppies we picked up yesterday! When the little black one jumped on her lap she just got wide eyed! LOL! Alexis and Mikey on the other hand were a lil afraid.

I guess it's just sad that Isabella will never know her other sister. I don't even know if I should tell her she has one to be honest.

I had a very sad dream last night. Izzy was around 2 1/2 and we ran into Ryan. She recognized him from one pic she kept of her "daddy" on her night stand. She looked up at him and said "dadda?" As if to question him. Before I could say anything he bent down and said "yes, Izzy I am your daddy" What was he thinking I remember wondering in my dream. Well, I won't go into detail because it is very sad but in the end, I took my little Izzy away crying. She kept saying, "mommy go, daddy no love me." over and over. When Ryan tried to talk to her she just kept saying "Go way, you no love me." I woke up to the sounds of her stirring. She too must have been having a not so great dream. She kept moving her head from side to side and fighting in her sleep. I leaned over and calmly told her it's "OK, mommy's here." She opened her eyes, groggily and smiled. I just stoked her lil cheeks and and we talked quietly for a bit. I didn't realize I had been crying in my sleep until I went to get up to go the bathroom and the pillow was wet from my tears. So I wiped my eyes and sure enough I had been crying.

I still will never be able to fathom how a father, can love one child and not ever want to see the other one again? It'll always be beyond my comprehension. When I talked to a good friend today (of 6 years) I realized that while I truly had let Ryan go I will never understand the abandonment. I pray that when Izzy finally meets her father, it is not like that of my dream. But what am I supposed to say to her when she asks where he is? I can't lie. And yet the truth would tear her apart. I guess for now all I can think to say is, I don't know where he is. Hopefully that will be enough for her. I will tell her he knows about her, but that he hasn't seen her since she was almost 3 months old. That the last time he held her was for her passport photo. Mike and Alexis ask where Ryan went to and why they can't play with Jadyn. I have nothing to say. So I say we won't see them. Then I change the subject. For a while Alexis had a lot of anger in her. She went around telling people "Ryan's a jerk." When I told her not to say that (it will eventually affect Izzy if she hears that stuff), she said "why, he's a jerk to you, mommy. He always makes you cry and doesn't want Izzy." Well that's the truth, but I tell her, "Lexi, sometimes people just aren't nice. Ryan chose not to be nice to mommy or Izzy. But please don't talk like that K. He is Izzy's dad.)

I guess all I can say, is I hope Izzy has her own personality. I pray she has a kindness, a sweetness and a gentleness about her. That she tells the truth and won't lie. I just hope I can raise her right. But, It'll always sadden me that Ryan willfully has chosen to abandon this joy, this blessing and this precious beautiful baby girl of his! After all, the paternity test that came back said she's 99.9999% his! What more proof does he want?

Oh well. Maybe in time, she'll have a dad who will love her. But I just hope that if she ever meets Jadyn, she doesn't hate her, for him choosing her over Izzy.

That's my Saturday afternoon thoughts while feeding her!

Mystified,

Bri

Simplicity

Hi All! I Hope this finds you well! So anyhow, life. . . . Geez!

Let's just say as of now, God is really stretching me! I now have no car, and no means to fix the car. It's going to cost another 2 grand. So in all I have spent close to 18,000 on a used car. . . That just keeps breaking! am finally out of money.

I'm also trying to raise Izzy on my own and well there's no money to help with that either.

So, God, I have maybe a few pennies to my name if that, and 3 kids to raise. As of now, I may have to withdraw from School. Life has gone from Great to a nightmare in less than 2 days.

Yet there has to be a reason. So I will continue to praise His name! God, may Your glory still shine in my life!

In Wonder of it all,

Bri

Still Smiling Beyond the Pain

This past week I truly thought there was absolutely no more surprises that would happen that would shock me. When you think you’ve hit bottom, there’s always lower, trust me, I now know! After some of the things I have encountered this past week, I realized that the one thing that can and always makes me smile is the baby. Her smile just brightens my whole day! And tonight as she was crying, looking deep into my eyes almost searching them for safety, she found a peace and a love and would not look away! She had that look that said please don’t abandon me mom. She knows I’m it. She doesn’t know what a dad is. So, as she held my finger with her tiny hand I whispered to her, Baby Bella, Mommy will NEVER leave you! I love you so much, you are my lil sunshine! She quieted right down and I began to sing her favorite song, Oh be Careful Little Eye What You See. She cooed and started to smile! Then I sang her the song I just recently wrote for her! MY Beautiful Baby Bella! So, any how, that's the life these days.

Yes, I have seen a point this past week where I should hate life and just be this angry person inside, hateful and full of spite. And yet I still smile because I have this joy that tells me everything is about to change and it's going to be more than OK! That what I thought was good is no where near what God is about to bless me with! MAybe I was way to trusting and naive! That's what I am being told these days! But you know what? At the end of the day when I fall asleep and look over to see that precious baby girl laying there with a smile on her face, I really didn't loose anything! I won! And she's my blessing! God knew how hard these days were going to be on me and yet with her here, nothing that I've encountered has completely torn me apart or shocked me. It has shocked some of the people that do know, and they all shale their heads, but to me, it seems that somehow, it'll work out and be OK!

So with that I must go!

Take Care all!

Still Smiling Beyond the Pain!

Bri

Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms & dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.


If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

WHEN YOU STOP LAUGHING --
SEND IT ON TO OTHER MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, AUNTS and anyone else who has anything to do with kids or just needs a good laugh!!