reaization

Today was just one of those days. Today I woke up sad as you would've guessed if you read the blog prior to this one! Then a little later, I realized how much like Jadyn Isabella is. Then I finally took Izzy and we went out for the afternoon. (the kids went back to the old house with grandpa to mow the lawn and ride bikes) So my mom let me take her car so I could get out of the house! While the lake house is great, sometimes it's great to get away! Though it's always interesting when you see a sail boat capsize or a boat full of drunk people come back into port going backwards. LOL! But anyhow it was good to get out and away.

I was able to really clear my head. And I realized something. As I looked at my lil baby girl and as many people stopped me to say how beautiful and cute she was I really thought about everything. I wanted to be angry and mad about everything. After all I have a right to. But for some reason, knowing everything, I'm no longer angry. No matter what, I can't make Ryan love his daughter, so today or maybe this evening something inside of me just gave up! I gave hoping that he'd someday come around. I guess it'll just take time to forget now. And soon it'll be hard to remember anything.

The truth is, I started to date a guy again. But after a sonics game, I just didn't see it going anywhere. And I just couldn't do it anymore. After all the time wasted with Ryan and all back and forth, I realized that I didn't want to waste anymore time with a guy that I knew I couldn't marry. So I told him I could never have those feelings for him and I was sorry. I was OK with being friends but that is it. So things were OK for a week and then he started to tell me he missed me, etc. Well, the thing is I know what my worth is, and he was a waste of my time. I didn't care how much he made or his occupation. Sure we would've been set for life, but you know what? I'd rather be poor and happy! finally after a 2AM text the other night I'd had it. I told him to play games with other women, because I was not interested in it. I no longer will take a 2AM call from guys. It's ridiculous. Any guy that has a respect for a woman isn't going to be calling or texting that late. I just stopped picking up the phone. A few guys have done this in the past month and once I go to bed, I will not pick up the phone. It's time for self respect. I have kids and school and a life. And the guys that I talk to and am friends with, the real men don't call me in the wee hours of the morning! So that is that. I haven't heard from him since.

So, somewhere along the way, with the whole Ryan thing and everything else, I finally found myself and have enough respect for myself to not stick around guys. I am really not into the whole dating thing right now anyhow. Right now I am more focused on the kids, school and God. Well for now that my life. I have to run. I have church in the morning and have to go to sleep!

Good Night,

Bri