Baby Izzy, Abandoned

As I sit and look and baby Izzy, or Bella as we sometimes now call her, I see so much life in her. What's more, is I see so much of her sister Jadyn in her. Jadyn is Ryan's other daughter. But the two seem so far to be a lot alike. . . They both have the same smile (I think they must get that from their dad) and their personalities seem a lot a like. It's hard to explain unless you know Jadyn. But Baby Izzy, is slowly following in her footsteps. She's extremely attached to me and she likes to know mommy is near when she is falling asleep. Most cases if I am around she wants to know she can feel me as she passes out. I know, I know, this doesn't seem good. In fact sometimes it's just frustrating. She hardly naps unless I am around. She hates to miss what's going on! But the thing is this. I have talked with several doctors and councilors. (Yes, I have seen a few councilors since Ryan has decided he wants nothing to do with Izzy, because that tore me up.) But they all say the same thing. Izzy is so attached to me because she doesn't feel the presence of her daddy in her life. If Ryan was around at all, she be a little more secure because she'd just "know." They aren't sure at this stage how much babies can comprehend, but they do know that if the absence of a parent makes the baby a little more clingy to the one parent they do have left. Izzy is smart and she knows. She also knows if the man that is around, holding her is a dad himself. Ironic hu? She always feels safe with other men that are dads but the men that aren't she picks up on it immediately and starts to cry. And no sooner is she back in my arms, she starts smiling and cooing again. Now plain and simple she is very, very picky about the women she lets hold her. LOL! I've noticed she goes to all my really good friends very easily, because like me, most of them are carefree and go with what life hands you. She has a very good sense of a person. She can tell when you are afraid. She is very sensitive to others around her! Though she sure loved the 3 puppies we picked up yesterday! When the little black one jumped on her lap she just got wide eyed! LOL! Alexis and Mikey on the other hand were a lil afraid.

I guess it's just sad that Isabella will never know her other sister. I don't even know if I should tell her she has one to be honest.

I had a very sad dream last night. Izzy was around 2 1/2 and we ran into Ryan. She recognized him from one pic she kept of her "daddy" on her night stand. She looked up at him and said "dadda?" As if to question him. Before I could say anything he bent down and said "yes, Izzy I am your daddy" What was he thinking I remember wondering in my dream. Well, I won't go into detail because it is very sad but in the end, I took my little Izzy away crying. She kept saying, "mommy go, daddy no love me." over and over. When Ryan tried to talk to her she just kept saying "Go way, you no love me." I woke up to the sounds of her stirring. She too must have been having a not so great dream. She kept moving her head from side to side and fighting in her sleep. I leaned over and calmly told her it's "OK, mommy's here." She opened her eyes, groggily and smiled. I just stoked her lil cheeks and and we talked quietly for a bit. I didn't realize I had been crying in my sleep until I went to get up to go the bathroom and the pillow was wet from my tears. So I wiped my eyes and sure enough I had been crying.

I still will never be able to fathom how a father, can love one child and not ever want to see the other one again? It'll always be beyond my comprehension. When I talked to a good friend today (of 6 years) I realized that while I truly had let Ryan go I will never understand the abandonment. I pray that when Izzy finally meets her father, it is not like that of my dream. But what am I supposed to say to her when she asks where he is? I can't lie. And yet the truth would tear her apart. I guess for now all I can think to say is, I don't know where he is. Hopefully that will be enough for her. I will tell her he knows about her, but that he hasn't seen her since she was almost 3 months old. That the last time he held her was for her passport photo. Mike and Alexis ask where Ryan went to and why they can't play with Jadyn. I have nothing to say. So I say we won't see them. Then I change the subject. For a while Alexis had a lot of anger in her. She went around telling people "Ryan's a jerk." When I told her not to say that (it will eventually affect Izzy if she hears that stuff), she said "why, he's a jerk to you, mommy. He always makes you cry and doesn't want Izzy." Well that's the truth, but I tell her, "Lexi, sometimes people just aren't nice. Ryan chose not to be nice to mommy or Izzy. But please don't talk like that K. He is Izzy's dad.)

I guess all I can say, is I hope Izzy has her own personality. I pray she has a kindness, a sweetness and a gentleness about her. That she tells the truth and won't lie. I just hope I can raise her right. But, It'll always sadden me that Ryan willfully has chosen to abandon this joy, this blessing and this precious beautiful baby girl of his! After all, the paternity test that came back said she's 99.9999% his! What more proof does he want?

Oh well. Maybe in time, she'll have a dad who will love her. But I just hope that if she ever meets Jadyn, she doesn't hate her, for him choosing her over Izzy.

That's my Saturday afternoon thoughts while feeding her!

Mystified,

Bri