Nesting already? A revelation

Hi all! So, today I woke up with this instant urge to get everything in order and the house cleaned and ready for the baby! So, things are slowly falling into place!

This is the first summer I haven't attended classes or worked due to being a high risk pregnancy. So I have had the summer off to spend with the kids, but when they are here, it's hard to do what I really need to do, because most of the time, we are out and about doing fun things! But now that they are gone for the weekend, I feel this need to get things in order once again!

You see, when things sort of ended suddenly with Ry, I stopped caring about a lot of things. I mean I went through the motions of painting my son's new room and getting it set up, but my heart was not in it. But for some reason today as I was talking to God He told me I needed to get things in order again and I'd be happier. I'd feel proud again. And then this morning the baby was really moving and I felt his little acrobats and it filled me with joy and I wanted things in order again so that when it comes I will not be overwhelmed and I will be ready!

You see, I was told that this one has a huge potential of coming sooner than Alexis did since this is my 3rd and I am high risk. That means the beginning to mid November. Yikes! That is not too far off! I am praying that God holds it in me until it's Christmas due date! Oh OK, I'd rather have it Christmas Eve, so we can be home on Christmas! That's all I want for Christmas is my Christmas baby! I am so excited! It still seems so far away. Maybe it's because I still have to wait for the baby's sex! Then it'll seem closer even though that still means I have 20 more weeks! LOL! The past months have seemed to fly by now! At the time, I felt it dragged on, but now I see that it was just the opposite! How we wish life would speed up at times and then not realize how fast it goes, and then it flies by and we think, I wish I had done that, or I wish that I could've done something differently. Looking back we never realize what we were doing at the time. We don't realize the choices we are making at that time will affect our lives forever!

Have a great Saturday!

Back to cleaning!

A letter to all!

Time sure does fly, doesn't it? My son, Michael is 5 1/2 and is in every sport! Currently he is doing summer clinics with Baseball, Basketball, Soccer and private golf lessons. He's also in swimming, as we hope to head home to Hawaii someday! He will be starting Kindergarten this fall at Life Christian Academy, but is already ready books and doing math! I put him in Charles Wright Academy last year for pre-K because he needed something more than Preschool! It is an incredible private school! He is growing up to be such a great little boy and is always excited about something! Though he keeps me on my toes with his newest "ideas!" His newest phase is transformers of course! Michael also LOVES Starwars!

Alexis is now 3 1/2! My how she's grown! To look at her now, you'd never know she was a preemie and spent some time in the NICU! She tries to keep up with her brother and boy is she a talker! Though I couldn't have asked for a more girly girl! She loves her ballet and she loves wearing dresses and skirts! But everything has to match, from the ribbons in her hair to her panties and earrings! It's quite cute most days! Though she loves to play in the mud, right along with her brother, so I will be starting her in sports this fall! She too is in swimming and is loving it! Alexis is going into her second year of preschool, but after that she too will be put into Pre-K! Her newest phase is My little ponies and polly pocket size disney princess dolls!

Between the two I am quite busy! We try to go on family vacations once or twice a year! This year we went to Disneyland with some friends! The kids loved it! Next year I am hoping to take them back to Hawaii and we are meeting up with friends in California again!

So, what's new with me? Well, besides playing with the kids and enjoying the summer, I am still working on my Bachelor's. I am getting my BS in Biology as I'd still like to pursue Medical School. I mainly have the upper level science classes left. Also, I am 4 months pregnant with my 3rd! This is quite a surprise as well as definitely not planned! I have been in the hospital quite a bit with this one. I am high risk, but the baby seems to be very healthy as well as full of life in there! It LOVES to dance! Lately the kids and I listen to the classical station in the car and the baby really starts to move! How funny! I've recently seen pictures of it and it is getting so big! Even though this wasn't in the plans, I am so excited to have another little one again! Though, with the others potty trained and doing things on their own, it'll feel like I'm starting all over! I am scared about that! I have already fallen in love with my little bundle of joy and I know it'll be a blessing in all of our lives! We of course can't wait to find out the sex! It's daddy and I have yet to agree on a name, but my favorites are Isabella Joy Leilani and Malachi David! The daddy is a great man and a wonderful father! He really is amazing and my two love him to pieces! He has a little girl that is just adorable and just turned 4! Alexis calls her, her best friend! With the baby on the way, I am still trying to figure out how to juggle school full time, spend time with the kids and take care of this one! I am depending on God's supernatural strength to be a "super mommy!" I really want to raise it naturally if possible so I will try to keep it off formula, and make it's baby food like I did for the other 2! I just finished my last semester at NWU and made some lifelong friends there! I am heading to PLU where the stats are in the 90th percentile to get into med school! I really am enjoying school though and love learning! I think my favorite class was MicroBiology! So much to learn though!

I have to say the past year has definitely been exciting and challenging for me! God has really stretched me in ways I never wanted to be stretched! Let's just say, I've gone through the fire several times this past year; more so the past 7 months! God has brought me to a new church, Newsong City Central in Tacoma and it is so much like YWAM! I am loving being in God's presence again! There was a time not too long ago, I started to fall away from God and that is when I went through so much heartache, and life just didn't make sense any longer. This baby and losing the things and people I love has made me really come back to God! I am constantly in prayer now, more so than I've ever been in my entire life. I am constantly praying for what God lays on my heart. And I will be heading to the mountains to pray and just be alone with God for 3 or so days! It will be just me, God, my Bible, and a journal to write down everything. You see, I realized that I wanted God's divine blessing! But God has shown me that I give up too easily and give up right before He is about to give it to me! So this time I will wrestle with God, and I will hold on and not let go until He blesses me! I long to live only in His will again and walk with Him and sit in His presence! I have had the opportunity to go on mission trips and see the world and I long to live that life once again! I am training my children up in God so that they don't stray! So that they truly do the right thing and can hear God's voice! That's one thing I know of, is that I could hear the voice of God. He gave me the gift of prophecy back in 2000. But how I've walked away from my calling and it saddens me! I know that until I am back in God's complete will, he will not restore me to what He has called me to be. He will not give me any more gifts. I have repented for my sins great and small and God has assured me that they are washed away! God is so amazing, I have to say! And even if it's just the kids and I, God will be there with us! He has always come through financially as well! I've learned that when you have nothing to give and no money to give things, you give what you have and God will bless it!

Well my dear friends, yes this past year has not been a year that I would've dreamed of in a million years! I would never have dreamed of going through all the things I have gone through, but now because of it, I am a better mom, so involved in their lives, and am growing close to my loving and forgiving Savior once again! I would NEVER want to repeat this year in a million, but at the same time, I would never trade what I've gone through because I have come out a better person with a little miracle growing inside me!

The kids and I would love to hear from all of you! And some day, I hope to be able to travel to all of your homes! I'd love to know how all of you are doing and what your lives hold now! And of course, If any of you needs prayer, I'd love to pray for you! Trust me, I've gone through it all, so there's nothing I won't understand! And if you just want to talk, I am here to listen! I love you all so dearly! Please send me updates on your lives as well! I am so Glad God has placed you all in my life at some point!

May God's grace and peace abide with you and in your households! May you be able to experience the full love of God and may He richly bless your life! Keep your faith strong and remember, God is here to help us when we are confused in life! I learned that the hard way! I will NEVER walk away from Him again! Enjoy your summer's and talk to you all soon!

What will come of this?

Hi again! So, I was thinking . . . As much as I want to know what is to come, and what is in store for the future, it makes me wonder that if things don't work out how I want them to, will this bring me back to God and closer than I was before? Will all the pain, hurt, and love I've gone through with Ryan change my life forever? Some days and some times lately I feel closer to God now than I have in a long time, but I also have those times where I cry out to Him to change things. It's all I can do to think about him with someone else. I guess praying for him and lifting up to God the areas of his life that God leads me to pray about is way more useful because then I am not thinking about the things that make me cry.

I guess now I wait on God. Maybe it'll get better. As of now we aren't talking at all unless I tell him how the baby is doing. Even if we don't end up together in the long run, I still pray that he comes around to be a good father. Because I can't imagine telling his child that he didn't want it. I just wish we were a whole family again. But as everyone says, that's impossible. I guess it'll take a miracle!

Will this end?

Have you ever felt so low that there's nothing left you can do but pray? I don't mean just because you want something, but because you wake up and realize that what you were, what you thought you had, what your dreams were that you were chasing were all gone? I mean that when everything is taken from you and this is the point where you either give up and commit suicide or you turn to God and say your done, you can't go on and you have nothing left to give. Well, I hit that lately. Suicide was not even an option. I could never do that. But there came a point of denial, then hatred then blame of God, and finally emptiness, aloneness, and total isolation. Where'd I go wrong? I lay on my bed last week crying.

When you look at me I am really put together. On the outside, I am always smiling, and neatly dressed, groomed, etc. Sure I still get cat calls and men wanting to date me, even though I am pregnant. That's just what I've learned growing up. You stay hard, tuff, and put together even though your world is falling apart and you have nothing left. On the inside I was empty and so alone. I had no love whatsoever. I lie there crying wondering what real love felt like. I've loved before and still do, so I know what it's like to love but to truly be loved and feel it, I still wonder, will I ever get that. Then of course I am reminded that my children and family love me but that is not the love I speak of! It's not that that is not enough, but God put a deep desire within me to want to be a wife and have a real family.

I have to say I really hated the woman that tore Ryan and I apart. I really did. I've never hated anyone and I know God speaks against it, but dangit she ruined our family! I ask God why does she get to have the love of my life and my family? Silence. No answer. Is that how life works, I wonder? That you give someone your love, your everything and someone else gets them? I'm still not certain. But I knew I could not continue to be empty. I had to do something because I still needed to be a good mom.

So Wednesday morning, the 4th of July, God says to me quietly. Pray. Write in a Journal all your thoughts and prayers and pray! I did. I wrote and prayed all day! That night I told God I was done with this life and I refused to go back to it! I would grab a hold of Him and wrestle and not let go until He blessed me! I know Jacob did and God blessed him. I realized that I always gave up too easily. I always let go right before the blessing! I was not going to do that, this time. I needed to get away and get away now! God told me to go to the Mountains and pray for 3 days and He will speak to me. For the first time since 98' I confessed all my sins that I knew I had. I realized that I cannot go on, I cannot get blessed, my prayers won't get blessed with all that sin in my life! I realized that after I lost Jon's friendship 2 years ago, I stopped caring. I didn't care about men and turned my emotions off. I lost the first real love of my life and I blamed God for it. Yes, I had sex with some men, but I turned my emotions off and I no longer cared. Sex was just sex. That was it, no emotion ties, no strings, nothing. I guess to men, I was a dream! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I went and did that with a ton of men, but I'd go out drinking with a guy, usually a guy I was dating and have sex and walk away and never look back. It was stupid, but I wanted just for those moments to feel close to someone again. It was different with Ryan. I waited. I waited until I fell in love with him. I don't know why, but I did. And for the first time, sex had meaning! For the first time in my life, when I had sex, I gave myself completely to the man, knowing I didn't want to walk away, but I really loved him! I knew he loved me as well. It was wrong in God's eyes, I know. And yes, a miracle, our baby came of it! Do I regret having sex before marriage. I do. With the other men I didn't love or care about. Do I regret having sex with Ryan? I should, but I don't. For the first time and maybe the only time in my life, I knew why God really made sex! When you give yourself completely to someone and they to you, you become one! I regret that we weren't married, but I will never regret giving myself to him. Well, maybe I will if I ever get remarried.

So anyhow, I confessed everything. Then God said now, now is the time to pray for Ryan and to give him completely to God, because I can't do anything else. He was taken from me. We were going to talk but as I was praying, God told me to postpone it until He released me to. He said Ryan was not ready yet to receive it or talk the way we need to! I may have lost Ryan forever. I hope not, after-all he is the love of my life, and the father of my baby, but now it'll take a miracle!

So now, I wait on God and I want to be changed. I need life in me again! I need to feel alive and free and happy. I don't want to go through the motions any longer! I am told to continue to date at least this summer, and just get on with life. How does one just get on with life? I mean I know every second of every day that I am pregnant! And I still pray it's a boy! I still pray that Ryan comes around. If not for me for the children. For his child. My son sat on the couch the other day talking to me about how much he loved Ryan, and wanted to pray that God brought him back to us! He said he misses him as a daddy! He had tears in his eyes and fell asleep crying that night! I didn't want to see my son in as much pain as I am! Alexis too will start crying for what we think is no reason, then when I calm her down she will say she misses "daddy Ryan" and Jadyn. (his daughter) They both tell me how much they love them and that Jadyn is their best friend. My heart breaks for them! I use to tell them not to mention them because it hurt me so much just to hear their names, but my mom told me that I needed to let them talk about their feelings and emotions! So now I just sit and cry with them when they are sad. I told them it's OK to be sad.

So yes, I want to move on, and if it is to be with them, it'll all be up to God, now! I can't do anything anymore. I'm not up for anymore serious relationships right now, but I will still be friends with the guys! Now is a time to focus on God, the kids, getting ready for this baby and school. Am I held together on the outside? Yes! Am I scared inside! You bet! I know I have two other children, but it's been so long since I've given birth or had a baby that I am terrified. I am a single mom this time with no income so it's going to be tuff. I am planning on using cloth diapers and wipes, etc. I just can't afford it all and I gave away almost everything, thinking I was done! I have no idea how I am going to make it all work. How I am going to take care of a baby, still have time for the other two and go to school! I am going to have to rely on God's supernatural strength! I have none left and will be exhausted! So, I will be heading to the mountains soon, when my ex has the kids to pray! I will spend 3 days with God and God alone. I will wrestle with Him until He finally blesses me!

Those who know, really know me, know what I've been going through. They haven't judged me. I think that is the downfall of family. They judge you, because they see you as a mess up, a failure. They laugh at you and say what a mess now! And they say are you ever going to do something with your life. Trust me, I have a LOT of critics! I guess that's what happens when you were a "good child" and you once walked closely with God. When you fall away they are the first to point out all your faults and failures and they see you as a joke. I am constantly reminded of this when I am told I am nothing but a disappointment. That because I haven't finished my education, etc, that I am just a flake. I am told that my siblings won't even talk to me because they see me as a failure. What do you do, when the people, the one person you looked up to turns their back on you, just because their lives are put together? Do I really have to get my doctorate to me taken seriously? Like I said, I am empty. Incomplete. There has to be more to life than pain, hurt, a broken heart and being a disappointment to those who mean the most to you! There just has to be! If it's not Ryan, I beg God to bring me a husband that will love me and the kids as much as we love him! When will God see our tears, feel our pain and heal the wounds? When will He bless us?

All thoughts I leave with you today!

In tears,

Bri

A Choice Between 2

I have a question and I was wondering what you all thought?

Ryan wants to name the baby (if it's a boy) Mason James, and I want Malachi David. Most people tell me to go with the second because Ryan now wants nothing to do with the baby or I. Do I talk to him and we compromise on something if it's a boy? Or would you choose one name over the other?

Let me know.

Thanks!

The verdict is in

Hi! The last few days have been extremely tough. On Tuesday I went out on a "first date" again. As I was getting ready, I thought, geez I don't want to do this any longer. I just wish God would change Ryan's heart and he'd come back. I had tears in my eyes as I got "pretty" for this new man I'd never met. I realized I only wanted to be getting ready for Ryan. And then yesterday, I was helping my daughter clean her room and I just started crying, because I missed Ryan so much, so then my daughter said momma, do you miss Ryan and Jadyn? (His daughter) I said yes and she said she did too. Then we went to the waterfront and the kids played at the "beach." This brought more tears (thank God I had sunglasses on to hide them), as that's where Ryan and I went on our second Date. I finally came home and put the kids down for a nap and then when Alexis woke she cried for a good hour. When I was able to settle her down she said she really missed Jadyn. I am not the only one taking it hard. The kids talk about them constantly to everyone. People who are upset with the situation get upset. But I have to remind them that those two were a huge part of our lives and we were supposed to spend our lives with them. There are days when it's easier and days when I cry and the pain is fresh. People may wonder and think, why don't you get over him, why do you care? Well, if you haven't heard it from the grapevine yet, I am pregnant. It wasn't planned and yes I've prayed to God daily over this. I am at a loss as to what to do. I pray God will bring Ryan back to the baby and I and we will be a family again. I am due Christmas! How Ironic, hu? Yes, the names have been chosen. Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl and we'll call her Izzy and Malachi David for a boy and we'll call him Kai. So, if any of you are in the praying mood, just pray God works things out. I don't want the kids to be without a daddy any longer and I long for a great husband, and man of God! If it's not Ryan, I pray God brings one quickly! So, yes, the road has been tough. Until now, Only my family and best friends know. But as gossip spreads and the word leaks out, I figured now that I am in the clear for not having a miscarriage, I will say. Yes, the doctors believe that there were 2 and I miscarried one. There is an empty spot on the ultrasound where they said a baby should have been. It was joined so they said it may have been Identical. I guess I'll never know. Yes, I did bleed a lot and that is what initially put me in the hospital last Thursday! But the baby that remains is healthy and strong and they said it's going to make it! Though I am still a very high risk. So, if any of you have advice or words of encouragement please do share. I feel so alone. I know God is here somewhere but I feel as if He has more important things to tend to than my broken heart or tears that won't stop!

Yes, I am still pursuing my Bachelor's. I will not give up my education. I need to support these three babies. I have asked God for His divine mercy, Grace and forgiveness. I need good friends that will stand with me and not criticize and people who will support me now. I've given so much to so many others that now I feel empty and incomplete and drained. It will be hard being a single mom of 3 and not being allowed to work. I honestly have no idea how I will make ends meet. I am going to do clothe diapers and wipes and try everything I can to save money. But I know there will be times such as now that I have only pennies to my name if that and I will have to trust that God provides!

Yes, some look at this as a mistake and a punishment but God has blessed me with a miracle and gift of life! Back in March I was told I had 6 months to conceive or I would be sterile. Well, God heard my cries. So yes, while Ryan has chosen to abandon me and his new baby, God has still blessed me and I will have to trust that God knows what He's doing. My only fear is, if it's not Ryan, will God really bring me a man that accepts I have 2 and am pregnant? Will he be able to love all of us? It's going to be a miracle! Well, those are some thoughts.

A lesson in real life

A lesson in real life

Hi! So, it's been a while since I've been excited about life, but let me tell ya, when you need a wake up call, God somehow puts your life on hold until He gets your attention! I knew that God has been talking to me lately but I still wanted to live life my way. Well sometimes our way isn't exactly God's way.

You see, I had made some pretty stupid mistakes the past 4 months. Some life altering mistakes. Little did I know, God was not as happy with my decisions as I wanted Him to be. Well, I mean I knew I disappointed Him, but He's God, He'd get over it right? Well, sure, but what I wanted for my life was NOT what God wanted. You see for the first time in a long time I didn't ask God if Ryan was the man He had chosen for me. You see I was finally doing all the right things and in His will, not even looking for a guy, and Ryan found me so I thought this must be God. Usually I test it and then God gives me a peace or a NO! I had some reservations sure, but I was swept off my feet by him. He said and did all the right things to begin with. He even said he wanted to do missions with me after I got my degree. He was very "supportive." That was until I started asking him tough questions. By the time I realized He was not what I wanted, not the godly man I thought he was it was a little too late. The mistakes were done. So, I decided to love him despite everything. I really thought I did too. The thing is, I loved him with Christ's love because after being in that hospital for the past 3 days solid (I will explain), I knew that no human could possibly go through what he put me through and still love him let alone like him. But to this day, I will not say anything bad about him. I won't say what I've gone through, because I am not going to tear apart who he is. That is not for me to do. I can only love and pray for him. I realized that I still only loved one man. He was a man of the past, but the difference is, he never tried to change me, in fact he respected me and loved who I was and even supported me. So, needless to say the past 4 months have been a pretty much heaven and hell at the same time. I never knew if he was coming or going. And yet my heart still ached because I knew he had potential. I saw who he was once.

So, Thursday morning I went to the hospital. I went to St. Joe's because I didn't feel like TG treated me well last time I went. I was written off. I had such a severe pain that it made me cry. I just wanted to know what it was and get home that afternoon to my children. God had other plans. I was admitted for the pain as they thought it was my appendix. I just wanted to go home. I don't conciously remember staying at any hospital over night other that giving birth. I hated it. I just wanted to hold my kids at night and be home. But God had other plans. He talked to me that day and night. I asked for His forgiveness and wanted to start over. God said that He had not placed a calling in me just to ignore it. And He would remove anyone and anything that got in the way. So Ryan had to go. I didn't realize that while dating Ryan, I strayed further and further from God. I didn't even know how to get back to Him at the time and when things went bad I stopped trusting God. I actually blamed Him. I was so angry with God and I let Him know it! I didn't understand how my family could be torn apart. The thing is Ryan and I were doing great until his ex (whom he thinks he still loves) called him. He decided he never wanted to see me again. 3 days earlier he was talking about marriage. Talk about pain, hurt and confusion! So yes, I blamed God for allowing her to ruin our lives together. But God knew I needed to find me again. It's ironic really. When a person "loves" or thinks they love someone so much they do anything for them. They change their looks (he got me to even dye my hair brown, something I hated, but did for him), their lifestyles and even their thoughts and dreams for this person. They become a "model" and in return loose who they really are. They slowly stop loving life the way they use to and all their dreams and hopes seem to not matter as much until one day they are completely dead. Looking in the mirror that Thursday night I cried. I was hooked up to IV's and I looked horrible! Not just physically but emotionally and mentally I knew I was not the woman I once was back in December. Where did that woman disappear to, I wondered? As I stood there with my legs shaking holding on to the sink (I could barely stand because of the Morphine and Phenergan), I cried. Then I heard a knock on the door and the nurse had asked me if I was ok. I pulled myself together, dried my eyes for a few moments and mustered up a yes, I'll be right out. I came to the door with a half smile on my face. That's all could muster. She said I needed to rest. But I just wanted to cry. Cry over everything that had truly happened, cry over what I'd lost, cry over losing the love of my life, cry over losing myself and my dreams and most of all cry because I failed God yet again. So, I did. Somewhere in the midst of it, God whispered now is the time to follow your calling. He told me that it will be difficult, but not to be distracted again because only in time will He give me the right man and I will KNOW! I told God I wanted to be done with school and I gave up med school back in January when I met Ryan. He said I may have given it up, but He did not. Then I argued, with kids, and my age it would be nearly impossible. God responded with nearly impossible yes, impossible, no! He will give me the strength when I want to give up and just pull my hair out! People aruge that I am foolish and what if it never happens. Then I can say I tried. I didn't give up. That's what happened when I dated Ryan. I gave up. Not just my dreams, but slowly who I was. I don't even know how or when it happened. It just did.

So, now I start over. Yes, I have made some decisions that will affect and change the rest of my life. But what we as humans see as mistakes, God sees as miracles and blessings! Life is a lesson. It's not an easy one by any means. Whoever said life was going to be easy missed the first day in God's school! Whoever said that love never hurts didn't know how to love when you aren't loved in return. And whoever said it's better to love and lost than never loved at all, well apparently either they are high, or they really didn't love or they love feeling the pain. Personally, I think it's better to not have loved than to have lost someone you did love. Because the pain, the brokenness, the agony, the hurt, the endless tears, the sleepless nights, and effects it has on more than just your life are too much to go through. It can ruin a person's spirit. It can break them completely. And let me tell you, that unless you have God, who keeps calling to you and doesn't give up on you, it's going to be a long lonely, sad road of gloom and darkness. He shows you the beauty in everyone and everything.

I questioned God why He let me love Ryan so deeply that even when he hurt me, then came back and then hurt me over and over and over again, and why did I still not find fault in him yet defend him and continue to love him knowing all his faults, knowing all the pain I would endure. Then God spoke and said, I have given you My heart my child. You have the love for Ryan that I have for My people. I love them despite their idols, despite them turning their backs on me, despite them hurting me time and again. I see their faults and see their way of adulteress and I still call to them. I see past their past and their sin and I love them regardless and I will NOT speak bad about my children. I will continue to love them. I asked God that if He wanted to give me His heart and His eyes for the people from now on to just tell me. But, God has to use us, we can't understand fully until we see, feel and taste the pain. The human pain. I know now God was using this and gave me a love for Ryan that I on my own could never have had. Any woman or man for that matter would've written the pain he caused after the first time. Yet, I endure it. And yes, I still pray God changes his heart and touches his life! I know he is suffering and I can see it in his eyes. I sense it in his spirit. So, I get on my knees and pray for him, because he is so very lost. He too needs God, just as I do and we all do!

So yes, God spoke to me when I was in the hospital for 3 days. For 2 of those days I was not allowed even a drop of water to quench my thirst or sooth my throat. Nothing shall pass through my lips were the orders. Then when I was finally allowed some food, it didn't want to agree with me so yet again for another day, not even a drop was allowed to pass my lips. I begged for even one ice chip. But was denied. How dry I felt. My voice went hoarse, my throat swelled, and I was in agony. My vein in my right arm got infected so they removed the needle and started a new line in my left which it too got infected. I begged for them to take it out or start a new one. But the doctor said it was not worth it, he said he wanted me to go home. (Mind you I am now switching doctors) So they put hot packs on it to relieve the pain but oh how it burned and started to swell. Then my shoulder started to go numb and my finger tingled and I begged them to take it out. Not even the Morphine would touch the pain. Finally, they took it out. Let me say, I have NEVER touched drugs, but I can only imagine what a recovering drugging feels like. Both of my arms or in pain and are still burning and bruised at the site. My left arm actually pops when I move my arm past a 90 degree angle or pick something up! It feels like my vein is going to rip! So, though I am home recovering, it's hard to fully get back into the swing of things when the pain still exists and my arms are swollen!

But within all of that hunger and thirst and pain God was teaching me things that I would've never known before. Can I say I want to repeat these past 4 months? Not on anyone's life! Would I ever wish someone go through what I did and am still dealing with? Never. But I know there is good in all of us. It just takes God to pull it out! Thank God, He caught me in time!

Sorry this is so long, but alas it's a hard lesson to learn.