Friday, July 20, 2007
Conversation
Hi! So, I finally talked to Ryan. He finally called me back at 5. We talked about the bad stuff and then of course the baby being OK! I think we were both very relieved to have a healthy baby! He said his day has been long, and I bet it has been! I hope he has a wonderful 30th! But it must suck to play golf in the rain. Apparently they had 2 tournaments today! So, we talked about the next appt. and I really hope he can come! It's when we find out the sex of the baby amongst other things! I told him I'd rearrange things if he needed me to! So anyhow, we had what I thought was a pleasant conversation! Maybe we'll be friends after-all. I'd like that considering he is the dad of our child! Until then, I will pray!
Miracle!
It's me again! Thanks to all your prayers God does still provide miracles! It turns out it WAS a false positive! The last test came back normal! I think it's God's healing touch! Because of previous complications, they said that could've made the first one positive. But it was only a few days later that I did the second test, so I trust that God did provide a miracle and it was HIS healing hand!
I know that this baby is going to be an amazing child! It will be such a blessing to all, especially to it's dad and I! Even if this child did have problems and the tests were positive I know that God does all things for a reason! But I also know that God has His hand on this baby's life!
When I found out the news, I was overwhelmed with joy! I was SO happy that it was going to be OK! Then I felt guilty because last night as I lie there wide awake crying, I thought, I do want a healthy child! I want to teach it so many things and take it camping! I want it to be able to learn how to play sports and have it's daddy and I teach it and pass our love for sports onto it! I wanted it to be able to run and skip and crawl! I wanted so much to be able to take it on the family vacations and have all of us be able to do things together! I didn't care if we had to park blocks away instead of up close because we'd have a handicap sticker, but I really wanted it to be able to walk and play with it's siblings! So, when I thought, Thank God, my baby is going to be healthy, I felt guilty! I would have loved it just the same, but I so much wanted a healthy child so that even when we traveled around the world it could come too!! Is that wrong?
Yes, I did not sleep. I called the doctor at 9:30AM to find out the results and they had just got in the lab tests. The waiting was agony. They said they'd call asap. I checked the phone every minute. Then at 11:30 I called back! The doctor was on lunch! I finally got the call at 1PM! She said it was normal! To stop worrying now! I sighed a breath of relief! She explained the whole thing! So, I called the baby's daddy, but he's out playing in a tournament. He's a pro golfer. I am so glad to be able to give him the good news on his birthday! I guess there is no better birthday gift I could've given him for his 30th than a healthy baby! LOL!
Well, again, thanks to all of you for praying for a miracle! God truly does hear our prayers when we come in agreement to Him! I will keep you all updated with our lives as time goes on!
I know that this baby is going to be an amazing child! It will be such a blessing to all, especially to it's dad and I! Even if this child did have problems and the tests were positive I know that God does all things for a reason! But I also know that God has His hand on this baby's life!
When I found out the news, I was overwhelmed with joy! I was SO happy that it was going to be OK! Then I felt guilty because last night as I lie there wide awake crying, I thought, I do want a healthy child! I want to teach it so many things and take it camping! I want it to be able to learn how to play sports and have it's daddy and I teach it and pass our love for sports onto it! I wanted it to be able to run and skip and crawl! I wanted so much to be able to take it on the family vacations and have all of us be able to do things together! I didn't care if we had to park blocks away instead of up close because we'd have a handicap sticker, but I really wanted it to be able to walk and play with it's siblings! So, when I thought, Thank God, my baby is going to be healthy, I felt guilty! I would have loved it just the same, but I so much wanted a healthy child so that even when we traveled around the world it could come too!! Is that wrong?
Yes, I did not sleep. I called the doctor at 9:30AM to find out the results and they had just got in the lab tests. The waiting was agony. They said they'd call asap. I checked the phone every minute. Then at 11:30 I called back! The doctor was on lunch! I finally got the call at 1PM! She said it was normal! To stop worrying now! I sighed a breath of relief! She explained the whole thing! So, I called the baby's daddy, but he's out playing in a tournament. He's a pro golfer. I am so glad to be able to give him the good news on his birthday! I guess there is no better birthday gift I could've given him for his 30th than a healthy baby! LOL!
Well, again, thanks to all of you for praying for a miracle! God truly does hear our prayers when we come in agreement to Him! I will keep you all updated with our lives as time goes on!
Stressed and still waiting!
Hi! So, I called the doctor this morning and still they didn't know or wouldn't tell me. That doesn't seem good! I am waiting in stress. I hate this. . . . The not knowing is so much worse than even knowing at this point. Why can't they just call? Do they not understand the stress this causes or the seriousness of it all?
The worse part it's Ryan's 30th birthday today! I didn't want this to happen, he doesn't deserve this. No matter what happened, no one deserves this stress on their birthday. . . It's his little baby!
Last night I could not sleep. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why? How come? Why us? It's not as if Ryan and I have struggles already. The worse part is that when this type of thing happens the couple is usually married so that at least they have each other for support. I won't lie, I do want a healthy child. I want a child who can do all the fun things and play sports. I want that miracle. Because I honestly don't know if I can do this alone. If Ryan and I were married it'd be way different.
Then I think, is this my punishment for having sex with him before we got married? But then why with him, would this happen? When God knew we wouldn't stay together? SO many questions. So many thoughts. Am I afraid? Yes! Am I scared that if things aren't normal that Ryan will reject his own child? YES! Am I afraid that I won't be able to get the surgery to help it if insurance doesn't pick up? Yes. At this point, if doing the surgery will help the baby even if puts my life at risk, I will do it. It deserves that chance!
So, now I sit and wait. . . Wringing my hands, sick to my stomach, tears in my eyes! I just want to be able to call Ryan with the great news! But I can't. Not when I sit and do not even know. I can't if there is no great news. I want to give him a good birthday, and at this point a healthy baby is the best present I can give him. . .
God do You hear my cries and see my tears?
Bri
The worse part it's Ryan's 30th birthday today! I didn't want this to happen, he doesn't deserve this. No matter what happened, no one deserves this stress on their birthday. . . It's his little baby!
Last night I could not sleep. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why? How come? Why us? It's not as if Ryan and I have struggles already. The worse part is that when this type of thing happens the couple is usually married so that at least they have each other for support. I won't lie, I do want a healthy child. I want a child who can do all the fun things and play sports. I want that miracle. Because I honestly don't know if I can do this alone. If Ryan and I were married it'd be way different.
Then I think, is this my punishment for having sex with him before we got married? But then why with him, would this happen? When God knew we wouldn't stay together? SO many questions. So many thoughts. Am I afraid? Yes! Am I scared that if things aren't normal that Ryan will reject his own child? YES! Am I afraid that I won't be able to get the surgery to help it if insurance doesn't pick up? Yes. At this point, if doing the surgery will help the baby even if puts my life at risk, I will do it. It deserves that chance!
So, now I sit and wait. . . Wringing my hands, sick to my stomach, tears in my eyes! I just want to be able to call Ryan with the great news! But I can't. Not when I sit and do not even know. I can't if there is no great news. I want to give him a good birthday, and at this point a healthy baby is the best present I can give him. . .
God do You hear my cries and see my tears?
Bri
Thursday, July 19, 2007
A New Found Joy!
I know such a short time and I am writing again! I wanted to let you all know that as of yesterday I found out my little bundle of joy that is due at Christmas has open spinal bifida. The news was shocking and of course I cried. I told the father of the baby to give him a heads up. I had to go back in for more testing yesterday. I am hoping it was a false positive. The nurse said that if the due date is off it could be. So they tried adjusting it, and did it again. However, when I talked with the lab tech she said there are only 1 in 1000 false positives which led me to more tears. I thought, my goodness, my life is about to change forever. I will of course have to change my career option or may not even be able to have a career. I was informed that if this test is also positive we will do an ultrasound for a 3rd proof of positive then the next step is in womb surgery. My insurance will not cover this and it is $35,000. or more. So, then we'd have to pray God provides the money through a miracle. There are only 3 hospitals in America advanced enough to do such a risky surgery. One is in California. That is the one, I'd most likely choose. What the surgery contains is the anesthesiologist puts both the baby and I under and then cuts open my stomach and removes the uterus. Then they drain the amniotic fluid and put it into a warmer to hold it where then it will be replaced after surgery. Once that is done the baby will be lifted partially out of the womb to do the surgery. Once it is done the baby is placed back in and they put the uterus back inside of me and sew me up. This can be dangerous but it has saved many babies from undergoing the severe problems it would have had the surgery not been done before birth!
So, today I took my daughter, Alexis with me to PLU to register as I need to try and get some classes done before the baby arrives. She was so adorable saying we can't step in the muddles, nope, nope, we can't! It brought laughter to me and joy once again. Muddle is a mud puddle! I realized that I still love this baby, and regardless of what is wrong, whether it be open spinal bifida, (the worst possible thing a person can have) or anything else, I will still love it just the same! It has been a hard road, and last night I got literally no sleep. I have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to what I put in my mouth, whether it me food or meds! Everything can affect this little one now. I called for the test results and still no answer. Usually that isn't a good sign. I just pray and hope that things will be OK. My biggest worry, use to be the sex of this baby! But God showed me what real worry is, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought this could be a possibility! I guess only 1 in 2000 babies are born with it. 95% of parents who find out their child has it, aborts them. This of course is not an option! If the results come back positive, I will love it just the same as I loved it before I knew it might spend it's life in a wheelchair with tons of other problems! It will still be God's gift to me and a miracle nontheless, because God doesn't make mistakes! Maybe this is to show the father and I God's ultimate hand in things and His power, whether He chooses to heal or not! Either way, I will not blame God and I will not turn my back on this child. I may go through this whole thing alone. But I will have the love of my children daily to remind me that God gives us love through our children, every single one, whether they can play sports or whether they need help sitting! This baby will no doubt change my life forever. But it will be in an amazing way! Yes, while I have fears and worries like every parent, I also trust in God. I may cry at night with worry about how to make it all work, but then I come back to trusting God. There are sometimes no real reasons why things happen or why things happen to us. I've learned we have to take it all, the good with the bad. And regardless of what happens, never ever turn our backs on these precious gifts. This baby will NOT be a burden rather it will teach me how to appreciate everything in life! I am not certain of anything anymore. In fact I wondered why God would give me this to carry. Then I was reminded God only gives us what He knows we can handle! Apparently God thinks the father and I can handle this! So, until I get those daunting test results back, I still remain hopeful. But alas, I will always remain faithful to God! So, I ask you all now, when you get a brief moment, please bow your head and pray. Pray for God's divine touch and His healing hand! But also pray that whatever God's will is, it be done! God surely knows what He is doing even when we don't! All I know is that even if it can't run or play sports or do all the normal things children can do, it'll still be "perfect" to me! This is my blessing from God! I will try to attach a picture of the baby when we do the ultrasound! But I will surely let you all know the final results! I love you all and you all have been a blessing to me!
Smiling in the midst of tears,
Brianne
So, today I took my daughter, Alexis with me to PLU to register as I need to try and get some classes done before the baby arrives. She was so adorable saying we can't step in the muddles, nope, nope, we can't! It brought laughter to me and joy once again. Muddle is a mud puddle! I realized that I still love this baby, and regardless of what is wrong, whether it be open spinal bifida, (the worst possible thing a person can have) or anything else, I will still love it just the same! It has been a hard road, and last night I got literally no sleep. I have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to what I put in my mouth, whether it me food or meds! Everything can affect this little one now. I called for the test results and still no answer. Usually that isn't a good sign. I just pray and hope that things will be OK. My biggest worry, use to be the sex of this baby! But God showed me what real worry is, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought this could be a possibility! I guess only 1 in 2000 babies are born with it. 95% of parents who find out their child has it, aborts them. This of course is not an option! If the results come back positive, I will love it just the same as I loved it before I knew it might spend it's life in a wheelchair with tons of other problems! It will still be God's gift to me and a miracle nontheless, because God doesn't make mistakes! Maybe this is to show the father and I God's ultimate hand in things and His power, whether He chooses to heal or not! Either way, I will not blame God and I will not turn my back on this child. I may go through this whole thing alone. But I will have the love of my children daily to remind me that God gives us love through our children, every single one, whether they can play sports or whether they need help sitting! This baby will no doubt change my life forever. But it will be in an amazing way! Yes, while I have fears and worries like every parent, I also trust in God. I may cry at night with worry about how to make it all work, but then I come back to trusting God. There are sometimes no real reasons why things happen or why things happen to us. I've learned we have to take it all, the good with the bad. And regardless of what happens, never ever turn our backs on these precious gifts. This baby will NOT be a burden rather it will teach me how to appreciate everything in life! I am not certain of anything anymore. In fact I wondered why God would give me this to carry. Then I was reminded God only gives us what He knows we can handle! Apparently God thinks the father and I can handle this! So, until I get those daunting test results back, I still remain hopeful. But alas, I will always remain faithful to God! So, I ask you all now, when you get a brief moment, please bow your head and pray. Pray for God's divine touch and His healing hand! But also pray that whatever God's will is, it be done! God surely knows what He is doing even when we don't! All I know is that even if it can't run or play sports or do all the normal things children can do, it'll still be "perfect" to me! This is my blessing from God! I will try to attach a picture of the baby when we do the ultrasound! But I will surely let you all know the final results! I love you all and you all have been a blessing to me!
Smiling in the midst of tears,
Brianne
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Aweful News! Please Pray!
Hi. I just found out the baby has open spinal bifida. What that is, it that the spinal cord is exposed and is very dangerous. I had more tests today, and we're just waiting now. If it comes back positive then they will have to do other tests and possibly in womb surgery. I am really scared as it could be paralyzed amongst other things. I wonder how much more God truly thinks I can handle on my own? I am praying for a miracle now. A miracle of all sorts of things.
Please keep the baby and I in your prayers. If this is the case my whole future will change, I will not be able to go back to school as this child will be more than a full time job. . .God, Where are You?
Please keep the baby and I in your prayers. If this is the case my whole future will change, I will not be able to go back to school as this child will be more than a full time job. . .God, Where are You?
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Random happiness and pain! Ouch!
Hi all! I found out that the baby is breech. So for those of you who have no idea what that means, he's sitting upright! Smart kid, gotta say, he doesn't want to hang around upside down! However, because he is that way I have started having severe back pain. The doc. said this is to be expected. They said it's useless to move it because there is too much room and he'll move right back to this position. They have to wait until I am around 7 months. sigh I hope this doesn't really last that long. Apparently he is pretty long, so he's going to have his daddy's genes because Ry is pretty tall.
So anyhow, the past two nights I've woken from the pain with tears in my eyes. Vicodin isn't coming close to touching the pain. This is NOT good! Tonight my front right started to hurt like it did when I was admitted to the hospital. If the pain continues I may not be able to move soon. So, if you have a brief moment, can you pray that God removes this pain please!
On a cuter note, I took pics of Alexis in Point Defiance's Flower Garden today! They are incredibly cute! I will post some as soon as I can! When I get Mike's haircut, we'll be doing some of him as well, but more or less near the water. Gotta make some of his manly! LOL!
When Mike has been playing basketball, Lexi and I have been doing different things lately! Yesterday we went to visit my Aunt Janet and cousin Faith! It was great to see them!
Well, I'm pretty exhausted now so I am going to go!
Good Night
So anyhow, the past two nights I've woken from the pain with tears in my eyes. Vicodin isn't coming close to touching the pain. This is NOT good! Tonight my front right started to hurt like it did when I was admitted to the hospital. If the pain continues I may not be able to move soon. So, if you have a brief moment, can you pray that God removes this pain please!
On a cuter note, I took pics of Alexis in Point Defiance's Flower Garden today! They are incredibly cute! I will post some as soon as I can! When I get Mike's haircut, we'll be doing some of him as well, but more or less near the water. Gotta make some of his manly! LOL!
When Mike has been playing basketball, Lexi and I have been doing different things lately! Yesterday we went to visit my Aunt Janet and cousin Faith! It was great to see them!
Well, I'm pretty exhausted now so I am going to go!
Good Night
Monday, July 16, 2007
Incredible Joy!
Hi all! Just thought I'd say how incredibly happy I am! I am not sure why, but for some reason, I am so happy and full of joy! I am so happy I have tears in my eyes! This must be a joy only God can give! I don't know why I am so happy, because given everything that has happened, I should be sad and full of remorse, but for now God has filled me with a joy and a happiness! So for now, have a wonderful day, and may God's happiness fill your lives as well!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
