Hi all! I hope this finds you all much better than I. I am still contracting but what's new right? So, tonight I realized something. Maybe it's all the hormones, or maybe it's me finally having my eyes wide open, but I realize how foolish I was to hope Ryan would ever come back or love me again. I was so stupid to think he'd ever want or love his daughter. I don't feel like going into details because it hurts way to much but I am done being 2nd, 3rd, or anything else! I deserve to be first in his life. Maybe someday he'll realize it. But by then, I because of all the pain and because he's NOT chosen me or his daughter I hope to be as far away as possible from here! Maybe David was really right. As much as I hate to even think that, he said Ry will never love me. Other women are too important to him and he made me feel so insignificant and stupid. I'd rather have Izzy on my own than having someone there who doesn't care. Her birth is going to be a very sad day for me. So many people say that I should give her up for adoption. I've never contemplated it. Not for a second. But is it really what would be best for her? Would giving her away to a a family where the father loves the mother and they are a real family what would be best? I can't imagine parting with my baby girl, but maybe I am being selfish. She deserves more than what I can give her alone. She deserves a father who wants to be there all the time. Because Ry has not chosen us, I don't know what to do. I want her to have a good life and not ever know her dad chose other women and the single life over us. I don't her to know that he didn't want her and that she was an inconvenience in his life. If I gave her up for adoption Ryan could get on with his life and never have to look back at what he thinks is the biggest mistake he's made. As the tears fill my eyes, I realize he sees me as a mistake. He thinks Izzy, his baby girl is a mistake. I now realize he wouldn't even be talking to me if I wasn't pregnant with his daughter. That really does break my heart. I thought things were good again until I realized I was being played and it was all a lie again. I give up. He can live his single life and I will no longer bug him. He chose to walk away from me the moment he walked out of that hospital and never bothered to answer his phone, his texts, or even ask how I was. I give up. So, now I have to pray and ask God what am I supposed to do with Izzy! If I keep her, I can't keep wishing Ry would come back to loving me. I give up. He wins. The other women win. I just hope they are worth it. Worth hurting me and in the long run her. I hope they are worth walking aways from us. I do love him, but I can't continue to cry every day! This doesn't mean I'll go back to David, but I realized that maybe he wasn't so stupid after-all and I was. I trusted him not to hurt me. But ultimately the only thing that mattered was his happiness. When a man texts another woman that she is beautiful when he is with you, well that shows where you stand with him. How stupid I felt. I guess the joke really is on me because he hasn't even told me that in 3 or so weeks. He won't even text me first! Yes, I am emotional being put on extra hormones and on strict bed rest. But I just can't do this any longer. I guess as I question all of this I know now that it really doesn't matter how much you love someone, they still will never love you back!
In Tears with a broken heart yet again,
Bri
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Will He Love Me?
Hi all! I decided to reread almost everything I had written on this site! Man I sure have gone through a lot! I believe now that I was trying to replace Ry with David. He was the rebound. I know I said I was over him but I am so crazy in love with him! Even through all the hurt and pain and knowing that we most likely will never end up together! I can only hope that that God will give me a miracle and that Ry come full circle to loving me again! Will it ever happen? We shall see! Until then I pray God works miracles!
Love you all!
Love you all!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Stopping Labor, Emotions at a High!
Hi all! I hope this finds you all better than I. Sunday morning I started having severe pain and contractions. I had to go into the hospital because my midwife said I needed to. I was so afraid. However, with Ryan being there with me made things so muc better! He made me feel as if everything was going to be OK.
They gave me a shot in the arm to stop the contractions that were putting me into labor. However when they gave me Phenergan to stop the nausea my body started spasming. It was the worse feeling or thing I'd ever gone through. I could not control any movements. I said I'd rather give birth and feel that pain any day. I felt as if it'd never end. I asked when the medicine would wear off and they said not for 6 hours! I was scared to be honest. I knew I could not physically handle that for 6 hours. My mom and sister were that at that point. My sister found it funny, and well Ryan didn't say much. The doctor said she was not going to give me anything else for fear of another reaction. I turned on my side and tried to sleep it off. It finally wore off and I was relieved. It didn't last 6 hours, thank God!
They finally left and Ryan stayed with me for a while. He watched sports while I slept, I think. My folks came back and brought a down comforter for him to sleep with. I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. He and I had a little dinner, and talked a bit. I of course was extremely emotional, from all the drugs and the pain and just everything, because I realized that I still loved him very deeply. And to know that he doesn't love me back still brings tears to my eyes. It hurts so deeply knowing I am not the only woman he choses to be with. I know that I upset him, but I hope he can see past everything and know that underneath it all I do care and love him, and that is the reason I am jealous of the other women he'd rather hang out with.
My parents finally came back and they took Ryan with them to get his car. I told Ryan he did NOT have to come back. I knew he could've done a million other things that day. I knew he'd rather be at home in his bed! I wanted him to be happy and do what he wants not what I want. I needed him there and yet, I also knew I wanted him there only if he wanted to be.
He did come back late that night. We talked briefly before he fell asleep. Neither of us slept too well. And in the morning he took a shower and told me to call him at 10:30 and left. The doctors and nurses did more tests before concluding that my contractions were back and strong. I was given a pill to help stop them. They said it was because I was stressed most likely. I was finally released and put under extreme bedrest orders. I am not aloud to get out of bed except to go the bathroom now. That will NOT happen. I already know that I will have to take care of the kids because I am NOT allowed to go to school. I am NOT happy about this. What am I supposed to do? Izzy will come and it's because I know that nothing will change. I know that I will NOT be allowed to be on bedrest even a little. And yes, I did call Ryan and but never talked to him. I realized he is still upset with me and that I probably blew it. I hate the silence. I am not going into it. I just don't understand it all. We were so happy not even a week ago! We were hanging out! He called ME to go hang out and do stuff! ME! Not another woman! He said everything was good between us. I was so happy! So what changed? I am still confused! : (
Is David really right? Will he never really choose me? Will he never really love me again? I want him to! I want him to choose me! I want to raise Izzy with him! I want us to be a happy family! I thought I was finally over things and I realized I'm just not. I may never be over loving him! He is the love of my life! I think not hearing from him today is what started the contractions again. Had I had to have given birth today, he would not have been there. He never answered his phone. I would've done it all alone and that made me cry! : (
Why do I feel like I am going to do this all alone?
People think it's so easy to have a baby on your own and to be a single parent. It's not! I'd rather be married any day! I'd rather be married to Ryan even if I had to wait for him than to be unhappy and alone! I love him for who he is, and I have never judged him! And that's all that should matter! I don't care what others say, it should be between 2 people and if they love each other that is enough! If he loved me back that would be enough!
Well I have to go lay down. I am confused and in pain! I am supposed to be on bedrest and well on that pill that stops the contractions but none of the pharmacies have it. So, I must try and relax! I must try not to cry again, even though I have a heavy feeling my heart is about to break again.
Saddened,
Bri
They gave me a shot in the arm to stop the contractions that were putting me into labor. However when they gave me Phenergan to stop the nausea my body started spasming. It was the worse feeling or thing I'd ever gone through. I could not control any movements. I said I'd rather give birth and feel that pain any day. I felt as if it'd never end. I asked when the medicine would wear off and they said not for 6 hours! I was scared to be honest. I knew I could not physically handle that for 6 hours. My mom and sister were that at that point. My sister found it funny, and well Ryan didn't say much. The doctor said she was not going to give me anything else for fear of another reaction. I turned on my side and tried to sleep it off. It finally wore off and I was relieved. It didn't last 6 hours, thank God!
They finally left and Ryan stayed with me for a while. He watched sports while I slept, I think. My folks came back and brought a down comforter for him to sleep with. I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. He and I had a little dinner, and talked a bit. I of course was extremely emotional, from all the drugs and the pain and just everything, because I realized that I still loved him very deeply. And to know that he doesn't love me back still brings tears to my eyes. It hurts so deeply knowing I am not the only woman he choses to be with. I know that I upset him, but I hope he can see past everything and know that underneath it all I do care and love him, and that is the reason I am jealous of the other women he'd rather hang out with.
My parents finally came back and they took Ryan with them to get his car. I told Ryan he did NOT have to come back. I knew he could've done a million other things that day. I knew he'd rather be at home in his bed! I wanted him to be happy and do what he wants not what I want. I needed him there and yet, I also knew I wanted him there only if he wanted to be.
He did come back late that night. We talked briefly before he fell asleep. Neither of us slept too well. And in the morning he took a shower and told me to call him at 10:30 and left. The doctors and nurses did more tests before concluding that my contractions were back and strong. I was given a pill to help stop them. They said it was because I was stressed most likely. I was finally released and put under extreme bedrest orders. I am not aloud to get out of bed except to go the bathroom now. That will NOT happen. I already know that I will have to take care of the kids because I am NOT allowed to go to school. I am NOT happy about this. What am I supposed to do? Izzy will come and it's because I know that nothing will change. I know that I will NOT be allowed to be on bedrest even a little. And yes, I did call Ryan and but never talked to him. I realized he is still upset with me and that I probably blew it. I hate the silence. I am not going into it. I just don't understand it all. We were so happy not even a week ago! We were hanging out! He called ME to go hang out and do stuff! ME! Not another woman! He said everything was good between us. I was so happy! So what changed? I am still confused! : (
Is David really right? Will he never really choose me? Will he never really love me again? I want him to! I want him to choose me! I want to raise Izzy with him! I want us to be a happy family! I thought I was finally over things and I realized I'm just not. I may never be over loving him! He is the love of my life! I think not hearing from him today is what started the contractions again. Had I had to have given birth today, he would not have been there. He never answered his phone. I would've done it all alone and that made me cry! : (
Why do I feel like I am going to do this all alone?
People think it's so easy to have a baby on your own and to be a single parent. It's not! I'd rather be married any day! I'd rather be married to Ryan even if I had to wait for him than to be unhappy and alone! I love him for who he is, and I have never judged him! And that's all that should matter! I don't care what others say, it should be between 2 people and if they love each other that is enough! If he loved me back that would be enough!
Well I have to go lay down. I am confused and in pain! I am supposed to be on bedrest and well on that pill that stops the contractions but none of the pharmacies have it. So, I must try and relax! I must try not to cry again, even though I have a heavy feeling my heart is about to break again.
Saddened,
Bri
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Such is Life
Hi All! Let's see. Life has definitely had it's ups and downs lately. Let's just say this is going to be a LONG semester! Sigh. . . I am so tired all the time so this isn't good.
As for Ryan and I, well I thought we were finally good friends again, but I knew that wouldn't last long. . . Life is what it is. I am tired of the going back and forth.
I am just ready to have Izzy and move on with life! Completely. I hate this. I hate the back and forth from Ryan. I hate how one minute he's talking to me and the next total silence! I deserve better than that! I will NOT raise Izzy like this. Either he's here or he's not.
Anyhow, that's life. Lame I know, but there's not much to tell.
I think God was meant for me to live life as a single person. It sux, because I really do want a husband eventually. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Oh well.
As for Ryan and I, well I thought we were finally good friends again, but I knew that wouldn't last long. . . Life is what it is. I am tired of the going back and forth.
I am just ready to have Izzy and move on with life! Completely. I hate this. I hate the back and forth from Ryan. I hate how one minute he's talking to me and the next total silence! I deserve better than that! I will NOT raise Izzy like this. Either he's here or he's not.
Anyhow, that's life. Lame I know, but there's not much to tell.
I think God was meant for me to live life as a single person. It sux, because I really do want a husband eventually. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Oh well.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
This Gal's Diary
OK, really last quick one! I am still writing the book! I promise to give you all the website soon! I just have to get to a point where I want to. A few people found it and said they love the story so far! LOL! I don't even know them!
More to come on this gal's diary!
More to come on this gal's diary!
25 Weeks & Counting! Yeah!
BTW, I am now 25 weeks! Every week is better than the last for Isabella's survival! Though now they said I have to start a kick chart. If I don't feel her move or kick 10 times in an hour, I am back in the hospital for a contraction stress test! Sigh! She'd better be active, because I am tired of going in! I want to deliver at St. Joe's for crying out loud! I want my midwife, Peggy to deliver! So, let's pray Izzy stays snug in her little home inside of me for now! I feel like I am getting so BIG! LOL! Everyone I meet says they wouldn't even know i was pregnant! But trust me, I know! I guess the older you get, the harder it is to be pregnant! When I was younger, it was so much easier! I feel like I am getting so old! LOL!
OK seriously, off to bed now! I just wanted to give you a baby update!
Love to all!
Bri
OK seriously, off to bed now! I just wanted to give you a baby update!
Love to all!
Bri
Mikey's first day of school & Life is GOOD!
Hi! Mikey's first day of school was great! We put him on the bus and then followed it to school so he'd know how to do it. Then we took him to the morning daycare that he'll be in before school once the bus arrives! It's more like an open gym and he plays basketball quite a bit! Then we walked him up to his classroom and took pictures and said goodbye. He missed his bus home because they forgot to put him on, but he seemed fine, because he was in after school care and seems to love it! He loves to play! When I went to pick him up, he loved it! He ran to me and jumped in my arms and gave me a kiss and said he missed me and loved me! : ) That made me so happy! I love my little boy and I miss that! Lately we've been spending a lot of special mommy, Mikey time together! We read a cool book about rocks and fossils I bought him everyday! One page of discovery a day is what we say! The past week or so, I've picked him up a few times from school because I couldn't get to his bus in time. Every time I do, he always runs up to me and jumps in my arms with kisses and I love yous! I am so glad to have my baby boy back! We sing and play together a lot more now!
Alexis too has had special mommy time! I guess meeting Ryan really helped me realize how much I was missing out on their lives and wanted to spend with them! I even arranged all my school schedules so that I could be with them and take them to their things. My only long day now is Wednesday where I am gone from 7-7. It makes for long days for me doing it this way, but I would rather have one long day than not see my kids at all like last year! : ) With Izzy on the way it makes me slow day all that much more anyhow! Well, I am beat and have to still read 3 chapters for Philosophy so I am gone for now! : ) I'll fall asleep reading most likely, but such is life!
I do love my life! And I am glad that Ryan is the only man in it right now! We are pretty close again! We are really starting to enjoy each other as friends! No we are not back together. We don't want to rush into anything again. But we are doing what we should've done the first time! We are being friends and seeing how that works first. I have school to focus on anyhow! But life is so less complicated now that there is no more David! LOL! As nice as it was to be pursued by someone else, I realized that it's not fair to him and that we lead to very different lifestyles! He's a good guy, but well, not for me. I'm a simple gal with family values and would rather live the relaxing life than a stressed out one that makes a ton of money! Give me a shack on the beach or a small cottage in he country any day! I love the quietness of the suburban life! I love to go to the city to do things but would rather live in the country!
Well good night all! Not so sure about life, but for now, I am loving it!
Dream very sweet dreams!
Bri
Alexis too has had special mommy time! I guess meeting Ryan really helped me realize how much I was missing out on their lives and wanted to spend with them! I even arranged all my school schedules so that I could be with them and take them to their things. My only long day now is Wednesday where I am gone from 7-7. It makes for long days for me doing it this way, but I would rather have one long day than not see my kids at all like last year! : ) With Izzy on the way it makes me slow day all that much more anyhow! Well, I am beat and have to still read 3 chapters for Philosophy so I am gone for now! : ) I'll fall asleep reading most likely, but such is life!
I do love my life! And I am glad that Ryan is the only man in it right now! We are pretty close again! We are really starting to enjoy each other as friends! No we are not back together. We don't want to rush into anything again. But we are doing what we should've done the first time! We are being friends and seeing how that works first. I have school to focus on anyhow! But life is so less complicated now that there is no more David! LOL! As nice as it was to be pursued by someone else, I realized that it's not fair to him and that we lead to very different lifestyles! He's a good guy, but well, not for me. I'm a simple gal with family values and would rather live the relaxing life than a stressed out one that makes a ton of money! Give me a shack on the beach or a small cottage in he country any day! I love the quietness of the suburban life! I love to go to the city to do things but would rather live in the country!
Well good night all! Not so sure about life, but for now, I am loving it!
Dream very sweet dreams!
Bri
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