When love dies, you're left empty inside

Hi all! I hope this finds you all much better than I. I am still contracting but what's new right? So, tonight I realized something. Maybe it's all the hormones, or maybe it's me finally having my eyes wide open, but I realize how foolish I was to hope Ryan would ever come back or love me again. I was so stupid to think he'd ever want or love his daughter. I don't feel like going into details because it hurts way to much but I am done being 2nd, 3rd, or anything else! I deserve to be first in his life. Maybe someday he'll realize it. But by then, I because of all the pain and because he's NOT chosen me or his daughter I hope to be as far away as possible from here! Maybe David was really right. As much as I hate to even think that, he said Ry will never love me. Other women are too important to him and he made me feel so insignificant and stupid. I'd rather have Izzy on my own than having someone there who doesn't care. Her birth is going to be a very sad day for me. So many people say that I should give her up for adoption. I've never contemplated it. Not for a second. But is it really what would be best for her? Would giving her away to a a family where the father loves the mother and they are a real family what would be best? I can't imagine parting with my baby girl, but maybe I am being selfish. She deserves more than what I can give her alone. She deserves a father who wants to be there all the time. Because Ry has not chosen us, I don't know what to do. I want her to have a good life and not ever know her dad chose other women and the single life over us. I don't her to know that he didn't want her and that she was an inconvenience in his life. If I gave her up for adoption Ryan could get on with his life and never have to look back at what he thinks is the biggest mistake he's made. As the tears fill my eyes, I realize he sees me as a mistake. He thinks Izzy, his baby girl is a mistake. I now realize he wouldn't even be talking to me if I wasn't pregnant with his daughter. That really does break my heart. I thought things were good again until I realized I was being played and it was all a lie again. I give up. He can live his single life and I will no longer bug him. He chose to walk away from me the moment he walked out of that hospital and never bothered to answer his phone, his texts, or even ask how I was. I give up. So, now I have to pray and ask God what am I supposed to do with Izzy! If I keep her, I can't keep wishing Ry would come back to loving me. I give up. He wins. The other women win. I just hope they are worth it. Worth hurting me and in the long run her. I hope they are worth walking aways from us. I do love him, but I can't continue to cry every day! This doesn't mean I'll go back to David, but I realized that maybe he wasn't so stupid after-all and I was. I trusted him not to hurt me. But ultimately the only thing that mattered was his happiness. When a man texts another woman that she is beautiful when he is with you, well that shows where you stand with him. How stupid I felt. I guess the joke really is on me because he hasn't even told me that in 3 or so weeks. He won't even text me first! Yes, I am emotional being put on extra hormones and on strict bed rest. But I just can't do this any longer. I guess as I question all of this I know now that it really doesn't matter how much you love someone, they still will never love you back!


In Tears with a broken heart yet again,

Bri