The Blinding Truth

The silence is so overwhelming! I hate his silence! And regardless of what I now know, I still love Ryan. My heart is aching knowing things I never wanted to believe! Is ignorance really bliss? Knowing the truth hurts you more than being naive! While I hate people lying to me, my heart is breaking finding out the truth of things and desperately wanting to believe it's not true! I want to go back to being trusting and naive because then my love was so pure for him. Because of him I can never love another. Because of him, I am I afraid to ever trust again! Who is him? We all know. He is the love of my life, Ry. What do you do when you love someone so much and find out a shocking truth about them that makes you sick to your stomach? How do you get over it? How do you forgive when you know you've been intentionally lied to?

Love. . . That's now all I have left. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing. I don't understand it because he was so different a month ago. Eventually I will see him even if he refuses to to come today to the ultrasound and to the birth. I will love him even though the truth now crashes over me like a wave with that won't end. It enwraps me with it's jaws and I struggle to get free, to just breath again. Yet I can't. I can't breath because I am drowning in the truth that I want it to end! I want to believe in him! I want to know he really isn't the man that I've seen last night! He is the love of my life, so what do I do? I love him regardless.

Love, I will still love him knowing what I know. I will still be there for him, regardless. He needs me to love him! I can't judge him only forgive him. My love won't judge him. My love for him will cover all that he's done wrong. My love is not going to fail to be there for him. My love will endure through this. I know he's confused. But I will still be here for him. What I don't understand is why? He promised he'd never lie to me and that I could always trust him. He said that was the one thing he and I always had is absolute trust between us. That no matter what we could be honest with each other. I have always been honest. But to him, are those just words? I hope not! We are so good together and he knows it. So I am confused to this new reality that has hit me. I have to know the truth.

well, I better go. Time to get ready for the doc!

Love you all!

Bri