When There's Nothing Left. . . Baby Stuff

Hi All! So this past month has been such a roller coaster to say the least! I think men are the most indecisive people there are!

Yes, Ry and I were doing great for the past 2 months! I didn't say too much cuz I was scared that things would go south agian. What can you say when you still love the guy. Then when I was in the hospital he decided that it was completely over between us. Go figure. What a way to stress you out and make the baby come sooner! I kinda figured as much since he didn't return the call or text. But my heart was hoping otherwise. I found out on Fri when I was in the middle of the ultrasound that he was leaving me and the baby for good. Talk about devistating! I no longer enjoyed the ultrasound as I was left in tears and a broken heart again. I could barely talk to my midwife because the pain was so fresh again and I couldn't stop crying. I learned so many truths about him that day, truths that made me cry until the next morning. With absolutely no sleep I had to figure out how to just cope yesterday. By walking away, He said from everything. That he no longer wanted any part of his daughter either. And that if she wants to know him she'll look for him! How could he do this to her? To me? I knew in those horrible moments and the moments I lie awake exhausted yet still crying, what it felt like to be completley alone. No God was not there. Not this time. Had he been I wouldn't be hurt like this yet again. There was a void. Why couldn't God for once let me be happy and have a real family? A man who loved me back the way I loved him! I asked Ry if he had a heart at all. He said he did and because I won't walk away from him he was walking away from me and our baby girl.

I had given up. My heart doesn't even exist to beat any longer. Then yesterday he texted and said he fullfull any obligations the state would have him to. I told him that he had to be at the hospital to sign the paternity papers or else he'd be forced to take a test and pay 600. I told him he could do it for free and trust that he was the father because I have always been faithful to him (yes I could have cheated, but I HATE that and never would contemplate! Besides I have eyes only for him and he had my heart and love) or he could pay the cash and find out she is his afterall. He said he never doubted for a second she wasn't. He knows that because she was conceived when we were going to get married. Then I asked if he still wanted nothing to do with her and he said he'd take her 100%, or whatever I'd give him. I don't know any longer cuz well, I can't keep doing this. I don't want to yanked around, and I don't feel like seeing him if it had to end like that. He said that he isn't the man I first fell in love with anymore so to fall out of love! I told him that even when people change the other accepts them and they don't just walk away. But he chose to because he knew I'd stay faithful and accept him as he was. Yes, he chose once and for all to walk away. From me completely. From his daughter? Who knows. He said he may show at her birth. I can't hold my breath. I won't. I don't expect anything from him any longer. I don't expect him to even care if she's sick or dies or ends up in the NICU. I know he doesn't care if something happened to me. Because of all the stress he caused me, I lost over 10 pounds and now have gained 8 pounds at the most and I'll be 27 weeks in a few days! The baby is growing though and she looks great for her gestation. But my blood volume has dropped and they said I may have complications and may not recover. I haven't said anything to the folks cuz they don't need to worry. I can't have anesthia though cuz it'll affect her. She's too small. So for once I am terrified and feel as if I am in it alone.

That's all for now. The contractions have gotten stronger so we'll see. It's a matter of time and the waiting game now.

Heartbroken,

Bri