Stopping Labor, Emotions at a High!

Hi all! I hope this finds you all better than I. Sunday morning I started having severe pain and contractions. I had to go into the hospital because my midwife said I needed to. I was so afraid. However, with Ryan being there with me made things so muc better! He made me feel as if everything was going to be OK.

They gave me a shot in the arm to stop the contractions that were putting me into labor. However when they gave me Phenergan to stop the nausea my body started spasming. It was the worse feeling or thing I'd ever gone through. I could not control any movements. I said I'd rather give birth and feel that pain any day. I felt as if it'd never end. I asked when the medicine would wear off and they said not for 6 hours! I was scared to be honest. I knew I could not physically handle that for 6 hours. My mom and sister were that at that point. My sister found it funny, and well Ryan didn't say much. The doctor said she was not going to give me anything else for fear of another reaction. I turned on my side and tried to sleep it off. It finally wore off and I was relieved. It didn't last 6 hours, thank God!

They finally left and Ryan stayed with me for a while. He watched sports while I slept, I think. My folks came back and brought a down comforter for him to sleep with. I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. He and I had a little dinner, and talked a bit. I of course was extremely emotional, from all the drugs and the pain and just everything, because I realized that I still loved him very deeply. And to know that he doesn't love me back still brings tears to my eyes. It hurts so deeply knowing I am not the only woman he choses to be with. I know that I upset him, but I hope he can see past everything and know that underneath it all I do care and love him, and that is the reason I am jealous of the other women he'd rather hang out with.

My parents finally came back and they took Ryan with them to get his car. I told Ryan he did NOT have to come back. I knew he could've done a million other things that day. I knew he'd rather be at home in his bed! I wanted him to be happy and do what he wants not what I want. I needed him there and yet, I also knew I wanted him there only if he wanted to be.

He did come back late that night. We talked briefly before he fell asleep. Neither of us slept too well. And in the morning he took a shower and told me to call him at 10:30 and left. The doctors and nurses did more tests before concluding that my contractions were back and strong. I was given a pill to help stop them. They said it was because I was stressed most likely. I was finally released and put under extreme bedrest orders. I am not aloud to get out of bed except to go the bathroom now. That will NOT happen. I already know that I will have to take care of the kids because I am NOT allowed to go to school. I am NOT happy about this. What am I supposed to do? Izzy will come and it's because I know that nothing will change. I know that I will NOT be allowed to be on bedrest even a little. And yes, I did call Ryan and but never talked to him. I realized he is still upset with me and that I probably blew it. I hate the silence. I am not going into it. I just don't understand it all. We were so happy not even a week ago! We were hanging out! He called ME to go hang out and do stuff! ME! Not another woman! He said everything was good between us. I was so happy! So what changed? I am still confused! : (

Is David really right? Will he never really choose me? Will he never really love me again? I want him to! I want him to choose me! I want to raise Izzy with him! I want us to be a happy family! I thought I was finally over things and I realized I'm just not. I may never be over loving him! He is the love of my life! I think not hearing from him today is what started the contractions again. Had I had to have given birth today, he would not have been there. He never answered his phone. I would've done it all alone and that made me cry! : (

Why do I feel like I am going to do this all alone?

People think it's so easy to have a baby on your own and to be a single parent. It's not! I'd rather be married any day! I'd rather be married to Ryan even if I had to wait for him than to be unhappy and alone! I love him for who he is, and I have never judged him! And that's all that should matter! I don't care what others say, it should be between 2 people and if they love each other that is enough! If he loved me back that would be enough!

Well I have to go lay down. I am confused and in pain! I am supposed to be on bedrest and well on that pill that stops the contractions but none of the pharmacies have it. So, I must try and relax! I must try not to cry again, even though I have a heavy feeling my heart is about to break again.

Saddened,

Bri