Hi all! Izzy is still very under the weather and will only let me hold her and only rests when she's in my arms right now. Which as of this very moment s all curled up in my very weak arms.
Anyhow She has an appointment with a hearing specialist tomorrow morning, because she failed her first 2 newborn screenings. So please pray she passes her tests tomorrow. I don't want something else to worry about. Well I'd better try to get some sleep even if it's with her lying on my tummy. But please pray she passes with flying colors this time!
Good night all!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Worn Out
Hi all! OK, yes, I would love your prayers for my precious baby girl! Life has been a little overwhelming the past few days. She got sick and between that and all the appointments and the the two others I am drained. Yesterday alone I had 6 appointments back to back. And it wasn't fun with driving in the snow from Bremerton to Lakewood!
I feel so helpless trying to care for baby Izzy! I myself am definitely undergoing postpartum trauma to my body. The doctor's aren't sure why I started to hemorrhage almost 6 weeks later, but I am. Not a fun thing. So trying to fix my and take care of Izzy on my own has been more than exhausting. As the saying goes when it rains it pours.
Then I start crying cuz I feel so overwhelmed doing it all on my own and my thought wander back to the things that were said to me. Such as it will be better if I give her up 4 adoption because she needs both a mommy and daddy who love her and are there 4 her. Not just a mommy who loves her. Cuz maybe they are right and having just a mommy who loves you is not enough. Especially when my kids start asking questions. I just feel so helpless in all of this.
So prayer. I definitely could use some of that. Cuz at times like this I feel as if I am not good enough of a mother and like giving up. I just wish I did have someone to lean on and talk to when my daughter is sick.
Exhausted,
Bri
I feel so helpless trying to care for baby Izzy! I myself am definitely undergoing postpartum trauma to my body. The doctor's aren't sure why I started to hemorrhage almost 6 weeks later, but I am. Not a fun thing. So trying to fix my and take care of Izzy on my own has been more than exhausting. As the saying goes when it rains it pours.
Then I start crying cuz I feel so overwhelmed doing it all on my own and my thought wander back to the things that were said to me. Such as it will be better if I give her up 4 adoption because she needs both a mommy and daddy who love her and are there 4 her. Not just a mommy who loves her. Cuz maybe they are right and having just a mommy who loves you is not enough. Especially when my kids start asking questions. I just feel so helpless in all of this.
So prayer. I definitely could use some of that. Cuz at times like this I feel as if I am not good enough of a mother and like giving up. I just wish I did have someone to lean on and talk to when my daughter is sick.
Exhausted,
Bri
PEASE PRAY FOR ISABELLA!
HI all! Please pray for Isabella. She has a 102.3 temp and pneumonia. She's been pretty listless the past 24 hours and if her temp goes up she'll be admitted into the hospital. She's had blood work, a catheter for urine, and x-rays. She's barely eating or wetting. Her doctor is concerned about seizures if her temp keeps spiking. Even with Tylenol it keeps rising. So Please, Please keep little Izzy in your prayers!
Worried,
Bri
Worried,
Bri
Saturday, January 26, 2008
The Good Life!
Hey! So life is good lately! Well besides recovering from everything, which my doc said will take some time! I was finally released to go to school again, so I am really excited!
We've been living in Bremerton because well our house is being torn apart with demolition! And it's been a nice break away from all the chaos! Izzy and I have just been chillin lately, cuz the other two are with their daddy this weekend!! She has been sleeping through the night lately and it makes me so happy! I feel refreshed and alive again for the first time!
This morning Izzy and I shared play time with lots of grins and even her first giggle! I was so excited! My lil baby girl is starting to laugh and coo and talk to me! She is growing so quickly! She even sucks her thumb every now and then when she finds it! She is definitely my lil sunshine and she brings me so much joy, thus her middle name! Her eyes are still blue and slowly turning brown! Her hair is blonde still but has some brown in it now! She's 21 and 1/2 inches and a lil over 8 pounds! She's so petite and she'll be 6 weeks tomorrow! Boy does time really fly! It's been so amazing and every day I look at her, every smile we share, I see so much beauty! I truly am blessed and she is a blessing! I thank God for her a million times a day and told her mommy's always wanted her! Her lil personality is so bright and sweet! She gets so excited at the littlest things and now when she hears my voice her eyes light up and she turns to look for me! There is nothing quite like that of having your lil baby know only you as her world! And I am her entire world! Today we started having tummy time! Though the ironic thing is she loves her tummy time! She is pushing up and looking around! I can't imagine even one day without her. I miss her for even a brief time if I run somewhere and have my parents watch her. It's so weird cuz I prefer to take her with me everywhere! I can't imagine leaving her ever!
So yeah, life has been amazing, wonderful and great! It couldn't be better right now! God is amazing and no matter what is thrown at me, I will be able to handle it, cuz I am back to being me! I learned in a bible study that I use to do with Tammy and JoL through Captivating that I am a strong, confident, woman and I only need God to validate my true self worth! I know I am a beautiful woman that He has made! And someday, He'll unite me with that amazing man He has just for me! And someday, the kids and I will have our happily ever after! LOL! But for now I am truly happy!
Life never is what we expect it! But that's the beauty of it! I still find joy in the small things such as watching the kids play basketball! I am trying to teach Alexis that you bounce a ball not kick it! And Mike is learning to swim without help! He and I talked about surfing! He wants to surf at the age of 9! So I told him we have to continue swimming! He is so funny because he wants to do something while Lexi is in ballet and I said he could do gymnastics and he said "mommy that's for girls!" LOL! He sure is funny! I love all of my kids! They are my life! They are growing so quickly!
Well that's life right now! I am just so filled with a happiness and a calmness! My life definitely has not turned out as I wanted it or expected it, but hey, It only makes me stronger. I mean I never wanted or expected to be a single mom of 3, but the Lord saw this day before He made the world, and He saw my heart and he knew how much I could handle! I suppose that all the hurt I've gone through in life has really made me stronger. I guess the only way to learn is by getting hurt, hu? This doesn't mean I'm closed to really loving again someday, though! Some day there really will be a man that will love me as I love him! And he'll love all my kids! And as for now, when that day does come, and I am still the only one in Izzy's life, maybe he'll adopt her. I can't say as of now what will happen though. But, I do know that no one, no man, will define who I am or what I am worth!
So all, I hope you are having a great weekend! I hope life is going well! And guess what? Izzy and I are doing just fine together! I look into her eyes and know we'll be just fine even if it is just us and her siblings! Well I better go, it's time to feel my little bundle of joy! She just woke up and her lil bright blue eyes are staring expectantly into mine!
Lovin Life,
Bri
We've been living in Bremerton because well our house is being torn apart with demolition! And it's been a nice break away from all the chaos! Izzy and I have just been chillin lately, cuz the other two are with their daddy this weekend!! She has been sleeping through the night lately and it makes me so happy! I feel refreshed and alive again for the first time!
This morning Izzy and I shared play time with lots of grins and even her first giggle! I was so excited! My lil baby girl is starting to laugh and coo and talk to me! She is growing so quickly! She even sucks her thumb every now and then when she finds it! She is definitely my lil sunshine and she brings me so much joy, thus her middle name! Her eyes are still blue and slowly turning brown! Her hair is blonde still but has some brown in it now! She's 21 and 1/2 inches and a lil over 8 pounds! She's so petite and she'll be 6 weeks tomorrow! Boy does time really fly! It's been so amazing and every day I look at her, every smile we share, I see so much beauty! I truly am blessed and she is a blessing! I thank God for her a million times a day and told her mommy's always wanted her! Her lil personality is so bright and sweet! She gets so excited at the littlest things and now when she hears my voice her eyes light up and she turns to look for me! There is nothing quite like that of having your lil baby know only you as her world! And I am her entire world! Today we started having tummy time! Though the ironic thing is she loves her tummy time! She is pushing up and looking around! I can't imagine even one day without her. I miss her for even a brief time if I run somewhere and have my parents watch her. It's so weird cuz I prefer to take her with me everywhere! I can't imagine leaving her ever!
So yeah, life has been amazing, wonderful and great! It couldn't be better right now! God is amazing and no matter what is thrown at me, I will be able to handle it, cuz I am back to being me! I learned in a bible study that I use to do with Tammy and JoL through Captivating that I am a strong, confident, woman and I only need God to validate my true self worth! I know I am a beautiful woman that He has made! And someday, He'll unite me with that amazing man He has just for me! And someday, the kids and I will have our happily ever after! LOL! But for now I am truly happy!
Life never is what we expect it! But that's the beauty of it! I still find joy in the small things such as watching the kids play basketball! I am trying to teach Alexis that you bounce a ball not kick it! And Mike is learning to swim without help! He and I talked about surfing! He wants to surf at the age of 9! So I told him we have to continue swimming! He is so funny because he wants to do something while Lexi is in ballet and I said he could do gymnastics and he said "mommy that's for girls!" LOL! He sure is funny! I love all of my kids! They are my life! They are growing so quickly!
Well that's life right now! I am just so filled with a happiness and a calmness! My life definitely has not turned out as I wanted it or expected it, but hey, It only makes me stronger. I mean I never wanted or expected to be a single mom of 3, but the Lord saw this day before He made the world, and He saw my heart and he knew how much I could handle! I suppose that all the hurt I've gone through in life has really made me stronger. I guess the only way to learn is by getting hurt, hu? This doesn't mean I'm closed to really loving again someday, though! Some day there really will be a man that will love me as I love him! And he'll love all my kids! And as for now, when that day does come, and I am still the only one in Izzy's life, maybe he'll adopt her. I can't say as of now what will happen though. But, I do know that no one, no man, will define who I am or what I am worth!
So all, I hope you are having a great weekend! I hope life is going well! And guess what? Izzy and I are doing just fine together! I look into her eyes and know we'll be just fine even if it is just us and her siblings! Well I better go, it's time to feel my little bundle of joy! She just woke up and her lil bright blue eyes are staring expectantly into mine!
Lovin Life,
Bri
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Life is Happening
Life is funny how it works out, isn't it?
A year ago I never expected to be where I am today. I thought I'd be deep in my studies in Hawaii, in nursing school, since I did get accepted in HPU. A lil turn of events not only postponed that for good but changed my life forever.
Looking back I was faced with so many unanswered questions, left with doubt, shame and embarrassment. I was even told to wear a ring so I wouldn't get the looks of being pregnant. I refused to. All the while enduring the dirty looks and the snickering I loved my lil baby that was growing inside of me. Yes, I had to drop out of school and my dream nursing school quickly vanished into the tossing of the waves, but the new waves that are crashing in bring in a new hope, joy, happiness, and beauty that never existed before. With the birth of Isabella, I was left with tears, hope, anger and joy. So many emotions all at one time. I'd lie in my bed crying and yet still be filled with so much love for this little girl. She is truly teaching me things I would never have learned had I not had her. I am learning for the first time, it is OK to ask for help when I need it and to be there when I'm needed. I am taking more time to enjoy her as a baby, because I had the other two at such a young age, I don't think I quite understood nor appreciated the beauty of being a mom or just raising a baby! She looks into my eyes as if I am her only world! It touches the very core of my being! She is truly a blessing and a gift from God. I am forced now to face life in such a different way.
I am learning to open up to others and have become friends with complete strangers all because I have a baby. The amazing thing is having a baby attracts all sorts of people and even the men are swooning over how beautiful she is! And she truly is a beautiful baby! I prayed every day when I was pregnant to give me a beautiful little girl! And God heard my prayers and answered them!
However, today was quite a different day. The older two, are now in basketball, which by the way is absolutely hilarious! It's like watching Eric's lil' Heroes! So anyhow, I decided to go get a sub from subway and take a break from watching and so Izzy and I left for a few minutes. I sat in the back of the place in the Y feeding Izzy her bottle while I ate. It was one time I wanted to be alone. But I looked up to see this guy looking at me. I thought what is this? I mean his gaze was so steady that I felt uneasy for the first time. So, I looked behind me out the window to see if he was indeed looking beyond me. I turned around to meet his gaze again. I suddenly became very concious and tried to look every where but meet his gaze. I was thinking what does he want from me? I have a baby, I am just in jeans and a T with my hair pulled into a pony and no makeup. Hardly a person worth noticing. Especially today with the baby. And yet I couldn't match his gaze. He finally grinned and winked at me and I thought OK, I am dreaming and I'll wake up, cuz this guy was indeed more than handsome! He walked over to me and asked if he could sit. I said sure, I'm just leaving! LOL! OK, not the best thing, cuz I was so shy for the first time. I am not usually like that. He said he would see me around and winked. I said, um yeah sure. Maybe. I wiped my mouth for the thousandth time and said goodbye! LOL! I hurried past him and back into the safety of the crowd! I guess I am not use to that anymore. Cuz all I've seen myself as lately is just a mom. For the first time this stranger made me feel like a woman again. LOL! I have a feeling that I will see him again. Don't ask me why.
So, life is definitely great! I have 3 beautiful children all unique in their own way and I love them all so much! I am getting my bachelors, something I never thought I'd truly attain, and someday I will prayerfully be back in the mission field. So, life is great! Love will someday follow. But for now all I truly need is the love of God and my family. God will bless me in His timing! And then I will never regret a minute of anything. I don't regret anything as of now! I have 3 children, who cares how I had them, I do. I have only learned from my past, from the hurt, as well as the joyous times! I may not have a date this Valentine's and it'll definitely be different than last year's but just the same, I will be happy! And someday I'll have a date for the rest of my life! But maybe this is good! Because I am back in school and need to concentrate anyhow. No more bumps in the road or distractions! Even if it takes me 3 more years to get my BA I will. I will not let others tell me I am too old or can't do it. I can do anything I put my mind to! And guess what, I am excited for school! I love learning!
So, this is my life! I am happy and I consider my life to be blessed and lucky!
Love you all and goodnight!
Bri
A year ago I never expected to be where I am today. I thought I'd be deep in my studies in Hawaii, in nursing school, since I did get accepted in HPU. A lil turn of events not only postponed that for good but changed my life forever.
Looking back I was faced with so many unanswered questions, left with doubt, shame and embarrassment. I was even told to wear a ring so I wouldn't get the looks of being pregnant. I refused to. All the while enduring the dirty looks and the snickering I loved my lil baby that was growing inside of me. Yes, I had to drop out of school and my dream nursing school quickly vanished into the tossing of the waves, but the new waves that are crashing in bring in a new hope, joy, happiness, and beauty that never existed before. With the birth of Isabella, I was left with tears, hope, anger and joy. So many emotions all at one time. I'd lie in my bed crying and yet still be filled with so much love for this little girl. She is truly teaching me things I would never have learned had I not had her. I am learning for the first time, it is OK to ask for help when I need it and to be there when I'm needed. I am taking more time to enjoy her as a baby, because I had the other two at such a young age, I don't think I quite understood nor appreciated the beauty of being a mom or just raising a baby! She looks into my eyes as if I am her only world! It touches the very core of my being! She is truly a blessing and a gift from God. I am forced now to face life in such a different way.
I am learning to open up to others and have become friends with complete strangers all because I have a baby. The amazing thing is having a baby attracts all sorts of people and even the men are swooning over how beautiful she is! And she truly is a beautiful baby! I prayed every day when I was pregnant to give me a beautiful little girl! And God heard my prayers and answered them!
However, today was quite a different day. The older two, are now in basketball, which by the way is absolutely hilarious! It's like watching Eric's lil' Heroes! So anyhow, I decided to go get a sub from subway and take a break from watching and so Izzy and I left for a few minutes. I sat in the back of the place in the Y feeding Izzy her bottle while I ate. It was one time I wanted to be alone. But I looked up to see this guy looking at me. I thought what is this? I mean his gaze was so steady that I felt uneasy for the first time. So, I looked behind me out the window to see if he was indeed looking beyond me. I turned around to meet his gaze again. I suddenly became very concious and tried to look every where but meet his gaze. I was thinking what does he want from me? I have a baby, I am just in jeans and a T with my hair pulled into a pony and no makeup. Hardly a person worth noticing. Especially today with the baby. And yet I couldn't match his gaze. He finally grinned and winked at me and I thought OK, I am dreaming and I'll wake up, cuz this guy was indeed more than handsome! He walked over to me and asked if he could sit. I said sure, I'm just leaving! LOL! OK, not the best thing, cuz I was so shy for the first time. I am not usually like that. He said he would see me around and winked. I said, um yeah sure. Maybe. I wiped my mouth for the thousandth time and said goodbye! LOL! I hurried past him and back into the safety of the crowd! I guess I am not use to that anymore. Cuz all I've seen myself as lately is just a mom. For the first time this stranger made me feel like a woman again. LOL! I have a feeling that I will see him again. Don't ask me why.
So, life is definitely great! I have 3 beautiful children all unique in their own way and I love them all so much! I am getting my bachelors, something I never thought I'd truly attain, and someday I will prayerfully be back in the mission field. So, life is great! Love will someday follow. But for now all I truly need is the love of God and my family. God will bless me in His timing! And then I will never regret a minute of anything. I don't regret anything as of now! I have 3 children, who cares how I had them, I do. I have only learned from my past, from the hurt, as well as the joyous times! I may not have a date this Valentine's and it'll definitely be different than last year's but just the same, I will be happy! And someday I'll have a date for the rest of my life! But maybe this is good! Because I am back in school and need to concentrate anyhow. No more bumps in the road or distractions! Even if it takes me 3 more years to get my BA I will. I will not let others tell me I am too old or can't do it. I can do anything I put my mind to! And guess what, I am excited for school! I love learning!
So, this is my life! I am happy and I consider my life to be blessed and lucky!
Love you all and goodnight!
Bri
Friday, January 11, 2008
Times Change
Hi! It's official! I am diving into the intellect of minds! That's right, I am back as student in college! LOL! I love school and miss it! But I have to say, this semester is going to be one of the tuffest semesters ever with my classes! I guess in a way I no longer have the distractions of men. . . So that could be a good thing. I mean there is no wedding to try and plan this summer after all, so mind mind won't be distracted. Though with Isabella still nursing every 3 hours I am not sure how I will function. I was told because I had to medical withdraw I have to get a B+ or better. I am of course going to push myself for A's but we shall see.
With being involved in church again, school, and the kids, I am a very busy woman! But it will be great for me to get out and be with other adults who share my passion!
I know looking back that it's going to be sad when I don't marry this summer, but at the same time I believe it is best. He wasn't who God has for me. I deserve to be treated with Respect, and as a woman to begin with! I am more than just a mom. There is a separate side to me. And he lost that in knowing I was a mom. I am a woman and I deserve to be treated as a one of God's beautiful gems, as one of my best friend's Tammy says! So, I will wait on God, and He will bring me a man in His timing that will be perfect for me and one who wants to be spoiled and loved as well! I have so many passions and desires! One of them missions and traveling! I want to share more with a guy than just laughing every now and then!
So, I guess that's me for now! I gotta run! At least 2 of my kids still have a dad who wants to be a part of their lives! Some day, Izzy will to! And when that day comes, when God brings me that man, I will let him adopt her as his own!
Until next time, smile and enjoy the weekend! And instead of thinking of all you're missing out on, think of all God has given you and what you have right now! Enjoy life and take time to love your family!
All Smiles,
Bri
With being involved in church again, school, and the kids, I am a very busy woman! But it will be great for me to get out and be with other adults who share my passion!
I know looking back that it's going to be sad when I don't marry this summer, but at the same time I believe it is best. He wasn't who God has for me. I deserve to be treated with Respect, and as a woman to begin with! I am more than just a mom. There is a separate side to me. And he lost that in knowing I was a mom. I am a woman and I deserve to be treated as a one of God's beautiful gems, as one of my best friend's Tammy says! So, I will wait on God, and He will bring me a man in His timing that will be perfect for me and one who wants to be spoiled and loved as well! I have so many passions and desires! One of them missions and traveling! I want to share more with a guy than just laughing every now and then!
So, I guess that's me for now! I gotta run! At least 2 of my kids still have a dad who wants to be a part of their lives! Some day, Izzy will to! And when that day comes, when God brings me that man, I will let him adopt her as his own!
Until next time, smile and enjoy the weekend! And instead of thinking of all you're missing out on, think of all God has given you and what you have right now! Enjoy life and take time to love your family!
All Smiles,
Bri
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Life Goes On
So, there has been a ton that has happened.
I can honestly say I am so excited to start the new year! I finally decided to go back to church and it was so amazing! There is nothing more than knowing a message was meant for you! I have to look towards the future and new beginnings, not in the past. Because the past just hurts me!
I am loving life with the kids! Mikey and Lexi started swimming again yesterday, and Lexi is starting ballet again tomorrow. Both of them are starting basketball in a week! And so my life is busy again! Baby Izzy keeps me busy as well! She has quite the personality developing! She loves to smile! She is starting to coo! Her ped. said she has already met some of the 3 month milestones at 2 weeks, so she is doing great! She is tracking light with her eyes already and pushing up when she is on her stomach! She loves to look around!
Well, I am starting school in a few weeks, so I will become even busier! I can say being a single mom of 3 is so different. Those who say after two it's all the same, must be crazy or have a husband helping!
Anyhow, this is my life and time to do the dishes and then feeding the baby!
Torn but still smiling,
Bri
I can honestly say I am so excited to start the new year! I finally decided to go back to church and it was so amazing! There is nothing more than knowing a message was meant for you! I have to look towards the future and new beginnings, not in the past. Because the past just hurts me!
I am loving life with the kids! Mikey and Lexi started swimming again yesterday, and Lexi is starting ballet again tomorrow. Both of them are starting basketball in a week! And so my life is busy again! Baby Izzy keeps me busy as well! She has quite the personality developing! She loves to smile! She is starting to coo! Her ped. said she has already met some of the 3 month milestones at 2 weeks, so she is doing great! She is tracking light with her eyes already and pushing up when she is on her stomach! She loves to look around!
Well, I am starting school in a few weeks, so I will become even busier! I can say being a single mom of 3 is so different. Those who say after two it's all the same, must be crazy or have a husband helping!
Anyhow, this is my life and time to do the dishes and then feeding the baby!
Torn but still smiling,
Bri
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
angry
It's official. Ryan wants nothing to do with his daughter. He has his excuses, but the bottom line is that she would interfere with his dating life. I got really angry with him yesterday! Yes me, angry with him. I'm not sure I want something to do with him after all. I am tired of the lies, hurt, written words that aren't real.
to be continued
to be continued
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Still in Shock, Confused
Hi! Life with the baby has been interesting! I will later right about the experiences of birth with her. But this is a little different writing.
The first 2 weeks of Isabella's life her daddy loved her and fell in love with her! Then for some reason, this past Sunday, he has decided he wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't want to be in her life in any way possible. I'm still in shock so, I haven't even cried yet. I still can't understand how anyone would turn their back on their own baby.
My son asked me why Ryan didn't want his daughter and if she will have a daddy now. He started asking me a ton of hard questions. I told him this time I didn't have the answers. I didn't know why Ryan didn't want her. And no, she does not have a daddy anymore. He was so concerned about this. He said, "Mommy, I want you to get married so Izzy has a daddy too!" That broke my heart.
So, as of this past Sunday, Isabella no longer has a daddy. Not one that wants her or loves her. Maybe I am stupid to hope he changes his mind about her. But I doubt it!
I no longer wish to be married to him. I can't be with a man or love a man who has turned his back on his own daughter and abandoned her.
I got a prophecy a while back, and maybe the prophet was right. Maybe Ryan was just around to get what he wanted and now wants his freedom. In the long run, he never cared about me, and now I am not so sure he even cared about or loved his daughter. If he did, there is nothing in the world that would turn his affection from her. It's sad, because she is such a good baby and so delightful! She smiles and talks to me already! She is so curious!
He said he knows that it will suck for me to raise 3 kids on my own, yet does not want to help at all! So come Feb. I will be trying to now juggle 4 schedules! Alexis is still in Ballet, and she and Mike are still in swimming and now they are starting basketball! I think it is important to let them have their own activities! I will be juggling school with everything else and I am already completely exhausted!
I have no idea how I am going to be doing all this, but there has to be a way.
I started going back to church this past weekend, and it's a good thing, cuz now I'll need God more than ever! Hopefully someday, He'll build my faith back up to where it once was when I had faith to move the mountains. Somewhere it all disappeared. Maybe it's because I just gave up believing that God was too busy to notice me. Whatever the reason, I know I am starting to miss the days where I was in the mission field. I am wanting to go back into that more than ever these days! But God has a plan. What will I do with my life now? Who knows.
Wondering in Confusion,
Bri
The first 2 weeks of Isabella's life her daddy loved her and fell in love with her! Then for some reason, this past Sunday, he has decided he wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't want to be in her life in any way possible. I'm still in shock so, I haven't even cried yet. I still can't understand how anyone would turn their back on their own baby.
My son asked me why Ryan didn't want his daughter and if she will have a daddy now. He started asking me a ton of hard questions. I told him this time I didn't have the answers. I didn't know why Ryan didn't want her. And no, she does not have a daddy anymore. He was so concerned about this. He said, "Mommy, I want you to get married so Izzy has a daddy too!" That broke my heart.
So, as of this past Sunday, Isabella no longer has a daddy. Not one that wants her or loves her. Maybe I am stupid to hope he changes his mind about her. But I doubt it!
I no longer wish to be married to him. I can't be with a man or love a man who has turned his back on his own daughter and abandoned her.
I got a prophecy a while back, and maybe the prophet was right. Maybe Ryan was just around to get what he wanted and now wants his freedom. In the long run, he never cared about me, and now I am not so sure he even cared about or loved his daughter. If he did, there is nothing in the world that would turn his affection from her. It's sad, because she is such a good baby and so delightful! She smiles and talks to me already! She is so curious!
He said he knows that it will suck for me to raise 3 kids on my own, yet does not want to help at all! So come Feb. I will be trying to now juggle 4 schedules! Alexis is still in Ballet, and she and Mike are still in swimming and now they are starting basketball! I think it is important to let them have their own activities! I will be juggling school with everything else and I am already completely exhausted!
I have no idea how I am going to be doing all this, but there has to be a way.
I started going back to church this past weekend, and it's a good thing, cuz now I'll need God more than ever! Hopefully someday, He'll build my faith back up to where it once was when I had faith to move the mountains. Somewhere it all disappeared. Maybe it's because I just gave up believing that God was too busy to notice me. Whatever the reason, I know I am starting to miss the days where I was in the mission field. I am wanting to go back into that more than ever these days! But God has a plan. What will I do with my life now? Who knows.
Wondering in Confusion,
Bri
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