Still in Shock, Confused

Hi! Life with the baby has been interesting! I will later right about the experiences of birth with her. But this is a little different writing.

The first 2 weeks of Isabella's life her daddy loved her and fell in love with her! Then for some reason, this past Sunday, he has decided he wants nothing to do with her. He doesn't want to be in her life in any way possible. I'm still in shock so, I haven't even cried yet. I still can't understand how anyone would turn their back on their own baby.

My son asked me why Ryan didn't want his daughter and if she will have a daddy now. He started asking me a ton of hard questions. I told him this time I didn't have the answers. I didn't know why Ryan didn't want her. And no, she does not have a daddy anymore. He was so concerned about this. He said, "Mommy, I want you to get married so Izzy has a daddy too!" That broke my heart.

So, as of this past Sunday, Isabella no longer has a daddy. Not one that wants her or loves her. Maybe I am stupid to hope he changes his mind about her. But I doubt it!

I no longer wish to be married to him. I can't be with a man or love a man who has turned his back on his own daughter and abandoned her.

I got a prophecy a while back, and maybe the prophet was right. Maybe Ryan was just around to get what he wanted and now wants his freedom. In the long run, he never cared about me, and now I am not so sure he even cared about or loved his daughter. If he did, there is nothing in the world that would turn his affection from her. It's sad, because she is such a good baby and so delightful! She smiles and talks to me already! She is so curious!

He said he knows that it will suck for me to raise 3 kids on my own, yet does not want to help at all! So come Feb. I will be trying to now juggle 4 schedules! Alexis is still in Ballet, and she and Mike are still in swimming and now they are starting basketball! I think it is important to let them have their own activities! I will be juggling school with everything else and I am already completely exhausted!

I have no idea how I am going to be doing all this, but there has to be a way.

I started going back to church this past weekend, and it's a good thing, cuz now I'll need God more than ever! Hopefully someday, He'll build my faith back up to where it once was when I had faith to move the mountains. Somewhere it all disappeared. Maybe it's because I just gave up believing that God was too busy to notice me. Whatever the reason, I know I am starting to miss the days where I was in the mission field. I am wanting to go back into that more than ever these days! But God has a plan. What will I do with my life now? Who knows.

Wondering in Confusion,

Bri