Movie, song, and letting go

So tonight I saw Harry Potter the new one. It was weird because after the movie I got this bizarre feeling and a peace come over me. For some reason I was ready to let Ryan go. I got a feeling that the most important thing is my children, all of them. They always have been, but realizing that love and friends are more important than something that went away hit me during this movie. It's not like it's an insightful movie or anything, but the holy spirit speaks in different ways. So, while I still love Ryan, I am finally giving him into God's hands and telling Him Your will be done. I will continually pray for him every day, but I must try and let him go. I must let go of that I love the most. If it truly is of God, some day He'll work it out. Of course I will continue to love him, and at times I may write a thing or two about our life that we had but it seems like my journals always disappear so I know that it will remain safe on here. I want to preserve the memories for our child so that what little and what special time we did have and what love we did have the child will know something of it's daddy and will have the good memories.

On the way to pick up the kids the song Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood came on. The tears flooded my eyes and I told God OK take the wheel for good. I know that I want I want to do and what I do is so difficult. I do want to be happy so it's time I give God my heart back to fix and make whole again. It's time I get on with my life because I finally realized Ryan isn't coming back. He chose to leave his baby, the kids and I. I know we were happy and I know he was happy being with me. I also know he was afraid of the commitment so he made excuses and bailed. I should hold that against him, but I've forgiven him. I just have a heavy heart now because I don't want this baby feeling like it's been abandoned as well, by its daddy!

What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Just because i am letting go of Ryan, doesn't make it any easier. What do I tell the child if it's own daddy doesn't even come to it's birth? And how do I tell it it's daddy didn't want anything to do with it. How can anyone deny there child?
I'm in need of wisdom these days!

Songs and bottles

Hi all! I am finally home! But things have come up, so I will write about the devotion later. However, I will say that on the way home from Mike's soccer I had my ipod on random and it Amazed by Lonestar. And I had tears in my eyes. It reminded me of the when Ryan and I drove down to California! We had the regular station on and heard this song! So, he turned to me and said this is our song! Little did I realize he was in a way telling me he loved me! So, later he said that's what he meant! That was going to be a song we wanted at our wedding as it is our song. So of course with missing him today it made me cry.

Earlier Alexis and I went to Babies r us and I was looking at the bottles because I knew Ryan wanted to be able to feed the baby too. He was somewhat upset when I told him I wanted to breastfeed. So, I decided to pump when I wasn't feeding so he could also bond with our child. I suppose if he choses not to be involved then I will just save it for when I need it. But I want him to be able to be a part of his child's life regardless of what happens between us.

So yes, that song is still my fav. The things men do to us!

The e-mails, the baby and 2 men

So, I thought I would write. Over the past few days and weeks I've received several e-mails regarding things with the baby and Ryan.

I have had suggestions such as to abort the child, give him partial custody or full custody. I've been told that this baby will just interrupt my life and so, I should just get rid of it. Even adoption was in a few e-mails. Then 2 people suggested I wear a ring on my left hand so I don't get the questions or dirty looks. Let me ask. . . Why all the suggestions about what to do with the baby? Seriously? I never asked that. That was never even an option. I was and still am planning on keeping it. Giving my baby away was and never will be an option. And NO I will NOT wear a ring. There was a time I was ashamed but it wasn't so much that I am having a baby, it was because we had sex before marriage. But then when I went to God and confessed it, He forgave me and cleaned my sins. Recently I got a prophecy that said that God gave this baby to me to be a blessing and that I will not loose it and that the day of it's birth will be more than a blessing, but a new beginning as well. I have never thought of this child as anything but. Regardless of what people will say or think, it was created in love. Ryan and I truly loved each other when it was conceived.

As for the whole Ryan/David thing. Yes, David is great and he'd be a great husband. He said that if he were to marry me, we'd live on Mercer Island, and give the kids the best life we could. Because he's a lawyer, we'd never have to worry about money or finances. It seems like a dream come true and he truly does like me for me. He constantly reminds me how wonderful and nice and what a genuinely real person I am. He loves that about me and the fact that I take an interest in what he does.

But then there's 2 factors that keep me from really opening my heart up to him. First is, yes, I still love Ryan very deeply. People say just get over him, but when you really love someone, you just don't get over that person. I most likely will always love him.

And second, David is a Jew. That is, he does not believe in Jesus Christ and only believes the first 5 books of the Bible exist and are of God. This is a huge thing, as I love Jesus with my whole heart and want to raise my kids in that faith. I need a husband that is just as strong as I am. Or at the very least loves Christ and hungers to know more of him. It's kind of hard when they don't believe at all and that will only lead to heartache for me.

As for Ryan. I finally figured it out. While he and I had a totally different kind of relationship, not one where we'd sit and talk about school and intellectual things, but as I talked with a good friend yesterday, I realized what Ryan and I had was more real. More family! We didn't need to go to fancy, expensive restaurants or talk of the intellectual things of the world such as paintings, etc. We had the more down to earth family feel, and we loved all the same things such as playing sports, He played basketball with the guys in his free time and I loved that! I loved being able to go to his games and watch! It excited me to see him doing something he loved! We did the fun things such as went to the zoo or played with the kids and Red Robin was OK with him! That's my fav. place! We could just sit and talk and joke or not say anything at all and just be with each other and we were OK. I mean one of our dates consisted of cleaning his bathroom (he moved out, so he had to clean it and I wanted to help), and then we went bowling then to my son's tee-ball game! It may not be a normal or sophisticated but it was us and it fit us, and we loved it! The little things were more important, and it didn't matter what we were doing, but if we spent time together it was great! So yes, while I cleaned his toilet and bathtub, I didn't care, because I knew that I was with him! When he was sick I loved taking care of him and bringing him soup and sprite. I loved being able to take his little girl out to the zoo with Alexis so that he could sleep, and then we'd go shopping for dinner! I loved being able to cook dinner for the kids and bath them while he slept. I was a mom and taking care of Ryan and Jadyn along with Alexis and Mikey became a part of me and I loved it.

So, while I may pursue a career that will put me more well off, I honestly could trade it and trade money for love! I would rather be poor and have a great, happy family life and be in love than have money and stuff and not be in love or happy. So yes, I do pray God brings Ryan back around. I want our family whole again. And with this baby coming I want it's daddy to come back! I love it's daddy more than anyone I've ever loved and I thought that over time it would fade. But when you truly love someone it doesn't exactly fade.

You see, I am NOT the only one that loves and misses them. Alexis also does. All day yesterday she was whiny and clingy and crying. So, when I asked her last night what was wrong she said she really misses Ryan and Jadyn.

So, I guess we wait and pray and still hope that God provides a miracle! That He puts our family back together. But for now, I will still talk and hang out with David. It's kind of nice having someone I can talk to these days, considering all my close friends seem to busy with their own lives. Besides he tells me the things about the law that I needed to know. Such as WA State does not allow joint custody. The only way you can get it is if both parents agree and sign a document saying they want that. But The state won't ever grant it otherwise because it disrupts the child and they get confused and their education really suffers. He said those poor children are not going to be as stable. It's very true. So, I will not do this with this baby. I had contemplated it, but I can't and won't.

So, I leave you all in thought. . . Is it so important that I give this child away that provokes the e-mails. While you may have good intentions, the best intentions are just to support me with this baby. That what family and friends are supposed to do. And no matter what others say. It was never an accident or a mistake! I love my baby! And I can't wait to meet it on Christmas! What a Christmas gift! Ryan has in essence given me the best Christmas gift I will ever get! So, for that I will never forget him!

Just my thoughts as always

A Date with substance

Hi All! So I am really glad I went on this date! Let me tell ya, I was so nervous! But alas I straightened my hair, did my makeup and put on some nice jeans and cute blue dressy haltertop with black heals and beautiful gold dangly earrings. I didn't even look pregnant and I am now 4 1/2 months pregnant!

He wanted to take me to a nice, expensive restaurant. So, I suggested the Ram on Ruston he said NO! LOL! He said some where more expensive. So I suggested CI Shenanigans and he said that'd be great. So he made reservations for 8 and I showed up first so they seated me. I was so nervous. I had never really dated someone who was well established. By that I mean who actually has a graduate degree. He has his own private practice and offices in Seattle, Tacoma and now is buying in Everett. So, he showed up and we talked for a bit. Then we ordered and the food was wonderful! I loved it! We then ordered dessert and shared it and talked until 11. It was so amazing because I mean we really talked. Talked about life, careers, education, etc. For once it was actually two adults talking! There were no walls or no trying to be something we weren't. It was surreal. Then he said I was unlike any other woman he had ever dated. That I was so different. I asked how so and he said that I was pure and innocent almost as if I were from the 50s! LOL! I laughed and said, so my title should be June Cleaver with an education! He laughed too! He said he loved my sense of humor! But what he meant was it's so refreshing to meet me, because I was so refined and he could tell I was really passionate and genuinely cared about others. He said he won't even date someone that doesn't have a graduate degree but knew that I was worth so much more and knew I was pursuing it! He said I was rare and a woman with grace and confidence that stood out! He told me that I really challenged him as a person and asked tough questions that were more than surface deep. He is extremely intelligent and was top in his law class and undergrad school. And I even make him laugh!

So, anyhow, we finally left around 11 and went to a nice grill type bar on Broadway and sat and talked there. We talked about the best of movies and art, and of course the original classics and foreign films! Then he asked me about Ryan. He wanted to know why it ended. I said because he said he thinks he's in love with his ex. He asked me if I had anything bad to say and I said no. I don't like talking bad about people. So he asked if I loved him and I said there was a time we both really loved each other. I said Ryan fell in love with me on our first date, but yes I still loved him and probably always would. I said it's kind of like Jonathan. He was the first real love of my life and I will always love him but he's in the past and I let him go. He told me it was Ryan's loss and that he was really stupid for letting me go. He said I will make a great wife, mom and is just one of those women you don't let go! He said Ryan will regret it when some other man is raising his baby and teaching it sports, etc. We laughed a lot together and talked about how it was nice to go out with someone that could talk about more than the weather!

We finally left around 2AM and he took me to see his new office which is cool with a water view, and then he drove me back to my car. It was so nice because he paid for everything and opened all the doors even the car door every time! He is an athlete as well! It was so nice because he even told me I was beautiful! And he was pretty handsome. I said I must be a snob as well because I only date guys I find attractive. I said if that's not there, then we can only be friends. He said he's the same way.

So anyhow, he walked me to my door. And we talked for a few and then he gently pulled me towards him for a kiss. Then he kissed me again and then he told me, I'm going to kiss you again! I realized though how much I wanted to be kissing Ry and all I could see was Ry, so I said I should go, it was now raining and well I was tired and knew the kids would be up early. So he kissed me again and told me he wanted to see me again soon and often. Then I got in my car and headed home.

As I headed home, I realized it was an amazing date, and if I wasn't still in love with Ryan, it would've been wonderful. I thought though, When we kissed there was no passion, not the way Ryan kissed me. Every time Ryan kissed me, he took my breath away and gave me butterflies even from our first kiss. My mom thinks it's because I am in love with Ryan is the reason as to why I didn't feel anything and to give it time and to continue to date him. She thinks he's gorgeous! So, I will probably see him again.

He's different from Ryan in every way possible that you can imagine! He actually reminds me exactly of Jonathan. He's so refined, and well rounded and there's so much to talk to them about. That's how it was when I talked with Jon. We always had things to talk about and no matter what was going on with each other we could talk to each other without judgment and we just got one another. Even when we didn't agree or were upset we always talked. Jonathan and Ryan were so different. It was actually weird that I ended up with Ryan and falling in love with him. But for some reason I fell in love with Ryan. Maybe it was just our chemistry, but it happened, nonetheless.

It's was great being treated like a woman. I mean a real woman. Not a mom, but me as a woman. So, this is what it must be like to date men of class and that is refined. It's actually nice being treated with respect and class. I'm not use to men treating me like a woman, like a person of value and whatnot! I am glad he thinks I challenge him. I am glad that he thinks that I am worth more than the way I've been treated. it's so nice and refreshing, not having to worry about getting my heart broken because I am afraid that he doesn't know if he's coming or going and when he becomes afraid of loving me thinks he loves his ex, even though he told me that I was the one woman that made him feel different and challenged him as well. That was Ryan. He told me he loved me for who I was and then pushed me away. I don't think David will do that. He KNOWS what he wants and is looking for. He's very sophisticated! Well, thus the first date. I suppose I am willing to give it a chance. Maybe in time things will change.

It's just hard being pregnant with Ryan's baby. So, of course I want our family whole. But maybe this guy will be able to do the things with the kids that Ryan never would.

So many questions. . . Only time will tell. In a perfect world though, I still want to be married to Ryan. But, I don't see this happening.

Better run. . . I have kids to tend to. Back to being a mom!

The movie of us!

The love behind it

So, as I sit here my mind starts to drift to all that has happened in the past 7 months. This year started out to be the best year of my life. Not too far into it I met the man whom I thought I was going to spend my life with. For the first time in I really knew I loved someone! I didn't care any longer about medical school or high achievements, because well, I loved him and was OK with getting a degree that would keep me local! I actually embraced it. What most of you don't know is that there was one morning that I realized that I couldn't spend my life without him. I went over to his house on Saturday in my red dress, stood there in the pouring rain, freezing and shaking because I was so nervous and this is what I said to him. . .

Ryan,

I have never felt so sure about anyone in my entire life as I do about you! I was so scared because you fulfilled all my dreams! When I close my eyes , You're all that I see. You, my sweet love are all that I need! You complete me! I was so wrong and selfish but I promise you from now on, I will be selfless, kind, loving, patient, and humble. You have made my mornings beautiful and every day a dream come true! I don't need anything except you! You complete me! I love you so much and I don't care where or when we get married, but I do want to marry you! You, Jadyn and the kids are everything to me. My dream is for us to grow old together and have the kids dreams come true. Jadyn is so precious to me and I can't imagine you living a day without her. I just wish she were living with you full time. I want to give you and our kids the world. And together with you I know all of our dreams will come true!

Then I got down on both knees and said

Ryan James Kallenberger, will you marry me? (I gave him the blue rose and red rose and the ring he had chosen) I love you and you are the only man I will ever love!

By this time I was crying! Ryan, of course helped me up and took me in his arms and held me! I knew at that moment I didn't want to live a day without him, and I no longer cared about dream weddings or dresses or who was right and who was wrong. In those moments I gave him my heart.

For me, this was quite new. You see, in the past after my divorce I have had 4 or so proposals. Every time, I turned them down saying I'm sorry, you're not the one. You're not the man I love and want to spend my life with. I have never proposed to anyone. I honestly didn't think I'd ever love anyone else besides Jon. Then Ryan came into my life and everything changed. I was so scared and so unsure. There was a time I even pushed him away because I thought that like Jon he'd walk away and never look back. I tried to guard and protect my heart. He didn't understand it and I hurt him. But I realized that I did love him and that was me putting up a barrier. I've never had a man love me the way Ryan did. I thought, God, how can this be possible? Is it true I have finally found true love and ever-lasting happiness?

So, now as I pack every thing away, all of our memories together, all of the pictures and whatnot, I sigh as I place them neatly in a box. The tears begin to fall once again as I put the pictures of us so in love away, and then the baby starts to move! Remembering back to the days when we created this baby in love only gives me a bitter taste as I never in my life saw this coming. Still trying to figure out how he could just suddenly stop loving me and his baby because of some other woman still leaves me in shock. And yet, my heart still hurt desperately for him. . .

I wonder, will this ever get easier? My parents have decided that I need to go out with that lawyer tonight, but in my heart, I just want to be in his arms again having him tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I sometimes sit and wonder, if it was all just a dream, then I feel the baby move and realize that it wasn't. We had something real. Something that he threw away. It isn't only me that is still missing him 2 months later, but my kids still cry for him and his daughter. They know that this baby is Ryan's. Mike asks how Ryan can leave his baby. I have no answers as I don't even know. I can't understand how he could love his daughter so much and be the best father in the world to her and he would've never left her and yet how he can just leave this one? My eyes, now filled with tears, wonder where that amazing father is? Where the man that swept me off my feet disappeared to?

Then I have people say it will only take time to get over him to move on and that I will heal and find love again. But if love is this painful, I don't want it! I have people tell me they understand they've been there and they too got over it and shortly after met the love of their life and now are happy. But what they don't understand is that in their situation they didn't end up having a baby from the man they loved. It wasn't the same. Or the story would always be that he came back a few years later and now they are happily married. But that too is not my story's ending. . . How can people say they know or have gone through this? How many were actually going to get married, to one day walk up to the person they love and when they asked what's wrong the person says I don't ever want to see you again. Talk about heart breaking and life shattering. So, I go through all this alone now. He was supposed to be there for me. For us. He chose to be free and lead his own life. So as I get news like my child has "open spinal bifida" or give birth, I go through it alone. I have no shoulder to cry on, no man that loves me to be there for me. Sure I tell him what is going on, but he seems pretty nonchalant. So, then I just wait until everyone's asleep or gone and then I cry. I cry because of everything. Of the pain my kids feel. From the pain I will always go through, of just going through this whole thing alone. Even my best friends are too busy these days. So, I mainly just talk to God these days because no one else is around or understands.

Yet, God does not reassure me that it will all work out. I pray and beg him for a miracle and yet I never get direct answers. I just want to be happy again and smiling. And for once I want to feel loved. I mean love and not have that love taken away from me!

I guess that is in some ways why I have chosen to go back towards med school. Because with no one around to spend my time with and no one to spend my life with or to love me and let me love him, it's better to do something that will help others. At least then, when the kids are gone and I am alone, I will be too busy to know. Yes, I'd rather be something more simple and live a life of love with the love of my life, but obviously that is not what is in the cards for me!

So, now I sit and wonder, where God is?

I have yet to still fill in the rest of the story, but I will. I have it all written down in my journals.

Will this story have a happy ending? I sure hope so. . .

But for now, I am just a mom. A mom that takes care of 2 and will soon be having a 3rd.

And no, no amount of child support will ever make up for the absence of a father! I just wish Ryan would come around to loving his baby before it is too late. And yes, there is such a thing as too late to children! If he decides to be absent, then there is nothing left for me in Washington. I will go where I am accepted. If God gives me my miracle, I will pursue a different path and definitely stay here!

Oh well, just the thoughts of this sad gal!

A New Perspective

Hi! So, yes it is true! I've been talking to a man named David for almost a month now. He's nice and we talk daily. He's a lawyer and my goodness we laugh a lot together! He laughed and said we're phone dating, cuz every time we try to meet, something comes up! Everyone says to go out with him cuz it'll be good to get over Ryan. But our last convo. he said some things that made me unsure. I think we'll be good as friends, but let me tell ya, he believes that if 2 people get pregnant the man should marry her. He also said that most men that date right after the divorce the gal or the first couple he may think he loves because they "look" so good to him but it is a rebound. Unfortunately, he will think he "loves" her and he will ruin what he really has until he realizes she really wasn't what he thought she was. He said it won't be until a baby is born by another woman or he may even eventually marry her and realize it was a terrible mistake and that too will end in divorce and then the man will realize the woman that they had that they loved at one point and she loved him, that she really was it. I hope to God Ryan wakes up before this. Because for the first time I realize that was what is happening. He said he sees this daily because he is a divorce and family practice attorney amongst other things. But he hardly loses a case and he is good at what he does and he said the story for men is the same 90% of the time and this time they are divorcing the "girl they thought they loved!"

I like him as a friend and have learned a lot, but I still love Ryan, regardless. I suppose that I will see what God has now. I guess if Ryan is not what God has, He'll bring someone better!

Well better go, Alexis wants me to hold her now! I hold her til she falls asleep these days!