Hi! Well, I've been gone pretty much the whole day! I didn't fall back to sleep until 6 or so and was up at 2ish! Sigh. . . it makes for long days when you get up at 8! And oh how I was dragging this morning!
I had an ultrasound done because they want to see what all is wrong with me since I've been in so much pain. No, they didn't look at the baby! : ( It was pretty boring. At least until she said to go to the docs as soon as possible to hear the results. . . sigh. . . here we go again! I asked if what good or bad and they said they can't say. Darn it! However they did say I was the smallest person they'd seen that is 5 months pregnant and I hardly look it! So it that good or bad? I've barely gained 4 or 5 pounds total! But this 1 pound a week thing scares me! LOL! I know darn sure the baby will not come out weighing 20+ pounds! HMMM! I know, I know, it all is supposed to add up, but I hate putting on extra weight I can't get off later! : (
After that we went shopping at Ikea, which drained me!
Then I took Mike to get his hair cut and then we finally just stepped in the door! For a pregnant gal that is high risk, this isn't good!
So, on to more interesting things. . . Before yesterday, there was never really an option as to whether or not to get my BA. I just was going to! Then yesterday, everything seemed clouded and the tables suddenly turned!! When I found out Ryan quit his job (equaling no child support) and knowing that my parents don't want to help forever, I felt trapped. There was really no other options! A bachelor's is pretty worthless these days without a masters or graduate degree of some sort. That is unless you want to make 40 grand and under a year. Being a single mom with soon to be 3 children to raise on my own that is not a good income! However, neither is a hair dresser's income! I didn't want to sidestep and get sidetracked on yet another year that wasn't going towards my BA. It was such a relief when David told me it'd be stupid to quit now! Yes, getting my BA is only one step! And there are times like now I wish I were done! But, to have others say not to give up really helps! As for now, I am still enrolled to get my BA at PLU. We'll see after this semester because I will have a new baby!
Even if I don't end up with David, I'll still be glad I did move on.
And on that note, a good friend of mine, one of my best friends gave me some really good wisdom. I told him everything that was going on, and he pointed out the obvious. I knew as much, but didn't want to come to the fact that Ryan will never be there for us. He's not ready to grow up and take responsibility as a full time dad. Yes, while I will always love him, I've realized that I am letting him go because he wants his freedom. I can't nor will I ask him to come back. I am done with that situation. I just can't see my life going that direction any longer. And the reality hurts. It stings worse than a bee sting, and I am allergic! LOL! In all seriousness though, I know God has the kids and I destined for more than this. . .
As far as David goes, I will remain friends with him, but I need to stand on my own as my friend said. I need to be my own confident persona that I once was, not leaning on any men. I think it was because I was so afraid! The last thing I need to do or nt to do is rush into any kind of relationship right now! I need to focus now on my children, taking care of myself which means destressing, and school! I don't need a man to define who I am or what I am! I know that somewhere inside of me, I am that strong, confident woman that I once was. I think I have let men dictate too long what I was to be or who I was to be. I always listened to them, and hey I ended up with brown hair, something I would've NEVER done in the past for any man! My children need a role model to look up to, and if I am constantly seeking or needing a man's approval, they will feel they need to as well.
Being pregnant, is the biggest blessing in disguise! Yes, while it was not right that Ryan and I did have sex before marriage, God is using this as a huge blessing. I would never have been seen for the other problems I have been having had I not been pregnant because I had no health insurance. I know life will be extremely difficult with a third child, heck 2 is difficult. But it will also bring joy and be a blessing!
The worse part though of being pregnant is not the constant pain and throwing up, it's the stupid hormones that always mess with ya! Everything can make you cry! And you can feel so hopeless and helpless, especially when you really don't have anyone there for you. I hate it! It's worse than going through a divorce in a sense. For me it was easier to get a divorce than go through this, because I know the truth of it all!
Maybe it's time to just stop everything. To stop looking, to stop wondering, to stop questioning and just be. Just be me. Just be the girl I once was and lost.
Here's something weird. There once was a man who made me feel like I was worth so much more! He made me really believe in myself. I trusted him. That was for a season though because this great friend, walked away. But within that time, it made me grow and just learn to be on my own. It was when I was confident and self assured that I met Ryan. Geez! But, going through all of this, I have really had to learn to just lean on God and trust Him no matter what happened and no matter how much He took from me! All I ask is that He spare me my children and my life so that I can take care of them.
I guarantee 5 or 6 years from now, we can all look back and actually see what God was doing and laugh! Laugh about all the heartache, tears, and endless trials we've gone through! And who knows where we'll be! But I can promise you this, There's only one way up! And I am figuring out I definitely CAN'T do it on my own!
So, this is the continued thoughts and life of this gal! But who knows how I will feel tomorrow! I can't wait to not be so hormonal! LOL!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Never on TV
Some last thoughts before I head to bed.
I've been teased over the past year by most of my friends that they were going to nominate me to be the next "bachelorette" or at least one of the women for the "bachelor!" I threatened them not to! I really didn't want to go through all of that, all of the dating, jealousy, and competition on national TV. Then January came I found "my night and shining armor, my Prince charming!" Life was so perfect and imaginable! It was like I really was on TV and we were the Brady's or the perfect couple and we were never going to be apart!
Well, my dream turned into a nightmare, one I never saw coming. I was not on national TV, but the pain of rejection hurts just the same, if not more! It was like I had to compete with these other women of his past, and I was not the type of girl who wanted to compete and I hate being jealous! I want to know that I can trust the man I am with.
My dream prince, without a care one day said goodbye forever. I never saw it coming to be honest. I was shocked and the tears poured out! I asked why, to never really get an honest answer. He said I will always be beautiful, but he didn't want me in his life any longer. We hugged for what I saw was the last time and slowly turned around to leave. Here I was pregnant with his baby, and he no longer cared. I didn't care to be on those reality TV shows because I never wanted to fall in love only to have my heart broken the way it was. But my life quickly turned into a nightmare. What those shows don't show you is the after affects of these women who are rejected at the last minute and they are led to believe the whole time that it was her that he loved! They don't show how her heart truly breaks. While the audience all cheers the woman he did choose, they quickly forget the other woman who was just as in love with him, if not more. I had always dreamed of falling in love and the man I fell in love with, he'd be the one and only forever. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was going to school like I was supposed to and being with the kids. I wasn't really looking for love at the time. It just hit me.
I guess I realized a lot about life and myself from this. No, I still never want to be the next "bachelorette" because I don't want to do to men what's happened to me! Maybe there's a purpose in all of this, but to be quite honest, I have no idea. Looking back 10 years from now, maybe I'll know!
Until then, next time you watch one of those reality shows, remember there is a lot more behind the scenes than what you will ever see on TV. There's real life, human emotion and feelings, and broken hearts! I can emphasize with them! I've been there.
I've been teased over the past year by most of my friends that they were going to nominate me to be the next "bachelorette" or at least one of the women for the "bachelor!" I threatened them not to! I really didn't want to go through all of that, all of the dating, jealousy, and competition on national TV. Then January came I found "my night and shining armor, my Prince charming!" Life was so perfect and imaginable! It was like I really was on TV and we were the Brady's or the perfect couple and we were never going to be apart!
Well, my dream turned into a nightmare, one I never saw coming. I was not on national TV, but the pain of rejection hurts just the same, if not more! It was like I had to compete with these other women of his past, and I was not the type of girl who wanted to compete and I hate being jealous! I want to know that I can trust the man I am with.
My dream prince, without a care one day said goodbye forever. I never saw it coming to be honest. I was shocked and the tears poured out! I asked why, to never really get an honest answer. He said I will always be beautiful, but he didn't want me in his life any longer. We hugged for what I saw was the last time and slowly turned around to leave. Here I was pregnant with his baby, and he no longer cared. I didn't care to be on those reality TV shows because I never wanted to fall in love only to have my heart broken the way it was. But my life quickly turned into a nightmare. What those shows don't show you is the after affects of these women who are rejected at the last minute and they are led to believe the whole time that it was her that he loved! They don't show how her heart truly breaks. While the audience all cheers the woman he did choose, they quickly forget the other woman who was just as in love with him, if not more. I had always dreamed of falling in love and the man I fell in love with, he'd be the one and only forever. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was going to school like I was supposed to and being with the kids. I wasn't really looking for love at the time. It just hit me.
I guess I realized a lot about life and myself from this. No, I still never want to be the next "bachelorette" because I don't want to do to men what's happened to me! Maybe there's a purpose in all of this, but to be quite honest, I have no idea. Looking back 10 years from now, maybe I'll know!
Until then, next time you watch one of those reality shows, remember there is a lot more behind the scenes than what you will ever see on TV. There's real life, human emotion and feelings, and broken hearts! I can emphasize with them! I've been there.
Does Music Really Affect You?
Hi all! I've decided to do research and try to write an article or 2 a day about life, children in general. I may include everything from pregnancy to teens. And it will include all topics! So, those of you with children or who are planning on having them hope this helps! Like I said, I will do the research before I post something so that it is valid.
Today's topic is music and children! I know first hand that music does influence how a child interacts and their temperment after birth if certain kinds are played during pregnancy!
Let me explain. . . When I was pregnant with my son, Michael in 2001, I only played the classical station when I was in the car, and listened to it at home. I also played it on my tummy for him when he was active and kicking and it settled him right down.
Now, that Michael is 5 almost 6, the same thing still rings true. If he becomes obnoxious like most 5 year olds in the car, I instantly turn the radio to the Classical station, and he calms right down. He loves watching the baby Einstein movies and listening to the cd's. He'll watch it for hours if I let him and won't get bored. He has been intrigued by it since before birth! Even now he'll sometimes choose a Baby Einstein's movie over all his "cool" ones. Michael has a deep appreciation for this type of music already, and calls the classical station the Einstein station! He pretends he conducting a band or symphony!
While I was pregnant with Alexis, I was going through a different type of lifestyle and my friend's at the time were mostly men or those who loves harder music! I listened to everything from Nervana to Emenem to White Stripes and Incubus! I definitely was in a different sort of mood! I was always surrounded by this type of music and didn't mind it! Every once in a while I threw in Country, but never classical!
When Alexis was barely 2 months of age, we (my family and I) were sitting in Chili's in Hawaii. We noticed something different about my youngest gift! She kept looking up to the ceiling every few minutes as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world! We soon realized she only looked up when the music changed or the song changed to a different one! She could already hear the different beats within the songs and identified them. This continued to grow as she got older! Alexis is now 3 almost 4 and while she'll never sit even 1 minute still for a baby Einstein's movie and classical music doesn't sooth her in the least, she loves the more outgoing music and readily identifies with mommies newest tastes of Nickelback and the like! It is the more upbeat music that will calm her and she will learn all of the words if it catches her attention! One of her favorites is Dreaming by Selena! It's "her" song!
While Michael is more structured and needs schedules and structure or else he can get out of control or whiney, Alexis is more vibrant and outgoing and goes with the flow! It usually doesn't phase her to have to be in a new setting doing something new with people she's never met! She'll go right up to them and say hi, what's your name? I'm Alexis! While Michael tends to shy away from the crowd scene unless he has his sister there as a comfort! Lately, after doing the research I have come to realize a lot of what their temperment is determined in the womb! I was very exclusive with my son and what I listened to, while I was more of a free spirit with Alexis! While Michael has been interested in the complicated things of the world and how things are made or why they work and has wanted to be a doctor since he was barely 3, Alexis is more about just being here and enjoying the moment! She doesn't contemplate things like what she wants to be or how things work! Rather she sees the beauty in things and in quick to read someone's feelings! She genuinely cares about others and with cry if they are and sees punishment even to her brother who just hit her as unfair! She wants the world and the people she knows to be happy! 2 children so close in age and yet so very different.
So, the thought has crossed my mind now knowing all this! What should I do with this child that is inside of me now? Well, I've decided to even everything out when possible! I try to listen to everything nowadays from classical to rock! From soothing and structured to outgoing and easy going! I am not sure what kind of an impact this will have and I guess only time will tell! Though, I've listened to a lot of country more lately, but I haven't found too many studies about the affects that can have! I guess time tells all! So, this is my personal take on the subject, but I will post the research I have done to back the facts of music! Enjoy and choose your music wisely, because IT WILL AFFECT how a children behaves!
Today's topic is music and children! I know first hand that music does influence how a child interacts and their temperment after birth if certain kinds are played during pregnancy!
Let me explain. . . When I was pregnant with my son, Michael in 2001, I only played the classical station when I was in the car, and listened to it at home. I also played it on my tummy for him when he was active and kicking and it settled him right down.
Now, that Michael is 5 almost 6, the same thing still rings true. If he becomes obnoxious like most 5 year olds in the car, I instantly turn the radio to the Classical station, and he calms right down. He loves watching the baby Einstein movies and listening to the cd's. He'll watch it for hours if I let him and won't get bored. He has been intrigued by it since before birth! Even now he'll sometimes choose a Baby Einstein's movie over all his "cool" ones. Michael has a deep appreciation for this type of music already, and calls the classical station the Einstein station! He pretends he conducting a band or symphony!
While I was pregnant with Alexis, I was going through a different type of lifestyle and my friend's at the time were mostly men or those who loves harder music! I listened to everything from Nervana to Emenem to White Stripes and Incubus! I definitely was in a different sort of mood! I was always surrounded by this type of music and didn't mind it! Every once in a while I threw in Country, but never classical!
When Alexis was barely 2 months of age, we (my family and I) were sitting in Chili's in Hawaii. We noticed something different about my youngest gift! She kept looking up to the ceiling every few minutes as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world! We soon realized she only looked up when the music changed or the song changed to a different one! She could already hear the different beats within the songs and identified them. This continued to grow as she got older! Alexis is now 3 almost 4 and while she'll never sit even 1 minute still for a baby Einstein's movie and classical music doesn't sooth her in the least, she loves the more outgoing music and readily identifies with mommies newest tastes of Nickelback and the like! It is the more upbeat music that will calm her and she will learn all of the words if it catches her attention! One of her favorites is Dreaming by Selena! It's "her" song!
While Michael is more structured and needs schedules and structure or else he can get out of control or whiney, Alexis is more vibrant and outgoing and goes with the flow! It usually doesn't phase her to have to be in a new setting doing something new with people she's never met! She'll go right up to them and say hi, what's your name? I'm Alexis! While Michael tends to shy away from the crowd scene unless he has his sister there as a comfort! Lately, after doing the research I have come to realize a lot of what their temperment is determined in the womb! I was very exclusive with my son and what I listened to, while I was more of a free spirit with Alexis! While Michael has been interested in the complicated things of the world and how things are made or why they work and has wanted to be a doctor since he was barely 3, Alexis is more about just being here and enjoying the moment! She doesn't contemplate things like what she wants to be or how things work! Rather she sees the beauty in things and in quick to read someone's feelings! She genuinely cares about others and with cry if they are and sees punishment even to her brother who just hit her as unfair! She wants the world and the people she knows to be happy! 2 children so close in age and yet so very different.
So, the thought has crossed my mind now knowing all this! What should I do with this child that is inside of me now? Well, I've decided to even everything out when possible! I try to listen to everything nowadays from classical to rock! From soothing and structured to outgoing and easy going! I am not sure what kind of an impact this will have and I guess only time will tell! Though, I've listened to a lot of country more lately, but I haven't found too many studies about the affects that can have! I guess time tells all! So, this is my personal take on the subject, but I will post the research I have done to back the facts of music! Enjoy and choose your music wisely, because IT WILL AFFECT how a children behaves!
Surrounded by people, yet so very alone!
I realized this morning for the first time that I will be alone with this next one. I think that the realization hit me when I was reading Parents and Child Magazines this morning. They talk about having 2 or 3 babies and how easy it is. But they also mentioned how great it was having the dad around and how helpful he was! As I read these articles, tears came to my eyes. It talked about how wonderful it was to have a loving and helping husband there to share everything. It talked about how both the mother and father were able to enjoy the children's "firsts" together and how the family grew in love! This brought their family closer together! Not one article in the 5 different baby magazines (Parents, Parenting, American Baby, Child, Infant and Child), did I find where there was a story of a single mom raising 3 on her own. I have at least 2 years of magazines (I hardly had time to read because of school so I saved them for times like these where I have a little bit of free time) and I couldn't find anything regarding my situation. These articles talked about how being a family and sharing in the things together drew the mother and father closer to one another and they loved each other more!
Not in my case. I know that Ryan wants to be at the birth (if he shows) but beyond that I have no one to share these experiences with. No one to to go to when I am exhausted. I of course have 2 others that will be demanding my attention as well. With that and school full time (I do not have the luxury of staying home, as I have to be a full time student, or else I have to pay back all my student loans and there's no possible way I can do that right now!) how am I supposed to juggle all of this? I know first hand how it's like to be up every 2 or 3 hours nursing the baby at night, so with little to no sleep and no help whatsoever from Ryan, I am for the fist time scared. While I don't have to deal with the things like having 2 in diapers again at the same time, I have new things that are even more constant like fight for my attention from the 2 older ones when I am not breaking up the fights or trying to do homework.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a greater reason for God having let Ryan walk away, but I honestly wish I knew. The honest truth is, I wish he were going to be around to help with the midnight feedings and to be there when the baby starts to crawl and walk and eats it's first bites! I want him to be there for it's first words and share in with the tears and the laughter! Is it so wrong to wish that the father were a part of the family? Maybe? Maybe in this case it is. I know that David said he'd be there for the birth if I wanted him the be and be there for everything after, but deep in my heart I want Ryan there. He's the dad. I guess all of this is hitting me because I know that while he may be present at the birth, he doesn't plan on attending Lamaze with me. I will still go through all the pain and labor alone. Completely alone. I don't really want a show of people present, not til after, but I do really want Ryan there and I want to know that he'll be there for me in this, which I can't possibly know. I am counting on him being completely absent however. Since we broke up I haven't been able to count on him for anything. I am not even sure he'll show for the ultrasound like he said he would.
I guess with getting ready to know the sex this Friday, it becomes absolutely real. Not that it isn't already, but the truth of the aloneness has hit and that is as real as a cold, stiff, dead body. Some of you may wonder, why in the world is she comparing laboring and raising children alone to death, well that's how it feels as times. As if there is no one there. In a sense everyone is around you, but no one can possibly quite understand it all. No one really stops to ask what they can do. And all the while you are still present. You go through the pain. I love my children, but I so desire for God to give me a husband to share all of this with!
To be honest, I've contemplated David's proposals of life together. I know he is a great man that would never cheat. I know he'd take care of me and genuinely cares. But I so desperately want a man after God's own heart as well. So I wonder, is it even possible to have both? Is it possible to have a father to the kids, a husband to me and one that will take care of us and love us unconditionally and a man after God's own heart? Or do I have to really give one or 2 for the other? I know now that Ryan is definitely not perfect, in fact I've learned quite a bit about him this past week that shocks me. And to be honest, Friday morning as I lied in bed, I gently heard God's voice asking me if I wanted my life like this? If I really did want Ryan or if I just liked the idea of having him there. I contemplated it and said that if Ryan were to love me and the children again completely and only us then yes. But within that I felt so alone. I knew that God was saying that I was in for a long road of being alone. I knew at that moment that God was not going to bring him back. So, I was left with confusion. I was left feeling alone and abandoned.
So many people have written to me saying to hang in there and that God has someone for me right around the corner! They say not to loose heart because there is something so much better than what Ryan can give me and I will find it again soon! I've heard several very encouraging stories and I have even heard some of heartache and trial that turn to blessings and love! So, I have to wonder, why do I feel so alone in all of this? Why do I feel as if there is NO light at the end of my tunnel like everyone else's? Why do I feel like I am just living life, day to day with loneliness? I love my children, all 3 of them deeply! I want to be the best mom there is! But I also know that in order for me to be a wonderful mom I need a husband that will balance me and be the father so that I can be a great mom! I have no doubtedly been the mother and the father to both Michael and Alexis pretty much their whole lives. I'm trying the best I can, but when you have to always be the "meany mommy" like they call me when they are in trouble, I can't be the nice mommy. I have to constantly be the dad in their lives and the one the disciplines and that is very wearing on me. I don't wish to be the dad. They need a dad and a male role model. I can only do what is in me to do, and still try to have the patience to love them when I am at my wits end and feel frustrated and ready to throw up my arms. I am constantly trying to be a better mom, but there are times where I have lost my temper! There are times when I am ready to give up! My son sometimes becomes very aggressive and that is because he doesn't have a real father role model to teach him otherwise. My daughter has become very clingy at times and I don't know what I am going to do when the baby comes. They both want my attention all the time at the same time! Who do I give it to? Who wins time with mommy when it's only me? I am so tired these days too! It was so wonderful when Ryan was around because he'd step in and be a father to them. They listened to him and when mommy needed help, he'd help! We were a great team with the kids! A team that children need. When I was doing something with one he'd take the other. Or when I took the girls potty, he'd take Mikey. We took turns making getting them ready and we always were a team when it came to making their meals and putting them to bed. Life was so much calmer and happier when the 2 of us were together! So, yes of course I am frustrated with God at times for taking him from me. That is the kind of husband and wife team that God calls us to be and that the children desperately need! That is the kind of husband I desire to want in my life. Maybe it's all an illusion? Who knows now. Maybe I am supposed to live my life as a single mom raising these children on my own. Maybe it'll be the struggles that I go through to survive, cope and still be the best mom I can be that will someday teach others how to make it.
It's funny really, because last night David asked me if I was excited about school and wanted to go back. He asked how long I had left. I said with all of this and the unknown that the baby brings, I have no idea. I told him it's hard studying for the MCAT when I don't have all the courses I need to study for it yet! He said not to give up, to keep focused because regardless the children will need this. If I hold onto my dream of med school then I still will have something regardless of being alone. And yet I know I won't be alone if I choose to open my heart to David. I am so afraid of truly loving him knowing he doesn't believe in Christ! But I want to know that if we were together that he'd still bring the kids up in a Christian home! I want him to be a part of the things we do and that's so important to me!
I've been really struggling because I am really starting to care for David. I've been closed to him because I am afraid I will start to fall for him, and I don't want to fall for someone again that isn't the one God has for me! My desperate heart cries for God to give me a Christian man! Can David become that? I honestly don't know! There is another man that I have gone out with a few times, a good friend. He is a Christian, but I am cautious to let myself open completely to anyone.
I know that this is long, but these are just the thoughts on my mind and the things I am going through. So yes, I feel so very alone right now! I don't want to have this baby alone and I don't want to raise it alone. But right now, that's the only thing in the cards for me!
Thus the continual story of this gal's life!
Not in my case. I know that Ryan wants to be at the birth (if he shows) but beyond that I have no one to share these experiences with. No one to to go to when I am exhausted. I of course have 2 others that will be demanding my attention as well. With that and school full time (I do not have the luxury of staying home, as I have to be a full time student, or else I have to pay back all my student loans and there's no possible way I can do that right now!) how am I supposed to juggle all of this? I know first hand how it's like to be up every 2 or 3 hours nursing the baby at night, so with little to no sleep and no help whatsoever from Ryan, I am for the fist time scared. While I don't have to deal with the things like having 2 in diapers again at the same time, I have new things that are even more constant like fight for my attention from the 2 older ones when I am not breaking up the fights or trying to do homework.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a greater reason for God having let Ryan walk away, but I honestly wish I knew. The honest truth is, I wish he were going to be around to help with the midnight feedings and to be there when the baby starts to crawl and walk and eats it's first bites! I want him to be there for it's first words and share in with the tears and the laughter! Is it so wrong to wish that the father were a part of the family? Maybe? Maybe in this case it is. I know that David said he'd be there for the birth if I wanted him the be and be there for everything after, but deep in my heart I want Ryan there. He's the dad. I guess all of this is hitting me because I know that while he may be present at the birth, he doesn't plan on attending Lamaze with me. I will still go through all the pain and labor alone. Completely alone. I don't really want a show of people present, not til after, but I do really want Ryan there and I want to know that he'll be there for me in this, which I can't possibly know. I am counting on him being completely absent however. Since we broke up I haven't been able to count on him for anything. I am not even sure he'll show for the ultrasound like he said he would.
I guess with getting ready to know the sex this Friday, it becomes absolutely real. Not that it isn't already, but the truth of the aloneness has hit and that is as real as a cold, stiff, dead body. Some of you may wonder, why in the world is she comparing laboring and raising children alone to death, well that's how it feels as times. As if there is no one there. In a sense everyone is around you, but no one can possibly quite understand it all. No one really stops to ask what they can do. And all the while you are still present. You go through the pain. I love my children, but I so desire for God to give me a husband to share all of this with!
To be honest, I've contemplated David's proposals of life together. I know he is a great man that would never cheat. I know he'd take care of me and genuinely cares. But I so desperately want a man after God's own heart as well. So I wonder, is it even possible to have both? Is it possible to have a father to the kids, a husband to me and one that will take care of us and love us unconditionally and a man after God's own heart? Or do I have to really give one or 2 for the other? I know now that Ryan is definitely not perfect, in fact I've learned quite a bit about him this past week that shocks me. And to be honest, Friday morning as I lied in bed, I gently heard God's voice asking me if I wanted my life like this? If I really did want Ryan or if I just liked the idea of having him there. I contemplated it and said that if Ryan were to love me and the children again completely and only us then yes. But within that I felt so alone. I knew that God was saying that I was in for a long road of being alone. I knew at that moment that God was not going to bring him back. So, I was left with confusion. I was left feeling alone and abandoned.
So many people have written to me saying to hang in there and that God has someone for me right around the corner! They say not to loose heart because there is something so much better than what Ryan can give me and I will find it again soon! I've heard several very encouraging stories and I have even heard some of heartache and trial that turn to blessings and love! So, I have to wonder, why do I feel so alone in all of this? Why do I feel as if there is NO light at the end of my tunnel like everyone else's? Why do I feel like I am just living life, day to day with loneliness? I love my children, all 3 of them deeply! I want to be the best mom there is! But I also know that in order for me to be a wonderful mom I need a husband that will balance me and be the father so that I can be a great mom! I have no doubtedly been the mother and the father to both Michael and Alexis pretty much their whole lives. I'm trying the best I can, but when you have to always be the "meany mommy" like they call me when they are in trouble, I can't be the nice mommy. I have to constantly be the dad in their lives and the one the disciplines and that is very wearing on me. I don't wish to be the dad. They need a dad and a male role model. I can only do what is in me to do, and still try to have the patience to love them when I am at my wits end and feel frustrated and ready to throw up my arms. I am constantly trying to be a better mom, but there are times where I have lost my temper! There are times when I am ready to give up! My son sometimes becomes very aggressive and that is because he doesn't have a real father role model to teach him otherwise. My daughter has become very clingy at times and I don't know what I am going to do when the baby comes. They both want my attention all the time at the same time! Who do I give it to? Who wins time with mommy when it's only me? I am so tired these days too! It was so wonderful when Ryan was around because he'd step in and be a father to them. They listened to him and when mommy needed help, he'd help! We were a great team with the kids! A team that children need. When I was doing something with one he'd take the other. Or when I took the girls potty, he'd take Mikey. We took turns making getting them ready and we always were a team when it came to making their meals and putting them to bed. Life was so much calmer and happier when the 2 of us were together! So, yes of course I am frustrated with God at times for taking him from me. That is the kind of husband and wife team that God calls us to be and that the children desperately need! That is the kind of husband I desire to want in my life. Maybe it's all an illusion? Who knows now. Maybe I am supposed to live my life as a single mom raising these children on my own. Maybe it'll be the struggles that I go through to survive, cope and still be the best mom I can be that will someday teach others how to make it.
It's funny really, because last night David asked me if I was excited about school and wanted to go back. He asked how long I had left. I said with all of this and the unknown that the baby brings, I have no idea. I told him it's hard studying for the MCAT when I don't have all the courses I need to study for it yet! He said not to give up, to keep focused because regardless the children will need this. If I hold onto my dream of med school then I still will have something regardless of being alone. And yet I know I won't be alone if I choose to open my heart to David. I am so afraid of truly loving him knowing he doesn't believe in Christ! But I want to know that if we were together that he'd still bring the kids up in a Christian home! I want him to be a part of the things we do and that's so important to me!
I've been really struggling because I am really starting to care for David. I've been closed to him because I am afraid I will start to fall for him, and I don't want to fall for someone again that isn't the one God has for me! My desperate heart cries for God to give me a Christian man! Can David become that? I honestly don't know! There is another man that I have gone out with a few times, a good friend. He is a Christian, but I am cautious to let myself open completely to anyone.
I know that this is long, but these are just the thoughts on my mind and the things I am going through. So yes, I feel so very alone right now! I don't want to have this baby alone and I don't want to raise it alone. But right now, that's the only thing in the cards for me!
Thus the continual story of this gal's life!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Have I gone through enough yet, God?
Hi all! I wasn't going to share, because let's face it, there's been a ton of things that have gone wrong with this pregnancy!
It's been the toughest pregnancy I have ever had! When I first got pregnant, I was also diagnosed with Crohne's Disease. I had to sign a form saying if it comes down to it, they save either my life or the baby's. I have been bleeding and vomiting since I fist conceived. They had no real reason for all the blood loss. I was even told I couldn't fly to Vegas if it continued. It stopped for the week that we went and started a week after we returned.
I've been in and out of the hospital with different problems. There's been the scares such as when the doctor told me the baby had open spinal bifida and then finding out I lost the twin. At one time I lost so much blood, I was tagged with a special band and put on the transfusion list in case they had to do surgery since my blood count was so low!
Not that it matters but with having things happen with Ryan the way that they did had also put my body in stress and the baby underwent a lot of stress aswell so I had to get a stress test done!
Well, This Thursday, I was back yet again at the hospital. Yes, only one day later!
I woke up bleeding. Let's just say that I had lost so much blood that they thought I'd miscarried altogether! I was really scared and in a lot of pain! Come to find out there is a tear in the lining of the uterus. If I kept bleeding at the rate I was, I would have lost the baby not to mention a huge possibility of my own life. The doctors couldn't believe how much I was losing as quickly as I was! The looks on their faces alone scared me! They had to stop it immediately. I was given a shot in an unmentionable place and it worked! Friday night I finally stopped bleeding for the most part. But it left behind severe pain and burning! I've never felt this kind of pain in my life! I regretted even going the bathroom because this was worse than when I tore when I had Mike.
I am now under strict orders as to NO exercise, no swimming or soaking in water (baths are now out and that is what was easing my back pain and contractions!), etc. It's a waiting game now to see if the lining will heal itself as it did when I tore with Mike. Although it wasn't this severe with him. I am praying God works yet another miracle and I heal quickly!
When I finally think I am good to go and things are great, God gives me another challenge, and it always seems much more of one than the one before!
I am also starting to dilate and that isn't good! Well, I guess God knows what He's doing! Maybe He's preparing me for the pain I am going to experience with giving birth in just a few short months, since I want to try and do it naturally!
So, if you feel like praying, you can pray everything heals and there are NO more problems! Because on top of this school starts in a few weeks, and I am trying to deal with the children (I'll explain later), not to mention just trying to get through the days trusting that God knows what He's doing with my "love life!" Yes, truth is, I am scared to death to have this one without a husband! This is NOT how I wanted it or planned it! Yes, someday I wanted 4 children, but I wanted it to be with a loving husband!
However, I've read in Child magazine an article that was just done based on research that says families with 3-5 children are more adjusted, well rounded and have a better chance of survival! This included single parent families. In fact the are showing that if you are single parent family with 3 or more, the children will adapt better because they have each other! I guess time will tell!
Well, that's what's happening with me! Take Care all!
Worried,
Bri
It's been the toughest pregnancy I have ever had! When I first got pregnant, I was also diagnosed with Crohne's Disease. I had to sign a form saying if it comes down to it, they save either my life or the baby's. I have been bleeding and vomiting since I fist conceived. They had no real reason for all the blood loss. I was even told I couldn't fly to Vegas if it continued. It stopped for the week that we went and started a week after we returned.
I've been in and out of the hospital with different problems. There's been the scares such as when the doctor told me the baby had open spinal bifida and then finding out I lost the twin. At one time I lost so much blood, I was tagged with a special band and put on the transfusion list in case they had to do surgery since my blood count was so low!
Not that it matters but with having things happen with Ryan the way that they did had also put my body in stress and the baby underwent a lot of stress aswell so I had to get a stress test done!
Well, This Thursday, I was back yet again at the hospital. Yes, only one day later!
I woke up bleeding. Let's just say that I had lost so much blood that they thought I'd miscarried altogether! I was really scared and in a lot of pain! Come to find out there is a tear in the lining of the uterus. If I kept bleeding at the rate I was, I would have lost the baby not to mention a huge possibility of my own life. The doctors couldn't believe how much I was losing as quickly as I was! The looks on their faces alone scared me! They had to stop it immediately. I was given a shot in an unmentionable place and it worked! Friday night I finally stopped bleeding for the most part. But it left behind severe pain and burning! I've never felt this kind of pain in my life! I regretted even going the bathroom because this was worse than when I tore when I had Mike.
I am now under strict orders as to NO exercise, no swimming or soaking in water (baths are now out and that is what was easing my back pain and contractions!), etc. It's a waiting game now to see if the lining will heal itself as it did when I tore with Mike. Although it wasn't this severe with him. I am praying God works yet another miracle and I heal quickly!
When I finally think I am good to go and things are great, God gives me another challenge, and it always seems much more of one than the one before!
I am also starting to dilate and that isn't good! Well, I guess God knows what He's doing! Maybe He's preparing me for the pain I am going to experience with giving birth in just a few short months, since I want to try and do it naturally!
So, if you feel like praying, you can pray everything heals and there are NO more problems! Because on top of this school starts in a few weeks, and I am trying to deal with the children (I'll explain later), not to mention just trying to get through the days trusting that God knows what He's doing with my "love life!" Yes, truth is, I am scared to death to have this one without a husband! This is NOT how I wanted it or planned it! Yes, someday I wanted 4 children, but I wanted it to be with a loving husband!
However, I've read in Child magazine an article that was just done based on research that says families with 3-5 children are more adjusted, well rounded and have a better chance of survival! This included single parent families. In fact the are showing that if you are single parent family with 3 or more, the children will adapt better because they have each other! I guess time will tell!
Well, that's what's happening with me! Take Care all!
Worried,
Bri
Loving Life
I just have to say, I had the best day I've had in over 2 months this past Thursday night and Friday morning and afternoon! Ry and I started talking again and it was a great convo! I won't say anything else, but was all smiles and the happiest I'd been in a while!
Loving Life! Loving this baby! Loving my kids! And Loving God!
Loving Life! Loving this baby! Loving my kids! And Loving God!
I'm So Excited!
Hi! We just got back from camping late this afternoon! It was a blast! I'll write about it later, since I am so exhausted!
But I wanted to say, wow! I can't believe I am already 5 months pregnant! Where did the time go? Yes, I am still due on Christmas morning!
Ryan and I will find out Friday what the sex of our baby is! We talked about it last Friday and are both excited! We got a chance to discuss a lot of things actually and it was a good conversation. The best one we've had in a few months. It's like we were old friends again! He said he won't be disappointed if it's a girl which is a HUGE relief! But I still think we both want a boy. But whatever it is we both will love!
We aren't where we use to be, but at least we are talking and whatnot again which is great because our baby will need that! I don't want any tension between he and I like there is with most people who have a child together and aren't together any longer. As of now I know that things won't change as far as us ever getting back together again. But I do still care and will be there for him when he needs me to be.
He plans on being there when our child is born which I am so grateful for. I am going to ask if he wants to cut the umbilical cord after the appointment Friday. I still hope that he plays a huge part in the baby's life regardless of what happens between us. I had a few men just recently ask if we ended up together if they could adopt it as their child. Of course I will not allow this. I will never take that right away from Ryan, regardless. He truly is a great daddy! When his daughter was born, he was the one up all night with her feeding her and changing her and rocking her. He has always loved his daughter, and I can only hope he is the same with our child! But time will tell. He still has a lot of decisions and choices to make though!
Until then, I am SO excited! I can't wait until the ultrasound this Friday! Just thought I'd share!
Love you all!
Bri
But I wanted to say, wow! I can't believe I am already 5 months pregnant! Where did the time go? Yes, I am still due on Christmas morning!
Ryan and I will find out Friday what the sex of our baby is! We talked about it last Friday and are both excited! We got a chance to discuss a lot of things actually and it was a good conversation. The best one we've had in a few months. It's like we were old friends again! He said he won't be disappointed if it's a girl which is a HUGE relief! But I still think we both want a boy. But whatever it is we both will love!
We aren't where we use to be, but at least we are talking and whatnot again which is great because our baby will need that! I don't want any tension between he and I like there is with most people who have a child together and aren't together any longer. As of now I know that things won't change as far as us ever getting back together again. But I do still care and will be there for him when he needs me to be.
He plans on being there when our child is born which I am so grateful for. I am going to ask if he wants to cut the umbilical cord after the appointment Friday. I still hope that he plays a huge part in the baby's life regardless of what happens between us. I had a few men just recently ask if we ended up together if they could adopt it as their child. Of course I will not allow this. I will never take that right away from Ryan, regardless. He truly is a great daddy! When his daughter was born, he was the one up all night with her feeding her and changing her and rocking her. He has always loved his daughter, and I can only hope he is the same with our child! But time will tell. He still has a lot of decisions and choices to make though!
Until then, I am SO excited! I can't wait until the ultrasound this Friday! Just thought I'd share!
Love you all!
Bri
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