Just some thoughts. . . .Hormones

Hi! Well, I've been gone pretty much the whole day! I didn't fall back to sleep until 6 or so and was up at 2ish! Sigh. . . it makes for long days when you get up at 8! And oh how I was dragging this morning!

I had an ultrasound done because they want to see what all is wrong with me since I've been in so much pain. No, they didn't look at the baby! : ( It was pretty boring. At least until she said to go to the docs as soon as possible to hear the results. . . sigh. . . here we go again! I asked if what good or bad and they said they can't say. Darn it! However they did say I was the smallest person they'd seen that is 5 months pregnant and I hardly look it! So it that good or bad? I've barely gained 4 or 5 pounds total! But this 1 pound a week thing scares me! LOL! I know darn sure the baby will not come out weighing 20+ pounds! HMMM! I know, I know, it all is supposed to add up, but I hate putting on extra weight I can't get off later! : (

After that we went shopping at Ikea, which drained me!

Then I took Mike to get his hair cut and then we finally just stepped in the door! For a pregnant gal that is high risk, this isn't good!

So, on to more interesting things. . . Before yesterday, there was never really an option as to whether or not to get my BA. I just was going to! Then yesterday, everything seemed clouded and the tables suddenly turned!! When I found out Ryan quit his job (equaling no child support) and knowing that my parents don't want to help forever, I felt trapped. There was really no other options! A bachelor's is pretty worthless these days without a masters or graduate degree of some sort. That is unless you want to make 40 grand and under a year. Being a single mom with soon to be 3 children to raise on my own that is not a good income! However, neither is a hair dresser's income! I didn't want to sidestep and get sidetracked on yet another year that wasn't going towards my BA. It was such a relief when David told me it'd be stupid to quit now! Yes, getting my BA is only one step! And there are times like now I wish I were done! But, to have others say not to give up really helps! As for now, I am still enrolled to get my BA at PLU. We'll see after this semester because I will have a new baby!

Even if I don't end up with David, I'll still be glad I did move on.

And on that note, a good friend of mine, one of my best friends gave me some really good wisdom. I told him everything that was going on, and he pointed out the obvious. I knew as much, but didn't want to come to the fact that Ryan will never be there for us. He's not ready to grow up and take responsibility as a full time dad. Yes, while I will always love him, I've realized that I am letting him go because he wants his freedom. I can't nor will I ask him to come back. I am done with that situation. I just can't see my life going that direction any longer. And the reality hurts. It stings worse than a bee sting, and I am allergic! LOL! In all seriousness though, I know God has the kids and I destined for more than this. . .

As far as David goes, I will remain friends with him, but I need to stand on my own as my friend said. I need to be my own confident persona that I once was, not leaning on any men. I think it was because I was so afraid! The last thing I need to do or nt to do is rush into any kind of relationship right now! I need to focus now on my children, taking care of myself which means destressing, and school! I don't need a man to define who I am or what I am! I know that somewhere inside of me, I am that strong, confident woman that I once was. I think I have let men dictate too long what I was to be or who I was to be. I always listened to them, and hey I ended up with brown hair, something I would've NEVER done in the past for any man! My children need a role model to look up to, and if I am constantly seeking or needing a man's approval, they will feel they need to as well.

Being pregnant, is the biggest blessing in disguise! Yes, while it was not right that Ryan and I did have sex before marriage, God is using this as a huge blessing. I would never have been seen for the other problems I have been having had I not been pregnant because I had no health insurance. I know life will be extremely difficult with a third child, heck 2 is difficult. But it will also bring joy and be a blessing!

The worse part though of being pregnant is not the constant pain and throwing up, it's the stupid hormones that always mess with ya! Everything can make you cry! And you can feel so hopeless and helpless, especially when you really don't have anyone there for you. I hate it! It's worse than going through a divorce in a sense. For me it was easier to get a divorce than go through this, because I know the truth of it all!

Maybe it's time to just stop everything. To stop looking, to stop wondering, to stop questioning and just be. Just be me. Just be the girl I once was and lost.

Here's something weird. There once was a man who made me feel like I was worth so much more! He made me really believe in myself. I trusted him. That was for a season though because this great friend, walked away. But within that time, it made me grow and just learn to be on my own. It was when I was confident and self assured that I met Ryan. Geez! But, going through all of this, I have really had to learn to just lean on God and trust Him no matter what happened and no matter how much He took from me! All I ask is that He spare me my children and my life so that I can take care of them.

I guarantee 5 or 6 years from now, we can all look back and actually see what God was doing and laugh! Laugh about all the heartache, tears, and endless trials we've gone through! And who knows where we'll be! But I can promise you this, There's only one way up! And I am figuring out I definitely CAN'T do it on my own!

So, this is the continued thoughts and life of this gal! But who knows how I will feel tomorrow! I can't wait to not be so hormonal! LOL!