Just Thoughts. . . . What to do?

Good Morning all! Today I am in better spirits! I went to bed pretty early, I think before 9, because I started contractions again yesterday. I was thinking geez, she just doesn't want to stay in! Now it's a battle of the wills, well until either my water breaks or they absolutely have to take her out due to complications! But my dad mentioned it was a full moon last night and that may be why it started again! I was thinking this can't be good!

So, it made me start thinking about what will happen or what I will want at the birth. The truth is, I still do want Ryan to be there. He is the father, after all and I want him to cut the cord! He still doesn't know if he'll be there or if he'll even want to be in her life. This of course is frustrating and it does hurt. I don't really want to go through this whole thing alone, but I just may be facing that. It took us both to create her, so why can't we both be there for her? I guess God knows what He's doing and all I know is that she will be a blessing and a joy to me! I just need God's peace now, because he's pretty much absent again. He comes and goes as he pleases. I just know that if he does this with Izzy, I won't be able to handle it. I can't stand to see her waiting by the window for daddy to come pick her up only for him to never show and for her to cry and ask me why daddy doesn't want her! I have had the experience of this on more than one occasion when my son was younger. It pained me to see the sadness and abandonment in his eyes. Alexis was too young to understand, but as soon as Mikey was 2 he did know that daddy forgot him again. I can't bear to see Isabella go through this too! But, how can I protect her from that?

Life would've been wonderful if we had gotten married or were going to. But he choose not to have that life. He chose to walk away from 2 children that love and adore him and his daughter. He chose to walk away from me and I loved him unconditionally! So, now I find myself picking up the broken pieces of my children's hearts from all of this! How life should've been better. But is life ever fair? Children often are affected the most. As much as my heart broke and breaks, I can't even imagine the confusion they are going through and the abandonment. They just ask why Ryan stopped loving us. I can't give them a reason. I don't even know. . .

So, now I must rely on God and His peace. Hopefully in time, life works itself out!

One of my friends jokenly said going from being with Ryan to going out with David and how David really likes me, that I'd be going from rags to riches. I thought about that. I knew that when I was with Ryan, it wasn't because of the money. I knew our life was going to be tough in the beginning as we'd have to just save and not have everything we wanted, but I also knew that was what would've drew our family closer together, because we would've done things together more with the kids. We would've counted and relied on each other and we would've been happy. If in time I do end up with David, I know I'll never have to worry about money. It just isn't an issue with him. I know because I told him to me right now 200 is a lot, and he said it was pennies. But I also know I didn't want that either. I want a husband who will be around! I want a real family. I had that with Ryan.

My mom said it'll be hard to fill the place of Ryan and the love I have for him. But I can't wait forever. So, yes, I wait and Trust God for His miracles! And yes, I will take the advice of my friend. I will just focus on the kids! I will focus on school. It will be hard, but I believe with school starting next week, it'll be much easier. I know, I know . . . you must be thinking, not again. Not for the millionth time. . . But this is what was on my mind this morning. And yes, I am giving Ryan into God's hands. Because I know that we will never have a family. I know he'll never choose the love of just me, one woman who would love him without reservation. I know that he'll never choose the love of my 2 and to become a daddy to them, to be able to take Mikey out on Men's trips and do father son things. I know that he won't choose the love of his own daughter, who would adore and love her daddy and her older sissy, Jadyn. He won't because he can't let his past go. He did once, and then he became afraid and turned his back on what he had with us and what was real.

So, once again this is my life. . . .

I know in time I will make the right decision. Because it's not about just me. I have my children to think about as well. They need a daddy who will be there and not walk away.

But I am glad we can remain friends. That will be good for his daughter, our daughter. It just sad is all. : (

Until that day, God give me peace!

Contemplating Life,

Bri