Baby Update and Behind the love Scenes

Good Morning! Or should I say afternoon? I finally am feeling Isabella Kick, this morning. That is a good sign my midwife said. However, My whole left side was in so much pain last night, I couldn't move. In fact it took my breath away. I am trying to stay off the pain meds though, because I need to make sure Izzy is still active. So I haven't used any of them for a a week now. However, the breathlessness is still there and I still feel as if something is still off. I have pain in my abdomen and the contractions come and go as well as the backache. I am still dilating and effacing. I am now over 50% effaced and that is not good. What that means is that my cervix is halfway thinned. As soon as I am 100% effaced and past a 7 in Dilation there is no returning. I have to have Izzy.

I haven't really talked with Ryan about this, because well he doesn't know what he wants let alone what he wants to do. I have accepted the fact he and I will never get back together. He doesn't love me like he should nor do I think he is capable of it! I just hope he doesn't walk away from Izzy.

Yes, I miss being in his arms and having him hold me as we gaze into each other's eyes. That was just last week. I remember washing my hands and I asked him what he wanted and he said to join him because he wanted to hold me again. I went and laid in his arms, while he stroke my hair. I sighed with happiness. Then I looked up at him into his eyes and he asked what I was looking at and I said you, how handsome you are. Then I rested my head back down on him chest. As he stroked my hair again he said I could look at him anytime I wanted. We laid there for a minute and then I finally gazed into his eyes and he met me with a tender kiss. We lost ourselves in each other with kisses We laughed and it was as if things never changed! I won't go into anymore detail because well it's in the book I am writing! LOL! But we ended up talking about life and what we were going to do with baby Izzy. We ended up parting on great terms and he walked me to my car and held me then gently kissed me goodbye. he said he'd call me.

I knew though as I drove away that was it. There was no more. We were done. Though my heart still belongs to him I know now it'll never be anything more. Because when we talked yesterday I knew. I was so sad. I know I am just being played, but how can I not love him? How do I possibly get over him? So many questions, yet there answers are not clear. The only thing completely clear is that we will never be back together. Anyhow, That is life with baby and behind the scenes with Ryan.