Torn, the baby, & choices

Good Evening. . . I know it's taken me a day to write, but alas I finally am. So yes, yesterday was Isabella's ultrasound. She is still not weighing in at a pound yet which has the doctors somewhat concerned. Other than that, she is on target for her age growth. She has long legs though! And boy do I feel them kick!

I was really happy that Ryan did come. That alone made my whole day. I do want him to connect with his daughter. He said he is still unsure of things and doesn't know what he's going to do. I do so much want them to have that father, daughter bond, but he has to be the one to initiate it. It was so good seeing him though and talking with him. We ended things on a good note, but I am still so cautious, because my eyes have been opened, and I just can't trust again. Not yet. I am not saying that we will get back together, because that is out of the cards. He still is with or is dating or whatever he wants to call it, that woman he left me, the kids and his baby for. He has told me he is not, but if he is still hanging out with her, that means he has made his decision. Maybe it's selfish, but I just can't nor want her near my baby girl. And if I know she is in his life at all, I won't want him taking Isabella. She is mine. She is the whole reason he and I are no longer together, so there is no way I want her near my daughter. She ruined things. Everything, in fact. Is it so wrong to want that?

Then David called last night. He and I talked for a long time. He seems somewhat worried about Ryan coming back into my life, but I told him there is no chance of that. That Ryan will never come back in, because he has no idea what he wants, nor do I want that. I know that I want to be with a man who knows what he wants. As good as it was to be in Ryan's arms when he hugged me yesterday, I need more than that, and he can't give me that. So, David really has no threats or worries. I know the longer Ryan and I remain apart, the more I will pull away and be guarded. But I know now, that this is life and it's not going to happen. I've dealt with it. Now I just have to protect my heart.

So, I have 18 weeks to think about things. I mean at the most. Izzy is due by then. And well, when she is born that will be the deadline. The last chance Ryan will have to know what he wants to do. But if that woman is in his life, it doesn't matter.

Anyhow, I am torn, because I like talking with Ryan and being friends again, but that comes and goes on his whim. I hate that. I don't like being played. Or this wide-eyed girl who has hope, but knows there really is no hope.

Confused. . .

Bri