Painting. . . Changing colors, changing lives

Hi! I thought I'd take a quick break from painting! I'm waiting for the first coat to dry so that I can finish the pink today! Yes, I am painting Alexis' new room! Since we moved Michael upstairs so that the baby could be downstairs next to me, Alexis wanted a "new room" too! So, I am putting her in Michael's old room and painting pink and a light yellow and we bought all new things for her room to give it a whole new "big girl" look! She is going from princess stuff to ballet! This way it can grow with her and not be so little girlish! She is so excited to have a baby sister coming! Michael, however wasn't too thrilled at first! He said, "Oh man, not another girl!" LOL! My poor son, is going to be surrounded by girls! He wanted a boy so that it was even! Oh, well! God gave us what He new we should have! My cousin Julie, said however, oh no, not another one! She'll be into makeup by 2! She has a little boy Alexis' age. Yes, my daughter Alexis thinks she needs "makeup" already! She won't go anywhere without her lip gloss! Now she definitely doesn't get this from me! LOL! I am usually natural unless I am going out with a guy or something! But with Alexis as an older sister, Izzy will no doubt be pampered! Yes, Michael is already calling her baby Izzy! This is good, because we can't have two sissy's as that would be too confusing!

So, onto more interesting things. . .

Lately David and I've been talking a lot! We are always laughing together and whatnot! On Thursday I told him I was excited to see the sex of my baby the next morning! He then corrected me with you mean "our baby?" LOL! He truly does like me and I have to say he seems really excited that I am having a baby! We then talked about names and I told him what I would name it. He relayed to me he does NOT like the name Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl! However, I told him he'll have to get use to it if it is a girl because I LOVE that name! He sighed.

So, yesterday I told him the sex of the baby and he said again "our baby!" I have a feeling that he's going to want to be very involved with it! However, I don't plan on getting serious with anyone again any time soon. For crying out loud, I am having a baby from a man I still love somewhat, regardless of the past and what has happened. I do like David, but he also knows that I want to take things slow because I am not ready for that right now.

Yesterday, Ryan and I talked quite a bit, in fact probably most of the morning and afternoon and some in the late evening. We talked about the baby and he said he was excited as well. I told him he better be at the baby's birth though or he was hot water! We laughed together a lot and it was almost like old times. But deep in my heart I knew it wasn't and never would be again.

I honestly have no idea why this is happening. Usually when things end, they end. Right? I mean now that I am finally to a point where I am OK to be on my own and not need or have to have or even want a guy in my life, He comes back around. Not completely, but it went from no communication to laughing together again within a week. I did see him more recently only once. And it was great to see him. But at the same time there was an emptiness inside me where there use to be joy when he hugged me! I was so torn because in that time I went from wanting to stay in his arms forever, to not sure if I wanted this life any longer. What I mean by that is, I don't want to just "be there" whenever he wants. I want to be the ONLY woman in his life and right now I know that isn't the case. When he gently kissed me, I wanted to loose myself in him but all I could see was images of him with other women. I am not stupid any longer nor am I naive. Yes, I do want him back, but I need my space and time now. And I would only take him back after he's proven to me that it is only me and only ever will be me! That means NO OTHER WOMEN! As much as I miss him and would support whatever decisions he'd make, I can't go back to being toyed with. I've moved on with my life! I think the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time was to walk away from him the other day. Trust me, I wanted to stay with him, and just loose myself in his embrace, but I knew better. I knew it was now just a fantasy and I was one of many. So, I tore myself away from him and with all my strength I told him goodbye and walked out the door. I didn't look back because I didn't want to cry. I knew as I got into my car that may be it. I questioned myself if I had done the right thing. I thought if only we could work things out and go back to the days when we were so in love and it was pure and innocent! But I knew better. After several years and just growing up, I knew that things never go back to the way the were.

As my mother and I walked into Target this morning, we were talking about Ryan. She told me I had it good with David. I told her, I'd still take Ryan though because my heart belonged to him. However, I wouldn't take him back until he could prove to me he had changed completely. I told her I'd wouldn't even contemplate marrying him for at least a year because that would show me if he was truly faithful to me and wanted to be with me and the kids. That he really did love us. And if he walked away even once, there would be no more chances. I was done. But I told her that was never going to happen. That Ryan would never come back, and I am now OK with it! I am OK to be a single mom of 3. I am OK with doing this on my own because I know God is here with me! And in God's timing, whether it be Ryan coming back (I doubt it) or someone else if not David, I will then have my prince charming, my happily ever after ending! I have waited a very long time for that time to come. I thought it finally had with Ryan, but I thought wrong. But some day it will come and I will be ready!

So, now I sit and wonder, why? Why when things are so great and I am doing good does this happen? I don't want nor need false hope! I just want truth, honesty and realness! I am done being just another girl! I deserve so much more!

So, now I wonder, where will I be 6 months from now? Even 3 months from now? Will this still weigh on my mind? Or will God change things? Who knows? I am excited to find out though!