What I Want. Life & Men!

Hi! OK, so for now, I am done. I have to buy some new calculator batteries, so I can do the math test! Yuk! Seriously though, when you get to the level of Calculus, you forget how to do simple algebra. I hate math in the first place. The only reason I would consider taking it is because it is a requirement for some of the med schools I am interested in. HMMM! I remember hating precal!! YUK!

So, this semester I am back in Chem, Bio and Philosophy. I am actually really excited for school! I love learning! And for the next 2 1/2 years, I will be in both! Mainly because I have to take bio chem, or I would be done. HMMM. But I will be in Bio until i graduate, unless I of course going the nursing route in a year. I guess only time will tell!

So, along with time will tell, my talk with David was quite interesting. I finally brought up education with him. I asked him what he thought of me doing nursing school instead of becoming a doctor. Yes, we still talk because we're good friends.

He asked why on earth I would do that. I told him so that I could stay home more with the kids and not be on call all the time! And besides, if I went to medical school I would have to leave the state for at least residency even if I got into med school here because you can't do your residency at the same place as medical school.

He of course started to change his tune. He said he really wants me to become a doctor, but if I were to become a nurse I'd at least have to get my masters. He thinks everyone should at least have a PHD and can't see why anyone wouldn't want one. I know it sounds bad, but he just thinks people should educate themselves. But he said if we did ever end up together, he wouldn't mind me only getting a masters so that I could still make good money but also stay home with the 4 more kids he wants! LOL! MEN!

But last night I told him I didn't want to even think about any more children until I was married, and I didn't want to marry anytime within the next year. He asked if was because of Ryan, but my honest answer now is no. No it is not. I have gotten to the point where I know that won't happen and even if he and I ever ended up together by some random miracle, I still would not want to marry him for at least a year or longer now. I guess when things happen that make you question things, you start to really evaluate what it is you really want!

So then my question to myself is what do I really want? I mean seriously. What do I want in a man? And what do I want out of life?

When I was dating Ryan, I loved being called his and loved knowing where my life was going to be like. I loved the family dynamics we had and our chemistry was an instant connection! I loved making dinner for him and the kids and taking care of them! I even loved doing the dishes, sweeping the floors and mopping them on my hands and knees! I didn't mind the vacuuming or the dusting or the piles of laundry to fold sort and put away or making the beds! I even loved cleaning the bathroom! But the reason I loved all those things is because God had put it in me to be the homemaker for the man I loved. So I did it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! I never once sighed over it! I even took out the garbage with a happy tune! So yes, I did know what I was getting myself into, and I also knew I would never look back on my life and regret that decision. I knew all of his faults and short coming, and I still loved and accepted him. Life with him was "home" to me. Does that make sense? So of course when we broke up I was a little more than heart broken! But, he did give me one thing that he can take from me! He gave me a part of him in a sense and I'll love her just as much if not more than him! And she'll call me mommy and love me back!

So someday I know that the right man if he hasn't already come into my life, will! I then again will love to do all those things and more! I love being that woman, that wife to her husband and the mom that does all the family stuff with the kids! No matter what, I get to be that mommy! But I will again be happy in everything I do with my future husband, because I will know that he is the love of my life! I have realized I will not settle for something or someone that isn't what I am looking for!

So maybe I am the pickiest of picky, but I am also very sure of what I want and if he isn't it, I have just simply said thank you for your interest, but no. I do want a man who first of all respects himself. That means enough to know who he is and what he wants. That means that when he is with me, he is and always will be with only me! That he doesn't talk to his exes any longer because he doesn't need to. That I will be enough to satisfy him! He also needs to know I am very serious about family. That means I DON'T want a workaholic or someone who isn't there for the family. I don't want someone who can't get away for a week or so for a family vacation once a year, and who can spend the weekends with me and the kids! He must love the outdoors and love to camp and go fishing and whatnot! I love hiking and trails so, I want someone who can and does appreciate nature! But I also know I want someone who has a passion for sports! My kids, all of them are in sports! I played my whole life, so, I'd love it if he still played or did something that he could pass on to the children!

I want someone who will go to church with me and pray with me and the kids! Basically I want a family man who has character and integrity! Someone who wouldn't mind if I made more than him or perhaps less!

But I learned that I am worth waiting for, fighting for and wanting to only be with me! I deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect and to be the only woman in his life! I don't mind, in fact I'd encourage him to have friends he goes out with or invites over! And if he wants to have time for himself to do something he loves whether it's a sport or what have you, then I believe he should be able to! We are each individuals and still need to embrace who God made us to be! I definitely will accept him for who he is, faults, quirks and all! And I deserve to be accepted for who I am! We shouldn't try to change each other, rather want to be a better person because of each other! If he can challenge me and I can challenge him and we just connect in that chemistry sort of way, I believe that it'll work! If you let it work and if you don't freak out, and you want to be with that person and choose to love them, and they you and you let them love you, then you will find your happiness!

Yes, as many do say, love is a choice we must choose daily! Even when we don't want to! If you judge love based on your emotions and feelings you'll never find it and you will never be happy!

Yes, I did choose to love Ryan and that is why I forgave him for all the hurt and pain he caused me and the kids several times! I choose to love him as the father of Isabella! I could turn my back on him as everyone has told me to do. I could get married quickly to another, turn my back on him and move away. I could choose not to let him be in his daughter's life! I have the rights and power to do that, but I leave my power in God's hands and choose to still see the good in him despite everything we've gone through.

But I also choose to put my heart and love life in God's hands and I choose to love whomever God gives to me!

So, those are my thoughts 4 now!

Trusting,

Bri