Surrounded by people, yet so very alone!

I realized this morning for the first time that I will be alone with this next one. I think that the realization hit me when I was reading Parents and Child Magazines this morning. They talk about having 2 or 3 babies and how easy it is. But they also mentioned how great it was having the dad around and how helpful he was! As I read these articles, tears came to my eyes. It talked about how wonderful it was to have a loving and helping husband there to share everything. It talked about how both the mother and father were able to enjoy the children's "firsts" together and how the family grew in love! This brought their family closer together! Not one article in the 5 different baby magazines (Parents, Parenting, American Baby, Child, Infant and Child), did I find where there was a story of a single mom raising 3 on her own. I have at least 2 years of magazines (I hardly had time to read because of school so I saved them for times like these where I have a little bit of free time) and I couldn't find anything regarding my situation. These articles talked about how being a family and sharing in the things together drew the mother and father closer to one another and they loved each other more!

Not in my case. I know that Ryan wants to be at the birth (if he shows) but beyond that I have no one to share these experiences with. No one to to go to when I am exhausted. I of course have 2 others that will be demanding my attention as well. With that and school full time (I do not have the luxury of staying home, as I have to be a full time student, or else I have to pay back all my student loans and there's no possible way I can do that right now!) how am I supposed to juggle all of this? I know first hand how it's like to be up every 2 or 3 hours nursing the baby at night, so with little to no sleep and no help whatsoever from Ryan, I am for the fist time scared. While I don't have to deal with the things like having 2 in diapers again at the same time, I have new things that are even more constant like fight for my attention from the 2 older ones when I am not breaking up the fights or trying to do homework.

I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a greater reason for God having let Ryan walk away, but I honestly wish I knew. The honest truth is, I wish he were going to be around to help with the midnight feedings and to be there when the baby starts to crawl and walk and eats it's first bites! I want him to be there for it's first words and share in with the tears and the laughter! Is it so wrong to wish that the father were a part of the family? Maybe? Maybe in this case it is. I know that David said he'd be there for the birth if I wanted him the be and be there for everything after, but deep in my heart I want Ryan there. He's the dad. I guess all of this is hitting me because I know that while he may be present at the birth, he doesn't plan on attending Lamaze with me. I will still go through all the pain and labor alone. Completely alone. I don't really want a show of people present, not til after, but I do really want Ryan there and I want to know that he'll be there for me in this, which I can't possibly know. I am counting on him being completely absent however. Since we broke up I haven't been able to count on him for anything. I am not even sure he'll show for the ultrasound like he said he would.

I guess with getting ready to know the sex this Friday, it becomes absolutely real. Not that it isn't already, but the truth of the aloneness has hit and that is as real as a cold, stiff, dead body. Some of you may wonder, why in the world is she comparing laboring and raising children alone to death, well that's how it feels as times. As if there is no one there. In a sense everyone is around you, but no one can possibly quite understand it all. No one really stops to ask what they can do. And all the while you are still present. You go through the pain. I love my children, but I so desire for God to give me a husband to share all of this with!

To be honest, I've contemplated David's proposals of life together. I know he is a great man that would never cheat. I know he'd take care of me and genuinely cares. But I so desperately want a man after God's own heart as well. So I wonder, is it even possible to have both? Is it possible to have a father to the kids, a husband to me and one that will take care of us and love us unconditionally and a man after God's own heart? Or do I have to really give one or 2 for the other? I know now that Ryan is definitely not perfect, in fact I've learned quite a bit about him this past week that shocks me. And to be honest, Friday morning as I lied in bed, I gently heard God's voice asking me if I wanted my life like this? If I really did want Ryan or if I just liked the idea of having him there. I contemplated it and said that if Ryan were to love me and the children again completely and only us then yes. But within that I felt so alone. I knew that God was saying that I was in for a long road of being alone. I knew at that moment that God was not going to bring him back. So, I was left with confusion. I was left feeling alone and abandoned.

So many people have written to me saying to hang in there and that God has someone for me right around the corner! They say not to loose heart because there is something so much better than what Ryan can give me and I will find it again soon! I've heard several very encouraging stories and I have even heard some of heartache and trial that turn to blessings and love! So, I have to wonder, why do I feel so alone in all of this? Why do I feel as if there is NO light at the end of my tunnel like everyone else's? Why do I feel like I am just living life, day to day with loneliness? I love my children, all 3 of them deeply! I want to be the best mom there is! But I also know that in order for me to be a wonderful mom I need a husband that will balance me and be the father so that I can be a great mom! I have no doubtedly been the mother and the father to both Michael and Alexis pretty much their whole lives. I'm trying the best I can, but when you have to always be the "meany mommy" like they call me when they are in trouble, I can't be the nice mommy. I have to constantly be the dad in their lives and the one the disciplines and that is very wearing on me. I don't wish to be the dad. They need a dad and a male role model. I can only do what is in me to do, and still try to have the patience to love them when I am at my wits end and feel frustrated and ready to throw up my arms. I am constantly trying to be a better mom, but there are times where I have lost my temper! There are times when I am ready to give up! My son sometimes becomes very aggressive and that is because he doesn't have a real father role model to teach him otherwise. My daughter has become very clingy at times and I don't know what I am going to do when the baby comes. They both want my attention all the time at the same time! Who do I give it to? Who wins time with mommy when it's only me? I am so tired these days too! It was so wonderful when Ryan was around because he'd step in and be a father to them. They listened to him and when mommy needed help, he'd help! We were a great team with the kids! A team that children need. When I was doing something with one he'd take the other. Or when I took the girls potty, he'd take Mikey. We took turns making getting them ready and we always were a team when it came to making their meals and putting them to bed. Life was so much calmer and happier when the 2 of us were together! So, yes of course I am frustrated with God at times for taking him from me. That is the kind of husband and wife team that God calls us to be and that the children desperately need! That is the kind of husband I desire to want in my life. Maybe it's all an illusion? Who knows now. Maybe I am supposed to live my life as a single mom raising these children on my own. Maybe it'll be the struggles that I go through to survive, cope and still be the best mom I can be that will someday teach others how to make it.

It's funny really, because last night David asked me if I was excited about school and wanted to go back. He asked how long I had left. I said with all of this and the unknown that the baby brings, I have no idea. I told him it's hard studying for the MCAT when I don't have all the courses I need to study for it yet! He said not to give up, to keep focused because regardless the children will need this. If I hold onto my dream of med school then I still will have something regardless of being alone. And yet I know I won't be alone if I choose to open my heart to David. I am so afraid of truly loving him knowing he doesn't believe in Christ! But I want to know that if we were together that he'd still bring the kids up in a Christian home! I want him to be a part of the things we do and that's so important to me!

I've been really struggling because I am really starting to care for David. I've been closed to him because I am afraid I will start to fall for him, and I don't want to fall for someone again that isn't the one God has for me! My desperate heart cries for God to give me a Christian man! Can David become that? I honestly don't know! There is another man that I have gone out with a few times, a good friend. He is a Christian, but I am cautious to let myself open completely to anyone.

I know that this is long, but these are just the thoughts on my mind and the things I am going through. So yes, I feel so very alone right now! I don't want to have this baby alone and I don't want to raise it alone. But right now, that's the only thing in the cards for me!

Thus the continual story of this gal's life!