Hi all! So here is what the newest news is. After talking to my doctor, and hearing all the results (yes they have to tell you everything even if they don't want to) my heart sank. I knew I was really low on blood and anemic, but I was somehow hoping that God would just fix things. I won't say by how much but I am given a very low chance of making through this birth. Even less if and when the c-section happens. So, Ryan will get what he wanted. He'll get his daughter. I don't know what to do. I love Izzy so much but I also know her daddy will be a good daddy to her. I know that she will need him. So do I give my baby girl to him? I suppose that may be an option. He will be able to care for her. Knowing that I most likely will not make it through surgery even if I get a transfusion, maybe I should give in and let him know he can have her? What can I do? What am I suppose to do?
Confused and Scared
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
What do I do?
So, as the day goes on, it becomes a realization that now that I told Ry that I would no longer contact him in any form, it is hard knowing that I am going to be having Isabella completely alone. I suppose that is how it is suppose to be? I know her birth will be a mix a joy and sadness. While I want to have her now and just get it over with, I want her to be healthy so I want her to wait for at least 5 or 6 more weeks. I guess God knows everything and what is going to happen. I guess He knows that I was going to be in this alone. I realize I will be raising her without a dad. It's not like my other 2. They get to see their father. But Ryan has decided that because of me, she is also not wanted or welcomed in his life. So anyhow, that's my realization. But Ryan has made it clear that he does not ever want to see me again.:(
How am I suppose to explain this to Izzy? How am I suppose to tell her her dad does not want her? How am I suppose to break my baby girl's heart?
Do I show her pictures of him or talk about him or completely leave him out of her life? I am so confused. I have no clue on what to do.
Still in Shock over it all,
Me
How am I suppose to explain this to Izzy? How am I suppose to tell her her dad does not want her? How am I suppose to break my baby girl's heart?
Do I show her pictures of him or talk about him or completely leave him out of her life? I am so confused. I have no clue on what to do.
Still in Shock over it all,
Me
Realization
Hi! Well, I have officially made 29 weeks which is a really good thing! The longer she stays in the better for her! The contractions finally ceased for the time being, thank God.
As for everything else, well I realized last night it's over. Oh so very over. Not sure what hit me or even why. But I realized that I most likely will never, see, or hear from Ryan again. I truly don't expect him to show up at the birth, and only if I don't make it will he ever see his daughter. He's made the decision that I am not welcome in any part of his life. If I keep Izzy, she too is not welcome in his life. I suppose I will never quite understand how we could be good one minute and the next he never wants to see me again. What can I say. I am really hurt because he is friends with all the other girls he's dated and his exes. But because I am carrying his baby girl I am not allowed to be in it in any way.
So anyhow, I guess that's life. That's what God's decided to give me.
So, I will be having Isabella alone. I am coming to terms of that. Because of my sin and having sex outside of marriage, this is my punishment. That I will never get the man of my dreams and I am to go through this completely alone. I am not sure I will want anyone in the room any longer.
I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning. I think because I realized that last night I texted him and said if he wants to know about Izzy he'll have to ask. I realized that I will never hear from him again and that he'll never ask. He'll move on and date several other women and Izzy and I will be forgotten. To him we won't even be a memory. So, now it's time to put all the pictures of him and his daughter on a CD and put it away in a box for storage. I want no memories around the house because I will always miss him and not move on. I want to move on! I need to. I don't mean date another man, I just mean I can't do this any longer. I can't ask to be friends with a guy who doesn't care about me and that constantly hurts me.
So anyhow, I hope Izzy does wait until Christmas until she is born. Because while he won't be around, she'll bring me joy when I really will need it.
I must go for now.
As for everything else, well I realized last night it's over. Oh so very over. Not sure what hit me or even why. But I realized that I most likely will never, see, or hear from Ryan again. I truly don't expect him to show up at the birth, and only if I don't make it will he ever see his daughter. He's made the decision that I am not welcome in any part of his life. If I keep Izzy, she too is not welcome in his life. I suppose I will never quite understand how we could be good one minute and the next he never wants to see me again. What can I say. I am really hurt because he is friends with all the other girls he's dated and his exes. But because I am carrying his baby girl I am not allowed to be in it in any way.
So anyhow, I guess that's life. That's what God's decided to give me.
So, I will be having Isabella alone. I am coming to terms of that. Because of my sin and having sex outside of marriage, this is my punishment. That I will never get the man of my dreams and I am to go through this completely alone. I am not sure I will want anyone in the room any longer.
I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning. I think because I realized that last night I texted him and said if he wants to know about Izzy he'll have to ask. I realized that I will never hear from him again and that he'll never ask. He'll move on and date several other women and Izzy and I will be forgotten. To him we won't even be a memory. So, now it's time to put all the pictures of him and his daughter on a CD and put it away in a box for storage. I want no memories around the house because I will always miss him and not move on. I want to move on! I need to. I don't mean date another man, I just mean I can't do this any longer. I can't ask to be friends with a guy who doesn't care about me and that constantly hurts me.
So anyhow, I hope Izzy does wait until Christmas until she is born. Because while he won't be around, she'll bring me joy when I really will need it.
I must go for now.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A Close Call for Birth
Hi all! Last night was not a fun night! I went into active labor. I was contracting every minute to 4 minutes and they were lasting up to 90 or so seconds. After doing this for over an hour and a half my OB said to come into the hospital because they didn't want me having Isabella at home. After trying to get a hold of Ryan (which never happened) they decided to postpone it. They said there were too many complications at this point for baby izzy to be born. (I also did not want to do this without him regardless of things.) But I suppose if there is another repeat of last night and my water breaks he will not be there for the birth of his daughter. I have to be honest and say I will be very angry if he doesn't show up, and I am not sure I'll be able to forgive him for that. I told him I don't want any excuses as to why he's not there. Regardless that we are no longer together, this is his daughter! So, I was given 4 shots to hold Izzy in and stop contractions.
Because I am going natural until I have to have the c-section, I was in a lot of pain, but if I knew that I had him there to support me I could make it happen! Well that was my exciting night. I am exhausted with no sleep and the medicine wore off so the contractions are back! Sigh. . . Every day she stays in though is a better chance of survival for her. I was told last night because of things her chances are only 50-60%. That really scared me. So, I am praying Izzy stays put for now! I don't know if I could handle it if she died or something awful happened to her. Tomorrow she'll be 29 weeks. They want me to make it to at least 30 now because of the risks. But here's the sad things. If Ryan has his other daughter on the week that Izzy is born, he'll not only miss it, but he won't even see her for over a week. So, I pretty much have to try and keep her in every other week. But unfortunately nature plays a different tune and she'll come regardless. So I have to plan on having her alone. Even when he doesn't have her, he may not show, like last night. : ( I tried for over 6 hours to get a hold of him. I told him at 10 I was going in and I gave up trying to get a hold of him at 4. So much for be reliable. : ( That's all I am writing for now.
Scared and Alone,
Bri
Because I am going natural until I have to have the c-section, I was in a lot of pain, but if I knew that I had him there to support me I could make it happen! Well that was my exciting night. I am exhausted with no sleep and the medicine wore off so the contractions are back! Sigh. . . Every day she stays in though is a better chance of survival for her. I was told last night because of things her chances are only 50-60%. That really scared me. So, I am praying Izzy stays put for now! I don't know if I could handle it if she died or something awful happened to her. Tomorrow she'll be 29 weeks. They want me to make it to at least 30 now because of the risks. But here's the sad things. If Ryan has his other daughter on the week that Izzy is born, he'll not only miss it, but he won't even see her for over a week. So, I pretty much have to try and keep her in every other week. But unfortunately nature plays a different tune and she'll come regardless. So I have to plan on having her alone. Even when he doesn't have her, he may not show, like last night. : ( I tried for over 6 hours to get a hold of him. I told him at 10 I was going in and I gave up trying to get a hold of him at 4. So much for be reliable. : ( That's all I am writing for now.
Scared and Alone,
Bri
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Things just may be OK
Hi! So, I things are going OK. I am of course back to contracting, but I am now on some pain meds for everything including the fall and concussion. But for some reason I am starting to believe everything is OK. No I did not work things out with Ry, and that won't happen but maybe I can get through all this. I still want to finish school! I guess i will have to trust God, cuz well there's nothing else I can do.
I am tired now. So good night.
I am tired now. So good night.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Real Fear
Hi! So I am at 28 and 4 today so that is a good news. The contractions just stopped this morning so maybe all the drug treatments are working, finally.
So, here's the 4-1-1. Yesterday I went in to be monitored and had another non-stress contraction test. I was so tired I slept through it. But after I was given the shots and pills to stop labor. Sigh. My butt is so sore!
I was also well informed that after they tried to turn Isabella and she immediately turned back around to Breach that I was going to have to have a c-section and there is nothing I can say. I of course am terrified of this. It's not that I don't trust the doctors, but I am afraid of the whole thing and getting spinal headaches the rest of my life. Ryan said he'd try to be there for that and that is it. I can't hold my breath though. Because I am under 30 weeks we can't officially "schedule" the surgery because the hospitals won't because that could result in malpractice if done before then, but they still prepared me for the whole thing. It will go in the books as an emergency. But once I dilate to the point where Izzy's feet can slide through, they will take her. Apparently I am very "soft" and almost fully efaced now so it's a matter of time. I really don't want to have her until 30+ weeks so I have to try to keep her in for 2 more weeks. I just want to give her a better chance of surviving without the problems.
So, here's what I am afraid of. I am afraid to buy anything at all for her. I mean not even the cloth diapers that I will be using or the carseat. I am afraid that if I do, things may not go well, and I'll loose her. I am not sure if anyone has ever had this fear and perhaps I shouldn't since she is 28 and 1/2 weeks and most likely will survive, but what if she doesn't? Many people tell me to buy everything and keep the pricetags on everything so I can return it if that is the case. I think that would just kill me though to have to return everything if she passed and I didn't. I do love Isabella completely. She is already my daughter even though she may have complications. The moment I conceived her, she was my precious baby. So I am afraid to buy things because I just have a feeling that something will happen if I do. I wonder if there is a reason I am suddenly afraid something will happen? Perhaps it's because I was told there are more problems for c-section babies. If she is born sooner, she'll be in the NICU for at least a month or longer so I will have time to get it all. I guess I am so lost and confused as to what to do, because Ryan hasn't been any help at all.
He has decided he'll either get her 100% custody and I will never be able to see her or nothing at all still. That makes me sad that he'd turn his back on his own daughter.
Well, so those are the fears I am dealing with.
Well, I am still really dizzy so I am going to lay down.
So, here's the 4-1-1. Yesterday I went in to be monitored and had another non-stress contraction test. I was so tired I slept through it. But after I was given the shots and pills to stop labor. Sigh. My butt is so sore!
I was also well informed that after they tried to turn Isabella and she immediately turned back around to Breach that I was going to have to have a c-section and there is nothing I can say. I of course am terrified of this. It's not that I don't trust the doctors, but I am afraid of the whole thing and getting spinal headaches the rest of my life. Ryan said he'd try to be there for that and that is it. I can't hold my breath though. Because I am under 30 weeks we can't officially "schedule" the surgery because the hospitals won't because that could result in malpractice if done before then, but they still prepared me for the whole thing. It will go in the books as an emergency. But once I dilate to the point where Izzy's feet can slide through, they will take her. Apparently I am very "soft" and almost fully efaced now so it's a matter of time. I really don't want to have her until 30+ weeks so I have to try to keep her in for 2 more weeks. I just want to give her a better chance of surviving without the problems.
So, here's what I am afraid of. I am afraid to buy anything at all for her. I mean not even the cloth diapers that I will be using or the carseat. I am afraid that if I do, things may not go well, and I'll loose her. I am not sure if anyone has ever had this fear and perhaps I shouldn't since she is 28 and 1/2 weeks and most likely will survive, but what if she doesn't? Many people tell me to buy everything and keep the pricetags on everything so I can return it if that is the case. I think that would just kill me though to have to return everything if she passed and I didn't. I do love Isabella completely. She is already my daughter even though she may have complications. The moment I conceived her, she was my precious baby. So I am afraid to buy things because I just have a feeling that something will happen if I do. I wonder if there is a reason I am suddenly afraid something will happen? Perhaps it's because I was told there are more problems for c-section babies. If she is born sooner, she'll be in the NICU for at least a month or longer so I will have time to get it all. I guess I am so lost and confused as to what to do, because Ryan hasn't been any help at all.
He has decided he'll either get her 100% custody and I will never be able to see her or nothing at all still. That makes me sad that he'd turn his back on his own daughter.
Well, so those are the fears I am dealing with.
Well, I am still really dizzy so I am going to lay down.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Good News, Bad News
OK, first the good news. I made it to 28 weeks! So, Izzy has a better chance of survival with less problems. It does not mean she is out of the water.
So, the bad news. I had to have a x-ray, I may explain later why, and it showed Isabella breach! Yes, she loves to be upright and she is very stubborn. Because I went into labor again, The doctor said that they will try to hold her off as long as possible and then we'll do an emergency c-section because she won't turn. HMMM!
As of now Ryan is back to being himself. Meaning he wants 100% full custody, and I will never get to see my daughter again or nothing, meaning he will walk away and not be in her life in any way. Geez! He said she'll find him when she's ready to. Such is life.
So, good news, bad news. Yes I am terrified to have a c-section! I do NOT want a spinal tap. I've heard horror stories. So, there are a whole new set of problems. Ryan said he'd try to be there for the birth but we'll see.
So, the bad news. I had to have a x-ray, I may explain later why, and it showed Isabella breach! Yes, she loves to be upright and she is very stubborn. Because I went into labor again, The doctor said that they will try to hold her off as long as possible and then we'll do an emergency c-section because she won't turn. HMMM!
As of now Ryan is back to being himself. Meaning he wants 100% full custody, and I will never get to see my daughter again or nothing, meaning he will walk away and not be in her life in any way. Geez! He said she'll find him when she's ready to. Such is life.
So, good news, bad news. Yes I am terrified to have a c-section! I do NOT want a spinal tap. I've heard horror stories. So, there are a whole new set of problems. Ryan said he'd try to be there for the birth but we'll see.
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