Real Fear

Hi! So I am at 28 and 4 today so that is a good news. The contractions just stopped this morning so maybe all the drug treatments are working, finally.

So, here's the 4-1-1. Yesterday I went in to be monitored and had another non-stress contraction test. I was so tired I slept through it. But after I was given the shots and pills to stop labor. Sigh. My butt is so sore!

I was also well informed that after they tried to turn Isabella and she immediately turned back around to Breach that I was going to have to have a c-section and there is nothing I can say. I of course am terrified of this. It's not that I don't trust the doctors, but I am afraid of the whole thing and getting spinal headaches the rest of my life. Ryan said he'd try to be there for that and that is it. I can't hold my breath though. Because I am under 30 weeks we can't officially "schedule" the surgery because the hospitals won't because that could result in malpractice if done before then, but they still prepared me for the whole thing. It will go in the books as an emergency. But once I dilate to the point where Izzy's feet can slide through, they will take her. Apparently I am very "soft" and almost fully efaced now so it's a matter of time. I really don't want to have her until 30+ weeks so I have to try to keep her in for 2 more weeks. I just want to give her a better chance of surviving without the problems.

So, here's what I am afraid of. I am afraid to buy anything at all for her. I mean not even the cloth diapers that I will be using or the carseat. I am afraid that if I do, things may not go well, and I'll loose her. I am not sure if anyone has ever had this fear and perhaps I shouldn't since she is 28 and 1/2 weeks and most likely will survive, but what if she doesn't? Many people tell me to buy everything and keep the pricetags on everything so I can return it if that is the case. I think that would just kill me though to have to return everything if she passed and I didn't. I do love Isabella completely. She is already my daughter even though she may have complications. The moment I conceived her, she was my precious baby. So I am afraid to buy things because I just have a feeling that something will happen if I do. I wonder if there is a reason I am suddenly afraid something will happen? Perhaps it's because I was told there are more problems for c-section babies. If she is born sooner, she'll be in the NICU for at least a month or longer so I will have time to get it all. I guess I am so lost and confused as to what to do, because Ryan hasn't been any help at all.

He has decided he'll either get her 100% custody and I will never be able to see her or nothing at all still. That makes me sad that he'd turn his back on his own daughter.

Well, so those are the fears I am dealing with.

Well, I am still really dizzy so I am going to lay down.