Life, Sometimes it just isn't fair!

Hi! So not to much excitement! Though the doc said I could have her tonight because of all the results. But I haven't heard from Ry since yesterday. I now know he will not be there. I don't even know if it's worth it to call him. I don't want any more disappointment.

So maybe this is totally shallow, but I am so tired of feeling like this. I hate this time, going through this completely alone. When you're pregnant, you're supposed to be able to share it, share all the ups, downs, joys and fears with the father of the baby. And yet, I'm completely alone in all of this while some other woman gets all that attention from the guy that got me pregnant. Sometimes I stare out the window and wonder why? 10 months ago, I was so vibrant, happy, I felt I could do anything, conquer the world if I wanted. I was fit, blonde and tan! I knew everyone and was a friend to everyone! That was my life! I had so many choices and life was absolutely amazing! My biggest worry was scoring over a 12 on the MCAT!

While I dreamed of marrying someday, I wasn't looking for it! I had a great time with all the guys and we were just friends. Then one night a man, Ryan came into my life. I didn't think too much of it but thought hey, another great friend! Very quickly he stole my heart! And my world was turned upside down. When he told me he loved me, my whole world actually stopped. Here was this amazing man and he was totally, completely in love with me! I honestly didn't think I'd love another man for a very long time! The world was mine for the taking! I got into the nursing program I wanted to get into at HPU. And Med School was just a finger's grasp away! He even convinced me to color my hair brown! I would've done anything for him. Then I got pregnant and he walked away shortly after. And suddenly I was left in a world, with a life I didn't plan for. HPU slipped through my fingers, as I knew I could not try to go to school on my own and raise the kids and a baby on my own. Med School was put on hold yet another semester as as I couldn't keep attending classes because I am supposed to put on extreme bed rest! GEEZ! Now I am left in a life with a hair color I don't want, and am now going to try and survive with 3 kids, if I keep her. Ryan thinks I should give her up for adoption now. I know I'll never get child support. So, when you look at me now, the woman that you use to see, the woman you use to know no longer exists. I'm not sure she ever will again. I so desperately want to go back to that carefree woman! And yes, I do want to raise my kids with the man of my dreams! But none of that will happen now. If you would've told me I'd be in this situation 10 months ago, I would've laughed and said not in a million years! If you ask me now would I redo any of it, I am not so sure that I could handle it all again a second time! I hate the hurt and heartbreak that happened time and again!

So you want transparent, there you have it. It would've been so much easier to walk away if I weren't sitting here almost 7 and a half months pregnant, having contractions that make your breath stop! So is this the ideal? No! I'd never recommend or want anyone to walk in my shoes! Because while I sit here wondering if I'll even make it through the birth and if I do what in the world happens next, he goes out partying and drinking and kissing other women! It's so frustrating.

Well I am going to go lie down. And perhaps someday I'll look back on this and laugh! Not now. Not even a year from now! The sad thing is he told me to go back to David, but that would never happen! I don't want that kind of life. I'd rather be single than live that life. I do know what I want and that isn't it.

I do want you all to know, I didn't not write this for anyone to feel bad, that is not my intention in the least. I just want people to be aware that life is far from perfect! There are people who live in a happy bubble and can't imagine it or say how in the world could that happen or even say well she had it coming to her, but those people that don't ever experience pain, hurt, and feel alone at one point or another, they are the ones that people should feel sorry for, because you can't live, you can't truly begin to understand people and where they are at, and the compassion is empty and calloused! If you've ever felt this way, then you do understand and you know that somehow life just has to somehow get better eventually, right?

So, I was thinking maybe I should start some kind of website or something for people going through pain in their lives. Perhaps single people who are raising kids and know exactly what it's like to feel this way and where to go from here? I don't know! Any ideas?

So, I stay here for now in a contracted state.

All I can say right now, is yes, I do need prayer! Prayer that God shows me a miracle in all of this.