Realization

Hi! Well, I have officially made 29 weeks which is a really good thing! The longer she stays in the better for her! The contractions finally ceased for the time being, thank God.

As for everything else, well I realized last night it's over. Oh so very over. Not sure what hit me or even why. But I realized that I most likely will never, see, or hear from Ryan again. I truly don't expect him to show up at the birth, and only if I don't make it will he ever see his daughter. He's made the decision that I am not welcome in any part of his life. If I keep Izzy, she too is not welcome in his life. I suppose I will never quite understand how we could be good one minute and the next he never wants to see me again. What can I say. I am really hurt because he is friends with all the other girls he's dated and his exes. But because I am carrying his baby girl I am not allowed to be in it in any way.

So anyhow, I guess that's life. That's what God's decided to give me.

So, I will be having Isabella alone. I am coming to terms of that. Because of my sin and having sex outside of marriage, this is my punishment. That I will never get the man of my dreams and I am to go through this completely alone. I am not sure I will want anyone in the room any longer.


I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning. I think because I realized that last night I texted him and said if he wants to know about Izzy he'll have to ask. I realized that I will never hear from him again and that he'll never ask. He'll move on and date several other women and Izzy and I will be forgotten. To him we won't even be a memory. So, now it's time to put all the pictures of him and his daughter on a CD and put it away in a box for storage. I want no memories around the house because I will always miss him and not move on. I want to move on! I need to. I don't mean date another man, I just mean I can't do this any longer. I can't ask to be friends with a guy who doesn't care about me and that constantly hurts me.

So anyhow, I hope Izzy does wait until Christmas until she is born. Because while he won't be around, she'll bring me joy when I really will need it.

I must go for now.