So, 30 weeks! It's a miracle! I am so excited and relieved! It's so wonderful that Izzy has stayed in this long! Of course with medical intervention! But I am so thankful that Izzy is still in there! I don't care about the pain, because I want her to be healthy! I want her to not have to go to the NICU and I want to take her home with me, granted I get to go home! So I thank God for all the goodness He's given me. Sure things could be better, but they could also be way worse!
The funny thing is that I got an anonymous comment that was pretty rude. I just laughed because if they have to say things without identifying themselves they obviously don't have a clue of what is going on. So to answer the "anonymous" person, you have NO idea what's going on. Seriously. And no, no child NEEDS a dad that does not want them in the first place. A male plays a role in a child's life, to a degree. But when a father doesn't want his baby it's worse to try and make him have a relationship with them. I am NOT going to be with someone just because. The kids and I both deserve to be loved and wanted. I will NOT settle for anything less. It doesn't mean I don't love the father, but I know that I AM good enough for him. And it's his loss to walk away from all of us.
My life does NOT nor will it revolve around men. My kids, my family, God and my education are what matter. Someday God will bring me and them someone who will love us all and accept us as we are. And I will wait. I love my kids! They are what matter to me! I was so proud that Mike passed his swim class! He was so excited! We're still working on lil Lexi Not being afraid to jump to the instructors with no hands! She'll eventually do it in her own time!
So there are blessings despite it all! So if you seriously have rude comments think twice because it doesn't bother me, it makes me laugh! And honestly who are you to judge others anyhow? I'd say look at your own life before getting on a high horse! and if you seriously have the time to read what I write and don't like it, don't read it. That's all I have to say. I know God is my judge and the only one aloud to!
Anyhow, I am relieved to have made it to 30 weeks even if I do deliver tonight! And God will give me the strength to carry on and do it even if no one is there!
Smiling through it all!
Bri
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Loving Life!
Hi all! So on to other things! Life has been a ton of fun with the kids lately. Despite everything, maybe it was good to be sent on bedrest, because I have had a ton of time with the kids lately!
Alexis is in ballet still and had an open class today! How much she's improved! It's adorable! She is also loving Preschool and is so smart!
Michael is loving Kindergarten and is in the excellerated Math and Science program.
Both of the kids are playing soccer and loving it! Alexis has the coach wrapped around her finger and had him holding her the first practice because she was "cold!" They also have swimming lessons because if they are around water, they need to know how to swim! That's a must! But they are totally loving it! I love spending all the extra time with them and putting them to bed! I can't wait for Izzy to come and join our family! The kids can't wait either! But as excited as we are I want her to wait a few more weeks at least! She needs a chance of surviving without lifetime complications!
I am not sure how I am going to make it with 3 kids and finish college but obviously God knows how I will do it all! I know I won't get any child support whatsoever for Isabella, so life for the first year or 2 will be extremely difficult and tight. But I am trusting God to get us all through! I've made it so far with 2 kids and no husband around to help out, so God will give me the strength to do it with 3. I will never see Izzy as a mistake or a burden! I love her just as much as the other 2. It doesn't matter that I wasn't married to her father or that we'll never be married. It doesn't matter any longer that he doesn't really want her, or want either of us in his life. As much as I'd like her to know her dad, I am NOT going to beg him any longer to be a dad to her. It's his choice to walk away. It truly is his loss. His loss for walking away from me (because he'll never find any other woman that will have loved him or will love him as I did), and his loss from walking away from his own daughter. I honestly can't understand how any man can just abandon his own daughter. I really can't. That's not a fatherly love. She has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve that, but I will not force it. Either it happens or it doesn't.
I know I am not given a high chance of making it through, and if I indeed still have to have a a c-section because she won't turn, and don't make it, she'll go to him. But if I do and she makes it as well, I just can't give my baby girl away! I am the one that has been there for her this whole time and loved her completely and have gone through all this. I wouldn't abort her no matter what and I can't give her away! So, yes, Isabella is a part of my family!
So for now though I have not really heard from him or even know if he'll be at her birth I am done worrying. I am going to enjoy life and just trust God!! Besides God knows what I need! He knows what the kids need and will only give me the best! So I have to trust Him, cuz the longer I try to do it on my own or my own way, the longer I will have to wait for God to bless me and give me the miracles I truly do need! I don't need this going back and forth and having a hope for something that won't happen.
So that's life now. I am smiling again, even through the pain and contractions and back labor! I wouldn't care if I go through this for even another 7 weeks or so just so Isabella can have a real chance! I want to take her home with me when I go home! I don't want her staying in the NICU with problems! I'll do whatever it tales to give her that chance!
For now though, I seriously have to go lie down cuz well, it's taken a few hours to write this through the contractions! LOL! I am exhausted! This is no 48 hour labor! LOL! It's weeks! Friday I get another ultrasound if I haven't had her and all stays at this pace. I also get checked to see if she has turned and how much more I am effaced and dilated!
So good night for now! Smile, Life could always be worse!
Love ya all!
Bri
Alexis is in ballet still and had an open class today! How much she's improved! It's adorable! She is also loving Preschool and is so smart!
Michael is loving Kindergarten and is in the excellerated Math and Science program.
Both of the kids are playing soccer and loving it! Alexis has the coach wrapped around her finger and had him holding her the first practice because she was "cold!" They also have swimming lessons because if they are around water, they need to know how to swim! That's a must! But they are totally loving it! I love spending all the extra time with them and putting them to bed! I can't wait for Izzy to come and join our family! The kids can't wait either! But as excited as we are I want her to wait a few more weeks at least! She needs a chance of surviving without lifetime complications!
I am not sure how I am going to make it with 3 kids and finish college but obviously God knows how I will do it all! I know I won't get any child support whatsoever for Isabella, so life for the first year or 2 will be extremely difficult and tight. But I am trusting God to get us all through! I've made it so far with 2 kids and no husband around to help out, so God will give me the strength to do it with 3. I will never see Izzy as a mistake or a burden! I love her just as much as the other 2. It doesn't matter that I wasn't married to her father or that we'll never be married. It doesn't matter any longer that he doesn't really want her, or want either of us in his life. As much as I'd like her to know her dad, I am NOT going to beg him any longer to be a dad to her. It's his choice to walk away. It truly is his loss. His loss for walking away from me (because he'll never find any other woman that will have loved him or will love him as I did), and his loss from walking away from his own daughter. I honestly can't understand how any man can just abandon his own daughter. I really can't. That's not a fatherly love. She has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve that, but I will not force it. Either it happens or it doesn't.
I know I am not given a high chance of making it through, and if I indeed still have to have a a c-section because she won't turn, and don't make it, she'll go to him. But if I do and she makes it as well, I just can't give my baby girl away! I am the one that has been there for her this whole time and loved her completely and have gone through all this. I wouldn't abort her no matter what and I can't give her away! So, yes, Isabella is a part of my family!
So for now though I have not really heard from him or even know if he'll be at her birth I am done worrying. I am going to enjoy life and just trust God!! Besides God knows what I need! He knows what the kids need and will only give me the best! So I have to trust Him, cuz the longer I try to do it on my own or my own way, the longer I will have to wait for God to bless me and give me the miracles I truly do need! I don't need this going back and forth and having a hope for something that won't happen.
So that's life now. I am smiling again, even through the pain and contractions and back labor! I wouldn't care if I go through this for even another 7 weeks or so just so Isabella can have a real chance! I want to take her home with me when I go home! I don't want her staying in the NICU with problems! I'll do whatever it tales to give her that chance!
For now though, I seriously have to go lie down cuz well, it's taken a few hours to write this through the contractions! LOL! I am exhausted! This is no 48 hour labor! LOL! It's weeks! Friday I get another ultrasound if I haven't had her and all stays at this pace. I also get checked to see if she has turned and how much more I am effaced and dilated!
So good night for now! Smile, Life could always be worse!
Love ya all!
Bri
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I love Izzy!
So just thought I'd say, I love Isabella! And nothing, no one and no comments will tear my love from my daughter! It doesn't matter anymore what happens in the future. I can't worry about what will happen, because of the stress! So for now, I'm just trusting God.
Tired and Exhausted,
Bri
Tired and Exhausted,
Bri
Something to laugh about
Hi! Short and sweet! Still pregnant! Still contracting. Still have no idea what to do w/Izzy! So that's that. This weekend was very, very emotional. But I love my baby girl! And regardless of the situation I'll always love her! And I know that God'll be there for us!
Oh and it's interesting to find out that some girls from an old church I went to are spreading around that I am pregnant. LOL! It's not like it's a secret because I am honest enough to tell whom they told. In fact I called the person right after I found out! I guess it goes to show that some people don't have lives so they still have to talk about people who haven't been around for over a year! LOL! I'm not too worried about it, because my real friends know and don't judge me. I just found it funny is all.
Laughing,
Bri
Oh and it's interesting to find out that some girls from an old church I went to are spreading around that I am pregnant. LOL! It's not like it's a secret because I am honest enough to tell whom they told. In fact I called the person right after I found out! I guess it goes to show that some people don't have lives so they still have to talk about people who haven't been around for over a year! LOL! I'm not too worried about it, because my real friends know and don't judge me. I just found it funny is all.
Laughing,
Bri
Friday, October 12, 2007
Life, Sometimes it just isn't fair!
Hi! So not to much excitement! Though the doc said I could have her tonight because of all the results. But I haven't heard from Ry since yesterday. I now know he will not be there. I don't even know if it's worth it to call him. I don't want any more disappointment.
So maybe this is totally shallow, but I am so tired of feeling like this. I hate this time, going through this completely alone. When you're pregnant, you're supposed to be able to share it, share all the ups, downs, joys and fears with the father of the baby. And yet, I'm completely alone in all of this while some other woman gets all that attention from the guy that got me pregnant. Sometimes I stare out the window and wonder why? 10 months ago, I was so vibrant, happy, I felt I could do anything, conquer the world if I wanted. I was fit, blonde and tan! I knew everyone and was a friend to everyone! That was my life! I had so many choices and life was absolutely amazing! My biggest worry was scoring over a 12 on the MCAT!
While I dreamed of marrying someday, I wasn't looking for it! I had a great time with all the guys and we were just friends. Then one night a man, Ryan came into my life. I didn't think too much of it but thought hey, another great friend! Very quickly he stole my heart! And my world was turned upside down. When he told me he loved me, my whole world actually stopped. Here was this amazing man and he was totally, completely in love with me! I honestly didn't think I'd love another man for a very long time! The world was mine for the taking! I got into the nursing program I wanted to get into at HPU. And Med School was just a finger's grasp away! He even convinced me to color my hair brown! I would've done anything for him. Then I got pregnant and he walked away shortly after. And suddenly I was left in a world, with a life I didn't plan for. HPU slipped through my fingers, as I knew I could not try to go to school on my own and raise the kids and a baby on my own. Med School was put on hold yet another semester as as I couldn't keep attending classes because I am supposed to put on extreme bed rest! GEEZ! Now I am left in a life with a hair color I don't want, and am now going to try and survive with 3 kids, if I keep her. Ryan thinks I should give her up for adoption now. I know I'll never get child support. So, when you look at me now, the woman that you use to see, the woman you use to know no longer exists. I'm not sure she ever will again. I so desperately want to go back to that carefree woman! And yes, I do want to raise my kids with the man of my dreams! But none of that will happen now. If you would've told me I'd be in this situation 10 months ago, I would've laughed and said not in a million years! If you ask me now would I redo any of it, I am not so sure that I could handle it all again a second time! I hate the hurt and heartbreak that happened time and again!
So you want transparent, there you have it. It would've been so much easier to walk away if I weren't sitting here almost 7 and a half months pregnant, having contractions that make your breath stop! So is this the ideal? No! I'd never recommend or want anyone to walk in my shoes! Because while I sit here wondering if I'll even make it through the birth and if I do what in the world happens next, he goes out partying and drinking and kissing other women! It's so frustrating.
Well I am going to go lie down. And perhaps someday I'll look back on this and laugh! Not now. Not even a year from now! The sad thing is he told me to go back to David, but that would never happen! I don't want that kind of life. I'd rather be single than live that life. I do know what I want and that isn't it.
I do want you all to know, I didn't not write this for anyone to feel bad, that is not my intention in the least. I just want people to be aware that life is far from perfect! There are people who live in a happy bubble and can't imagine it or say how in the world could that happen or even say well she had it coming to her, but those people that don't ever experience pain, hurt, and feel alone at one point or another, they are the ones that people should feel sorry for, because you can't live, you can't truly begin to understand people and where they are at, and the compassion is empty and calloused! If you've ever felt this way, then you do understand and you know that somehow life just has to somehow get better eventually, right?
So, I was thinking maybe I should start some kind of website or something for people going through pain in their lives. Perhaps single people who are raising kids and know exactly what it's like to feel this way and where to go from here? I don't know! Any ideas?
So, I stay here for now in a contracted state.
All I can say right now, is yes, I do need prayer! Prayer that God shows me a miracle in all of this.
So maybe this is totally shallow, but I am so tired of feeling like this. I hate this time, going through this completely alone. When you're pregnant, you're supposed to be able to share it, share all the ups, downs, joys and fears with the father of the baby. And yet, I'm completely alone in all of this while some other woman gets all that attention from the guy that got me pregnant. Sometimes I stare out the window and wonder why? 10 months ago, I was so vibrant, happy, I felt I could do anything, conquer the world if I wanted. I was fit, blonde and tan! I knew everyone and was a friend to everyone! That was my life! I had so many choices and life was absolutely amazing! My biggest worry was scoring over a 12 on the MCAT!
While I dreamed of marrying someday, I wasn't looking for it! I had a great time with all the guys and we were just friends. Then one night a man, Ryan came into my life. I didn't think too much of it but thought hey, another great friend! Very quickly he stole my heart! And my world was turned upside down. When he told me he loved me, my whole world actually stopped. Here was this amazing man and he was totally, completely in love with me! I honestly didn't think I'd love another man for a very long time! The world was mine for the taking! I got into the nursing program I wanted to get into at HPU. And Med School was just a finger's grasp away! He even convinced me to color my hair brown! I would've done anything for him. Then I got pregnant and he walked away shortly after. And suddenly I was left in a world, with a life I didn't plan for. HPU slipped through my fingers, as I knew I could not try to go to school on my own and raise the kids and a baby on my own. Med School was put on hold yet another semester as as I couldn't keep attending classes because I am supposed to put on extreme bed rest! GEEZ! Now I am left in a life with a hair color I don't want, and am now going to try and survive with 3 kids, if I keep her. Ryan thinks I should give her up for adoption now. I know I'll never get child support. So, when you look at me now, the woman that you use to see, the woman you use to know no longer exists. I'm not sure she ever will again. I so desperately want to go back to that carefree woman! And yes, I do want to raise my kids with the man of my dreams! But none of that will happen now. If you would've told me I'd be in this situation 10 months ago, I would've laughed and said not in a million years! If you ask me now would I redo any of it, I am not so sure that I could handle it all again a second time! I hate the hurt and heartbreak that happened time and again!
So you want transparent, there you have it. It would've been so much easier to walk away if I weren't sitting here almost 7 and a half months pregnant, having contractions that make your breath stop! So is this the ideal? No! I'd never recommend or want anyone to walk in my shoes! Because while I sit here wondering if I'll even make it through the birth and if I do what in the world happens next, he goes out partying and drinking and kissing other women! It's so frustrating.
Well I am going to go lie down. And perhaps someday I'll look back on this and laugh! Not now. Not even a year from now! The sad thing is he told me to go back to David, but that would never happen! I don't want that kind of life. I'd rather be single than live that life. I do know what I want and that isn't it.
I do want you all to know, I didn't not write this for anyone to feel bad, that is not my intention in the least. I just want people to be aware that life is far from perfect! There are people who live in a happy bubble and can't imagine it or say how in the world could that happen or even say well she had it coming to her, but those people that don't ever experience pain, hurt, and feel alone at one point or another, they are the ones that people should feel sorry for, because you can't live, you can't truly begin to understand people and where they are at, and the compassion is empty and calloused! If you've ever felt this way, then you do understand and you know that somehow life just has to somehow get better eventually, right?
So, I was thinking maybe I should start some kind of website or something for people going through pain in their lives. Perhaps single people who are raising kids and know exactly what it's like to feel this way and where to go from here? I don't know! Any ideas?
So, I stay here for now in a contracted state.
All I can say right now, is yes, I do need prayer! Prayer that God shows me a miracle in all of this.
Finally Excited!
On to an exciting note! Now that it's getting closer to Izzy being born, I am way more excited, despite the odds of me making it! I decided to use bumgenius cloth diapers for her (no disposables for this precious bundle of joy!) and just got the box of diapers I ordered! They are so cute and tiny! I've heard great things about them and my cousins Adam and Emily use them on their beautiful baby girl and told me about them and love them! A lot less leaky diapers and you save quite a bit over the long run! I also bought 5 receiving blankets to cut up for washcloths instead of using wipes. Of course it won't always work when I am in public and I'll have a a small pack of wipes, but for the most part, she deserves the best!
I also bought her a ton of cute baby clothes, but am still waiting on the major things such as swing, stroller, careseat, etc. We shall see though! Because she'll be 30 weeks next week, her chances of making it double! So, that makes me happy! Though you never do know. Some preemies die, while others thrive! Some full term babies even die! But I do know with her, she will thrive no matter when she comes because I already have a prophecy that she'll be a blessing and a joy and that she'll make it! I trust God for all things and a miracle for her being born healthy is no small matter! Especially when she is so small! But God will let her come in His timing. When He knows she is ready to finally join the world! The kids of course are stoked! My son has been praying that I have a baby since Nov. 05! LOL! He use to pray God bring us a baby! Well 2 years later, his prayers are answered. So, then I do think God's timing is definitely not ours! I was thinking I'd have one when I was married and we were happy. Well that's how it was supposed to be. That's how it started out as! But God saw it before I even met Ryan and decided it was he and I He'd bless with this baby girl! Don't ask me why considering all I've gone through with him, but God sees everything! Absolutely EVERYTHING!
So, for now despite all the odds that are stacked against Izzy and I, I am excited!
Happy for now,
Bri
I also bought her a ton of cute baby clothes, but am still waiting on the major things such as swing, stroller, careseat, etc. We shall see though! Because she'll be 30 weeks next week, her chances of making it double! So, that makes me happy! Though you never do know. Some preemies die, while others thrive! Some full term babies even die! But I do know with her, she will thrive no matter when she comes because I already have a prophecy that she'll be a blessing and a joy and that she'll make it! I trust God for all things and a miracle for her being born healthy is no small matter! Especially when she is so small! But God will let her come in His timing. When He knows she is ready to finally join the world! The kids of course are stoked! My son has been praying that I have a baby since Nov. 05! LOL! He use to pray God bring us a baby! Well 2 years later, his prayers are answered. So, then I do think God's timing is definitely not ours! I was thinking I'd have one when I was married and we were happy. Well that's how it was supposed to be. That's how it started out as! But God saw it before I even met Ryan and decided it was he and I He'd bless with this baby girl! Don't ask me why considering all I've gone through with him, but God sees everything! Absolutely EVERYTHING!
So, for now despite all the odds that are stacked against Izzy and I, I am excited!
Happy for now,
Bri
Time for Change
Hi! I just got home from the docs. I am getting use to the progesterone shots, though they still sting for a while! Izzy's heartbeat is pretty high today though. it's close to the 200's, so I have to be careful. As of now, my doc. said she has more of comfort knowing she hasn't come yet and said the chances of her finally turing head down is still 50%, which means I can avoid the dreaded c-section! That was somewhat good news! If she waits in there until next week Fri, I will be having another untrasound to find out what she is doing in there. Though who knows as I keep effacing! Such is the pregant life with a high-risk pregnancy! The Dr. said it's most likely because of all the stress I've been undergoing that is causing all the preterm labor!
So, on to a different note. . . I have been considering the offer to HPU for their nursing program! It may just be what I need to have a fresh start. . . But we shall see. I got in for this past year, but due to being pregnant and the whole Ryan thing, I had to put it on hold. But I am tired of putting my life on hold. I think it may be good for the kids as well! I am really missing Hawaii these days, so we'll see.
A good friend of mine who lives in California said I should move down there and finish school. That's also a possibility. We have known each other for a while and it'd be a good change for me.
I am realizing that Ry is never going to come around, but I am think I am also realizing that may be OK. I know he's Izzy's dad, but if it is not him, I know God has someone who will be perfect for the children and I in His timing. It's just trusting God and coming to that place of contentment in Him that will get me through.
It's been extrememly difficult because I was doing really well spiritually when Ryan and I broke up in June. I didn't want to compromise my life any longer. Though I missed Ryan, I was finding my peace in God and just trusting Him for His will. Then Ry decided in the very beginning of August he really missed me and thus things began again. They turned into great times and we were always happy when we saw each other! Then at the very end of Sept. he again decided we couldn't make it work. I was so angry and frustrated how he comes and goes. I just want someone who is consistant! We talk every now but I unless God changes things it just won't happen. Which is a sad thing considering everything. Yes, I do still love him, but I have decided that it's best for the kids and I to just move on. I'm not sure what will happen with Isabella yet. But no matter what, I'll always love her!
So, as I sit here and ponder what God is about to do next, what He has to say (I am almost afraid) I also know that at some point things will come to be as He has spoken them! What I mean is that I have had prophecies over my life of what is to come. I can't see it ever happening, not in a million years, but lets see the same man who prophecied all the good stuff to come also prophecied the bad things that were to come and yes, they all came to past! So, one can only hope God had the good left now, right?
I have a STRONG desire and passion to go back into the mission field, at least for medical missions! Someday I want to do a crossroads with YWAM with my kids and someday husband if that is to be. But I am done being in this holding place in my life and am ready to live it again! I am ready to start walking in God's Word and Will again, completely. I know that means giving up the part of me that is so much in the world. But I think that with Ryan out of the picture, I know I can. He was my downfall when it came to temptation. He always was. So, now I only want God's will. Whatever that may be.
Well that's it for the randomness of subjects!
Time to go for now. So much to do, so little time to do it in.
Smiles for Now!
Bri
So, on to a different note. . . I have been considering the offer to HPU for their nursing program! It may just be what I need to have a fresh start. . . But we shall see. I got in for this past year, but due to being pregnant and the whole Ryan thing, I had to put it on hold. But I am tired of putting my life on hold. I think it may be good for the kids as well! I am really missing Hawaii these days, so we'll see.
A good friend of mine who lives in California said I should move down there and finish school. That's also a possibility. We have known each other for a while and it'd be a good change for me.
I am realizing that Ry is never going to come around, but I am think I am also realizing that may be OK. I know he's Izzy's dad, but if it is not him, I know God has someone who will be perfect for the children and I in His timing. It's just trusting God and coming to that place of contentment in Him that will get me through.
It's been extrememly difficult because I was doing really well spiritually when Ryan and I broke up in June. I didn't want to compromise my life any longer. Though I missed Ryan, I was finding my peace in God and just trusting Him for His will. Then Ry decided in the very beginning of August he really missed me and thus things began again. They turned into great times and we were always happy when we saw each other! Then at the very end of Sept. he again decided we couldn't make it work. I was so angry and frustrated how he comes and goes. I just want someone who is consistant! We talk every now but I unless God changes things it just won't happen. Which is a sad thing considering everything. Yes, I do still love him, but I have decided that it's best for the kids and I to just move on. I'm not sure what will happen with Isabella yet. But no matter what, I'll always love her!
So, as I sit here and ponder what God is about to do next, what He has to say (I am almost afraid) I also know that at some point things will come to be as He has spoken them! What I mean is that I have had prophecies over my life of what is to come. I can't see it ever happening, not in a million years, but lets see the same man who prophecied all the good stuff to come also prophecied the bad things that were to come and yes, they all came to past! So, one can only hope God had the good left now, right?
I have a STRONG desire and passion to go back into the mission field, at least for medical missions! Someday I want to do a crossroads with YWAM with my kids and someday husband if that is to be. But I am done being in this holding place in my life and am ready to live it again! I am ready to start walking in God's Word and Will again, completely. I know that means giving up the part of me that is so much in the world. But I think that with Ryan out of the picture, I know I can. He was my downfall when it came to temptation. He always was. So, now I only want God's will. Whatever that may be.
Well that's it for the randomness of subjects!
Time to go for now. So much to do, so little time to do it in.
Smiles for Now!
Bri
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