Hi. I guess one doesn't really understand what happens or what or when things went wrong until the relationship is over. And sometimes they never really do. Take me for example. I never understood what happened. How could Ryan go from loving me and our child to leaving us. Then the realization hit me. I had told him that I loved him on Easter and 2 minutes later he's texting his ex to wish her a happy easter. What the hell! The things we realize later. He told me that night he still loved me. So why would he be cheating on me. He said that talking with her was not so. But then as I sat here and thought he was having an emotional affair with her is a sense. Here we are getting married and he announced it to all his family and friends and he was doing this. God brings to light what is done in the darkness. I didn't understand that for 2 more days he'd tell me how much he loves me and then out of the blue tell me he can't love me anymore. I wanted to stay friends for the baby's sake and I loved him so very dearly. I mean I thought we were getting married!
So we remained friends. He was my best friend, and we did things together. He was again telling me I was beautiful and inviting me to do things. I didn't understand the whole thing. But I loved him so I went with it. And to think now I blew off the chance to kiss the one man I had wanted to, yet my heart was with Ryan! Then we saw the baby's heartbeat and he had tears of joy in his eyes. He them realized he wanted to work things out. He became the man I knew and loved again! We did everything together and he'd always call or text just to see how I was! It was amazing and I was so happy! The happiest I'd been in a very long time! When I told him he gave me butterflies he said I did that to him to! When I told him how very happy I was he said he was so happy too! Life was great! We were together again and I "knew" things were going to be great! We did go to Vegas together and had a great time! He even had said he didn't want to marry there because he wanted to do it with me the right way. I was fine with that, because I "knew" he was telling the truth. Or so I thought.
When we got home, I soon found out he was in contact with this ex girlfriend again! My heart again shattered. He said it was over completely between us! That we couldn't even be friends. He wanted nothing to do with his child either. I was astounded! How could we go from being so happy and loving to this with just one woman? I cried for days. i missed him for weeks. I still loved him with everything within me. I didn't understand all of it! Was it all just lies from him? For the first time, I felt completely alone in everything. I hated that woman! She ruined our relationship and our lives. She took him away from my kids! And I hoped she'd burn in hell! I was so angry. But I slowly let it all go. I can't make him love me. I can't make him NOT cheat on me. Though it made me realize that this was a repeat of my exes in the past, yet this is the first time I cared.
This past week I became OK with being without Ryan forever and raising his child on my own. But then I got a weird call just a few moments ago that brought back the flood of memories. I still have no idea who it is but they had told me that they saw Ryan's old phone and told me the texts that was sent to and from her. They told me the number and her name. It was indeed her. They told me that they just wanted to let me know because I deserved better than that and that Ryan was too confused. They apparently know him well, because they told me things he and I had done that only he and I knew about. They told me that at one time he truly did love me and want to marry me. I sat here speechless and in complete silence after I answered the phone. The tears once again fell from my eyes. My vision became so blurry until I couldn't even to see to hang up the phone after that person did. The man's last words were that someday Ryan would realize it and he will regret not choosing to love me and his child and work things out. But he said that it'd be too late. I did ask who he was and he said a very old friend of Ryan's. He even knew who Ryan was going to have standing in our wedding for him. Who would know this. I tried to recognize the voice of the man from the many friends of his that I met. I couldn't quite place it. He would not tell me. Before he hung up, I asked him why he was calling me to tell me this. He said because I needed to know. And that I needed to know that at one time Ryan did love me and I was his world! That he'd never seen him as happy as he was when he was with me. Then he said goodbye and good luck with the baby and everything. So, I sat sobbing, wondering who this man was. Who is he? Why on earth when I have finally given Ryan over to God so that I can be free would this happen? It made me love and miss him all over again and yet realize that it didn't matter how happy and how much Ryan loved me. Until he got his life straightened out and figured out his own life, he'd never truly be free to love me and his child. This baby I carry that moves inside of me! I weep because I know that heartache and pain it's own daddy will cause it! I know what rejection is like. I love this child so much and I just can't bear to see it get hurt the way Ryan has hurt me and the other children! So, why God? I question Him now. Why must this man have called, when I was doing great? Why did this man call almost 2 months later to bring back the pain. He thought that I would be happy that Ryan loved me I am guessing, but it brings all that much more pain.
So, yeah, I do want to get on with life, and just forget this whole thing. But unfortunately it seems that it will be around for quite some time to haunt me! I will eventually forget Ryan and all the pain. I asked God to take all the pain he's caused me and the children in the past, so that I can love again!
But for this moment. For this brief lapse in time, I sit here and weep! I weep over all the beauty we had together and all that he let go of and wasted. He may never realize what he threw away. He may never really care one ounce for his child I carry. But whatever the future holds, it's now in God's hands.
Crying tears of bitterness,
Bri
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Natural and the story of Birth
Hi! As I was sitting here wondering what I wanted to do during this birth (women start to think about that at some point), I realized I wanted to try and give birth to this baby naturally! Don't ask me why this is so! I gave birth to my first, my son naturally and it was so painful and the birth from hell! They had to break my water 3 times! It kept resealing! I never wanted another after because of the pain and sheer horror I went through. I had back labor something terrible! With my second, my daughter, I had a walking epidural. However it didn't go into effect until right after she was born. She was born almost immediately. Though my water broke at home and we by the time I got to the hospital the contractions were strong and only 3 minutes apart! I remember that night very clearly.
I was in the hospital since Thanksgiving day, when she decided to come again and the contractions came on strong. With it being 8 weeks early, the doctors said NO way! They gave me something to stop it. The did a non stress test and realized that Alexis was going to come, it was a matter of time. She wanted out! But then I was only dilated to a 6 and for 2 days nothing changed. The contractions came and went, so they finally sent me home! I begged to stay saying she was coming soon! So, we went home. I put my little 2 year old in his bed and went to bed. I never slept. I lay there quietly for 2 hours and looked at the clock. At 11:30PM I felt a funny feeling like I had to go the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and my bag of waters broke. No, that is an understatement. They ruptured. I was so calm. I told my mom and Brett. And so they flew to the car in a panic. I calmly walked down the stairs and as I was walking down the stairs, The contractions came on suddenly and strong. I gently woke my son up and carried him up the stairs. I grabbed my bag and his overnight bad and headed to the car for the waiting scared people! LOL! I put my son in his carseat and my mom buckled him. Then I got in and we raced to my dad's to drop off Mike. Then we headed to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital the put me in an ER bed. The doc. came in and checked me and said oh it'll be at least 2 hours. What little ER doctors know about labor! I screamed at him to call the L&D ward! A 1/2 hour later they brought me up and I begged for an epidural. This was very painful and I had no break or rest between the minute contractions. So they came. As soon as I came I remember saying I feel fire! It burns, it burns. But I remembered that is called the ring of fire! It is when the baby is crowning! So, they said to push! I only pushed 3 times and out she came! I was so relieved and then I felt the pain meds kick in! LOL! They put her on my chest and I remember asking why she wasn't breathing. MY God, my baby is dead! They swept her away and got the crash cart. I am not sure what happened in those next 3 minutes, it was all a blur. I vaguely remember the placenta coming out. All I could think of was my baby is dead. I cried and cried. My only daughter. . . A male nurse came back in and said that he was sorry. I turned over and sobbed. Don't be sorry, I thought! You can't be. Then he said they took her to the level 2 ICU. They didn't have a level 3, otherwise she would've gone. He left me to face the doctor. She explained that Alexis' lungs were too young and she couldn't breath on her own. She explained that she had no sucking ability and that she was going to remain there until she got better, but she was NOT dead. I was so relieved. She told me to be patient as she was born very early. I could not see her. They told me I could not see her for 24 hours. It was torture. All I wanted to do was sleep. But other than that I was in little pain. What does a mother do when she is told she can't see her own baby?
The next day came and they took me to her. I saw her hooked up to what seemed like a hundred machines. My God! I started to cry and asked if I could hold her, but I could not. I could only touch her hand after I washed 3 times! I could not kiss her or feel my baby. The nurses could of course. I begged to hold her. So they said that night I could if she was doing better. I watched them bathe her though and she was so beautiful! I came back that night and I finally got to hold her until the machines went off. She started to choke! I whispered to her that she had to make it that she was my little princess. I was instructed to leave immediately. She was in the level 3 for 3 to 4 days. It was all a blur. Then one day, I walked in to try and feed her again, and she was not there. So I asked the nurses there, and they couldn't find her. They were all new. A new shift, I guessed. But I started to panic. Where was my baby? So, one of the nurses called the level one unit and she was transferred. I found out that was a good thing. She was no longer in serious danger, but she was still too sick to go home. I spent hours there. I spent the night there. I even spent days there. I would go home inbetween feedings to see my son. Sometimes I brought him. He kept himself occupied by finding the water fountain, which was a new feat to him! Once in a while the nurses would give him cups that they usually put breast milk to stack. I would get frustrated watching babies come and leave. Their parents would never come to visit and they just came and took their babies away. I watched Alexis have to go into the Jaundice warmer and she could only be out for 30 minutes max. At that time, I wanted to breastfeed, so it got frustrating, as she wasn't getting it still. I had to go through a bunch of sessions with the lactation nurse. She said give it time. They eventually told me she could go home the next morning and every morning I came in they said no, not this morning! She had a setback and failed at a test the night before. Then the day came and she was ready to leave. It was such a happy day! I was finally taking my daughter home a few days before Christmas! We were instructed to let NO one near her or to let anyone hold her.
So, that is the story of Alexis!
And yet I am still thrilled to be having another one! I honestly never thought it'd be possible! I have actually started contractions already. They come and go but they are strong! Not this again, I was thinking last week! But I'd lay there at night not be able to move and just breath through them until they'd fade.
This has caused concern as I am only 19 weeks! They said I have to wait until 20 weeks before they can have any chance of saving the baby. I have not told Ryan, because there is no need to worry him. I honestly don't even know if he'll be there for the birth. As much as I want him to be so that at least he can see his own child born and so that I can tell his child it's daddy was there! But, alas, I want to try it natural again. I don't know why, but I have a feeling. I will be completely alone in this as Ryan's decided not to be a part of that, but alone or not, this is my feelings. I may change them in the heat of the pain, but whatever happens, God will be there. They said I have a HUGE potential to have this one way earlier than Alexis, as it is my 3rd and each of my children come earlier than the one before it, but it'll all work out. If I can carry it to at least 32 weeks it has a better chance of surviving!
So, if any of you woman have had a natural birth and have any suggestions, please tell me! As the first one, though natural, I was bed-ridden, so the pain was worse. Though it's my 3rd, I feel like I am doing this all for the first time again because my youngest will be 4! HMMM! I am am a little scared, a little excited and well a little overwhelmed to be doing this alone and without Ryan.
I just pray for God's comfort and peace and when it is time, it'll happen! Ideally I'd like to have it Christmas Eve Morn. But time will tell. Especially in this! LOL!
I was in the hospital since Thanksgiving day, when she decided to come again and the contractions came on strong. With it being 8 weeks early, the doctors said NO way! They gave me something to stop it. The did a non stress test and realized that Alexis was going to come, it was a matter of time. She wanted out! But then I was only dilated to a 6 and for 2 days nothing changed. The contractions came and went, so they finally sent me home! I begged to stay saying she was coming soon! So, we went home. I put my little 2 year old in his bed and went to bed. I never slept. I lay there quietly for 2 hours and looked at the clock. At 11:30PM I felt a funny feeling like I had to go the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and my bag of waters broke. No, that is an understatement. They ruptured. I was so calm. I told my mom and Brett. And so they flew to the car in a panic. I calmly walked down the stairs and as I was walking down the stairs, The contractions came on suddenly and strong. I gently woke my son up and carried him up the stairs. I grabbed my bag and his overnight bad and headed to the car for the waiting scared people! LOL! I put my son in his carseat and my mom buckled him. Then I got in and we raced to my dad's to drop off Mike. Then we headed to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital the put me in an ER bed. The doc. came in and checked me and said oh it'll be at least 2 hours. What little ER doctors know about labor! I screamed at him to call the L&D ward! A 1/2 hour later they brought me up and I begged for an epidural. This was very painful and I had no break or rest between the minute contractions. So they came. As soon as I came I remember saying I feel fire! It burns, it burns. But I remembered that is called the ring of fire! It is when the baby is crowning! So, they said to push! I only pushed 3 times and out she came! I was so relieved and then I felt the pain meds kick in! LOL! They put her on my chest and I remember asking why she wasn't breathing. MY God, my baby is dead! They swept her away and got the crash cart. I am not sure what happened in those next 3 minutes, it was all a blur. I vaguely remember the placenta coming out. All I could think of was my baby is dead. I cried and cried. My only daughter. . . A male nurse came back in and said that he was sorry. I turned over and sobbed. Don't be sorry, I thought! You can't be. Then he said they took her to the level 2 ICU. They didn't have a level 3, otherwise she would've gone. He left me to face the doctor. She explained that Alexis' lungs were too young and she couldn't breath on her own. She explained that she had no sucking ability and that she was going to remain there until she got better, but she was NOT dead. I was so relieved. She told me to be patient as she was born very early. I could not see her. They told me I could not see her for 24 hours. It was torture. All I wanted to do was sleep. But other than that I was in little pain. What does a mother do when she is told she can't see her own baby?
The next day came and they took me to her. I saw her hooked up to what seemed like a hundred machines. My God! I started to cry and asked if I could hold her, but I could not. I could only touch her hand after I washed 3 times! I could not kiss her or feel my baby. The nurses could of course. I begged to hold her. So they said that night I could if she was doing better. I watched them bathe her though and she was so beautiful! I came back that night and I finally got to hold her until the machines went off. She started to choke! I whispered to her that she had to make it that she was my little princess. I was instructed to leave immediately. She was in the level 3 for 3 to 4 days. It was all a blur. Then one day, I walked in to try and feed her again, and she was not there. So I asked the nurses there, and they couldn't find her. They were all new. A new shift, I guessed. But I started to panic. Where was my baby? So, one of the nurses called the level one unit and she was transferred. I found out that was a good thing. She was no longer in serious danger, but she was still too sick to go home. I spent hours there. I spent the night there. I even spent days there. I would go home inbetween feedings to see my son. Sometimes I brought him. He kept himself occupied by finding the water fountain, which was a new feat to him! Once in a while the nurses would give him cups that they usually put breast milk to stack. I would get frustrated watching babies come and leave. Their parents would never come to visit and they just came and took their babies away. I watched Alexis have to go into the Jaundice warmer and she could only be out for 30 minutes max. At that time, I wanted to breastfeed, so it got frustrating, as she wasn't getting it still. I had to go through a bunch of sessions with the lactation nurse. She said give it time. They eventually told me she could go home the next morning and every morning I came in they said no, not this morning! She had a setback and failed at a test the night before. Then the day came and she was ready to leave. It was such a happy day! I was finally taking my daughter home a few days before Christmas! We were instructed to let NO one near her or to let anyone hold her.
So, that is the story of Alexis!
And yet I am still thrilled to be having another one! I honestly never thought it'd be possible! I have actually started contractions already. They come and go but they are strong! Not this again, I was thinking last week! But I'd lay there at night not be able to move and just breath through them until they'd fade.
This has caused concern as I am only 19 weeks! They said I have to wait until 20 weeks before they can have any chance of saving the baby. I have not told Ryan, because there is no need to worry him. I honestly don't even know if he'll be there for the birth. As much as I want him to be so that at least he can see his own child born and so that I can tell his child it's daddy was there! But, alas, I want to try it natural again. I don't know why, but I have a feeling. I will be completely alone in this as Ryan's decided not to be a part of that, but alone or not, this is my feelings. I may change them in the heat of the pain, but whatever happens, God will be there. They said I have a HUGE potential to have this one way earlier than Alexis, as it is my 3rd and each of my children come earlier than the one before it, but it'll all work out. If I can carry it to at least 32 weeks it has a better chance of surviving!
So, if any of you woman have had a natural birth and have any suggestions, please tell me! As the first one, though natural, I was bed-ridden, so the pain was worse. Though it's my 3rd, I feel like I am doing this all for the first time again because my youngest will be 4! HMMM! I am am a little scared, a little excited and well a little overwhelmed to be doing this alone and without Ryan.
I just pray for God's comfort and peace and when it is time, it'll happen! Ideally I'd like to have it Christmas Eve Morn. But time will tell. Especially in this! LOL!
Not my will, but God's!
Good Morning! It's been a while since I've written. There really isn't much going on. Yesterday however, God said to me, Just wait. Don't look into the future, take one day at a time. So, later He said I will reveal all in perfect timing and you will come to see why you went through what you did. That He is using my life and all that I've gone through and what I am going through as a witness. He also said that He will give me a man that is perfect for me and one that will love me regardless of having 3 children and that he will love the children as his own. Some think it may be David. Ironic, because he called last night at 4Am as I was coming home. We were talking and I was talking about the kids as they truly are the loves of my life and I was telling him how excited I was to have this baby! And I said if it's a boy, I'll have to have him circumcised on the day that God says to so he'll feel the least amount of pain. He said he didn't remember so I said he should really read his Bible more! LOL! He said he didn't know what it was like and then I was talking about how when a child gets there blood drawn or shots and the parents have to hold them down it was horrible for the parents and I always felt like with them. I said he will experience that when he had a child and he quickly said "when we have a child." I said woah! I am already having one, just wait a bit! That kinda scared me! I just started to date him, and it's not even that serious because I have gone out with a few other guys besides him. I am NOT committing to anyone right now! For goodness sakes, I am pregnant, and my hormones will change once I have this child! I just got out of a serious relationship, and I loved him, so I am not looking to get serious again any time soon. Besides he'd just be a rebound.
So, then I realized or maybe God brought it to my thoughts, but when I met Ryan, there were several men pursuing me at that time. I ended up choosing Ryan. I told the other men I wasn't interested. Then I fell in love and the guys that I use to like became nothing to me. So, with that revelation I also realized that since we've broken up, I've had several men pursue me again. I am very choosy though. LOL! But seriously. I realized that even though I am pregnant, doesn't mean my life is over. Ryan chose to walk away. My folks think he was more scared that I didn't have a degree to have some kind of job to help support us. That he was too afraid to support the kids and I and so started pulling away and made excuses. But regardless, for whatever reason, he did. And now I look back and think would I really want to be married to a man that has no idea what he wants? When I get married again, I don't want another divorce. I want to be married for life, so I want to know that we both are happy in love. It doesn't work when one person does 99% of the work and love. I wouldn't have wanted to marry Ryan unless he truly loves me and that means he has to realize he doesn't love ANY other woman. I am NOT going to be a woman he or any one settles for! Geez! I have men who do want to spend time with me. So, I move on. I play with and take care of my children and really love life! I love being with the men who really appreciate being with me! So, with this said, Those are my thoughts.
Maybe someday, things will make sense. God told me to be very specific when I pray for what I want and He will give me the desires of my heart! Now that I realized I don't want anything out of His will men included, He is now ready to start blessing me! But let me tell you, it took a lot of struggling, arguing and being angry with God for taking things and those I love away. I told God I was done with it all! I let Him know how mad I was. And as I lay in my bed quietly, God quietly but firmly said, "Brianne, my daughter, you have done everything you want, and you have walked in your will and in your ways. Life hasn't worked out, because that is not what is good for you. I have something SO much better for you! When you are ready to walk in My will and only want what I have for you, I will give you something so much better than what you could ever dream of! Brianne, I could give you Ryan or the other men you have prayed for in the past if you really want them, but if you submit to me you will realize that what I have, is so much better! Trust in Me and walk with Me and you will see what it's like to live with joy and fullness once again! This child I have given to you is NOT a mistake, it will be a blessing and bring life to all! Take care of the gifts I have given to you. They need to know you love them, and so you do! Don't ever get too busy to love them! In time I will reveal what it is I have called you to do and your career will be successful! I love you, my child." So, I am done asking God for what I want. Because I want the real blessing. If He chooses to give me Ryan back, then that will be in His will, because I will no longer ask. As much as I love him, God does have someone that I will love perfectly and completely and they will love me and the children in the same way! I will be glad that I waited on God.
So I think, Why not? Why not wait and see what it's like to walk in God's way and let Him give me what He has for me? Why not wait for His blessing!
Yes, I am excited to have this baby! I am excited to find out the sex! And though I use to want a boy because I know Ryan would really want one, it no longer matters!! God will give me what He knows is best for all of us! Either way, I will always cherish my kids and anyone who can't accept them is NOT good enough for me or them! So for now, I have to go. I have such a peace about things for once though! And I know it'll all work out. It may take years, but in time, God's time I'll understand it all!
So, then I realized or maybe God brought it to my thoughts, but when I met Ryan, there were several men pursuing me at that time. I ended up choosing Ryan. I told the other men I wasn't interested. Then I fell in love and the guys that I use to like became nothing to me. So, with that revelation I also realized that since we've broken up, I've had several men pursue me again. I am very choosy though. LOL! But seriously. I realized that even though I am pregnant, doesn't mean my life is over. Ryan chose to walk away. My folks think he was more scared that I didn't have a degree to have some kind of job to help support us. That he was too afraid to support the kids and I and so started pulling away and made excuses. But regardless, for whatever reason, he did. And now I look back and think would I really want to be married to a man that has no idea what he wants? When I get married again, I don't want another divorce. I want to be married for life, so I want to know that we both are happy in love. It doesn't work when one person does 99% of the work and love. I wouldn't have wanted to marry Ryan unless he truly loves me and that means he has to realize he doesn't love ANY other woman. I am NOT going to be a woman he or any one settles for! Geez! I have men who do want to spend time with me. So, I move on. I play with and take care of my children and really love life! I love being with the men who really appreciate being with me! So, with this said, Those are my thoughts.
Maybe someday, things will make sense. God told me to be very specific when I pray for what I want and He will give me the desires of my heart! Now that I realized I don't want anything out of His will men included, He is now ready to start blessing me! But let me tell you, it took a lot of struggling, arguing and being angry with God for taking things and those I love away. I told God I was done with it all! I let Him know how mad I was. And as I lay in my bed quietly, God quietly but firmly said, "Brianne, my daughter, you have done everything you want, and you have walked in your will and in your ways. Life hasn't worked out, because that is not what is good for you. I have something SO much better for you! When you are ready to walk in My will and only want what I have for you, I will give you something so much better than what you could ever dream of! Brianne, I could give you Ryan or the other men you have prayed for in the past if you really want them, but if you submit to me you will realize that what I have, is so much better! Trust in Me and walk with Me and you will see what it's like to live with joy and fullness once again! This child I have given to you is NOT a mistake, it will be a blessing and bring life to all! Take care of the gifts I have given to you. They need to know you love them, and so you do! Don't ever get too busy to love them! In time I will reveal what it is I have called you to do and your career will be successful! I love you, my child." So, I am done asking God for what I want. Because I want the real blessing. If He chooses to give me Ryan back, then that will be in His will, because I will no longer ask. As much as I love him, God does have someone that I will love perfectly and completely and they will love me and the children in the same way! I will be glad that I waited on God.
So I think, Why not? Why not wait and see what it's like to walk in God's way and let Him give me what He has for me? Why not wait for His blessing!
Yes, I am excited to have this baby! I am excited to find out the sex! And though I use to want a boy because I know Ryan would really want one, it no longer matters!! God will give me what He knows is best for all of us! Either way, I will always cherish my kids and anyone who can't accept them is NOT good enough for me or them! So for now, I have to go. I have such a peace about things for once though! And I know it'll all work out. It may take years, but in time, God's time I'll understand it all!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I'm sorry
Hi! As I was doing my devotions tonight and I asked God to show me any area of my heart were I had sinned. He gently told me that I had not spoken good of Ryan in a sense. I fell on my face and repented and asked God for His forgiveness because as much as Ryan has hurt me and the children He is still God's child and deserves to be treated with love and compassion no matter the fault or offense. God reminded me to be filled with His love. So, I am working on that as hard as it is. It is hard when you are suffering and paying for loving someone unconditionally and yet God has told me to continue to love Ryan as He loves him. HMMM. . .
So, to all of you, I want to publicly apologize for saying anything bad about Ryan. If I have said anything to defame him or slander him or his name in any way, I want to say that I really am sorry and hope you will forgive me.
It's definitely not easy to apologize for things, let alone for not speaking the best of terms about someone who has so deeply hurt and wronged me. Yet, no matter what has happened, he deserves to maintain his reputation and dignity. So for that, if I in any way have torn that down or dishonored him in public, I can only ask for forgiveness. He is the father of my child and regardless, I must always honor him and not let him loose face in public. I must defend him and his name because that is what a godly woman would do. Regardless that I am not his wife, I will still honor him and defend him. After all I do with my family and friends when I talk to them, so I why dishonor him in any other way? I truly am trying to live my life as Christ has called me to live so from now on I will try to only say good things about him. And regardless of what happens and regardless if he chooses not to love this child of his and not be a part of it's life, he is still the best father to his littler girl. He is very loving, caring and I would never have chosen a better father for my child. Because I know how much he cares and loves his children and how very devoted he is. So, again, I am sorry and want to apologize to all!
From my heart,
Bri
So, to all of you, I want to publicly apologize for saying anything bad about Ryan. If I have said anything to defame him or slander him or his name in any way, I want to say that I really am sorry and hope you will forgive me.
It's definitely not easy to apologize for things, let alone for not speaking the best of terms about someone who has so deeply hurt and wronged me. Yet, no matter what has happened, he deserves to maintain his reputation and dignity. So for that, if I in any way have torn that down or dishonored him in public, I can only ask for forgiveness. He is the father of my child and regardless, I must always honor him and not let him loose face in public. I must defend him and his name because that is what a godly woman would do. Regardless that I am not his wife, I will still honor him and defend him. After all I do with my family and friends when I talk to them, so I why dishonor him in any other way? I truly am trying to live my life as Christ has called me to live so from now on I will try to only say good things about him. And regardless of what happens and regardless if he chooses not to love this child of his and not be a part of it's life, he is still the best father to his littler girl. He is very loving, caring and I would never have chosen a better father for my child. Because I know how much he cares and loves his children and how very devoted he is. So, again, I am sorry and want to apologize to all!
From my heart,
Bri
2 Men, love and God!
Good morning to all! So, last night when David called he knew there was a different tone to my voice. Maybe it's because I was going to tell him I'm pregnant. I had when we first talked, but it hadn't really sunk in, I think.
So, he wanted to know what was up. So I told him I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. I told him I understood if he didn't want to talk any longer. Most guys totally avoid me once they find out. So, he asked questions like is Ryan involved, etc. I told him there was a time Ryan wanted to make things work for the baby, but left us anyhow. That he said he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. David was furious. He said that he was an immature man who needed to wake up and realize he was really going to hurt his own child. That his selfish actions will not only hurt my kids and I, but his own child will feel abandoned. I kind of already knew this. I told David that adoption wasn't an option when he suggested it. So, he asked if Ryan would come around. I told him I seriously doubted it. I said I hoped so for the child's sake, that he even went to every appointment in the beginning, but now he's been completely absent. I do hope he comes around, because he'll really miss out on his child's life but I also told David Ryan got scared, is afraid of commitment, and was too afraid to really let the kids and I love him. He even told my mom, he's never had someone love him so deeply and completely the way I did. He couldn't understand it. So, my mom said it was because I loved him with God's love.
So, then David asked if I had anything bad to say about him, and I told him absolutely not. That this is life and Ryan chose a different life. That I will not say anything bad about the father of my child. And I hate talking bad about others even when they break my heart. I mean when Jonathan did it a few years back I never said a bad thing about him and to this day I think he's an amazing man. So, David finally accepted things and the fact that Ryan is gone and he told me that he wasn't going to leave me just because I'm pregnant. That I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met. That what Ryan did was just insane because he lost the best thing that will happen to him, because he said that to be loved that much, it is very rare. He told me that he wanted to take me away, rescue me from all of this and just let me relax and be treated like the woman that I should be. So, this weekend he wants to take me to some place special. I told him I will not do anything over night yet. And that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone for a very long time. He understood. So, he said later he'll take me to some cool waterfalls in Oregon (I wonder if that is where Ryan was going to propose? He had told me he was going to propose under some waterfall in Oregon! It was the best non-proposal I've ever gotten! It made me cry!), and then later we'd go further when we had time, like down the California coast. He told me to get my passport so we could go someplace else! He is the sweetest guy I know these days. It's nice being treated special and with real concern and respect. He's not the love of my life but my mom said give him a chance. He truly is concerned and cares. So, he finally said he'll draw up a parenting plan and get all the papers in order for Ryan and I so that as soon as the child is here things are in order. I am so glad now that he's in my life. He told me that eventually if we get married we'll have one more to make it 4. Yikes! With Ryan, we would've had 4 together! I do miss his little girl so much!
My thoughts were I still can't marry a non Christian. But my mom said in time he may just come around if I continue to witness to him. I got to witness to him about the Philippines and India. And he was so amazed! He was in awe as to how I could be a missionary and not care what happened to me because I was willing to give my life so others could be saved. He said there was something different and amazing about me. I told him I was just following God's command to be disciples to all nations and go into ALL the world and preach the good news! It'll take a miracle for David to become a Christian because he is such a strong Jew. He even wants to go back to Israel, and I'd love to go with him if we end up together! How amazing would that be? But in all seriousness, I am in NO hurry to get married! The only man I could see myself saying yes to is Ryan. There was a time that I would've married Jon, and I didn't care if we lived in a one bedroom apartment. . . It's the same thing. If you really love someone, money isn't an issue. My mom said I will be the most well off of this whole family, besides my brother some day, if I marry David. Because if I stayed with him, I know I'd go to medical school. That is NOT an option. With an income from a doctor and a lawyer, of course we'll be well off. But with that kind of money I'd also want to do missions work and make sure the kids also had a great education. The thing is David and I value our education and we have had NO ONE help us out with the expenses. My folks are letting me stay in their house so I don't have to worry about that, but as far as paying for it, he did and I am.
In the long run however, happiness and love are still what I truly want. It doesn't matter if I am some well known doctor and he's some well known attorney, if we aren't happy and I am not in love I won't do it. I know with Ryan, we would've been poor for a while and struggled and had to really watch our money, but with love, you can make anything work. Besides, I'd get a degree that could really help us out. I still plan on it. If not medical, perhaps Psychology or something. I want to stay in state for now so that Ryan can have a chance if he desires to know know his child. I'd always stay in state if we ended back up together. But, I can't even fathom that any longer. He has not exactly been the nicest to me and I am carrying his child, the child he wanted way more than I! To tell you the truth it scared me at first when we would be at a store and he'd always stop in the baby section and look at all the little clothes. I always told him, "someday." But now, I have the child he wanted growing inside of me and he is absent. Go figure. Kind of ironic and backwards and twisted.
He once told me that he thought I was instable because I always change my mind. Yeah, about the little thing that don't matter, but come on! I am the only one that will be around for this child he so wanted! For better or for worse I am now committed to loving this child and taking care of it while he walks away and does his own thing. I am going to school and also raising my other two. So, is that unstable? I suppose if you want to think so. The only thing I ever told him was that I'd wait until he absolutely loved me and wanted to get married. That it didn't matter if it was next summer as we had planned or 10 years from now, I was willing to wait.
But, in all honestly why should I wait for someone who has walked away? Like David said, he'll realize it someday and know what and who he lost. I will not wait around forever. I will move on with my life and be happy and successful and have a loving family. And if there is a different man raising the children, but he loves them, then that's all that matters. I do want a whole family. So, if it someday is David or any other man, I am OK with it now. God has given me a peace about things. I am finally strong enough to let go and walk away. I am not going to wait like some pup that's lost it's mom and it's way back home. I am independent and I deserve so much more! I deserve a man that is going to treat me like a real woman and with love and respect. That's how it use to be. I'm not going to put up with someone who can't figure things out and treats me worse than yesterday's trash. I won't accept my feelings and emotions to be toyed with any longer. I was so vulnerable because I did fall completely in love with him. I let him own me in a sense. But, I can and will live without him. You know the saying goes, it's not who you can live with but who you can't live without. Well I felt I didn't want to live without him. He and his daughter had become my world with my own two. But the real saying should be, I can live without you, but I don't want to and I choose to make my life with you, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through all the fighting and making up. When things don't go as you want them to, you don't just walk away, throw in the towel and turn your back on them. You stick it out because you know that this person is worth it. You know that no matter what happened or what they may have done, that they truly are the person that will love you forever.
But, what do I know right? I mean I would never have walked away from the people I cared about regardless of what happened. Maybe I am just stronger than that. I know what commitment is and I know that You have to work at what you want. Love, the word, it's so easily thrown around.
But if you really love someone you stay with them and work it out even when the "feelings" and "emotions" are gone. Love means for better or worse. Love means you choose to stick it out because in the long run, things will be great!
All I know is that the next time I get married, it'll be for life. I will be darn sure we truly love each other. I will date the guy for a minimum of a year. I am sure we'll go through ups and downs, but time and the trials will tell. It will tell if we are strong enough to make a marriage work. I don't want my kids ever going through something like what they are going through with losing Ryan again. It's far worse for them to lose him than their own father. They would have rather spent time with Ryan than their own daddy. They were always telling him they loved him. And for Ryan to come with me to my son's teeball game made his whole world. When I got home that night he said he wanted to be just like him. Granted his own father was there as well, but what made Mike happy was Ryan being there. Ryan spent way more time with the kids than their own father does, so in a sense he became "daddy" to them. In fact another friend asked me why they called him daddy. So, I talked to Ryan and he said he loved it. I thought we were going to be together forever so I didn't mind. I made a terrible mistake because there is no way I would ever allow them to call any other man daddy. Not before, not after. The kids don't understand why "daddy" left them. Mike just said yesterday he still wants to play golf and basketball like "daddy Ryan!" That killed me. He still admires and adores him. Mike wants so much to be good to please him, and yet I know that Ryan could care less. And recently Alexis has stopped trusting men all together. She won't even go to her grandpa and always says she's mad at him. She says she just wants daddy Ryan and her sissy Jadyn back. Geez! Right when I meet a new man they start this whole thing again.
So yes, I made a big mistake. I will be very careful if any future men meet them. The guy will only be my "friend." We will make it though. All 4 (baby included)of us! I will tell the baby it's daddy loves it very much and just can't be around if that is what happens. I will never break or hurt my own children's hearts no matter how much mine is breaking or hurting. In time children always realize the truth on their own. I seriously hope that I don't have to say this to this child, I hope Ryan becomes the father I know he can be and is. But for now, I am so glad to have David. He believes in me and wants to make life better for me. He said it's time I get out of the corner and be recognized for being the woman I am! Who knows? Maybe someday I will be the doc performing that intense surgery for babies with open spinal bifida? But whatever I end up doing, whatever I end being, I will be great at it, because I have the compassion and passion that drives me to love whatever it is I am doing and be content with it! Even if I were a garbage man, I'd still be OK because I'd do it with the peace of God.
So, I will end with this comment. Whatever it is that's on your plate, just trust God. You can't know or predict the future. No matter what happens or what you expect to happen you just have to wait and trust that God knows what he's doing. Believe it or not, He has our best interest at heart and while we can't see it, while we suffer or have heart breaks or whatever we're going through, God has something so much better. I believe that God knew that Ryan and I needed a break because Ryan needs to figure out his life. Ryan will not be happy until he lets go of that other woman completely. He can't move on. He's stuck in the past. And it's because she left him. Had he left her, he wouldn't be confused he'd know he didn't love her. But she left him for the dad of her baby. If she leaves him once, she'll do it again. There's a reason she didn't choose Ryan over that man. She didn't love him. Not enough. Not the way he deserves to be loved. And he's confused because of it. God knew I deserved so much better! I deserve to be more than an afterthought! So, even though I don't know what will happen (hey God works miracles!), I know that with God everything will be OK. I still may wonder, I may even grieve, but I will live life and who knows maybe David will make me happy!
I am willing to open up and see what's there.
well, better run. I know it sounds weird, but I want to spend some time listening to God now. I do devotions in the morning, and then wait and listen to God. I like to stay as much in His presence as possible these days. I truly want to be able to walk in His image again! And for now, He is my beloved and the love in my life! He will give me everything I need and more!
So, he wanted to know what was up. So I told him I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. I told him I understood if he didn't want to talk any longer. Most guys totally avoid me once they find out. So, he asked questions like is Ryan involved, etc. I told him there was a time Ryan wanted to make things work for the baby, but left us anyhow. That he said he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. David was furious. He said that he was an immature man who needed to wake up and realize he was really going to hurt his own child. That his selfish actions will not only hurt my kids and I, but his own child will feel abandoned. I kind of already knew this. I told David that adoption wasn't an option when he suggested it. So, he asked if Ryan would come around. I told him I seriously doubted it. I said I hoped so for the child's sake, that he even went to every appointment in the beginning, but now he's been completely absent. I do hope he comes around, because he'll really miss out on his child's life but I also told David Ryan got scared, is afraid of commitment, and was too afraid to really let the kids and I love him. He even told my mom, he's never had someone love him so deeply and completely the way I did. He couldn't understand it. So, my mom said it was because I loved him with God's love.
So, then David asked if I had anything bad to say about him, and I told him absolutely not. That this is life and Ryan chose a different life. That I will not say anything bad about the father of my child. And I hate talking bad about others even when they break my heart. I mean when Jonathan did it a few years back I never said a bad thing about him and to this day I think he's an amazing man. So, David finally accepted things and the fact that Ryan is gone and he told me that he wasn't going to leave me just because I'm pregnant. That I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met. That what Ryan did was just insane because he lost the best thing that will happen to him, because he said that to be loved that much, it is very rare. He told me that he wanted to take me away, rescue me from all of this and just let me relax and be treated like the woman that I should be. So, this weekend he wants to take me to some place special. I told him I will not do anything over night yet. And that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone for a very long time. He understood. So, he said later he'll take me to some cool waterfalls in Oregon (I wonder if that is where Ryan was going to propose? He had told me he was going to propose under some waterfall in Oregon! It was the best non-proposal I've ever gotten! It made me cry!), and then later we'd go further when we had time, like down the California coast. He told me to get my passport so we could go someplace else! He is the sweetest guy I know these days. It's nice being treated special and with real concern and respect. He's not the love of my life but my mom said give him a chance. He truly is concerned and cares. So, he finally said he'll draw up a parenting plan and get all the papers in order for Ryan and I so that as soon as the child is here things are in order. I am so glad now that he's in my life. He told me that eventually if we get married we'll have one more to make it 4. Yikes! With Ryan, we would've had 4 together! I do miss his little girl so much!
My thoughts were I still can't marry a non Christian. But my mom said in time he may just come around if I continue to witness to him. I got to witness to him about the Philippines and India. And he was so amazed! He was in awe as to how I could be a missionary and not care what happened to me because I was willing to give my life so others could be saved. He said there was something different and amazing about me. I told him I was just following God's command to be disciples to all nations and go into ALL the world and preach the good news! It'll take a miracle for David to become a Christian because he is such a strong Jew. He even wants to go back to Israel, and I'd love to go with him if we end up together! How amazing would that be? But in all seriousness, I am in NO hurry to get married! The only man I could see myself saying yes to is Ryan. There was a time that I would've married Jon, and I didn't care if we lived in a one bedroom apartment. . . It's the same thing. If you really love someone, money isn't an issue. My mom said I will be the most well off of this whole family, besides my brother some day, if I marry David. Because if I stayed with him, I know I'd go to medical school. That is NOT an option. With an income from a doctor and a lawyer, of course we'll be well off. But with that kind of money I'd also want to do missions work and make sure the kids also had a great education. The thing is David and I value our education and we have had NO ONE help us out with the expenses. My folks are letting me stay in their house so I don't have to worry about that, but as far as paying for it, he did and I am.
In the long run however, happiness and love are still what I truly want. It doesn't matter if I am some well known doctor and he's some well known attorney, if we aren't happy and I am not in love I won't do it. I know with Ryan, we would've been poor for a while and struggled and had to really watch our money, but with love, you can make anything work. Besides, I'd get a degree that could really help us out. I still plan on it. If not medical, perhaps Psychology or something. I want to stay in state for now so that Ryan can have a chance if he desires to know know his child. I'd always stay in state if we ended back up together. But, I can't even fathom that any longer. He has not exactly been the nicest to me and I am carrying his child, the child he wanted way more than I! To tell you the truth it scared me at first when we would be at a store and he'd always stop in the baby section and look at all the little clothes. I always told him, "someday." But now, I have the child he wanted growing inside of me and he is absent. Go figure. Kind of ironic and backwards and twisted.
He once told me that he thought I was instable because I always change my mind. Yeah, about the little thing that don't matter, but come on! I am the only one that will be around for this child he so wanted! For better or for worse I am now committed to loving this child and taking care of it while he walks away and does his own thing. I am going to school and also raising my other two. So, is that unstable? I suppose if you want to think so. The only thing I ever told him was that I'd wait until he absolutely loved me and wanted to get married. That it didn't matter if it was next summer as we had planned or 10 years from now, I was willing to wait.
But, in all honestly why should I wait for someone who has walked away? Like David said, he'll realize it someday and know what and who he lost. I will not wait around forever. I will move on with my life and be happy and successful and have a loving family. And if there is a different man raising the children, but he loves them, then that's all that matters. I do want a whole family. So, if it someday is David or any other man, I am OK with it now. God has given me a peace about things. I am finally strong enough to let go and walk away. I am not going to wait like some pup that's lost it's mom and it's way back home. I am independent and I deserve so much more! I deserve a man that is going to treat me like a real woman and with love and respect. That's how it use to be. I'm not going to put up with someone who can't figure things out and treats me worse than yesterday's trash. I won't accept my feelings and emotions to be toyed with any longer. I was so vulnerable because I did fall completely in love with him. I let him own me in a sense. But, I can and will live without him. You know the saying goes, it's not who you can live with but who you can't live without. Well I felt I didn't want to live without him. He and his daughter had become my world with my own two. But the real saying should be, I can live without you, but I don't want to and I choose to make my life with you, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through all the fighting and making up. When things don't go as you want them to, you don't just walk away, throw in the towel and turn your back on them. You stick it out because you know that this person is worth it. You know that no matter what happened or what they may have done, that they truly are the person that will love you forever.
But, what do I know right? I mean I would never have walked away from the people I cared about regardless of what happened. Maybe I am just stronger than that. I know what commitment is and I know that You have to work at what you want. Love, the word, it's so easily thrown around.
But if you really love someone you stay with them and work it out even when the "feelings" and "emotions" are gone. Love means for better or worse. Love means you choose to stick it out because in the long run, things will be great!
All I know is that the next time I get married, it'll be for life. I will be darn sure we truly love each other. I will date the guy for a minimum of a year. I am sure we'll go through ups and downs, but time and the trials will tell. It will tell if we are strong enough to make a marriage work. I don't want my kids ever going through something like what they are going through with losing Ryan again. It's far worse for them to lose him than their own father. They would have rather spent time with Ryan than their own daddy. They were always telling him they loved him. And for Ryan to come with me to my son's teeball game made his whole world. When I got home that night he said he wanted to be just like him. Granted his own father was there as well, but what made Mike happy was Ryan being there. Ryan spent way more time with the kids than their own father does, so in a sense he became "daddy" to them. In fact another friend asked me why they called him daddy. So, I talked to Ryan and he said he loved it. I thought we were going to be together forever so I didn't mind. I made a terrible mistake because there is no way I would ever allow them to call any other man daddy. Not before, not after. The kids don't understand why "daddy" left them. Mike just said yesterday he still wants to play golf and basketball like "daddy Ryan!" That killed me. He still admires and adores him. Mike wants so much to be good to please him, and yet I know that Ryan could care less. And recently Alexis has stopped trusting men all together. She won't even go to her grandpa and always says she's mad at him. She says she just wants daddy Ryan and her sissy Jadyn back. Geez! Right when I meet a new man they start this whole thing again.
So yes, I made a big mistake. I will be very careful if any future men meet them. The guy will only be my "friend." We will make it though. All 4 (baby included)of us! I will tell the baby it's daddy loves it very much and just can't be around if that is what happens. I will never break or hurt my own children's hearts no matter how much mine is breaking or hurting. In time children always realize the truth on their own. I seriously hope that I don't have to say this to this child, I hope Ryan becomes the father I know he can be and is. But for now, I am so glad to have David. He believes in me and wants to make life better for me. He said it's time I get out of the corner and be recognized for being the woman I am! Who knows? Maybe someday I will be the doc performing that intense surgery for babies with open spinal bifida? But whatever I end up doing, whatever I end being, I will be great at it, because I have the compassion and passion that drives me to love whatever it is I am doing and be content with it! Even if I were a garbage man, I'd still be OK because I'd do it with the peace of God.
So, I will end with this comment. Whatever it is that's on your plate, just trust God. You can't know or predict the future. No matter what happens or what you expect to happen you just have to wait and trust that God knows what he's doing. Believe it or not, He has our best interest at heart and while we can't see it, while we suffer or have heart breaks or whatever we're going through, God has something so much better. I believe that God knew that Ryan and I needed a break because Ryan needs to figure out his life. Ryan will not be happy until he lets go of that other woman completely. He can't move on. He's stuck in the past. And it's because she left him. Had he left her, he wouldn't be confused he'd know he didn't love her. But she left him for the dad of her baby. If she leaves him once, she'll do it again. There's a reason she didn't choose Ryan over that man. She didn't love him. Not enough. Not the way he deserves to be loved. And he's confused because of it. God knew I deserved so much better! I deserve to be more than an afterthought! So, even though I don't know what will happen (hey God works miracles!), I know that with God everything will be OK. I still may wonder, I may even grieve, but I will live life and who knows maybe David will make me happy!
I am willing to open up and see what's there.
well, better run. I know it sounds weird, but I want to spend some time listening to God now. I do devotions in the morning, and then wait and listen to God. I like to stay as much in His presence as possible these days. I truly want to be able to walk in His image again! And for now, He is my beloved and the love in my life! He will give me everything I need and more!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Suffering, a path through healing
Hi! So, here's the devotion and what God gave me to think about yesterday. Sorry it's a day and a few hours late, but life happens. I know it's a long read, but it is encouraging and you will be blessed!
Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, "Why?" He asked, "Why me?" And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take cliche's for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook. Job did not take his suffering quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering and protested mightily.
It is not only because Job suffered that that is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same way we suffer-in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went "to the top" with his questions.
It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering. Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When the discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: when we do wrong, we get punished.
One of the surprises as we get older, however is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job did everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Gob gives voice when he protests to God.
Job gives voice to his suffering so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered-which includes every last one of us-can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role as defeated victim. It is important to note though that in all of this, Job in no way curses God as his wife suggests he should do. But Job doesn't explain his suffering either. He never instructs us how to live so that we may avoid this suffering. Suffering is a mystery and Job comes to respect that mystery. this mystery is God. This is the state in which will bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise, because we have no where else to turn but to God to make sense of it all. Job states that "we take the good days, why not also take the bad days?"
The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind-sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or the person left standing there when the relationship is over, with the other person walking away without a care, depressed, or bewildered, people start showing up and telling us what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Suffers attack fixers the way roadkill attracts vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility of answers. They know so much! How did they get to be experts in living?
More often than not these people often use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful! But then we begin to wonder, "Why is it for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?"
However, in our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to presume that we can "fix things," get rid of them, or make them "better." We look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better well-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to "fix" suffering we must keep several things in mind.
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering-which we simply won't be very successful at anyway-perhaps we should be entering the suffering, the mystery and look around for God. In other words we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and if they will let us, join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As I look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, I see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
But sometimes it's hard to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize in those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, He makes Himself known to us in all the many ways that He describes to Job-from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe around us-and He is the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope-not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in a book, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again with variations-and hear all the answers again with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job rejecting the quick-fix ideas of the people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned. God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and vulnerable humility.
Now, given this revelation I know there is a reason to my suffering. there is a reason God took the love of my life away to raise this baby alone. Yes, I suffer daily because of the love I have for Ryan. But, I also know that God must have something else in mind, or something even greater. Even when we follow Him and beg and plead with Him, and then get angry with Him we sometimes don't know the reason until later. Sometimes we may never know why things happen or why He takes those we love away. I must not sit and plead with God, and wait. It is not my will, but His be done in my life now!
And yes, I do accept and love all your e-mails, blog responses, encouragement, and words of wisdom. God also gave me wisdom to discern what is of Him. So, I hope that this encourages all of you in your suffering as well. Remember, I am going through this. So, it's not easy for me to write this. But I do understand what true pain and suffering really is! Love you all!
Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, "Why?" He asked, "Why me?" And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take cliche's for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook. Job did not take his suffering quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering and protested mightily.
It is not only because Job suffered that that is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same way we suffer-in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went "to the top" with his questions.
It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering. Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When the discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: when we do wrong, we get punished.
One of the surprises as we get older, however is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job did everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Gob gives voice when he protests to God.
Job gives voice to his suffering so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered-which includes every last one of us-can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role as defeated victim. It is important to note though that in all of this, Job in no way curses God as his wife suggests he should do. But Job doesn't explain his suffering either. He never instructs us how to live so that we may avoid this suffering. Suffering is a mystery and Job comes to respect that mystery. this mystery is God. This is the state in which will bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise, because we have no where else to turn but to God to make sense of it all. Job states that "we take the good days, why not also take the bad days?"
The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind-sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or the person left standing there when the relationship is over, with the other person walking away without a care, depressed, or bewildered, people start showing up and telling us what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Suffers attack fixers the way roadkill attracts vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility of answers. They know so much! How did they get to be experts in living?
More often than not these people often use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful! But then we begin to wonder, "Why is it for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?"
However, in our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to presume that we can "fix things," get rid of them, or make them "better." We look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better well-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to "fix" suffering we must keep several things in mind.
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering-which we simply won't be very successful at anyway-perhaps we should be entering the suffering, the mystery and look around for God. In other words we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and if they will let us, join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As I look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, I see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
But sometimes it's hard to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize in those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, He makes Himself known to us in all the many ways that He describes to Job-from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe around us-and He is the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope-not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in a book, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again with variations-and hear all the answers again with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job rejecting the quick-fix ideas of the people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned. God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and vulnerable humility.
Now, given this revelation I know there is a reason to my suffering. there is a reason God took the love of my life away to raise this baby alone. Yes, I suffer daily because of the love I have for Ryan. But, I also know that God must have something else in mind, or something even greater. Even when we follow Him and beg and plead with Him, and then get angry with Him we sometimes don't know the reason until later. Sometimes we may never know why things happen or why He takes those we love away. I must not sit and plead with God, and wait. It is not my will, but His be done in my life now!
And yes, I do accept and love all your e-mails, blog responses, encouragement, and words of wisdom. God also gave me wisdom to discern what is of Him. So, I hope that this encourages all of you in your suffering as well. Remember, I am going through this. So, it's not easy for me to write this. But I do understand what true pain and suffering really is! Love you all!
Sleepless in Gig Harbor, yet exhausated!
Hi all! So, I am asking those of you who have been pregnant, or who have gone days with no sleep. . . . I am in desperate need of the stuff! I haven't been able to sleep since the awful news of the baby having open spinal bifida. Though I know things are fine now, I still can't sleep. And I can't sleep at all during the day. So, any sleep help remedies are greatly welcomed and appreciated. Yes, I've tried the milk and the tea and even tylonol PM. Nothing seems to really help! Sigh. . . I need and want sleep! There's only so much of a happy mom these days and I have been pretty calm regarding. . . But, I want to continue to be a good mom and do something before my patience wears out! So, please help if you can!
Thanks a million!
Thanks a million!
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