Good Morning all! Today I am in better spirits! I went to bed pretty early, I think before 9, because I started contractions again yesterday. I was thinking geez, she just doesn't want to stay in! Now it's a battle of the wills, well until either my water breaks or they absolutely have to take her out due to complications! But my dad mentioned it was a full moon last night and that may be why it started again! I was thinking this can't be good!
So, it made me start thinking about what will happen or what I will want at the birth. The truth is, I still do want Ryan to be there. He is the father, after all and I want him to cut the cord! He still doesn't know if he'll be there or if he'll even want to be in her life. This of course is frustrating and it does hurt. I don't really want to go through this whole thing alone, but I just may be facing that. It took us both to create her, so why can't we both be there for her? I guess God knows what He's doing and all I know is that she will be a blessing and a joy to me! I just need God's peace now, because he's pretty much absent again. He comes and goes as he pleases. I just know that if he does this with Izzy, I won't be able to handle it. I can't stand to see her waiting by the window for daddy to come pick her up only for him to never show and for her to cry and ask me why daddy doesn't want her! I have had the experience of this on more than one occasion when my son was younger. It pained me to see the sadness and abandonment in his eyes. Alexis was too young to understand, but as soon as Mikey was 2 he did know that daddy forgot him again. I can't bear to see Isabella go through this too! But, how can I protect her from that?
Life would've been wonderful if we had gotten married or were going to. But he choose not to have that life. He chose to walk away from 2 children that love and adore him and his daughter. He chose to walk away from me and I loved him unconditionally! So, now I find myself picking up the broken pieces of my children's hearts from all of this! How life should've been better. But is life ever fair? Children often are affected the most. As much as my heart broke and breaks, I can't even imagine the confusion they are going through and the abandonment. They just ask why Ryan stopped loving us. I can't give them a reason. I don't even know. . .
So, now I must rely on God and His peace. Hopefully in time, life works itself out!
One of my friends jokenly said going from being with Ryan to going out with David and how David really likes me, that I'd be going from rags to riches. I thought about that. I knew that when I was with Ryan, it wasn't because of the money. I knew our life was going to be tough in the beginning as we'd have to just save and not have everything we wanted, but I also knew that was what would've drew our family closer together, because we would've done things together more with the kids. We would've counted and relied on each other and we would've been happy. If in time I do end up with David, I know I'll never have to worry about money. It just isn't an issue with him. I know because I told him to me right now 200 is a lot, and he said it was pennies. But I also know I didn't want that either. I want a husband who will be around! I want a real family. I had that with Ryan.
My mom said it'll be hard to fill the place of Ryan and the love I have for him. But I can't wait forever. So, yes, I wait and Trust God for His miracles! And yes, I will take the advice of my friend. I will just focus on the kids! I will focus on school. It will be hard, but I believe with school starting next week, it'll be much easier. I know, I know . . . you must be thinking, not again. Not for the millionth time. . . But this is what was on my mind this morning. And yes, I am giving Ryan into God's hands. Because I know that we will never have a family. I know he'll never choose the love of just me, one woman who would love him without reservation. I know that he'll never choose the love of my 2 and to become a daddy to them, to be able to take Mikey out on Men's trips and do father son things. I know that he won't choose the love of his own daughter, who would adore and love her daddy and her older sissy, Jadyn. He won't because he can't let his past go. He did once, and then he became afraid and turned his back on what he had with us and what was real.
So, once again this is my life. . . .
I know in time I will make the right decision. Because it's not about just me. I have my children to think about as well. They need a daddy who will be there and not walk away.
But I am glad we can remain friends. That will be good for his daughter, our daughter. It just sad is all. : (
Until that day, God give me peace!
Contemplating Life,
Bri
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
What I Want. Life & Men!
Hi! OK, so for now, I am done. I have to buy some new calculator batteries, so I can do the math test! Yuk! Seriously though, when you get to the level of Calculus, you forget how to do simple algebra. I hate math in the first place. The only reason I would consider taking it is because it is a requirement for some of the med schools I am interested in. HMMM! I remember hating precal!! YUK!
So, this semester I am back in Chem, Bio and Philosophy. I am actually really excited for school! I love learning! And for the next 2 1/2 years, I will be in both! Mainly because I have to take bio chem, or I would be done. HMMM. But I will be in Bio until i graduate, unless I of course going the nursing route in a year. I guess only time will tell!
So, along with time will tell, my talk with David was quite interesting. I finally brought up education with him. I asked him what he thought of me doing nursing school instead of becoming a doctor. Yes, we still talk because we're good friends.
He asked why on earth I would do that. I told him so that I could stay home more with the kids and not be on call all the time! And besides, if I went to medical school I would have to leave the state for at least residency even if I got into med school here because you can't do your residency at the same place as medical school.
He of course started to change his tune. He said he really wants me to become a doctor, but if I were to become a nurse I'd at least have to get my masters. He thinks everyone should at least have a PHD and can't see why anyone wouldn't want one. I know it sounds bad, but he just thinks people should educate themselves. But he said if we did ever end up together, he wouldn't mind me only getting a masters so that I could still make good money but also stay home with the 4 more kids he wants! LOL! MEN!
But last night I told him I didn't want to even think about any more children until I was married, and I didn't want to marry anytime within the next year. He asked if was because of Ryan, but my honest answer now is no. No it is not. I have gotten to the point where I know that won't happen and even if he and I ever ended up together by some random miracle, I still would not want to marry him for at least a year or longer now. I guess when things happen that make you question things, you start to really evaluate what it is you really want!
So then my question to myself is what do I really want? I mean seriously. What do I want in a man? And what do I want out of life?
When I was dating Ryan, I loved being called his and loved knowing where my life was going to be like. I loved the family dynamics we had and our chemistry was an instant connection! I loved making dinner for him and the kids and taking care of them! I even loved doing the dishes, sweeping the floors and mopping them on my hands and knees! I didn't mind the vacuuming or the dusting or the piles of laundry to fold sort and put away or making the beds! I even loved cleaning the bathroom! But the reason I loved all those things is because God had put it in me to be the homemaker for the man I loved. So I did it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! I never once sighed over it! I even took out the garbage with a happy tune! So yes, I did know what I was getting myself into, and I also knew I would never look back on my life and regret that decision. I knew all of his faults and short coming, and I still loved and accepted him. Life with him was "home" to me. Does that make sense? So of course when we broke up I was a little more than heart broken! But, he did give me one thing that he can take from me! He gave me a part of him in a sense and I'll love her just as much if not more than him! And she'll call me mommy and love me back!
So someday I know that the right man if he hasn't already come into my life, will! I then again will love to do all those things and more! I love being that woman, that wife to her husband and the mom that does all the family stuff with the kids! No matter what, I get to be that mommy! But I will again be happy in everything I do with my future husband, because I will know that he is the love of my life! I have realized I will not settle for something or someone that isn't what I am looking for!
So maybe I am the pickiest of picky, but I am also very sure of what I want and if he isn't it, I have just simply said thank you for your interest, but no. I do want a man who first of all respects himself. That means enough to know who he is and what he wants. That means that when he is with me, he is and always will be with only me! That he doesn't talk to his exes any longer because he doesn't need to. That I will be enough to satisfy him! He also needs to know I am very serious about family. That means I DON'T want a workaholic or someone who isn't there for the family. I don't want someone who can't get away for a week or so for a family vacation once a year, and who can spend the weekends with me and the kids! He must love the outdoors and love to camp and go fishing and whatnot! I love hiking and trails so, I want someone who can and does appreciate nature! But I also know I want someone who has a passion for sports! My kids, all of them are in sports! I played my whole life, so, I'd love it if he still played or did something that he could pass on to the children!
I want someone who will go to church with me and pray with me and the kids! Basically I want a family man who has character and integrity! Someone who wouldn't mind if I made more than him or perhaps less!
But I learned that I am worth waiting for, fighting for and wanting to only be with me! I deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect and to be the only woman in his life! I don't mind, in fact I'd encourage him to have friends he goes out with or invites over! And if he wants to have time for himself to do something he loves whether it's a sport or what have you, then I believe he should be able to! We are each individuals and still need to embrace who God made us to be! I definitely will accept him for who he is, faults, quirks and all! And I deserve to be accepted for who I am! We shouldn't try to change each other, rather want to be a better person because of each other! If he can challenge me and I can challenge him and we just connect in that chemistry sort of way, I believe that it'll work! If you let it work and if you don't freak out, and you want to be with that person and choose to love them, and they you and you let them love you, then you will find your happiness!
Yes, as many do say, love is a choice we must choose daily! Even when we don't want to! If you judge love based on your emotions and feelings you'll never find it and you will never be happy!
Yes, I did choose to love Ryan and that is why I forgave him for all the hurt and pain he caused me and the kids several times! I choose to love him as the father of Isabella! I could turn my back on him as everyone has told me to do. I could get married quickly to another, turn my back on him and move away. I could choose not to let him be in his daughter's life! I have the rights and power to do that, but I leave my power in God's hands and choose to still see the good in him despite everything we've gone through.
But I also choose to put my heart and love life in God's hands and I choose to love whomever God gives to me!
So, those are my thoughts 4 now!
Trusting,
Bri
So, this semester I am back in Chem, Bio and Philosophy. I am actually really excited for school! I love learning! And for the next 2 1/2 years, I will be in both! Mainly because I have to take bio chem, or I would be done. HMMM. But I will be in Bio until i graduate, unless I of course going the nursing route in a year. I guess only time will tell!
So, along with time will tell, my talk with David was quite interesting. I finally brought up education with him. I asked him what he thought of me doing nursing school instead of becoming a doctor. Yes, we still talk because we're good friends.
He asked why on earth I would do that. I told him so that I could stay home more with the kids and not be on call all the time! And besides, if I went to medical school I would have to leave the state for at least residency even if I got into med school here because you can't do your residency at the same place as medical school.
He of course started to change his tune. He said he really wants me to become a doctor, but if I were to become a nurse I'd at least have to get my masters. He thinks everyone should at least have a PHD and can't see why anyone wouldn't want one. I know it sounds bad, but he just thinks people should educate themselves. But he said if we did ever end up together, he wouldn't mind me only getting a masters so that I could still make good money but also stay home with the 4 more kids he wants! LOL! MEN!
But last night I told him I didn't want to even think about any more children until I was married, and I didn't want to marry anytime within the next year. He asked if was because of Ryan, but my honest answer now is no. No it is not. I have gotten to the point where I know that won't happen and even if he and I ever ended up together by some random miracle, I still would not want to marry him for at least a year or longer now. I guess when things happen that make you question things, you start to really evaluate what it is you really want!
So then my question to myself is what do I really want? I mean seriously. What do I want in a man? And what do I want out of life?
When I was dating Ryan, I loved being called his and loved knowing where my life was going to be like. I loved the family dynamics we had and our chemistry was an instant connection! I loved making dinner for him and the kids and taking care of them! I even loved doing the dishes, sweeping the floors and mopping them on my hands and knees! I didn't mind the vacuuming or the dusting or the piles of laundry to fold sort and put away or making the beds! I even loved cleaning the bathroom! But the reason I loved all those things is because God had put it in me to be the homemaker for the man I loved. So I did it with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! I never once sighed over it! I even took out the garbage with a happy tune! So yes, I did know what I was getting myself into, and I also knew I would never look back on my life and regret that decision. I knew all of his faults and short coming, and I still loved and accepted him. Life with him was "home" to me. Does that make sense? So of course when we broke up I was a little more than heart broken! But, he did give me one thing that he can take from me! He gave me a part of him in a sense and I'll love her just as much if not more than him! And she'll call me mommy and love me back!
So someday I know that the right man if he hasn't already come into my life, will! I then again will love to do all those things and more! I love being that woman, that wife to her husband and the mom that does all the family stuff with the kids! No matter what, I get to be that mommy! But I will again be happy in everything I do with my future husband, because I will know that he is the love of my life! I have realized I will not settle for something or someone that isn't what I am looking for!
So maybe I am the pickiest of picky, but I am also very sure of what I want and if he isn't it, I have just simply said thank you for your interest, but no. I do want a man who first of all respects himself. That means enough to know who he is and what he wants. That means that when he is with me, he is and always will be with only me! That he doesn't talk to his exes any longer because he doesn't need to. That I will be enough to satisfy him! He also needs to know I am very serious about family. That means I DON'T want a workaholic or someone who isn't there for the family. I don't want someone who can't get away for a week or so for a family vacation once a year, and who can spend the weekends with me and the kids! He must love the outdoors and love to camp and go fishing and whatnot! I love hiking and trails so, I want someone who can and does appreciate nature! But I also know I want someone who has a passion for sports! My kids, all of them are in sports! I played my whole life, so, I'd love it if he still played or did something that he could pass on to the children!
I want someone who will go to church with me and pray with me and the kids! Basically I want a family man who has character and integrity! Someone who wouldn't mind if I made more than him or perhaps less!
But I learned that I am worth waiting for, fighting for and wanting to only be with me! I deserve to be treated with dignity, honor and respect and to be the only woman in his life! I don't mind, in fact I'd encourage him to have friends he goes out with or invites over! And if he wants to have time for himself to do something he loves whether it's a sport or what have you, then I believe he should be able to! We are each individuals and still need to embrace who God made us to be! I definitely will accept him for who he is, faults, quirks and all! And I deserve to be accepted for who I am! We shouldn't try to change each other, rather want to be a better person because of each other! If he can challenge me and I can challenge him and we just connect in that chemistry sort of way, I believe that it'll work! If you let it work and if you don't freak out, and you want to be with that person and choose to love them, and they you and you let them love you, then you will find your happiness!
Yes, as many do say, love is a choice we must choose daily! Even when we don't want to! If you judge love based on your emotions and feelings you'll never find it and you will never be happy!
Yes, I did choose to love Ryan and that is why I forgave him for all the hurt and pain he caused me and the kids several times! I choose to love him as the father of Isabella! I could turn my back on him as everyone has told me to do. I could get married quickly to another, turn my back on him and move away. I could choose not to let him be in his daughter's life! I have the rights and power to do that, but I leave my power in God's hands and choose to still see the good in him despite everything we've gone through.
But I also choose to put my heart and love life in God's hands and I choose to love whomever God gives to me!
So, those are my thoughts 4 now!
Trusting,
Bri
Snug in the Oven for now!
Hi! So, the good results are that Izzy will stay snug inside of me for 2 more weeks, so until I am 25 weeks I can sigh a breath of relief, so I can start school next week and not have to worry the first week!
However, I have to still go in for shots now every 2 weeks and be tested because the lab tests that they do are only valid 4 2 weeks By the time Izzy comes, I am going to have one sore bottom! I told Ry it's a good thing he's the daddy! LOL! It is still sore 3 days later! They said by the time it stops hurting I get the next one! HMMM! So, I am not going to have a great time sitting in classes! Yuk! Oh well! Such is the life to keep Izzy in and healthy!
That's it for now, I have to go do school stuff. I have 8 chapters do before the first day of class. And i heard that one of my profs will dismiss you from class if you haven't read and know the material! Thus I should get use to this if I want to go into the medical field! LOL!
Oh, I talked to David last night! It was quite an interesting talk! But no time now. Perhaps later! Also, Mikey's first day of Kindergarten was today! But I will share those thoughts later today as well! Oh, and cool news, Mikey passed pike and now is in superpike for swimming! He is excited! Lexi is of course still not as confident so she is back in pike, but they start soccer as well in a few weeks, and Lexi is still in ballet! More about the kids later!
Until then have a spectacular day!
Bri
However, I have to still go in for shots now every 2 weeks and be tested because the lab tests that they do are only valid 4 2 weeks By the time Izzy comes, I am going to have one sore bottom! I told Ry it's a good thing he's the daddy! LOL! It is still sore 3 days later! They said by the time it stops hurting I get the next one! HMMM! So, I am not going to have a great time sitting in classes! Yuk! Oh well! Such is the life to keep Izzy in and healthy!
That's it for now, I have to go do school stuff. I have 8 chapters do before the first day of class. And i heard that one of my profs will dismiss you from class if you haven't read and know the material! Thus I should get use to this if I want to go into the medical field! LOL!
Oh, I talked to David last night! It was quite an interesting talk! But no time now. Perhaps later! Also, Mikey's first day of Kindergarten was today! But I will share those thoughts later today as well! Oh, and cool news, Mikey passed pike and now is in superpike for swimming! He is excited! Lexi is of course still not as confident so she is back in pike, but they start soccer as well in a few weeks, and Lexi is still in ballet! More about the kids later!
Until then have a spectacular day!
Bri
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
New perspective
Hi! Alexis had x-rays today and her legs are fine! Thank God! Not much else happening. I am just exhausted, because the pain came back to my body, on the left side again. They aren't sure what is causing it. HMMM. . . OH well!
So, as for now, the contractions have completely stopped thanks to the shot! But my butt is sore and bruised! LOL! OW! Well, I am going to go lay down for now. . .
Oh, one of my good friends I hadn't talked to in a while called last night! It was good talking with him. He had some great advice regarding everything I am going through these days.
Basically he said to try and put Ryan completely out of my mind. That whenever I start to drift towards thoughts of him, pray that God removes that and occupy myself with something else. He said it looks as if I was just being played again this past month. Geez. He's probably right. He said Ryan will never choose his baby girl and I. And the sooner I get on with my life without him the better off I will be. I suppose he is right. So, for now i will try this. But for now, I have to go lay down!
Dazed,
Bri
So, as for now, the contractions have completely stopped thanks to the shot! But my butt is sore and bruised! LOL! OW! Well, I am going to go lay down for now. . .
Oh, one of my good friends I hadn't talked to in a while called last night! It was good talking with him. He had some great advice regarding everything I am going through these days.
Basically he said to try and put Ryan completely out of my mind. That whenever I start to drift towards thoughts of him, pray that God removes that and occupy myself with something else. He said it looks as if I was just being played again this past month. Geez. He's probably right. He said Ryan will never choose his baby girl and I. And the sooner I get on with my life without him the better off I will be. I suppose he is right. So, for now i will try this. But for now, I have to go lay down!
Dazed,
Bri
Monday, August 27, 2007
Boy Vrs Girl
Just for the record. The only reason I originally wanted a boy is because I thought Ryan would love it more and accept it more. But I love my baby girl. And if it were up to me, I'd want a girl anyhow. So I am glad! Besides, if Ryan can't love his baby girl then well, that is his problem! She will be loved no matter what! I have enough love for her for both of us!
So yes, I did want a baby girl! God knew the desires of my heart and knew what would be best for this family. Apparently He thinks it's good that Mikey is the only boy for now! LOL!
So again, good night and sweet dreams! : )
So yes, I did want a baby girl! God knew the desires of my heart and knew what would be best for this family. Apparently He thinks it's good that Mikey is the only boy for now! LOL!
So again, good night and sweet dreams! : )
baby update, keeping her in!
Hi! OK, so here's the update. Today I had a progesterone shot. Let's just say it hurts to sit! OW! But seriously, the contractions got to the point where I couldn't move and the doc felt them, so she said it was time to start getting serious since I am dilating still. They said I will have to have weekly visits at 26 weeks and beyond. They are predicting I won't make it past 32 weeks gestation. That means she'll be born on Halloween! That can't happen! My kids would be so disappointed! I want her to stay in there until school is out. GRRR! An to think David told me last night that if we were to marry he'd want me to have 2 to 4 more! He's insane!
Like I said nothing will ever become of Ry and I. Even if I got my nursing degree and stayed here and made quite a bit of money, it still wouldn't work. It's because he can't love me the way he should and I deserve to be the ONLY woman in my husband life. Go figure! LOL!
It is so difficult that David is not a christian because he treats me so well, with respect and honor. We've laughed so much together these days and he's been there for me lately. I know he'd never cheat. He's established and sincere. I'm at a loss of what to do, because my heart and love belongs to Ry and still and yet I want to be able to give it to a man who will treat me the way I should be. I guess I just wait on God and see where He leads me. I guess I will see what happens when Izzy is born! Until then I have to focus on keeping her in for the next 17 weeks! Anything past 24 weeks which is next week will be a miracle. But for now, I am beat and worn and well, heading to bed.
Tomorrow I take Alexis in for X rays because she fell from the money bars and is still limping and she said it hurts at the knee so they are afraid it could be a fracture that could lead to a break. So pray all is well with her and she is just bruised.
So good night for now.
Bri
Like I said nothing will ever become of Ry and I. Even if I got my nursing degree and stayed here and made quite a bit of money, it still wouldn't work. It's because he can't love me the way he should and I deserve to be the ONLY woman in my husband life. Go figure! LOL!
It is so difficult that David is not a christian because he treats me so well, with respect and honor. We've laughed so much together these days and he's been there for me lately. I know he'd never cheat. He's established and sincere. I'm at a loss of what to do, because my heart and love belongs to Ry and still and yet I want to be able to give it to a man who will treat me the way I should be. I guess I just wait on God and see where He leads me. I guess I will see what happens when Izzy is born! Until then I have to focus on keeping her in for the next 17 weeks! Anything past 24 weeks which is next week will be a miracle. But for now, I am beat and worn and well, heading to bed.
Tomorrow I take Alexis in for X rays because she fell from the money bars and is still limping and she said it hurts at the knee so they are afraid it could be a fracture that could lead to a break. So pray all is well with her and she is just bruised.
So good night for now.
Bri
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Things Unnoticed Becaome Important!
Have you ever been with someone for so long that you don't really pay attention to the fine details? Or maybe it was because you were so blinded by love? For me, it seemed to be this way. I guess when you don't see someone for a few months and then you do again, you notice everything about them that you never noticed before? Or perhaps it because I never really paid attention or gave a real massage, but let me tell you, things become so apparent. Maybe it's because you want to memorize everything about them, that you took for granted before? Who knows? I know that is what happened between Ry and I. It's almost as if we learned so much more about one other the other day than when we were dating. LOL!! Life, and just knowing things seemed so much more important because we hadn't seen each other for a long time! HMMM
Izzy is awake!
Izzy is kicking up a storm, and I am so exhausted and in pain, so I am heading to bed. I have to call the doc tomorrow and see if I am supposed to go back in. So, I guess we wait and see. I am hoping they have the results back, because I may need gallbladder surgery. HMM. . . Well, I guess I just wait. God knows what He's doing, even if I don't! LOL!
Good Night all! Sleep well and sweet dreams! : )
Good Night all! Sleep well and sweet dreams! : )
Baby Update and Behind the love Scenes
Good Morning! Or should I say afternoon? I finally am feeling Isabella Kick, this morning. That is a good sign my midwife said. However, My whole left side was in so much pain last night, I couldn't move. In fact it took my breath away. I am trying to stay off the pain meds though, because I need to make sure Izzy is still active. So I haven't used any of them for a a week now. However, the breathlessness is still there and I still feel as if something is still off. I have pain in my abdomen and the contractions come and go as well as the backache. I am still dilating and effacing. I am now over 50% effaced and that is not good. What that means is that my cervix is halfway thinned. As soon as I am 100% effaced and past a 7 in Dilation there is no returning. I have to have Izzy.
I haven't really talked with Ryan about this, because well he doesn't know what he wants let alone what he wants to do. I have accepted the fact he and I will never get back together. He doesn't love me like he should nor do I think he is capable of it! I just hope he doesn't walk away from Izzy.
Yes, I miss being in his arms and having him hold me as we gaze into each other's eyes. That was just last week. I remember washing my hands and I asked him what he wanted and he said to join him because he wanted to hold me again. I went and laid in his arms, while he stroke my hair. I sighed with happiness. Then I looked up at him into his eyes and he asked what I was looking at and I said you, how handsome you are. Then I rested my head back down on him chest. As he stroked my hair again he said I could look at him anytime I wanted. We laid there for a minute and then I finally gazed into his eyes and he met me with a tender kiss. We lost ourselves in each other with kisses We laughed and it was as if things never changed! I won't go into anymore detail because well it's in the book I am writing! LOL! But we ended up talking about life and what we were going to do with baby Izzy. We ended up parting on great terms and he walked me to my car and held me then gently kissed me goodbye. he said he'd call me.
I knew though as I drove away that was it. There was no more. We were done. Though my heart still belongs to him I know now it'll never be anything more. Because when we talked yesterday I knew. I was so sad. I know I am just being played, but how can I not love him? How do I possibly get over him? So many questions, yet there answers are not clear. The only thing completely clear is that we will never be back together. Anyhow, That is life with baby and behind the scenes with Ryan.
I haven't really talked with Ryan about this, because well he doesn't know what he wants let alone what he wants to do. I have accepted the fact he and I will never get back together. He doesn't love me like he should nor do I think he is capable of it! I just hope he doesn't walk away from Izzy.
Yes, I miss being in his arms and having him hold me as we gaze into each other's eyes. That was just last week. I remember washing my hands and I asked him what he wanted and he said to join him because he wanted to hold me again. I went and laid in his arms, while he stroke my hair. I sighed with happiness. Then I looked up at him into his eyes and he asked what I was looking at and I said you, how handsome you are. Then I rested my head back down on him chest. As he stroked my hair again he said I could look at him anytime I wanted. We laid there for a minute and then I finally gazed into his eyes and he met me with a tender kiss. We lost ourselves in each other with kisses We laughed and it was as if things never changed! I won't go into anymore detail because well it's in the book I am writing! LOL! But we ended up talking about life and what we were going to do with baby Izzy. We ended up parting on great terms and he walked me to my car and held me then gently kissed me goodbye. he said he'd call me.
I knew though as I drove away that was it. There was no more. We were done. Though my heart still belongs to him I know now it'll never be anything more. Because when we talked yesterday I knew. I was so sad. I know I am just being played, but how can I not love him? How do I possibly get over him? So many questions, yet there answers are not clear. The only thing completely clear is that we will never be back together. Anyhow, That is life with baby and behind the scenes with Ryan.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Something's off : (
Have you ever had that feeling that something just isn't quite right within your body? Well that is how I've been feeling all day. In fact I haven't felt Izzy move in a few days. My midwife, Peggy said that at this rate I should feel her move 10 times in an hour. I also have been having severe backache and contractions. So, if she doesn't move by tonight and they don't subside, I have to go in for fetal monitoring and a stress test. I've tried the whole bath thing and things haven't changed. I have tried doing several different things they have suggested. I am use to the contractions, however, when baby Izzy doesn't move, it somewhat worries me. I will write more tonight depending on the progress or what is going on with Izzy. I just hope she is OK. Last thing I need is her under stress or being put on severe bedrest! HMMM!
That's it for now.
That's it for now.
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Writer's Masterpiece. Life as it unfolds!
Hi All! This is a forewarning. This is going to be a very short post. I am extremely exhausted to the point where my eyes are burning and I can barely see, so if there are any misspelled words or the like of leaving out words, that is my disclaimer as i am practically typing blind.
I have decided to try and keep as much baby stuff and whatnot to this blog. It is after-all a blog on life. My life. So it may be a little more detailed with what is going on. Yes, it did originally start out as a blog about Ryan and my life, but given that he's in and out of it, mostly out of it, it is now about life in general. The good, the bad, the laughter and joy, the tears and the pain!
Secondly, I have started writing a novel, or perhaps and autobiography about my life. The one that I am currently writing starts with the story of Ryan and I. However, there are very few details left out and it is not for children to read. If it were a movie it'd be rated R for content. Yes, my life isn't a G or even PG movie. I sometimes wish it were because it'd have a very happy ending, but then there would be no real passion, no hate, no tears, and definitely no love that would create a baby. Now mind you, If my life were a movie, it'd be one where the scenes were definitely always changing. What you expect to read, you won't and what you won't expect to read, you will. As with any book of value, to go into intimate detail while describing something is what paints the picture. That is why this story is NOT for children. However, I know that I have to start writing my life in a sequel of novels. The funny thing is many people throughout my life have told me I was to write and now I finally am starting. I have always been a writer by nature and if I weren't going to be some medical person, I'd live by the pen so to speak. But unfortunately I have mouths to feed besides my own, so this is in my very spare time. As it may take years to complete! Every character in my stories are true. However to protect the privacy of some, I have changed their names. So, in given this, I promise to give my friends the website that I will be writing it on. So, if they so choose to read it as I write, they may. But once I am finished, I will make hard cover and take it to a publisher I know. I will always have the original writings on me and copy written as I have actually had a few of my songs stolen from me in the past as people have tried to publish them as their own. That is why I will NEVER put my music profile up again. Anyhow, for those of you who do know me and don't want to know the intimate details of things, I suggest you skip chapters or not bother reading it. LOL! Like I said once I have everything set up, I will then give you all the site. The hardest thing and longest thing for an author is to copy everything you've written manually and put it into type. There have been days and sometimes months where I write and then reread it and throw it out. Or I edit the whole thing until it no longer even resembled what I said in the first 5 drafts! So, just remember as you read, you may judge a book by it's cover or rather in this case a person, but you have to remember this. How many of you can say you've lived a life worth living and have written about it! I know it will be judged and judged harshly by my friends and family but on that note, it'll only make me a better writer.
As some may know i was published a few times back in high school for short stories that were based on real life. I have also won many awards for my poetry and am published withing the poet world as well. For the past 3 years I've won best poetess of the year award for different works. All written from real life. If one writes, I believe it should come from real life! My music, all of it is inspired my the people in my life and a lot of it comes from my poetry.
No, I may not be fighting dragons or making spells of saving lives, but I do know that my life, my stories, my diaries I have kept since I was 10 will touch people.
I plan on writing about the story of my first real missions trip and how I almost died, after this. I recently found books I'd written when I was in the 4th grade! LOL! Someday, I will rewrite them for children. But for now, you'll have to deal with not hearing too much from me on here and if you want real life stuff, then here's the place to read it, and in a few days/weeks, you can read about passion, lust, romance, fighting, and the gory stuff that people try to forget!
OK so it wasn't so short. What can I say, I truly am a writer and God gave me the gift of writing! My mom even has mentioned to me several times, tonight included, that I should just be a famous writer. She said I'd be well published. Yes, I must confess, English is the easiest subject for me! Though I may be a horrific speller, some of the best writers of all times can't spell! And yes, I can and always have been able to write a paper in a night with no rough draft and still get a 100. Everyone is good at something and gifted in some way, I finally found my gifting in writing!
No it is not titled as of yet, because frankly I don't know how Ryan and my life will end. I may end this novel with the birth of our daughter. But mind you, though it starts from Ryan and my first letters to each other, it does contain other men and women in it. Just a forewarning!
Well, so now my eyes are on fire so I must retire them to what Ryan calls sleepy time!
So good night, and farewell for now my loved ones! And stay tuned for the story coming soon!
This tired yet passionate gal!
I have decided to try and keep as much baby stuff and whatnot to this blog. It is after-all a blog on life. My life. So it may be a little more detailed with what is going on. Yes, it did originally start out as a blog about Ryan and my life, but given that he's in and out of it, mostly out of it, it is now about life in general. The good, the bad, the laughter and joy, the tears and the pain!
Secondly, I have started writing a novel, or perhaps and autobiography about my life. The one that I am currently writing starts with the story of Ryan and I. However, there are very few details left out and it is not for children to read. If it were a movie it'd be rated R for content. Yes, my life isn't a G or even PG movie. I sometimes wish it were because it'd have a very happy ending, but then there would be no real passion, no hate, no tears, and definitely no love that would create a baby. Now mind you, If my life were a movie, it'd be one where the scenes were definitely always changing. What you expect to read, you won't and what you won't expect to read, you will. As with any book of value, to go into intimate detail while describing something is what paints the picture. That is why this story is NOT for children. However, I know that I have to start writing my life in a sequel of novels. The funny thing is many people throughout my life have told me I was to write and now I finally am starting. I have always been a writer by nature and if I weren't going to be some medical person, I'd live by the pen so to speak. But unfortunately I have mouths to feed besides my own, so this is in my very spare time. As it may take years to complete! Every character in my stories are true. However to protect the privacy of some, I have changed their names. So, in given this, I promise to give my friends the website that I will be writing it on. So, if they so choose to read it as I write, they may. But once I am finished, I will make hard cover and take it to a publisher I know. I will always have the original writings on me and copy written as I have actually had a few of my songs stolen from me in the past as people have tried to publish them as their own. That is why I will NEVER put my music profile up again. Anyhow, for those of you who do know me and don't want to know the intimate details of things, I suggest you skip chapters or not bother reading it. LOL! Like I said once I have everything set up, I will then give you all the site. The hardest thing and longest thing for an author is to copy everything you've written manually and put it into type. There have been days and sometimes months where I write and then reread it and throw it out. Or I edit the whole thing until it no longer even resembled what I said in the first 5 drafts! So, just remember as you read, you may judge a book by it's cover or rather in this case a person, but you have to remember this. How many of you can say you've lived a life worth living and have written about it! I know it will be judged and judged harshly by my friends and family but on that note, it'll only make me a better writer.
As some may know i was published a few times back in high school for short stories that were based on real life. I have also won many awards for my poetry and am published withing the poet world as well. For the past 3 years I've won best poetess of the year award for different works. All written from real life. If one writes, I believe it should come from real life! My music, all of it is inspired my the people in my life and a lot of it comes from my poetry.
No, I may not be fighting dragons or making spells of saving lives, but I do know that my life, my stories, my diaries I have kept since I was 10 will touch people.
I plan on writing about the story of my first real missions trip and how I almost died, after this. I recently found books I'd written when I was in the 4th grade! LOL! Someday, I will rewrite them for children. But for now, you'll have to deal with not hearing too much from me on here and if you want real life stuff, then here's the place to read it, and in a few days/weeks, you can read about passion, lust, romance, fighting, and the gory stuff that people try to forget!
OK so it wasn't so short. What can I say, I truly am a writer and God gave me the gift of writing! My mom even has mentioned to me several times, tonight included, that I should just be a famous writer. She said I'd be well published. Yes, I must confess, English is the easiest subject for me! Though I may be a horrific speller, some of the best writers of all times can't spell! And yes, I can and always have been able to write a paper in a night with no rough draft and still get a 100. Everyone is good at something and gifted in some way, I finally found my gifting in writing!
No it is not titled as of yet, because frankly I don't know how Ryan and my life will end. I may end this novel with the birth of our daughter. But mind you, though it starts from Ryan and my first letters to each other, it does contain other men and women in it. Just a forewarning!
Well, so now my eyes are on fire so I must retire them to what Ryan calls sleepy time!
So good night, and farewell for now my loved ones! And stay tuned for the story coming soon!
This tired yet passionate gal!
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Torn, the baby, & choices
Good Evening. . . I know it's taken me a day to write, but alas I finally am. So yes, yesterday was Isabella's ultrasound. She is still not weighing in at a pound yet which has the doctors somewhat concerned. Other than that, she is on target for her age growth. She has long legs though! And boy do I feel them kick!
I was really happy that Ryan did come. That alone made my whole day. I do want him to connect with his daughter. He said he is still unsure of things and doesn't know what he's going to do. I do so much want them to have that father, daughter bond, but he has to be the one to initiate it. It was so good seeing him though and talking with him. We ended things on a good note, but I am still so cautious, because my eyes have been opened, and I just can't trust again. Not yet. I am not saying that we will get back together, because that is out of the cards. He still is with or is dating or whatever he wants to call it, that woman he left me, the kids and his baby for. He has told me he is not, but if he is still hanging out with her, that means he has made his decision. Maybe it's selfish, but I just can't nor want her near my baby girl. And if I know she is in his life at all, I won't want him taking Isabella. She is mine. She is the whole reason he and I are no longer together, so there is no way I want her near my daughter. She ruined things. Everything, in fact. Is it so wrong to want that?
Then David called last night. He and I talked for a long time. He seems somewhat worried about Ryan coming back into my life, but I told him there is no chance of that. That Ryan will never come back in, because he has no idea what he wants, nor do I want that. I know that I want to be with a man who knows what he wants. As good as it was to be in Ryan's arms when he hugged me yesterday, I need more than that, and he can't give me that. So, David really has no threats or worries. I know the longer Ryan and I remain apart, the more I will pull away and be guarded. But I know now, that this is life and it's not going to happen. I've dealt with it. Now I just have to protect my heart.
So, I have 18 weeks to think about things. I mean at the most. Izzy is due by then. And well, when she is born that will be the deadline. The last chance Ryan will have to know what he wants to do. But if that woman is in his life, it doesn't matter.
Anyhow, I am torn, because I like talking with Ryan and being friends again, but that comes and goes on his whim. I hate that. I don't like being played. Or this wide-eyed girl who has hope, but knows there really is no hope.
Confused. . .
Bri
I was really happy that Ryan did come. That alone made my whole day. I do want him to connect with his daughter. He said he is still unsure of things and doesn't know what he's going to do. I do so much want them to have that father, daughter bond, but he has to be the one to initiate it. It was so good seeing him though and talking with him. We ended things on a good note, but I am still so cautious, because my eyes have been opened, and I just can't trust again. Not yet. I am not saying that we will get back together, because that is out of the cards. He still is with or is dating or whatever he wants to call it, that woman he left me, the kids and his baby for. He has told me he is not, but if he is still hanging out with her, that means he has made his decision. Maybe it's selfish, but I just can't nor want her near my baby girl. And if I know she is in his life at all, I won't want him taking Isabella. She is mine. She is the whole reason he and I are no longer together, so there is no way I want her near my daughter. She ruined things. Everything, in fact. Is it so wrong to want that?
Then David called last night. He and I talked for a long time. He seems somewhat worried about Ryan coming back into my life, but I told him there is no chance of that. That Ryan will never come back in, because he has no idea what he wants, nor do I want that. I know that I want to be with a man who knows what he wants. As good as it was to be in Ryan's arms when he hugged me yesterday, I need more than that, and he can't give me that. So, David really has no threats or worries. I know the longer Ryan and I remain apart, the more I will pull away and be guarded. But I know now, that this is life and it's not going to happen. I've dealt with it. Now I just have to protect my heart.
So, I have 18 weeks to think about things. I mean at the most. Izzy is due by then. And well, when she is born that will be the deadline. The last chance Ryan will have to know what he wants to do. But if that woman is in his life, it doesn't matter.
Anyhow, I am torn, because I like talking with Ryan and being friends again, but that comes and goes on his whim. I hate that. I don't like being played. Or this wide-eyed girl who has hope, but knows there really is no hope.
Confused. . .
Bri
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Ultrasound Results, so Cool!
Hi! Ultrasound was good. She is still definitely a girl! I am exhausted, so I will write more later. It went well though, and Ryan did come. We actually talked and it was good. Maybe things won't be so bad after all. . . But I still won't hold my breath. . .
But for now, he and I are on good terms again. That's all I am saying for tonight. We did talk about Izzy and are trying to figure out what will be best for her. That's what I mainly care about now. Is my daughter. I most likely will be very protective. However, I told him I wanted him to be more in her life than a every other weekend dad. He agreed with that. I told him however, I don't want her around the drinking. He knows that upsets me. I do want them to bond, but he has his end to hold up to. Which means he has to prove to me some things.
So anyhow, this is life. We both loved seeing our baby girl on the ultrasound! It was so awesome seeing her bones and muscles! We saw the heart and the chambers still open! It was incredible! Let's just say she is very finicky about her space and does NOT like people invading it! LOL!
I'll write the rest in the morning!
Good Night for now!
But for now, he and I are on good terms again. That's all I am saying for tonight. We did talk about Izzy and are trying to figure out what will be best for her. That's what I mainly care about now. Is my daughter. I most likely will be very protective. However, I told him I wanted him to be more in her life than a every other weekend dad. He agreed with that. I told him however, I don't want her around the drinking. He knows that upsets me. I do want them to bond, but he has his end to hold up to. Which means he has to prove to me some things.
So anyhow, this is life. We both loved seeing our baby girl on the ultrasound! It was so awesome seeing her bones and muscles! We saw the heart and the chambers still open! It was incredible! Let's just say she is very finicky about her space and does NOT like people invading it! LOL!
I'll write the rest in the morning!
Good Night for now!
Naming Isabella~behind her chosen name!
So, I asked you all what middle name we should give Isabella. The votes came in as a time between Faith and Joy!
Here's the reasoning behind it all!
I originally wanted to name her Elizabeth, but Ryan said no. That is his Ex-wife's and Jadyn's middle name. Jadyn is his daughter. So my favorite name after that was Isabella! They both mean God is my vow! I have always loved the name Elizabeth and then there was a time a while back where I knew an Elizabeth. She was my best friend for several years. She has always been a solid rock and strength or courage in the Lord! We always laughed together and there was never a time we ever were mad with each other! She was my other half and my sister in a sense! We even thought alike! We'd talk until the wee hours of the morning and we shared absolutely everything with each other, the good the bad and all our secrets! We were always there to give each other advice!
We unfortunately lost contact, when her brother and I stopped talking. He too was my best friend. It was weird in a sense, because I was friends with both and yet I never crossed those lines and told the other what the other had told me! There became a time as many of you know that I did fall for him. He was the first man I really had feelings for and loved. He was everything to me. Though I didn't tell him until one day, when I saw him a few years back! Even after I told him, we remain good friends. Until one day, when it all just ended. I am still not sure why to this very day! It was heart-breaking and I truly thought I'd never get over him. It took two years to let the love fade. The reason it hurt me was that we had been friends for over 6 years at that point. It's not like just falling in love and losing him. We knew each other and everything about each other. Despite everything, despite each others short comings we still accepted each other as they were. So, it was hard. And when I lost his friendship, I also lost Elizabeth's. Unfortunately, when you are friends with siblings and something happens you lose both of their friendship.
So given all this, I still had told Elizabeth I'd name my next daughter after her. And I do absolutely love the name Isabella!
But I will name her Joy~Leilani after Elizabeth! I have decided that in my heart. Because despite everything, she is still the one woman that has always been strong in her faith and I'd love for my daughter to grow up to be just like her. She is the one woman everyone can look at and say she truly is a woman of God. Her steps have always been in line with Christ's! She has wisdom that not many have, even in their later years. She is a woman after His heart!
So, that is the reason behind Isabella's name! She will be a blessing and a woman of God, despite who gave her to me, and despite her father's lack of faith.
Here's the reasoning behind it all!
I originally wanted to name her Elizabeth, but Ryan said no. That is his Ex-wife's and Jadyn's middle name. Jadyn is his daughter. So my favorite name after that was Isabella! They both mean God is my vow! I have always loved the name Elizabeth and then there was a time a while back where I knew an Elizabeth. She was my best friend for several years. She has always been a solid rock and strength or courage in the Lord! We always laughed together and there was never a time we ever were mad with each other! She was my other half and my sister in a sense! We even thought alike! We'd talk until the wee hours of the morning and we shared absolutely everything with each other, the good the bad and all our secrets! We were always there to give each other advice!
We unfortunately lost contact, when her brother and I stopped talking. He too was my best friend. It was weird in a sense, because I was friends with both and yet I never crossed those lines and told the other what the other had told me! There became a time as many of you know that I did fall for him. He was the first man I really had feelings for and loved. He was everything to me. Though I didn't tell him until one day, when I saw him a few years back! Even after I told him, we remain good friends. Until one day, when it all just ended. I am still not sure why to this very day! It was heart-breaking and I truly thought I'd never get over him. It took two years to let the love fade. The reason it hurt me was that we had been friends for over 6 years at that point. It's not like just falling in love and losing him. We knew each other and everything about each other. Despite everything, despite each others short comings we still accepted each other as they were. So, it was hard. And when I lost his friendship, I also lost Elizabeth's. Unfortunately, when you are friends with siblings and something happens you lose both of their friendship.
So given all this, I still had told Elizabeth I'd name my next daughter after her. And I do absolutely love the name Isabella!
But I will name her Joy~Leilani after Elizabeth! I have decided that in my heart. Because despite everything, she is still the one woman that has always been strong in her faith and I'd love for my daughter to grow up to be just like her. She is the one woman everyone can look at and say she truly is a woman of God. Her steps have always been in line with Christ's! She has wisdom that not many have, even in their later years. She is a woman after His heart!
So, that is the reason behind Isabella's name! She will be a blessing and a woman of God, despite who gave her to me, and despite her father's lack of faith.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Busy Day
Things seem to be somewhat better today. It's just been a busy day. . . And I totally spaced that is was Alexis performance day with ballet, but thank goodness I brought the camera and took pictures of her! She was so cute! HMMM. . . just been one of those days where you have to get a ton done and yet you can't! I am exhausted and have the final ultrasound tomorrow, so I am heading to bed. Ryan said he'd try to show. At this point who knows any longer. I just want a healthy baby. I'd like him to come, since he is the father, but I suppose that will remain up to him. I'll tell you more about the baby tomorrow! BTW, yes, I am finally starting to look pregnant! The thing that stinks is that well, I have no fall or winter pregnancy clothes! Sigh. . . But it may not matter, if I am put on bed rest. I may just have to buy a few pairs of jammies! LOL! Well, we shall see what becomes of all of this!
good night!
good night!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Painting. . . Changing colors, changing lives
Hi! I thought I'd take a quick break from painting! I'm waiting for the first coat to dry so that I can finish the pink today! Yes, I am painting Alexis' new room! Since we moved Michael upstairs so that the baby could be downstairs next to me, Alexis wanted a "new room" too! So, I am putting her in Michael's old room and painting pink and a light yellow and we bought all new things for her room to give it a whole new "big girl" look! She is going from princess stuff to ballet! This way it can grow with her and not be so little girlish! She is so excited to have a baby sister coming! Michael, however wasn't too thrilled at first! He said, "Oh man, not another girl!" LOL! My poor son, is going to be surrounded by girls! He wanted a boy so that it was even! Oh, well! God gave us what He new we should have! My cousin Julie, said however, oh no, not another one! She'll be into makeup by 2! She has a little boy Alexis' age. Yes, my daughter Alexis thinks she needs "makeup" already! She won't go anywhere without her lip gloss! Now she definitely doesn't get this from me! LOL! I am usually natural unless I am going out with a guy or something! But with Alexis as an older sister, Izzy will no doubt be pampered! Yes, Michael is already calling her baby Izzy! This is good, because we can't have two sissy's as that would be too confusing!
So, onto more interesting things. . .
Lately David and I've been talking a lot! We are always laughing together and whatnot! On Thursday I told him I was excited to see the sex of my baby the next morning! He then corrected me with you mean "our baby?" LOL! He truly does like me and I have to say he seems really excited that I am having a baby! We then talked about names and I told him what I would name it. He relayed to me he does NOT like the name Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl! However, I told him he'll have to get use to it if it is a girl because I LOVE that name! He sighed.
So, yesterday I told him the sex of the baby and he said again "our baby!" I have a feeling that he's going to want to be very involved with it! However, I don't plan on getting serious with anyone again any time soon. For crying out loud, I am having a baby from a man I still love somewhat, regardless of the past and what has happened. I do like David, but he also knows that I want to take things slow because I am not ready for that right now.
Yesterday, Ryan and I talked quite a bit, in fact probably most of the morning and afternoon and some in the late evening. We talked about the baby and he said he was excited as well. I told him he better be at the baby's birth though or he was hot water! We laughed together a lot and it was almost like old times. But deep in my heart I knew it wasn't and never would be again.
I honestly have no idea why this is happening. Usually when things end, they end. Right? I mean now that I am finally to a point where I am OK to be on my own and not need or have to have or even want a guy in my life, He comes back around. Not completely, but it went from no communication to laughing together again within a week. I did see him more recently only once. And it was great to see him. But at the same time there was an emptiness inside me where there use to be joy when he hugged me! I was so torn because in that time I went from wanting to stay in his arms forever, to not sure if I wanted this life any longer. What I mean by that is, I don't want to just "be there" whenever he wants. I want to be the ONLY woman in his life and right now I know that isn't the case. When he gently kissed me, I wanted to loose myself in him but all I could see was images of him with other women. I am not stupid any longer nor am I naive. Yes, I do want him back, but I need my space and time now. And I would only take him back after he's proven to me that it is only me and only ever will be me! That means NO OTHER WOMEN! As much as I miss him and would support whatever decisions he'd make, I can't go back to being toyed with. I've moved on with my life! I think the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time was to walk away from him the other day. Trust me, I wanted to stay with him, and just loose myself in his embrace, but I knew better. I knew it was now just a fantasy and I was one of many. So, I tore myself away from him and with all my strength I told him goodbye and walked out the door. I didn't look back because I didn't want to cry. I knew as I got into my car that may be it. I questioned myself if I had done the right thing. I thought if only we could work things out and go back to the days when we were so in love and it was pure and innocent! But I knew better. After several years and just growing up, I knew that things never go back to the way the were.
As my mother and I walked into Target this morning, we were talking about Ryan. She told me I had it good with David. I told her, I'd still take Ryan though because my heart belonged to him. However, I wouldn't take him back until he could prove to me he had changed completely. I told her I'd wouldn't even contemplate marrying him for at least a year because that would show me if he was truly faithful to me and wanted to be with me and the kids. That he really did love us. And if he walked away even once, there would be no more chances. I was done. But I told her that was never going to happen. That Ryan would never come back, and I am now OK with it! I am OK to be a single mom of 3. I am OK with doing this on my own because I know God is here with me! And in God's timing, whether it be Ryan coming back (I doubt it) or someone else if not David, I will then have my prince charming, my happily ever after ending! I have waited a very long time for that time to come. I thought it finally had with Ryan, but I thought wrong. But some day it will come and I will be ready!
So, now I sit and wonder, why? Why when things are so great and I am doing good does this happen? I don't want nor need false hope! I just want truth, honesty and realness! I am done being just another girl! I deserve so much more!
So, now I wonder, where will I be 6 months from now? Even 3 months from now? Will this still weigh on my mind? Or will God change things? Who knows? I am excited to find out though!
So, onto more interesting things. . .
Lately David and I've been talking a lot! We are always laughing together and whatnot! On Thursday I told him I was excited to see the sex of my baby the next morning! He then corrected me with you mean "our baby?" LOL! He truly does like me and I have to say he seems really excited that I am having a baby! We then talked about names and I told him what I would name it. He relayed to me he does NOT like the name Isabella Joy Leilani for a girl! However, I told him he'll have to get use to it if it is a girl because I LOVE that name! He sighed.
So, yesterday I told him the sex of the baby and he said again "our baby!" I have a feeling that he's going to want to be very involved with it! However, I don't plan on getting serious with anyone again any time soon. For crying out loud, I am having a baby from a man I still love somewhat, regardless of the past and what has happened. I do like David, but he also knows that I want to take things slow because I am not ready for that right now.
Yesterday, Ryan and I talked quite a bit, in fact probably most of the morning and afternoon and some in the late evening. We talked about the baby and he said he was excited as well. I told him he better be at the baby's birth though or he was hot water! We laughed together a lot and it was almost like old times. But deep in my heart I knew it wasn't and never would be again.
I honestly have no idea why this is happening. Usually when things end, they end. Right? I mean now that I am finally to a point where I am OK to be on my own and not need or have to have or even want a guy in my life, He comes back around. Not completely, but it went from no communication to laughing together again within a week. I did see him more recently only once. And it was great to see him. But at the same time there was an emptiness inside me where there use to be joy when he hugged me! I was so torn because in that time I went from wanting to stay in his arms forever, to not sure if I wanted this life any longer. What I mean by that is, I don't want to just "be there" whenever he wants. I want to be the ONLY woman in his life and right now I know that isn't the case. When he gently kissed me, I wanted to loose myself in him but all I could see was images of him with other women. I am not stupid any longer nor am I naive. Yes, I do want him back, but I need my space and time now. And I would only take him back after he's proven to me that it is only me and only ever will be me! That means NO OTHER WOMEN! As much as I miss him and would support whatever decisions he'd make, I can't go back to being toyed with. I've moved on with my life! I think the hardest thing I've had to do in a long time was to walk away from him the other day. Trust me, I wanted to stay with him, and just loose myself in his embrace, but I knew better. I knew it was now just a fantasy and I was one of many. So, I tore myself away from him and with all my strength I told him goodbye and walked out the door. I didn't look back because I didn't want to cry. I knew as I got into my car that may be it. I questioned myself if I had done the right thing. I thought if only we could work things out and go back to the days when we were so in love and it was pure and innocent! But I knew better. After several years and just growing up, I knew that things never go back to the way the were.
As my mother and I walked into Target this morning, we were talking about Ryan. She told me I had it good with David. I told her, I'd still take Ryan though because my heart belonged to him. However, I wouldn't take him back until he could prove to me he had changed completely. I told her I'd wouldn't even contemplate marrying him for at least a year because that would show me if he was truly faithful to me and wanted to be with me and the kids. That he really did love us. And if he walked away even once, there would be no more chances. I was done. But I told her that was never going to happen. That Ryan would never come back, and I am now OK with it! I am OK to be a single mom of 3. I am OK with doing this on my own because I know God is here with me! And in God's timing, whether it be Ryan coming back (I doubt it) or someone else if not David, I will then have my prince charming, my happily ever after ending! I have waited a very long time for that time to come. I thought it finally had with Ryan, but I thought wrong. But some day it will come and I will be ready!
So, now I sit and wonder, why? Why when things are so great and I am doing good does this happen? I don't want nor need false hope! I just want truth, honesty and realness! I am done being just another girl! I deserve so much more!
So, now I wonder, where will I be 6 months from now? Even 3 months from now? Will this still weigh on my mind? Or will God change things? Who knows? I am excited to find out though!
Friday, August 10, 2007
baby names!
The results are in! Most loved the name Mason David James, and Isabella Joy Leilani was tied with Isabella Faith Leilani! But since it's a little girl we only have the middle name to decide!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Just some thoughts. . . .Hormones
Hi! Well, I've been gone pretty much the whole day! I didn't fall back to sleep until 6 or so and was up at 2ish! Sigh. . . it makes for long days when you get up at 8! And oh how I was dragging this morning!
I had an ultrasound done because they want to see what all is wrong with me since I've been in so much pain. No, they didn't look at the baby! : ( It was pretty boring. At least until she said to go to the docs as soon as possible to hear the results. . . sigh. . . here we go again! I asked if what good or bad and they said they can't say. Darn it! However they did say I was the smallest person they'd seen that is 5 months pregnant and I hardly look it! So it that good or bad? I've barely gained 4 or 5 pounds total! But this 1 pound a week thing scares me! LOL! I know darn sure the baby will not come out weighing 20+ pounds! HMMM! I know, I know, it all is supposed to add up, but I hate putting on extra weight I can't get off later! : (
After that we went shopping at Ikea, which drained me!
Then I took Mike to get his hair cut and then we finally just stepped in the door! For a pregnant gal that is high risk, this isn't good!
So, on to more interesting things. . . Before yesterday, there was never really an option as to whether or not to get my BA. I just was going to! Then yesterday, everything seemed clouded and the tables suddenly turned!! When I found out Ryan quit his job (equaling no child support) and knowing that my parents don't want to help forever, I felt trapped. There was really no other options! A bachelor's is pretty worthless these days without a masters or graduate degree of some sort. That is unless you want to make 40 grand and under a year. Being a single mom with soon to be 3 children to raise on my own that is not a good income! However, neither is a hair dresser's income! I didn't want to sidestep and get sidetracked on yet another year that wasn't going towards my BA. It was such a relief when David told me it'd be stupid to quit now! Yes, getting my BA is only one step! And there are times like now I wish I were done! But, to have others say not to give up really helps! As for now, I am still enrolled to get my BA at PLU. We'll see after this semester because I will have a new baby!
Even if I don't end up with David, I'll still be glad I did move on.
And on that note, a good friend of mine, one of my best friends gave me some really good wisdom. I told him everything that was going on, and he pointed out the obvious. I knew as much, but didn't want to come to the fact that Ryan will never be there for us. He's not ready to grow up and take responsibility as a full time dad. Yes, while I will always love him, I've realized that I am letting him go because he wants his freedom. I can't nor will I ask him to come back. I am done with that situation. I just can't see my life going that direction any longer. And the reality hurts. It stings worse than a bee sting, and I am allergic! LOL! In all seriousness though, I know God has the kids and I destined for more than this. . .
As far as David goes, I will remain friends with him, but I need to stand on my own as my friend said. I need to be my own confident persona that I once was, not leaning on any men. I think it was because I was so afraid! The last thing I need to do or nt to do is rush into any kind of relationship right now! I need to focus now on my children, taking care of myself which means destressing, and school! I don't need a man to define who I am or what I am! I know that somewhere inside of me, I am that strong, confident woman that I once was. I think I have let men dictate too long what I was to be or who I was to be. I always listened to them, and hey I ended up with brown hair, something I would've NEVER done in the past for any man! My children need a role model to look up to, and if I am constantly seeking or needing a man's approval, they will feel they need to as well.
Being pregnant, is the biggest blessing in disguise! Yes, while it was not right that Ryan and I did have sex before marriage, God is using this as a huge blessing. I would never have been seen for the other problems I have been having had I not been pregnant because I had no health insurance. I know life will be extremely difficult with a third child, heck 2 is difficult. But it will also bring joy and be a blessing!
The worse part though of being pregnant is not the constant pain and throwing up, it's the stupid hormones that always mess with ya! Everything can make you cry! And you can feel so hopeless and helpless, especially when you really don't have anyone there for you. I hate it! It's worse than going through a divorce in a sense. For me it was easier to get a divorce than go through this, because I know the truth of it all!
Maybe it's time to just stop everything. To stop looking, to stop wondering, to stop questioning and just be. Just be me. Just be the girl I once was and lost.
Here's something weird. There once was a man who made me feel like I was worth so much more! He made me really believe in myself. I trusted him. That was for a season though because this great friend, walked away. But within that time, it made me grow and just learn to be on my own. It was when I was confident and self assured that I met Ryan. Geez! But, going through all of this, I have really had to learn to just lean on God and trust Him no matter what happened and no matter how much He took from me! All I ask is that He spare me my children and my life so that I can take care of them.
I guarantee 5 or 6 years from now, we can all look back and actually see what God was doing and laugh! Laugh about all the heartache, tears, and endless trials we've gone through! And who knows where we'll be! But I can promise you this, There's only one way up! And I am figuring out I definitely CAN'T do it on my own!
So, this is the continued thoughts and life of this gal! But who knows how I will feel tomorrow! I can't wait to not be so hormonal! LOL!
I had an ultrasound done because they want to see what all is wrong with me since I've been in so much pain. No, they didn't look at the baby! : ( It was pretty boring. At least until she said to go to the docs as soon as possible to hear the results. . . sigh. . . here we go again! I asked if what good or bad and they said they can't say. Darn it! However they did say I was the smallest person they'd seen that is 5 months pregnant and I hardly look it! So it that good or bad? I've barely gained 4 or 5 pounds total! But this 1 pound a week thing scares me! LOL! I know darn sure the baby will not come out weighing 20+ pounds! HMMM! I know, I know, it all is supposed to add up, but I hate putting on extra weight I can't get off later! : (
After that we went shopping at Ikea, which drained me!
Then I took Mike to get his hair cut and then we finally just stepped in the door! For a pregnant gal that is high risk, this isn't good!
So, on to more interesting things. . . Before yesterday, there was never really an option as to whether or not to get my BA. I just was going to! Then yesterday, everything seemed clouded and the tables suddenly turned!! When I found out Ryan quit his job (equaling no child support) and knowing that my parents don't want to help forever, I felt trapped. There was really no other options! A bachelor's is pretty worthless these days without a masters or graduate degree of some sort. That is unless you want to make 40 grand and under a year. Being a single mom with soon to be 3 children to raise on my own that is not a good income! However, neither is a hair dresser's income! I didn't want to sidestep and get sidetracked on yet another year that wasn't going towards my BA. It was such a relief when David told me it'd be stupid to quit now! Yes, getting my BA is only one step! And there are times like now I wish I were done! But, to have others say not to give up really helps! As for now, I am still enrolled to get my BA at PLU. We'll see after this semester because I will have a new baby!
Even if I don't end up with David, I'll still be glad I did move on.
And on that note, a good friend of mine, one of my best friends gave me some really good wisdom. I told him everything that was going on, and he pointed out the obvious. I knew as much, but didn't want to come to the fact that Ryan will never be there for us. He's not ready to grow up and take responsibility as a full time dad. Yes, while I will always love him, I've realized that I am letting him go because he wants his freedom. I can't nor will I ask him to come back. I am done with that situation. I just can't see my life going that direction any longer. And the reality hurts. It stings worse than a bee sting, and I am allergic! LOL! In all seriousness though, I know God has the kids and I destined for more than this. . .
As far as David goes, I will remain friends with him, but I need to stand on my own as my friend said. I need to be my own confident persona that I once was, not leaning on any men. I think it was because I was so afraid! The last thing I need to do or nt to do is rush into any kind of relationship right now! I need to focus now on my children, taking care of myself which means destressing, and school! I don't need a man to define who I am or what I am! I know that somewhere inside of me, I am that strong, confident woman that I once was. I think I have let men dictate too long what I was to be or who I was to be. I always listened to them, and hey I ended up with brown hair, something I would've NEVER done in the past for any man! My children need a role model to look up to, and if I am constantly seeking or needing a man's approval, they will feel they need to as well.
Being pregnant, is the biggest blessing in disguise! Yes, while it was not right that Ryan and I did have sex before marriage, God is using this as a huge blessing. I would never have been seen for the other problems I have been having had I not been pregnant because I had no health insurance. I know life will be extremely difficult with a third child, heck 2 is difficult. But it will also bring joy and be a blessing!
The worse part though of being pregnant is not the constant pain and throwing up, it's the stupid hormones that always mess with ya! Everything can make you cry! And you can feel so hopeless and helpless, especially when you really don't have anyone there for you. I hate it! It's worse than going through a divorce in a sense. For me it was easier to get a divorce than go through this, because I know the truth of it all!
Maybe it's time to just stop everything. To stop looking, to stop wondering, to stop questioning and just be. Just be me. Just be the girl I once was and lost.
Here's something weird. There once was a man who made me feel like I was worth so much more! He made me really believe in myself. I trusted him. That was for a season though because this great friend, walked away. But within that time, it made me grow and just learn to be on my own. It was when I was confident and self assured that I met Ryan. Geez! But, going through all of this, I have really had to learn to just lean on God and trust Him no matter what happened and no matter how much He took from me! All I ask is that He spare me my children and my life so that I can take care of them.
I guarantee 5 or 6 years from now, we can all look back and actually see what God was doing and laugh! Laugh about all the heartache, tears, and endless trials we've gone through! And who knows where we'll be! But I can promise you this, There's only one way up! And I am figuring out I definitely CAN'T do it on my own!
So, this is the continued thoughts and life of this gal! But who knows how I will feel tomorrow! I can't wait to not be so hormonal! LOL!
Monday, August 6, 2007
Never on TV
Some last thoughts before I head to bed.
I've been teased over the past year by most of my friends that they were going to nominate me to be the next "bachelorette" or at least one of the women for the "bachelor!" I threatened them not to! I really didn't want to go through all of that, all of the dating, jealousy, and competition on national TV. Then January came I found "my night and shining armor, my Prince charming!" Life was so perfect and imaginable! It was like I really was on TV and we were the Brady's or the perfect couple and we were never going to be apart!
Well, my dream turned into a nightmare, one I never saw coming. I was not on national TV, but the pain of rejection hurts just the same, if not more! It was like I had to compete with these other women of his past, and I was not the type of girl who wanted to compete and I hate being jealous! I want to know that I can trust the man I am with.
My dream prince, without a care one day said goodbye forever. I never saw it coming to be honest. I was shocked and the tears poured out! I asked why, to never really get an honest answer. He said I will always be beautiful, but he didn't want me in his life any longer. We hugged for what I saw was the last time and slowly turned around to leave. Here I was pregnant with his baby, and he no longer cared. I didn't care to be on those reality TV shows because I never wanted to fall in love only to have my heart broken the way it was. But my life quickly turned into a nightmare. What those shows don't show you is the after affects of these women who are rejected at the last minute and they are led to believe the whole time that it was her that he loved! They don't show how her heart truly breaks. While the audience all cheers the woman he did choose, they quickly forget the other woman who was just as in love with him, if not more. I had always dreamed of falling in love and the man I fell in love with, he'd be the one and only forever. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was going to school like I was supposed to and being with the kids. I wasn't really looking for love at the time. It just hit me.
I guess I realized a lot about life and myself from this. No, I still never want to be the next "bachelorette" because I don't want to do to men what's happened to me! Maybe there's a purpose in all of this, but to be quite honest, I have no idea. Looking back 10 years from now, maybe I'll know!
Until then, next time you watch one of those reality shows, remember there is a lot more behind the scenes than what you will ever see on TV. There's real life, human emotion and feelings, and broken hearts! I can emphasize with them! I've been there.
I've been teased over the past year by most of my friends that they were going to nominate me to be the next "bachelorette" or at least one of the women for the "bachelor!" I threatened them not to! I really didn't want to go through all of that, all of the dating, jealousy, and competition on national TV. Then January came I found "my night and shining armor, my Prince charming!" Life was so perfect and imaginable! It was like I really was on TV and we were the Brady's or the perfect couple and we were never going to be apart!
Well, my dream turned into a nightmare, one I never saw coming. I was not on national TV, but the pain of rejection hurts just the same, if not more! It was like I had to compete with these other women of his past, and I was not the type of girl who wanted to compete and I hate being jealous! I want to know that I can trust the man I am with.
My dream prince, without a care one day said goodbye forever. I never saw it coming to be honest. I was shocked and the tears poured out! I asked why, to never really get an honest answer. He said I will always be beautiful, but he didn't want me in his life any longer. We hugged for what I saw was the last time and slowly turned around to leave. Here I was pregnant with his baby, and he no longer cared. I didn't care to be on those reality TV shows because I never wanted to fall in love only to have my heart broken the way it was. But my life quickly turned into a nightmare. What those shows don't show you is the after affects of these women who are rejected at the last minute and they are led to believe the whole time that it was her that he loved! They don't show how her heart truly breaks. While the audience all cheers the woman he did choose, they quickly forget the other woman who was just as in love with him, if not more. I had always dreamed of falling in love and the man I fell in love with, he'd be the one and only forever. I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I was going to school like I was supposed to and being with the kids. I wasn't really looking for love at the time. It just hit me.
I guess I realized a lot about life and myself from this. No, I still never want to be the next "bachelorette" because I don't want to do to men what's happened to me! Maybe there's a purpose in all of this, but to be quite honest, I have no idea. Looking back 10 years from now, maybe I'll know!
Until then, next time you watch one of those reality shows, remember there is a lot more behind the scenes than what you will ever see on TV. There's real life, human emotion and feelings, and broken hearts! I can emphasize with them! I've been there.
Does Music Really Affect You?
Hi all! I've decided to do research and try to write an article or 2 a day about life, children in general. I may include everything from pregnancy to teens. And it will include all topics! So, those of you with children or who are planning on having them hope this helps! Like I said, I will do the research before I post something so that it is valid.
Today's topic is music and children! I know first hand that music does influence how a child interacts and their temperment after birth if certain kinds are played during pregnancy!
Let me explain. . . When I was pregnant with my son, Michael in 2001, I only played the classical station when I was in the car, and listened to it at home. I also played it on my tummy for him when he was active and kicking and it settled him right down.
Now, that Michael is 5 almost 6, the same thing still rings true. If he becomes obnoxious like most 5 year olds in the car, I instantly turn the radio to the Classical station, and he calms right down. He loves watching the baby Einstein movies and listening to the cd's. He'll watch it for hours if I let him and won't get bored. He has been intrigued by it since before birth! Even now he'll sometimes choose a Baby Einstein's movie over all his "cool" ones. Michael has a deep appreciation for this type of music already, and calls the classical station the Einstein station! He pretends he conducting a band or symphony!
While I was pregnant with Alexis, I was going through a different type of lifestyle and my friend's at the time were mostly men or those who loves harder music! I listened to everything from Nervana to Emenem to White Stripes and Incubus! I definitely was in a different sort of mood! I was always surrounded by this type of music and didn't mind it! Every once in a while I threw in Country, but never classical!
When Alexis was barely 2 months of age, we (my family and I) were sitting in Chili's in Hawaii. We noticed something different about my youngest gift! She kept looking up to the ceiling every few minutes as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world! We soon realized she only looked up when the music changed or the song changed to a different one! She could already hear the different beats within the songs and identified them. This continued to grow as she got older! Alexis is now 3 almost 4 and while she'll never sit even 1 minute still for a baby Einstein's movie and classical music doesn't sooth her in the least, she loves the more outgoing music and readily identifies with mommies newest tastes of Nickelback and the like! It is the more upbeat music that will calm her and she will learn all of the words if it catches her attention! One of her favorites is Dreaming by Selena! It's "her" song!
While Michael is more structured and needs schedules and structure or else he can get out of control or whiney, Alexis is more vibrant and outgoing and goes with the flow! It usually doesn't phase her to have to be in a new setting doing something new with people she's never met! She'll go right up to them and say hi, what's your name? I'm Alexis! While Michael tends to shy away from the crowd scene unless he has his sister there as a comfort! Lately, after doing the research I have come to realize a lot of what their temperment is determined in the womb! I was very exclusive with my son and what I listened to, while I was more of a free spirit with Alexis! While Michael has been interested in the complicated things of the world and how things are made or why they work and has wanted to be a doctor since he was barely 3, Alexis is more about just being here and enjoying the moment! She doesn't contemplate things like what she wants to be or how things work! Rather she sees the beauty in things and in quick to read someone's feelings! She genuinely cares about others and with cry if they are and sees punishment even to her brother who just hit her as unfair! She wants the world and the people she knows to be happy! 2 children so close in age and yet so very different.
So, the thought has crossed my mind now knowing all this! What should I do with this child that is inside of me now? Well, I've decided to even everything out when possible! I try to listen to everything nowadays from classical to rock! From soothing and structured to outgoing and easy going! I am not sure what kind of an impact this will have and I guess only time will tell! Though, I've listened to a lot of country more lately, but I haven't found too many studies about the affects that can have! I guess time tells all! So, this is my personal take on the subject, but I will post the research I have done to back the facts of music! Enjoy and choose your music wisely, because IT WILL AFFECT how a children behaves!
Today's topic is music and children! I know first hand that music does influence how a child interacts and their temperment after birth if certain kinds are played during pregnancy!
Let me explain. . . When I was pregnant with my son, Michael in 2001, I only played the classical station when I was in the car, and listened to it at home. I also played it on my tummy for him when he was active and kicking and it settled him right down.
Now, that Michael is 5 almost 6, the same thing still rings true. If he becomes obnoxious like most 5 year olds in the car, I instantly turn the radio to the Classical station, and he calms right down. He loves watching the baby Einstein movies and listening to the cd's. He'll watch it for hours if I let him and won't get bored. He has been intrigued by it since before birth! Even now he'll sometimes choose a Baby Einstein's movie over all his "cool" ones. Michael has a deep appreciation for this type of music already, and calls the classical station the Einstein station! He pretends he conducting a band or symphony!
While I was pregnant with Alexis, I was going through a different type of lifestyle and my friend's at the time were mostly men or those who loves harder music! I listened to everything from Nervana to Emenem to White Stripes and Incubus! I definitely was in a different sort of mood! I was always surrounded by this type of music and didn't mind it! Every once in a while I threw in Country, but never classical!
When Alexis was barely 2 months of age, we (my family and I) were sitting in Chili's in Hawaii. We noticed something different about my youngest gift! She kept looking up to the ceiling every few minutes as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world! We soon realized she only looked up when the music changed or the song changed to a different one! She could already hear the different beats within the songs and identified them. This continued to grow as she got older! Alexis is now 3 almost 4 and while she'll never sit even 1 minute still for a baby Einstein's movie and classical music doesn't sooth her in the least, she loves the more outgoing music and readily identifies with mommies newest tastes of Nickelback and the like! It is the more upbeat music that will calm her and she will learn all of the words if it catches her attention! One of her favorites is Dreaming by Selena! It's "her" song!
While Michael is more structured and needs schedules and structure or else he can get out of control or whiney, Alexis is more vibrant and outgoing and goes with the flow! It usually doesn't phase her to have to be in a new setting doing something new with people she's never met! She'll go right up to them and say hi, what's your name? I'm Alexis! While Michael tends to shy away from the crowd scene unless he has his sister there as a comfort! Lately, after doing the research I have come to realize a lot of what their temperment is determined in the womb! I was very exclusive with my son and what I listened to, while I was more of a free spirit with Alexis! While Michael has been interested in the complicated things of the world and how things are made or why they work and has wanted to be a doctor since he was barely 3, Alexis is more about just being here and enjoying the moment! She doesn't contemplate things like what she wants to be or how things work! Rather she sees the beauty in things and in quick to read someone's feelings! She genuinely cares about others and with cry if they are and sees punishment even to her brother who just hit her as unfair! She wants the world and the people she knows to be happy! 2 children so close in age and yet so very different.
So, the thought has crossed my mind now knowing all this! What should I do with this child that is inside of me now? Well, I've decided to even everything out when possible! I try to listen to everything nowadays from classical to rock! From soothing and structured to outgoing and easy going! I am not sure what kind of an impact this will have and I guess only time will tell! Though, I've listened to a lot of country more lately, but I haven't found too many studies about the affects that can have! I guess time tells all! So, this is my personal take on the subject, but I will post the research I have done to back the facts of music! Enjoy and choose your music wisely, because IT WILL AFFECT how a children behaves!
Surrounded by people, yet so very alone!
I realized this morning for the first time that I will be alone with this next one. I think that the realization hit me when I was reading Parents and Child Magazines this morning. They talk about having 2 or 3 babies and how easy it is. But they also mentioned how great it was having the dad around and how helpful he was! As I read these articles, tears came to my eyes. It talked about how wonderful it was to have a loving and helping husband there to share everything. It talked about how both the mother and father were able to enjoy the children's "firsts" together and how the family grew in love! This brought their family closer together! Not one article in the 5 different baby magazines (Parents, Parenting, American Baby, Child, Infant and Child), did I find where there was a story of a single mom raising 3 on her own. I have at least 2 years of magazines (I hardly had time to read because of school so I saved them for times like these where I have a little bit of free time) and I couldn't find anything regarding my situation. These articles talked about how being a family and sharing in the things together drew the mother and father closer to one another and they loved each other more!
Not in my case. I know that Ryan wants to be at the birth (if he shows) but beyond that I have no one to share these experiences with. No one to to go to when I am exhausted. I of course have 2 others that will be demanding my attention as well. With that and school full time (I do not have the luxury of staying home, as I have to be a full time student, or else I have to pay back all my student loans and there's no possible way I can do that right now!) how am I supposed to juggle all of this? I know first hand how it's like to be up every 2 or 3 hours nursing the baby at night, so with little to no sleep and no help whatsoever from Ryan, I am for the fist time scared. While I don't have to deal with the things like having 2 in diapers again at the same time, I have new things that are even more constant like fight for my attention from the 2 older ones when I am not breaking up the fights or trying to do homework.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a greater reason for God having let Ryan walk away, but I honestly wish I knew. The honest truth is, I wish he were going to be around to help with the midnight feedings and to be there when the baby starts to crawl and walk and eats it's first bites! I want him to be there for it's first words and share in with the tears and the laughter! Is it so wrong to wish that the father were a part of the family? Maybe? Maybe in this case it is. I know that David said he'd be there for the birth if I wanted him the be and be there for everything after, but deep in my heart I want Ryan there. He's the dad. I guess all of this is hitting me because I know that while he may be present at the birth, he doesn't plan on attending Lamaze with me. I will still go through all the pain and labor alone. Completely alone. I don't really want a show of people present, not til after, but I do really want Ryan there and I want to know that he'll be there for me in this, which I can't possibly know. I am counting on him being completely absent however. Since we broke up I haven't been able to count on him for anything. I am not even sure he'll show for the ultrasound like he said he would.
I guess with getting ready to know the sex this Friday, it becomes absolutely real. Not that it isn't already, but the truth of the aloneness has hit and that is as real as a cold, stiff, dead body. Some of you may wonder, why in the world is she comparing laboring and raising children alone to death, well that's how it feels as times. As if there is no one there. In a sense everyone is around you, but no one can possibly quite understand it all. No one really stops to ask what they can do. And all the while you are still present. You go through the pain. I love my children, but I so desire for God to give me a husband to share all of this with!
To be honest, I've contemplated David's proposals of life together. I know he is a great man that would never cheat. I know he'd take care of me and genuinely cares. But I so desperately want a man after God's own heart as well. So I wonder, is it even possible to have both? Is it possible to have a father to the kids, a husband to me and one that will take care of us and love us unconditionally and a man after God's own heart? Or do I have to really give one or 2 for the other? I know now that Ryan is definitely not perfect, in fact I've learned quite a bit about him this past week that shocks me. And to be honest, Friday morning as I lied in bed, I gently heard God's voice asking me if I wanted my life like this? If I really did want Ryan or if I just liked the idea of having him there. I contemplated it and said that if Ryan were to love me and the children again completely and only us then yes. But within that I felt so alone. I knew that God was saying that I was in for a long road of being alone. I knew at that moment that God was not going to bring him back. So, I was left with confusion. I was left feeling alone and abandoned.
So many people have written to me saying to hang in there and that God has someone for me right around the corner! They say not to loose heart because there is something so much better than what Ryan can give me and I will find it again soon! I've heard several very encouraging stories and I have even heard some of heartache and trial that turn to blessings and love! So, I have to wonder, why do I feel so alone in all of this? Why do I feel as if there is NO light at the end of my tunnel like everyone else's? Why do I feel like I am just living life, day to day with loneliness? I love my children, all 3 of them deeply! I want to be the best mom there is! But I also know that in order for me to be a wonderful mom I need a husband that will balance me and be the father so that I can be a great mom! I have no doubtedly been the mother and the father to both Michael and Alexis pretty much their whole lives. I'm trying the best I can, but when you have to always be the "meany mommy" like they call me when they are in trouble, I can't be the nice mommy. I have to constantly be the dad in their lives and the one the disciplines and that is very wearing on me. I don't wish to be the dad. They need a dad and a male role model. I can only do what is in me to do, and still try to have the patience to love them when I am at my wits end and feel frustrated and ready to throw up my arms. I am constantly trying to be a better mom, but there are times where I have lost my temper! There are times when I am ready to give up! My son sometimes becomes very aggressive and that is because he doesn't have a real father role model to teach him otherwise. My daughter has become very clingy at times and I don't know what I am going to do when the baby comes. They both want my attention all the time at the same time! Who do I give it to? Who wins time with mommy when it's only me? I am so tired these days too! It was so wonderful when Ryan was around because he'd step in and be a father to them. They listened to him and when mommy needed help, he'd help! We were a great team with the kids! A team that children need. When I was doing something with one he'd take the other. Or when I took the girls potty, he'd take Mikey. We took turns making getting them ready and we always were a team when it came to making their meals and putting them to bed. Life was so much calmer and happier when the 2 of us were together! So, yes of course I am frustrated with God at times for taking him from me. That is the kind of husband and wife team that God calls us to be and that the children desperately need! That is the kind of husband I desire to want in my life. Maybe it's all an illusion? Who knows now. Maybe I am supposed to live my life as a single mom raising these children on my own. Maybe it'll be the struggles that I go through to survive, cope and still be the best mom I can be that will someday teach others how to make it.
It's funny really, because last night David asked me if I was excited about school and wanted to go back. He asked how long I had left. I said with all of this and the unknown that the baby brings, I have no idea. I told him it's hard studying for the MCAT when I don't have all the courses I need to study for it yet! He said not to give up, to keep focused because regardless the children will need this. If I hold onto my dream of med school then I still will have something regardless of being alone. And yet I know I won't be alone if I choose to open my heart to David. I am so afraid of truly loving him knowing he doesn't believe in Christ! But I want to know that if we were together that he'd still bring the kids up in a Christian home! I want him to be a part of the things we do and that's so important to me!
I've been really struggling because I am really starting to care for David. I've been closed to him because I am afraid I will start to fall for him, and I don't want to fall for someone again that isn't the one God has for me! My desperate heart cries for God to give me a Christian man! Can David become that? I honestly don't know! There is another man that I have gone out with a few times, a good friend. He is a Christian, but I am cautious to let myself open completely to anyone.
I know that this is long, but these are just the thoughts on my mind and the things I am going through. So yes, I feel so very alone right now! I don't want to have this baby alone and I don't want to raise it alone. But right now, that's the only thing in the cards for me!
Thus the continual story of this gal's life!
Not in my case. I know that Ryan wants to be at the birth (if he shows) but beyond that I have no one to share these experiences with. No one to to go to when I am exhausted. I of course have 2 others that will be demanding my attention as well. With that and school full time (I do not have the luxury of staying home, as I have to be a full time student, or else I have to pay back all my student loans and there's no possible way I can do that right now!) how am I supposed to juggle all of this? I know first hand how it's like to be up every 2 or 3 hours nursing the baby at night, so with little to no sleep and no help whatsoever from Ryan, I am for the fist time scared. While I don't have to deal with the things like having 2 in diapers again at the same time, I have new things that are even more constant like fight for my attention from the 2 older ones when I am not breaking up the fights or trying to do homework.
I know that everything happens for a reason and I know that there must be a greater reason for God having let Ryan walk away, but I honestly wish I knew. The honest truth is, I wish he were going to be around to help with the midnight feedings and to be there when the baby starts to crawl and walk and eats it's first bites! I want him to be there for it's first words and share in with the tears and the laughter! Is it so wrong to wish that the father were a part of the family? Maybe? Maybe in this case it is. I know that David said he'd be there for the birth if I wanted him the be and be there for everything after, but deep in my heart I want Ryan there. He's the dad. I guess all of this is hitting me because I know that while he may be present at the birth, he doesn't plan on attending Lamaze with me. I will still go through all the pain and labor alone. Completely alone. I don't really want a show of people present, not til after, but I do really want Ryan there and I want to know that he'll be there for me in this, which I can't possibly know. I am counting on him being completely absent however. Since we broke up I haven't been able to count on him for anything. I am not even sure he'll show for the ultrasound like he said he would.
I guess with getting ready to know the sex this Friday, it becomes absolutely real. Not that it isn't already, but the truth of the aloneness has hit and that is as real as a cold, stiff, dead body. Some of you may wonder, why in the world is she comparing laboring and raising children alone to death, well that's how it feels as times. As if there is no one there. In a sense everyone is around you, but no one can possibly quite understand it all. No one really stops to ask what they can do. And all the while you are still present. You go through the pain. I love my children, but I so desire for God to give me a husband to share all of this with!
To be honest, I've contemplated David's proposals of life together. I know he is a great man that would never cheat. I know he'd take care of me and genuinely cares. But I so desperately want a man after God's own heart as well. So I wonder, is it even possible to have both? Is it possible to have a father to the kids, a husband to me and one that will take care of us and love us unconditionally and a man after God's own heart? Or do I have to really give one or 2 for the other? I know now that Ryan is definitely not perfect, in fact I've learned quite a bit about him this past week that shocks me. And to be honest, Friday morning as I lied in bed, I gently heard God's voice asking me if I wanted my life like this? If I really did want Ryan or if I just liked the idea of having him there. I contemplated it and said that if Ryan were to love me and the children again completely and only us then yes. But within that I felt so alone. I knew that God was saying that I was in for a long road of being alone. I knew at that moment that God was not going to bring him back. So, I was left with confusion. I was left feeling alone and abandoned.
So many people have written to me saying to hang in there and that God has someone for me right around the corner! They say not to loose heart because there is something so much better than what Ryan can give me and I will find it again soon! I've heard several very encouraging stories and I have even heard some of heartache and trial that turn to blessings and love! So, I have to wonder, why do I feel so alone in all of this? Why do I feel as if there is NO light at the end of my tunnel like everyone else's? Why do I feel like I am just living life, day to day with loneliness? I love my children, all 3 of them deeply! I want to be the best mom there is! But I also know that in order for me to be a wonderful mom I need a husband that will balance me and be the father so that I can be a great mom! I have no doubtedly been the mother and the father to both Michael and Alexis pretty much their whole lives. I'm trying the best I can, but when you have to always be the "meany mommy" like they call me when they are in trouble, I can't be the nice mommy. I have to constantly be the dad in their lives and the one the disciplines and that is very wearing on me. I don't wish to be the dad. They need a dad and a male role model. I can only do what is in me to do, and still try to have the patience to love them when I am at my wits end and feel frustrated and ready to throw up my arms. I am constantly trying to be a better mom, but there are times where I have lost my temper! There are times when I am ready to give up! My son sometimes becomes very aggressive and that is because he doesn't have a real father role model to teach him otherwise. My daughter has become very clingy at times and I don't know what I am going to do when the baby comes. They both want my attention all the time at the same time! Who do I give it to? Who wins time with mommy when it's only me? I am so tired these days too! It was so wonderful when Ryan was around because he'd step in and be a father to them. They listened to him and when mommy needed help, he'd help! We were a great team with the kids! A team that children need. When I was doing something with one he'd take the other. Or when I took the girls potty, he'd take Mikey. We took turns making getting them ready and we always were a team when it came to making their meals and putting them to bed. Life was so much calmer and happier when the 2 of us were together! So, yes of course I am frustrated with God at times for taking him from me. That is the kind of husband and wife team that God calls us to be and that the children desperately need! That is the kind of husband I desire to want in my life. Maybe it's all an illusion? Who knows now. Maybe I am supposed to live my life as a single mom raising these children on my own. Maybe it'll be the struggles that I go through to survive, cope and still be the best mom I can be that will someday teach others how to make it.
It's funny really, because last night David asked me if I was excited about school and wanted to go back. He asked how long I had left. I said with all of this and the unknown that the baby brings, I have no idea. I told him it's hard studying for the MCAT when I don't have all the courses I need to study for it yet! He said not to give up, to keep focused because regardless the children will need this. If I hold onto my dream of med school then I still will have something regardless of being alone. And yet I know I won't be alone if I choose to open my heart to David. I am so afraid of truly loving him knowing he doesn't believe in Christ! But I want to know that if we were together that he'd still bring the kids up in a Christian home! I want him to be a part of the things we do and that's so important to me!
I've been really struggling because I am really starting to care for David. I've been closed to him because I am afraid I will start to fall for him, and I don't want to fall for someone again that isn't the one God has for me! My desperate heart cries for God to give me a Christian man! Can David become that? I honestly don't know! There is another man that I have gone out with a few times, a good friend. He is a Christian, but I am cautious to let myself open completely to anyone.
I know that this is long, but these are just the thoughts on my mind and the things I am going through. So yes, I feel so very alone right now! I don't want to have this baby alone and I don't want to raise it alone. But right now, that's the only thing in the cards for me!
Thus the continual story of this gal's life!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Have I gone through enough yet, God?
Hi all! I wasn't going to share, because let's face it, there's been a ton of things that have gone wrong with this pregnancy!
It's been the toughest pregnancy I have ever had! When I first got pregnant, I was also diagnosed with Crohne's Disease. I had to sign a form saying if it comes down to it, they save either my life or the baby's. I have been bleeding and vomiting since I fist conceived. They had no real reason for all the blood loss. I was even told I couldn't fly to Vegas if it continued. It stopped for the week that we went and started a week after we returned.
I've been in and out of the hospital with different problems. There's been the scares such as when the doctor told me the baby had open spinal bifida and then finding out I lost the twin. At one time I lost so much blood, I was tagged with a special band and put on the transfusion list in case they had to do surgery since my blood count was so low!
Not that it matters but with having things happen with Ryan the way that they did had also put my body in stress and the baby underwent a lot of stress aswell so I had to get a stress test done!
Well, This Thursday, I was back yet again at the hospital. Yes, only one day later!
I woke up bleeding. Let's just say that I had lost so much blood that they thought I'd miscarried altogether! I was really scared and in a lot of pain! Come to find out there is a tear in the lining of the uterus. If I kept bleeding at the rate I was, I would have lost the baby not to mention a huge possibility of my own life. The doctors couldn't believe how much I was losing as quickly as I was! The looks on their faces alone scared me! They had to stop it immediately. I was given a shot in an unmentionable place and it worked! Friday night I finally stopped bleeding for the most part. But it left behind severe pain and burning! I've never felt this kind of pain in my life! I regretted even going the bathroom because this was worse than when I tore when I had Mike.
I am now under strict orders as to NO exercise, no swimming or soaking in water (baths are now out and that is what was easing my back pain and contractions!), etc. It's a waiting game now to see if the lining will heal itself as it did when I tore with Mike. Although it wasn't this severe with him. I am praying God works yet another miracle and I heal quickly!
When I finally think I am good to go and things are great, God gives me another challenge, and it always seems much more of one than the one before!
I am also starting to dilate and that isn't good! Well, I guess God knows what He's doing! Maybe He's preparing me for the pain I am going to experience with giving birth in just a few short months, since I want to try and do it naturally!
So, if you feel like praying, you can pray everything heals and there are NO more problems! Because on top of this school starts in a few weeks, and I am trying to deal with the children (I'll explain later), not to mention just trying to get through the days trusting that God knows what He's doing with my "love life!" Yes, truth is, I am scared to death to have this one without a husband! This is NOT how I wanted it or planned it! Yes, someday I wanted 4 children, but I wanted it to be with a loving husband!
However, I've read in Child magazine an article that was just done based on research that says families with 3-5 children are more adjusted, well rounded and have a better chance of survival! This included single parent families. In fact the are showing that if you are single parent family with 3 or more, the children will adapt better because they have each other! I guess time will tell!
Well, that's what's happening with me! Take Care all!
Worried,
Bri
It's been the toughest pregnancy I have ever had! When I first got pregnant, I was also diagnosed with Crohne's Disease. I had to sign a form saying if it comes down to it, they save either my life or the baby's. I have been bleeding and vomiting since I fist conceived. They had no real reason for all the blood loss. I was even told I couldn't fly to Vegas if it continued. It stopped for the week that we went and started a week after we returned.
I've been in and out of the hospital with different problems. There's been the scares such as when the doctor told me the baby had open spinal bifida and then finding out I lost the twin. At one time I lost so much blood, I was tagged with a special band and put on the transfusion list in case they had to do surgery since my blood count was so low!
Not that it matters but with having things happen with Ryan the way that they did had also put my body in stress and the baby underwent a lot of stress aswell so I had to get a stress test done!
Well, This Thursday, I was back yet again at the hospital. Yes, only one day later!
I woke up bleeding. Let's just say that I had lost so much blood that they thought I'd miscarried altogether! I was really scared and in a lot of pain! Come to find out there is a tear in the lining of the uterus. If I kept bleeding at the rate I was, I would have lost the baby not to mention a huge possibility of my own life. The doctors couldn't believe how much I was losing as quickly as I was! The looks on their faces alone scared me! They had to stop it immediately. I was given a shot in an unmentionable place and it worked! Friday night I finally stopped bleeding for the most part. But it left behind severe pain and burning! I've never felt this kind of pain in my life! I regretted even going the bathroom because this was worse than when I tore when I had Mike.
I am now under strict orders as to NO exercise, no swimming or soaking in water (baths are now out and that is what was easing my back pain and contractions!), etc. It's a waiting game now to see if the lining will heal itself as it did when I tore with Mike. Although it wasn't this severe with him. I am praying God works yet another miracle and I heal quickly!
When I finally think I am good to go and things are great, God gives me another challenge, and it always seems much more of one than the one before!
I am also starting to dilate and that isn't good! Well, I guess God knows what He's doing! Maybe He's preparing me for the pain I am going to experience with giving birth in just a few short months, since I want to try and do it naturally!
So, if you feel like praying, you can pray everything heals and there are NO more problems! Because on top of this school starts in a few weeks, and I am trying to deal with the children (I'll explain later), not to mention just trying to get through the days trusting that God knows what He's doing with my "love life!" Yes, truth is, I am scared to death to have this one without a husband! This is NOT how I wanted it or planned it! Yes, someday I wanted 4 children, but I wanted it to be with a loving husband!
However, I've read in Child magazine an article that was just done based on research that says families with 3-5 children are more adjusted, well rounded and have a better chance of survival! This included single parent families. In fact the are showing that if you are single parent family with 3 or more, the children will adapt better because they have each other! I guess time will tell!
Well, that's what's happening with me! Take Care all!
Worried,
Bri
Loving Life
I just have to say, I had the best day I've had in over 2 months this past Thursday night and Friday morning and afternoon! Ry and I started talking again and it was a great convo! I won't say anything else, but was all smiles and the happiest I'd been in a while!
Loving Life! Loving this baby! Loving my kids! And Loving God!
Loving Life! Loving this baby! Loving my kids! And Loving God!
I'm So Excited!
Hi! We just got back from camping late this afternoon! It was a blast! I'll write about it later, since I am so exhausted!
But I wanted to say, wow! I can't believe I am already 5 months pregnant! Where did the time go? Yes, I am still due on Christmas morning!
Ryan and I will find out Friday what the sex of our baby is! We talked about it last Friday and are both excited! We got a chance to discuss a lot of things actually and it was a good conversation. The best one we've had in a few months. It's like we were old friends again! He said he won't be disappointed if it's a girl which is a HUGE relief! But I still think we both want a boy. But whatever it is we both will love!
We aren't where we use to be, but at least we are talking and whatnot again which is great because our baby will need that! I don't want any tension between he and I like there is with most people who have a child together and aren't together any longer. As of now I know that things won't change as far as us ever getting back together again. But I do still care and will be there for him when he needs me to be.
He plans on being there when our child is born which I am so grateful for. I am going to ask if he wants to cut the umbilical cord after the appointment Friday. I still hope that he plays a huge part in the baby's life regardless of what happens between us. I had a few men just recently ask if we ended up together if they could adopt it as their child. Of course I will not allow this. I will never take that right away from Ryan, regardless. He truly is a great daddy! When his daughter was born, he was the one up all night with her feeding her and changing her and rocking her. He has always loved his daughter, and I can only hope he is the same with our child! But time will tell. He still has a lot of decisions and choices to make though!
Until then, I am SO excited! I can't wait until the ultrasound this Friday! Just thought I'd share!
Love you all!
Bri
But I wanted to say, wow! I can't believe I am already 5 months pregnant! Where did the time go? Yes, I am still due on Christmas morning!
Ryan and I will find out Friday what the sex of our baby is! We talked about it last Friday and are both excited! We got a chance to discuss a lot of things actually and it was a good conversation. The best one we've had in a few months. It's like we were old friends again! He said he won't be disappointed if it's a girl which is a HUGE relief! But I still think we both want a boy. But whatever it is we both will love!
We aren't where we use to be, but at least we are talking and whatnot again which is great because our baby will need that! I don't want any tension between he and I like there is with most people who have a child together and aren't together any longer. As of now I know that things won't change as far as us ever getting back together again. But I do still care and will be there for him when he needs me to be.
He plans on being there when our child is born which I am so grateful for. I am going to ask if he wants to cut the umbilical cord after the appointment Friday. I still hope that he plays a huge part in the baby's life regardless of what happens between us. I had a few men just recently ask if we ended up together if they could adopt it as their child. Of course I will not allow this. I will never take that right away from Ryan, regardless. He truly is a great daddy! When his daughter was born, he was the one up all night with her feeding her and changing her and rocking her. He has always loved his daughter, and I can only hope he is the same with our child! But time will tell. He still has a lot of decisions and choices to make though!
Until then, I am SO excited! I can't wait until the ultrasound this Friday! Just thought I'd share!
Love you all!
Bri
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