So, it's often been said not to fight for the one you love because if they love you, it'll work out. I listened to that advice back in June. I knew of the woman who came between Ry and I. I knew her number and everything else. I was told to let him go. To let him go to her. I was a fool and listened. Now I am left with a broken heart and she has the love of my life. She has my happily ever after ending and my man. All I have left is his baby, one whom I am not even sure he'll want if I make it and keep her.
If someone ever tells you that it's not worth it to fight for someone, do not listen to them. If you truly love someone, it's definitely worth fighting for. My dreams came crashing to an end when I just gave up and walked away, trusting God would bring him back. So many people told me he'd come back to me and his baby. So many people were dead wrong. Then these people tell me I'm better off without him. How do they know? They have no idea what it's like to loose someone they love so deeply, that they would in fact die for them. They have no idea what the loneliness is like when you are left with trying to just get through having his baby completely alone, let alone raising it, knowing that that other woman gets to walk away with him. So many people say to just trust God. Then I ask where is God? Why did He let this woman tear our family apart. Why'd He let the love of my life just leave?
If I could do it all over again, I would've fought for him. I wouldn't have just let her have him. Yet, I am told by some to contact her now. What's the point now? I want him to choose me. Only me. And by contacting her now after all these months it no longer matters and he'd be furious. I gave him my word that I wouldn't.
So as I try to figure this all out and try to raise a baby from a man who intentionally walked away, I am left with nothing but heartache.
Yes, Izzy still isn't moving, but what am I supposed to do? I have others to take care of.
For now, I feel completely helpless.
Bri
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Still No Movement! Scared!
Hi As of now, Izzy still isn't moving! So, what to do? Should I worry? Should I go in? What do I do? It's not like I have a lot of options or someone to watch the kids, cuz my floks are outta town. I suppose I'll try to wait as long as possible! Hopefully Izzy will be OK, by Tuesday.
Please God, don't let her have any problems! I am so afraid. I am doing this completely alone. Her father and I will never be together again. That's what makes it so much harder. Knowing not only will I be doing this whole birth alone, but raising her alone, if I survive it all!
Scared,
Bri
Please God, don't let her have any problems! I am so afraid. I am doing this completely alone. Her father and I will never be together again. That's what makes it so much harder. Knowing not only will I be doing this whole birth alone, but raising her alone, if I survive it all!
Scared,
Bri
Baby Update! Please pray!
Hi all! This is just a quick baby update!
It's been a very long weekend and a long night! I am only 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but regardless of the hormones they have given to me and the drugs to stop labor, the contractions have continued to progress. There is now that pressure one feels right before you give birth as well and severe back and abdominal pains. The doctor has said that once my water breaks, I have no choice left but to give birth.
However, I am very afraid of the complications of this. Regardless that they said that I will most likely need a blood transfusion because I have lost too much blood this pregnancy and it has not replenished itself like it should have. I have had excessive stress which has only added to the problem of preterm labor and I actually have been in the hospital for all of this with them trying to stop labor. But when nature decided to happen, there's nothing humans can do to prevent it.
My biggest concern is that Isabella Joy~Leilani will have multiple problems if born before 32 weeks. I did have to move from having a midwife to a very high risk doctor because of the complications. In fact last Wednesday they did a contraction stress test. Every time my contractions were 80 or above in the peak, her heart rate dropped to the double digits and she still is not not moving like she should be. I was told that now I may have to deliver at Swedish, Harbor View, or be airvaced to a hospital in Portland. I'd rather just have her here in Tacoma, however.
Friday, the hospital gave me a very concentrated glucose drink such as like the one the you get to check for gestational diabetes, to see if they could get her to move. There was not much luck. However they are hesitant to progress her lungs until absolutely medically needed. The problems I was told she could have however are respiratory distress syndrome, anemia, apnea, blindness, low blood pressure, brain hemorrhage, and intestinal and bowel infections. Some more severe problems include, epilepsy, still born births, and lifetime mental or behavior problems. All of these problems really scare me. I wonder why God would let my baby girl be healed of having Open Spinal Bifida only to be put in danger of all these preterm risks? I really do not want to have Isabella until she is due. But if she decides to come early, if there really nothing left they can do to stop her arrival this quickly (I am already effaced to 70%)then I am praying that God gives me a very healthy baby with none of these problems. I am so afraid to be doing this alone as they told me she most likely won't be over 3lbs, 4 if they are lucky.
I just recently met a young woman who has an 18 months old. However her daughter was born at 32 weeks and she still has severe epilepsy. The doctors have put me on extreme bedrest and I am not to get up for anything except a quick shower and to use the bathroom. But as most people know, if you have other children as I do that is almost impossible. So, I guess it's a matter of trusting God to let Izzy come when He knows she is ready and can survive. He knows how desperate I am for her not to have any problems. Right now, the last thing on my mind is me surviving or knowing that I most likely will have to have a blood transfusion and may hemorrhage on the table. To me just making sure Isabella is healthy is what is important.
This is just a quick update on little Isabella! Please if you do have a moment, pray that God intervenes and that no matter when she is born she is born healthy with no problems and that she may live a normal happy, healthy life! Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers!
God Bless you all,
Brianne Mueller
It's been a very long weekend and a long night! I am only 27 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but regardless of the hormones they have given to me and the drugs to stop labor, the contractions have continued to progress. There is now that pressure one feels right before you give birth as well and severe back and abdominal pains. The doctor has said that once my water breaks, I have no choice left but to give birth.
However, I am very afraid of the complications of this. Regardless that they said that I will most likely need a blood transfusion because I have lost too much blood this pregnancy and it has not replenished itself like it should have. I have had excessive stress which has only added to the problem of preterm labor and I actually have been in the hospital for all of this with them trying to stop labor. But when nature decided to happen, there's nothing humans can do to prevent it.
My biggest concern is that Isabella Joy~Leilani will have multiple problems if born before 32 weeks. I did have to move from having a midwife to a very high risk doctor because of the complications. In fact last Wednesday they did a contraction stress test. Every time my contractions were 80 or above in the peak, her heart rate dropped to the double digits and she still is not not moving like she should be. I was told that now I may have to deliver at Swedish, Harbor View, or be airvaced to a hospital in Portland. I'd rather just have her here in Tacoma, however.
Friday, the hospital gave me a very concentrated glucose drink such as like the one the you get to check for gestational diabetes, to see if they could get her to move. There was not much luck. However they are hesitant to progress her lungs until absolutely medically needed. The problems I was told she could have however are respiratory distress syndrome, anemia, apnea, blindness, low blood pressure, brain hemorrhage, and intestinal and bowel infections. Some more severe problems include, epilepsy, still born births, and lifetime mental or behavior problems. All of these problems really scare me. I wonder why God would let my baby girl be healed of having Open Spinal Bifida only to be put in danger of all these preterm risks? I really do not want to have Isabella until she is due. But if she decides to come early, if there really nothing left they can do to stop her arrival this quickly (I am already effaced to 70%)then I am praying that God gives me a very healthy baby with none of these problems. I am so afraid to be doing this alone as they told me she most likely won't be over 3lbs, 4 if they are lucky.
I just recently met a young woman who has an 18 months old. However her daughter was born at 32 weeks and she still has severe epilepsy. The doctors have put me on extreme bedrest and I am not to get up for anything except a quick shower and to use the bathroom. But as most people know, if you have other children as I do that is almost impossible. So, I guess it's a matter of trusting God to let Izzy come when He knows she is ready and can survive. He knows how desperate I am for her not to have any problems. Right now, the last thing on my mind is me surviving or knowing that I most likely will have to have a blood transfusion and may hemorrhage on the table. To me just making sure Isabella is healthy is what is important.
This is just a quick update on little Isabella! Please if you do have a moment, pray that God intervenes and that no matter when she is born she is born healthy with no problems and that she may live a normal happy, healthy life! Thank you all for keeping us in your prayers!
God Bless you all,
Brianne Mueller
Thursday, September 27, 2007
the talk
Hi all! Well thing are OK. Last night I saw Ry and it was good. This morning he and I went to breakfast and we talked about Izzy and life. I couldn't give him all the answers he wanted. We realized that it's just not going to work between us as much as it would be wonderful and we both acknowledged that we loved each other at one point. I told him that though it took both of us to create Isabella I was the one giving up my dreams for her. We had a good long talk. I guess eventually things will be as they should. This is not how I wanted to bring a child into the world, but I will love her just the same.
Well I am tired, still contracting and am going to lay down!
exhausted,
Bri
Well I am tired, still contracting and am going to lay down!
exhausted,
Bri
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
27 weeks! An painful yet wonderful update!
Hi! So today I started going in weekly for stress contraction tests and the weekly shots on the butt to stop labor. Well they realized I truly was not lying when I said I was in pain! My contractions were 3 min apart with it peaking between 100 and 85! But while it went that high Izzy's heart rate dropped dramatically! I mean in the double digits! But after each she came back and was a fighter! So, I am given a TON more hormones and some pain meds to stop the pain and now am supposed to not leave my bed for anything. That means perhaps a short shower, and bathroom and that is it! I don't see that happening still. I am also on Ambian so that I can sleep at night through the contractions! She said I have to keep her in as long as possible and 30 weeks is the least amount of time to deliver with little problems. That they want to shoot for at least 32 weeks! I really don't want Ryan to worry no matter what! Anyhow, I am probably really emotional, so I am hoping Ry can just be patient with me! LOL! I at least want him at his daughter's birth! Even though that's probably the last time I will see him again. Let's just say I wish it weren't that way but I guess I have no choice.
Anyhow I am tired and gotta go.
Exhausted,
Bri
Anyhow I am tired and gotta go.
Exhausted,
Bri
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
A somewhat sigh of relief
Hi All! OK so I have to first say I plead complete drowsiness right now. For the first time in a few weeks I took a 2 pain killers. The back pain coupled with contractions are just making so I can't sleep.
But I am glad that Ryan has finally came around to wanting to be there for Izzy's birth! I am so glad he'll be there cuz I need him there. I am so scared. I am scared she won't make it, to be honest. And if she does, she'll be in in the NICU for a very long time! I am also afraid that because my body is so weak that I too won't pull through. I gave Ryan the power of my living will and the power to make all life threatening medical emergencies regarding Izzy and I. I did ask that he not accept a blood transfusion for me if they don't think it'll take. I trust he'll know what to do and do the right thing if things present themselves. While we are no longer together or will have a future together, I still trust him with my life. I trust him and trust that he'll do what's best. Had it been any other man, I doubt I would trust them with these decisions. There is only one other that I'd ever trust that way. But we haven't talked in a few years.
So anyhow, that is how things are. I will find out tomorrow if I have to have an emergency delivery or if Izzy is OK! Either way, Ry said no matter where he is or how far away he is, he will get there and be there as soon as he can for her birth! Thank God, that he at least is coming around for her! Yes, I wish he'd come back and we'd be a real family again, but that will take a miracle that I don't think the heavens will have.
So anyhow, the pain meds kicked in and I can barely think! So good night for now! Or as Ry use to say to me and the kids It's sleepy time! Geez I miss him! Will it ever get easier?
But I am glad that Ryan has finally came around to wanting to be there for Izzy's birth! I am so glad he'll be there cuz I need him there. I am so scared. I am scared she won't make it, to be honest. And if she does, she'll be in in the NICU for a very long time! I am also afraid that because my body is so weak that I too won't pull through. I gave Ryan the power of my living will and the power to make all life threatening medical emergencies regarding Izzy and I. I did ask that he not accept a blood transfusion for me if they don't think it'll take. I trust he'll know what to do and do the right thing if things present themselves. While we are no longer together or will have a future together, I still trust him with my life. I trust him and trust that he'll do what's best. Had it been any other man, I doubt I would trust them with these decisions. There is only one other that I'd ever trust that way. But we haven't talked in a few years.
So anyhow, that is how things are. I will find out tomorrow if I have to have an emergency delivery or if Izzy is OK! Either way, Ry said no matter where he is or how far away he is, he will get there and be there as soon as he can for her birth! Thank God, that he at least is coming around for her! Yes, I wish he'd come back and we'd be a real family again, but that will take a miracle that I don't think the heavens will have.
So anyhow, the pain meds kicked in and I can barely think! So good night for now! Or as Ry use to say to me and the kids It's sleepy time! Geez I miss him! Will it ever get easier?
questions
What do you do when the love of your life walks away from you forever? You are left heart-broken. . .
Many said I will eventually find love again. . . But is it something I really want again? Not if it's going to be like this.
So God, where are you now?
Many said I will eventually find love again. . . But is it something I really want again? Not if it's going to be like this.
So God, where are you now?
Will he be there? Left with questions
Hi! Me again. Well Things seem to be a little better. Well while Ry no longer wants me he promised to at least be at Izzy's birth! That makes me so thankful as I feel so alone in all of this. Last night he said let him know what's happening no matter what. I will. But I will not call him until I am in active labor. I am just still so afraid he still won't show and I will still be so very alone. I guess only God will know the truth. Please pray he's there. Izzy and I both need him there. I know he and I will never be now because he chose to walk away, walk away from me loving him. who knows why? Perhaps he's afraid? Perhaps his family? If he had followed his heart without listening to everyone else he and I would still be very happy together. But it seems impossible these days! What is one to do when the love of her life walks away? Will he really want his daughter if I make it through delivery? Will he want her if I do decide to keep her? What will happen? I guess there are so many uncertainties. I wish God would give me the love of my life back. But I'm not sure I believe in miracles for my life any longer.
Well no matter what, Ry will be a great dad if he does stick around for her no matter what!
questioning,
Bri
Well no matter what, Ry will be a great dad if he does stick around for her no matter what!
questioning,
Bri
Monday, September 24, 2007
The Truth of Fear
Oh, I found today that I have lost more weight over the weekend! I actually have not gain any weight but have lost it now. Izzy has gained some but they are extremely worried. It's because of all the stress, heartache, etc. that I have been so sick. This is NOT something that I really want to share with others. But my blood count has dropped again. I was given a form for an imediate blood transfusion because they think I will need it. I have NOT chosen to accept it however. I still am not certain I want to. You may think this is stupid, but I also was told because I am sick, with everything and Crohne's Disease that my body most likely will reject them. I may hemorage on the table when Izzy is born. So yes, I am actually terrified. I feel so alone in all of this. I also have to sign a form saying if anything happens whom to save, me or the baby. Well as I see it, Izzy has a better chance than I do. So I have already given Ryan my word that I will save hers. When everything was broken down and gone over with me, I realized that the reality is that Izzy is much easier to save than I. I also know that even though Ry does not want me, that he'll be a great father to her. I just hope that his family will accept her. Anyhow, that's it for now. . . I guess everything is ultimately in God's hands, including the days of our lives!
So Alone,
Bri
So Alone,
Bri
Giving Izzy Up
Not much going on. Just frustrated with things. Nothing I want to talk about. It's just too much going on. I was put on extreme bed rest but that's not going to happen. Yes, Izzy doesn't have a chance. Not these days. Because of the stress and I literally have not been able to rest at all the doctors said I won't be able to keep her in. I'm lucky to sit down these days! I am tempted to go back to school against docs orders just so I can sit down. School is WAY less stressful than this!
And Ry and I are no longer talking. His choice. He wants someone new. I have pretty much given up. He wants full custody or nothing. And well Isabella isn't really wanted these days by many people. I love and want her, but I'm not sure that is enough now. I mean is it enough only for me to love her when the rest of the household won't? I can't do that to my baby girl. I can't let her live in a house when she will feel the unacceptance. So, what am I supposed to do? Honestly. For the first time, I told Ry that maybe she is better off with him after all! And maybe she is! She needs to be where she is most loved and accpeted.
I give up these days. I guess that is life. Ry said everything will work out. But he meant for him. I guess he's right. It'll all work out. He may get the second child he wants with no commitments. And I am left with a broken heart and a daughter I'll never know.
In Tears,
Bri
And Ry and I are no longer talking. His choice. He wants someone new. I have pretty much given up. He wants full custody or nothing. And well Isabella isn't really wanted these days by many people. I love and want her, but I'm not sure that is enough now. I mean is it enough only for me to love her when the rest of the household won't? I can't do that to my baby girl. I can't let her live in a house when she will feel the unacceptance. So, what am I supposed to do? Honestly. For the first time, I told Ry that maybe she is better off with him after all! And maybe she is! She needs to be where she is most loved and accpeted.
I give up these days. I guess that is life. Ry said everything will work out. But he meant for him. I guess he's right. It'll all work out. He may get the second child he wants with no commitments. And I am left with a broken heart and a daughter I'll never know.
In Tears,
Bri
Sunday, September 23, 2007
When There's Nothing Left. . . Baby Stuff
Hi All! So this past month has been such a roller coaster to say the least! I think men are the most indecisive people there are!
Yes, Ry and I were doing great for the past 2 months! I didn't say too much cuz I was scared that things would go south agian. What can you say when you still love the guy. Then when I was in the hospital he decided that it was completely over between us. Go figure. What a way to stress you out and make the baby come sooner! I kinda figured as much since he didn't return the call or text. But my heart was hoping otherwise. I found out on Fri when I was in the middle of the ultrasound that he was leaving me and the baby for good. Talk about devistating! I no longer enjoyed the ultrasound as I was left in tears and a broken heart again. I could barely talk to my midwife because the pain was so fresh again and I couldn't stop crying. I learned so many truths about him that day, truths that made me cry until the next morning. With absolutely no sleep I had to figure out how to just cope yesterday. By walking away, He said from everything. That he no longer wanted any part of his daughter either. And that if she wants to know him she'll look for him! How could he do this to her? To me? I knew in those horrible moments and the moments I lie awake exhausted yet still crying, what it felt like to be completley alone. No God was not there. Not this time. Had he been I wouldn't be hurt like this yet again. There was a void. Why couldn't God for once let me be happy and have a real family? A man who loved me back the way I loved him! I asked Ry if he had a heart at all. He said he did and because I won't walk away from him he was walking away from me and our baby girl.
I had given up. My heart doesn't even exist to beat any longer. Then yesterday he texted and said he fullfull any obligations the state would have him to. I told him that he had to be at the hospital to sign the paternity papers or else he'd be forced to take a test and pay 600. I told him he could do it for free and trust that he was the father because I have always been faithful to him (yes I could have cheated, but I HATE that and never would contemplate! Besides I have eyes only for him and he had my heart and love) or he could pay the cash and find out she is his afterall. He said he never doubted for a second she wasn't. He knows that because she was conceived when we were going to get married. Then I asked if he still wanted nothing to do with her and he said he'd take her 100%, or whatever I'd give him. I don't know any longer cuz well, I can't keep doing this. I don't want to yanked around, and I don't feel like seeing him if it had to end like that. He said that he isn't the man I first fell in love with anymore so to fall out of love! I told him that even when people change the other accepts them and they don't just walk away. But he chose to because he knew I'd stay faithful and accept him as he was. Yes, he chose once and for all to walk away. From me completely. From his daughter? Who knows. He said he may show at her birth. I can't hold my breath. I won't. I don't expect anything from him any longer. I don't expect him to even care if she's sick or dies or ends up in the NICU. I know he doesn't care if something happened to me. Because of all the stress he caused me, I lost over 10 pounds and now have gained 8 pounds at the most and I'll be 27 weeks in a few days! The baby is growing though and she looks great for her gestation. But my blood volume has dropped and they said I may have complications and may not recover. I haven't said anything to the folks cuz they don't need to worry. I can't have anesthia though cuz it'll affect her. She's too small. So for once I am terrified and feel as if I am in it alone.
That's all for now. The contractions have gotten stronger so we'll see. It's a matter of time and the waiting game now.
Heartbroken,
Bri
Yes, Ry and I were doing great for the past 2 months! I didn't say too much cuz I was scared that things would go south agian. What can you say when you still love the guy. Then when I was in the hospital he decided that it was completely over between us. Go figure. What a way to stress you out and make the baby come sooner! I kinda figured as much since he didn't return the call or text. But my heart was hoping otherwise. I found out on Fri when I was in the middle of the ultrasound that he was leaving me and the baby for good. Talk about devistating! I no longer enjoyed the ultrasound as I was left in tears and a broken heart again. I could barely talk to my midwife because the pain was so fresh again and I couldn't stop crying. I learned so many truths about him that day, truths that made me cry until the next morning. With absolutely no sleep I had to figure out how to just cope yesterday. By walking away, He said from everything. That he no longer wanted any part of his daughter either. And that if she wants to know him she'll look for him! How could he do this to her? To me? I knew in those horrible moments and the moments I lie awake exhausted yet still crying, what it felt like to be completley alone. No God was not there. Not this time. Had he been I wouldn't be hurt like this yet again. There was a void. Why couldn't God for once let me be happy and have a real family? A man who loved me back the way I loved him! I asked Ry if he had a heart at all. He said he did and because I won't walk away from him he was walking away from me and our baby girl.
I had given up. My heart doesn't even exist to beat any longer. Then yesterday he texted and said he fullfull any obligations the state would have him to. I told him that he had to be at the hospital to sign the paternity papers or else he'd be forced to take a test and pay 600. I told him he could do it for free and trust that he was the father because I have always been faithful to him (yes I could have cheated, but I HATE that and never would contemplate! Besides I have eyes only for him and he had my heart and love) or he could pay the cash and find out she is his afterall. He said he never doubted for a second she wasn't. He knows that because she was conceived when we were going to get married. Then I asked if he still wanted nothing to do with her and he said he'd take her 100%, or whatever I'd give him. I don't know any longer cuz well, I can't keep doing this. I don't want to yanked around, and I don't feel like seeing him if it had to end like that. He said that he isn't the man I first fell in love with anymore so to fall out of love! I told him that even when people change the other accepts them and they don't just walk away. But he chose to because he knew I'd stay faithful and accept him as he was. Yes, he chose once and for all to walk away. From me completely. From his daughter? Who knows. He said he may show at her birth. I can't hold my breath. I won't. I don't expect anything from him any longer. I don't expect him to even care if she's sick or dies or ends up in the NICU. I know he doesn't care if something happened to me. Because of all the stress he caused me, I lost over 10 pounds and now have gained 8 pounds at the most and I'll be 27 weeks in a few days! The baby is growing though and she looks great for her gestation. But my blood volume has dropped and they said I may have complications and may not recover. I haven't said anything to the folks cuz they don't need to worry. I can't have anesthia though cuz it'll affect her. She's too small. So for once I am terrified and feel as if I am in it alone.
That's all for now. The contractions have gotten stronger so we'll see. It's a matter of time and the waiting game now.
Heartbroken,
Bri
Friday, September 21, 2007
The Blinding Truth
The silence is so overwhelming! I hate his silence! And regardless of what I now know, I still love Ryan. My heart is aching knowing things I never wanted to believe! Is ignorance really bliss? Knowing the truth hurts you more than being naive! While I hate people lying to me, my heart is breaking finding out the truth of things and desperately wanting to believe it's not true! I want to go back to being trusting and naive because then my love was so pure for him. Because of him I can never love another. Because of him, I am I afraid to ever trust again! Who is him? We all know. He is the love of my life, Ry. What do you do when you love someone so much and find out a shocking truth about them that makes you sick to your stomach? How do you get over it? How do you forgive when you know you've been intentionally lied to?
Love. . . That's now all I have left. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing. I don't understand it because he was so different a month ago. Eventually I will see him even if he refuses to to come today to the ultrasound and to the birth. I will love him even though the truth now crashes over me like a wave with that won't end. It enwraps me with it's jaws and I struggle to get free, to just breath again. Yet I can't. I can't breath because I am drowning in the truth that I want it to end! I want to believe in him! I want to know he really isn't the man that I've seen last night! He is the love of my life, so what do I do? I love him regardless.
Love, I will still love him knowing what I know. I will still be there for him, regardless. He needs me to love him! I can't judge him only forgive him. My love won't judge him. My love for him will cover all that he's done wrong. My love is not going to fail to be there for him. My love will endure through this. I know he's confused. But I will still be here for him. What I don't understand is why? He promised he'd never lie to me and that I could always trust him. He said that was the one thing he and I always had is absolute trust between us. That no matter what we could be honest with each other. I have always been honest. But to him, are those just words? I hope not! We are so good together and he knows it. So I am confused to this new reality that has hit me. I have to know the truth.
well, I better go. Time to get ready for the doc!
Love you all!
Bri
Love. . . That's now all I have left. I don't know why he is doing what he is doing. I don't understand it because he was so different a month ago. Eventually I will see him even if he refuses to to come today to the ultrasound and to the birth. I will love him even though the truth now crashes over me like a wave with that won't end. It enwraps me with it's jaws and I struggle to get free, to just breath again. Yet I can't. I can't breath because I am drowning in the truth that I want it to end! I want to believe in him! I want to know he really isn't the man that I've seen last night! He is the love of my life, so what do I do? I love him regardless.
Love, I will still love him knowing what I know. I will still be there for him, regardless. He needs me to love him! I can't judge him only forgive him. My love won't judge him. My love for him will cover all that he's done wrong. My love is not going to fail to be there for him. My love will endure through this. I know he's confused. But I will still be here for him. What I don't understand is why? He promised he'd never lie to me and that I could always trust him. He said that was the one thing he and I always had is absolute trust between us. That no matter what we could be honest with each other. I have always been honest. But to him, are those just words? I hope not! We are so good together and he knows it. So I am confused to this new reality that has hit me. I have to know the truth.
well, I better go. Time to get ready for the doc!
Love you all!
Bri
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
When love dies, you're left empty inside
Hi all! I hope this finds you all much better than I. I am still contracting but what's new right? So, tonight I realized something. Maybe it's all the hormones, or maybe it's me finally having my eyes wide open, but I realize how foolish I was to hope Ryan would ever come back or love me again. I was so stupid to think he'd ever want or love his daughter. I don't feel like going into details because it hurts way to much but I am done being 2nd, 3rd, or anything else! I deserve to be first in his life. Maybe someday he'll realize it. But by then, I because of all the pain and because he's NOT chosen me or his daughter I hope to be as far away as possible from here! Maybe David was really right. As much as I hate to even think that, he said Ry will never love me. Other women are too important to him and he made me feel so insignificant and stupid. I'd rather have Izzy on my own than having someone there who doesn't care. Her birth is going to be a very sad day for me. So many people say that I should give her up for adoption. I've never contemplated it. Not for a second. But is it really what would be best for her? Would giving her away to a a family where the father loves the mother and they are a real family what would be best? I can't imagine parting with my baby girl, but maybe I am being selfish. She deserves more than what I can give her alone. She deserves a father who wants to be there all the time. Because Ry has not chosen us, I don't know what to do. I want her to have a good life and not ever know her dad chose other women and the single life over us. I don't her to know that he didn't want her and that she was an inconvenience in his life. If I gave her up for adoption Ryan could get on with his life and never have to look back at what he thinks is the biggest mistake he's made. As the tears fill my eyes, I realize he sees me as a mistake. He thinks Izzy, his baby girl is a mistake. I now realize he wouldn't even be talking to me if I wasn't pregnant with his daughter. That really does break my heart. I thought things were good again until I realized I was being played and it was all a lie again. I give up. He can live his single life and I will no longer bug him. He chose to walk away from me the moment he walked out of that hospital and never bothered to answer his phone, his texts, or even ask how I was. I give up. So, now I have to pray and ask God what am I supposed to do with Izzy! If I keep her, I can't keep wishing Ry would come back to loving me. I give up. He wins. The other women win. I just hope they are worth it. Worth hurting me and in the long run her. I hope they are worth walking aways from us. I do love him, but I can't continue to cry every day! This doesn't mean I'll go back to David, but I realized that maybe he wasn't so stupid after-all and I was. I trusted him not to hurt me. But ultimately the only thing that mattered was his happiness. When a man texts another woman that she is beautiful when he is with you, well that shows where you stand with him. How stupid I felt. I guess the joke really is on me because he hasn't even told me that in 3 or so weeks. He won't even text me first! Yes, I am emotional being put on extra hormones and on strict bed rest. But I just can't do this any longer. I guess as I question all of this I know now that it really doesn't matter how much you love someone, they still will never love you back!
In Tears with a broken heart yet again,
Bri
In Tears with a broken heart yet again,
Bri
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Will He Love Me?
Hi all! I decided to reread almost everything I had written on this site! Man I sure have gone through a lot! I believe now that I was trying to replace Ry with David. He was the rebound. I know I said I was over him but I am so crazy in love with him! Even through all the hurt and pain and knowing that we most likely will never end up together! I can only hope that that God will give me a miracle and that Ry come full circle to loving me again! Will it ever happen? We shall see! Until then I pray God works miracles!
Love you all!
Love you all!
Monday, September 17, 2007
Stopping Labor, Emotions at a High!
Hi all! I hope this finds you all better than I. Sunday morning I started having severe pain and contractions. I had to go into the hospital because my midwife said I needed to. I was so afraid. However, with Ryan being there with me made things so muc better! He made me feel as if everything was going to be OK.
They gave me a shot in the arm to stop the contractions that were putting me into labor. However when they gave me Phenergan to stop the nausea my body started spasming. It was the worse feeling or thing I'd ever gone through. I could not control any movements. I said I'd rather give birth and feel that pain any day. I felt as if it'd never end. I asked when the medicine would wear off and they said not for 6 hours! I was scared to be honest. I knew I could not physically handle that for 6 hours. My mom and sister were that at that point. My sister found it funny, and well Ryan didn't say much. The doctor said she was not going to give me anything else for fear of another reaction. I turned on my side and tried to sleep it off. It finally wore off and I was relieved. It didn't last 6 hours, thank God!
They finally left and Ryan stayed with me for a while. He watched sports while I slept, I think. My folks came back and brought a down comforter for him to sleep with. I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. He and I had a little dinner, and talked a bit. I of course was extremely emotional, from all the drugs and the pain and just everything, because I realized that I still loved him very deeply. And to know that he doesn't love me back still brings tears to my eyes. It hurts so deeply knowing I am not the only woman he choses to be with. I know that I upset him, but I hope he can see past everything and know that underneath it all I do care and love him, and that is the reason I am jealous of the other women he'd rather hang out with.
My parents finally came back and they took Ryan with them to get his car. I told Ryan he did NOT have to come back. I knew he could've done a million other things that day. I knew he'd rather be at home in his bed! I wanted him to be happy and do what he wants not what I want. I needed him there and yet, I also knew I wanted him there only if he wanted to be.
He did come back late that night. We talked briefly before he fell asleep. Neither of us slept too well. And in the morning he took a shower and told me to call him at 10:30 and left. The doctors and nurses did more tests before concluding that my contractions were back and strong. I was given a pill to help stop them. They said it was because I was stressed most likely. I was finally released and put under extreme bedrest orders. I am not aloud to get out of bed except to go the bathroom now. That will NOT happen. I already know that I will have to take care of the kids because I am NOT allowed to go to school. I am NOT happy about this. What am I supposed to do? Izzy will come and it's because I know that nothing will change. I know that I will NOT be allowed to be on bedrest even a little. And yes, I did call Ryan and but never talked to him. I realized he is still upset with me and that I probably blew it. I hate the silence. I am not going into it. I just don't understand it all. We were so happy not even a week ago! We were hanging out! He called ME to go hang out and do stuff! ME! Not another woman! He said everything was good between us. I was so happy! So what changed? I am still confused! : (
Is David really right? Will he never really choose me? Will he never really love me again? I want him to! I want him to choose me! I want to raise Izzy with him! I want us to be a happy family! I thought I was finally over things and I realized I'm just not. I may never be over loving him! He is the love of my life! I think not hearing from him today is what started the contractions again. Had I had to have given birth today, he would not have been there. He never answered his phone. I would've done it all alone and that made me cry! : (
Why do I feel like I am going to do this all alone?
People think it's so easy to have a baby on your own and to be a single parent. It's not! I'd rather be married any day! I'd rather be married to Ryan even if I had to wait for him than to be unhappy and alone! I love him for who he is, and I have never judged him! And that's all that should matter! I don't care what others say, it should be between 2 people and if they love each other that is enough! If he loved me back that would be enough!
Well I have to go lay down. I am confused and in pain! I am supposed to be on bedrest and well on that pill that stops the contractions but none of the pharmacies have it. So, I must try and relax! I must try not to cry again, even though I have a heavy feeling my heart is about to break again.
Saddened,
Bri
They gave me a shot in the arm to stop the contractions that were putting me into labor. However when they gave me Phenergan to stop the nausea my body started spasming. It was the worse feeling or thing I'd ever gone through. I could not control any movements. I said I'd rather give birth and feel that pain any day. I felt as if it'd never end. I asked when the medicine would wear off and they said not for 6 hours! I was scared to be honest. I knew I could not physically handle that for 6 hours. My mom and sister were that at that point. My sister found it funny, and well Ryan didn't say much. The doctor said she was not going to give me anything else for fear of another reaction. I turned on my side and tried to sleep it off. It finally wore off and I was relieved. It didn't last 6 hours, thank God!
They finally left and Ryan stayed with me for a while. He watched sports while I slept, I think. My folks came back and brought a down comforter for him to sleep with. I wanted to make sure he was taken care of. He and I had a little dinner, and talked a bit. I of course was extremely emotional, from all the drugs and the pain and just everything, because I realized that I still loved him very deeply. And to know that he doesn't love me back still brings tears to my eyes. It hurts so deeply knowing I am not the only woman he choses to be with. I know that I upset him, but I hope he can see past everything and know that underneath it all I do care and love him, and that is the reason I am jealous of the other women he'd rather hang out with.
My parents finally came back and they took Ryan with them to get his car. I told Ryan he did NOT have to come back. I knew he could've done a million other things that day. I knew he'd rather be at home in his bed! I wanted him to be happy and do what he wants not what I want. I needed him there and yet, I also knew I wanted him there only if he wanted to be.
He did come back late that night. We talked briefly before he fell asleep. Neither of us slept too well. And in the morning he took a shower and told me to call him at 10:30 and left. The doctors and nurses did more tests before concluding that my contractions were back and strong. I was given a pill to help stop them. They said it was because I was stressed most likely. I was finally released and put under extreme bedrest orders. I am not aloud to get out of bed except to go the bathroom now. That will NOT happen. I already know that I will have to take care of the kids because I am NOT allowed to go to school. I am NOT happy about this. What am I supposed to do? Izzy will come and it's because I know that nothing will change. I know that I will NOT be allowed to be on bedrest even a little. And yes, I did call Ryan and but never talked to him. I realized he is still upset with me and that I probably blew it. I hate the silence. I am not going into it. I just don't understand it all. We were so happy not even a week ago! We were hanging out! He called ME to go hang out and do stuff! ME! Not another woman! He said everything was good between us. I was so happy! So what changed? I am still confused! : (
Is David really right? Will he never really choose me? Will he never really love me again? I want him to! I want him to choose me! I want to raise Izzy with him! I want us to be a happy family! I thought I was finally over things and I realized I'm just not. I may never be over loving him! He is the love of my life! I think not hearing from him today is what started the contractions again. Had I had to have given birth today, he would not have been there. He never answered his phone. I would've done it all alone and that made me cry! : (
Why do I feel like I am going to do this all alone?
People think it's so easy to have a baby on your own and to be a single parent. It's not! I'd rather be married any day! I'd rather be married to Ryan even if I had to wait for him than to be unhappy and alone! I love him for who he is, and I have never judged him! And that's all that should matter! I don't care what others say, it should be between 2 people and if they love each other that is enough! If he loved me back that would be enough!
Well I have to go lay down. I am confused and in pain! I am supposed to be on bedrest and well on that pill that stops the contractions but none of the pharmacies have it. So, I must try and relax! I must try not to cry again, even though I have a heavy feeling my heart is about to break again.
Saddened,
Bri
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Such is Life
Hi All! Let's see. Life has definitely had it's ups and downs lately. Let's just say this is going to be a LONG semester! Sigh. . . I am so tired all the time so this isn't good.
As for Ryan and I, well I thought we were finally good friends again, but I knew that wouldn't last long. . . Life is what it is. I am tired of the going back and forth.
I am just ready to have Izzy and move on with life! Completely. I hate this. I hate the back and forth from Ryan. I hate how one minute he's talking to me and the next total silence! I deserve better than that! I will NOT raise Izzy like this. Either he's here or he's not.
Anyhow, that's life. Lame I know, but there's not much to tell.
I think God was meant for me to live life as a single person. It sux, because I really do want a husband eventually. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Oh well.
As for Ryan and I, well I thought we were finally good friends again, but I knew that wouldn't last long. . . Life is what it is. I am tired of the going back and forth.
I am just ready to have Izzy and move on with life! Completely. I hate this. I hate the back and forth from Ryan. I hate how one minute he's talking to me and the next total silence! I deserve better than that! I will NOT raise Izzy like this. Either he's here or he's not.
Anyhow, that's life. Lame I know, but there's not much to tell.
I think God was meant for me to live life as a single person. It sux, because I really do want a husband eventually. But that doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Oh well.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
This Gal's Diary
OK, really last quick one! I am still writing the book! I promise to give you all the website soon! I just have to get to a point where I want to. A few people found it and said they love the story so far! LOL! I don't even know them!
More to come on this gal's diary!
More to come on this gal's diary!
25 Weeks & Counting! Yeah!
BTW, I am now 25 weeks! Every week is better than the last for Isabella's survival! Though now they said I have to start a kick chart. If I don't feel her move or kick 10 times in an hour, I am back in the hospital for a contraction stress test! Sigh! She'd better be active, because I am tired of going in! I want to deliver at St. Joe's for crying out loud! I want my midwife, Peggy to deliver! So, let's pray Izzy stays snug in her little home inside of me for now! I feel like I am getting so BIG! LOL! Everyone I meet says they wouldn't even know i was pregnant! But trust me, I know! I guess the older you get, the harder it is to be pregnant! When I was younger, it was so much easier! I feel like I am getting so old! LOL!
OK seriously, off to bed now! I just wanted to give you a baby update!
Love to all!
Bri
OK seriously, off to bed now! I just wanted to give you a baby update!
Love to all!
Bri
Mikey's first day of school & Life is GOOD!
Hi! Mikey's first day of school was great! We put him on the bus and then followed it to school so he'd know how to do it. Then we took him to the morning daycare that he'll be in before school once the bus arrives! It's more like an open gym and he plays basketball quite a bit! Then we walked him up to his classroom and took pictures and said goodbye. He missed his bus home because they forgot to put him on, but he seemed fine, because he was in after school care and seems to love it! He loves to play! When I went to pick him up, he loved it! He ran to me and jumped in my arms and gave me a kiss and said he missed me and loved me! : ) That made me so happy! I love my little boy and I miss that! Lately we've been spending a lot of special mommy, Mikey time together! We read a cool book about rocks and fossils I bought him everyday! One page of discovery a day is what we say! The past week or so, I've picked him up a few times from school because I couldn't get to his bus in time. Every time I do, he always runs up to me and jumps in my arms with kisses and I love yous! I am so glad to have my baby boy back! We sing and play together a lot more now!
Alexis too has had special mommy time! I guess meeting Ryan really helped me realize how much I was missing out on their lives and wanted to spend with them! I even arranged all my school schedules so that I could be with them and take them to their things. My only long day now is Wednesday where I am gone from 7-7. It makes for long days for me doing it this way, but I would rather have one long day than not see my kids at all like last year! : ) With Izzy on the way it makes me slow day all that much more anyhow! Well, I am beat and have to still read 3 chapters for Philosophy so I am gone for now! : ) I'll fall asleep reading most likely, but such is life!
I do love my life! And I am glad that Ryan is the only man in it right now! We are pretty close again! We are really starting to enjoy each other as friends! No we are not back together. We don't want to rush into anything again. But we are doing what we should've done the first time! We are being friends and seeing how that works first. I have school to focus on anyhow! But life is so less complicated now that there is no more David! LOL! As nice as it was to be pursued by someone else, I realized that it's not fair to him and that we lead to very different lifestyles! He's a good guy, but well, not for me. I'm a simple gal with family values and would rather live the relaxing life than a stressed out one that makes a ton of money! Give me a shack on the beach or a small cottage in he country any day! I love the quietness of the suburban life! I love to go to the city to do things but would rather live in the country!
Well good night all! Not so sure about life, but for now, I am loving it!
Dream very sweet dreams!
Bri
Alexis too has had special mommy time! I guess meeting Ryan really helped me realize how much I was missing out on their lives and wanted to spend with them! I even arranged all my school schedules so that I could be with them and take them to their things. My only long day now is Wednesday where I am gone from 7-7. It makes for long days for me doing it this way, but I would rather have one long day than not see my kids at all like last year! : ) With Izzy on the way it makes me slow day all that much more anyhow! Well, I am beat and have to still read 3 chapters for Philosophy so I am gone for now! : ) I'll fall asleep reading most likely, but such is life!
I do love my life! And I am glad that Ryan is the only man in it right now! We are pretty close again! We are really starting to enjoy each other as friends! No we are not back together. We don't want to rush into anything again. But we are doing what we should've done the first time! We are being friends and seeing how that works first. I have school to focus on anyhow! But life is so less complicated now that there is no more David! LOL! As nice as it was to be pursued by someone else, I realized that it's not fair to him and that we lead to very different lifestyles! He's a good guy, but well, not for me. I'm a simple gal with family values and would rather live the relaxing life than a stressed out one that makes a ton of money! Give me a shack on the beach or a small cottage in he country any day! I love the quietness of the suburban life! I love to go to the city to do things but would rather live in the country!
Well good night all! Not so sure about life, but for now, I am loving it!
Dream very sweet dreams!
Bri
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Lovin Life : )
Hi! These past few days have been amazing! Sigh. . . . Life is good right now. . . do I need to say more of specify? Izzy is doing well, and well Ryan and I are slowly becoming good friends again! : ) That makes me so happy! I know, I know, I won't get my hopes up, but life is as it should be right now. . . Actually no I take that back if we worked things out, then life would be as it should be. But for now, I am loving life.
School is good. Actually it's great! Very hard though! It's going to consist of more homework than I ever imagined possible! Anyhow, I can write more later, but I am throughly exhausted! I only had 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up for school! But last night was well worth it! I'd never it trade it for anything! I haven't laughed and smiled like that in ages!
Lovin life! : )
School is good. Actually it's great! Very hard though! It's going to consist of more homework than I ever imagined possible! Anyhow, I can write more later, but I am throughly exhausted! I only had 3 hours of sleep before I had to get up for school! But last night was well worth it! I'd never it trade it for anything! I haven't laughed and smiled like that in ages!
Lovin life! : )
Monday, September 10, 2007
Indifferent
Hi all! Not much has changed. I'll be 25 weeks in 2 days, and that is better than the 24 weeks that I am currently.
Izzy isn't moving as much, but I have been to busy to really pay attention, because of school. As far as Ryan and I go. . . Well same o, same o. I don't think things will ever change. I wish they would, as I still love him, but what do I expect these days? Nothing any longer. When someone says they need time to figure everything out and then are kissing another woman a week later, what am I supposed to think/feel? Yes my heart broke yet again. I just wish Izzy was here and that I knew what I am to do.
I have come to the thoughts this weekend, as I told my best friend, that if we don't end up together, and if he is still with other women, I will walk away permanently with Izzy. I won't be able to bear seeing him with other women, and I DON'T want my daughter knowing any other woman. Is that wrong? Who knows. All I have to say is that if you're not married don't get pregnant. Seriously. All you end up with is heartbreak. And it's not fair to the child. What am I supposed to tell Izzy? That her dad walked away because he'd rather have been with another woman than his own daughter? HMM. . . That is going to break my heart when I have to tell her why daddy is never around.
So that's the life. As sucky as it is, it's what's real these days.
Indifferent,
Bri
Izzy isn't moving as much, but I have been to busy to really pay attention, because of school. As far as Ryan and I go. . . Well same o, same o. I don't think things will ever change. I wish they would, as I still love him, but what do I expect these days? Nothing any longer. When someone says they need time to figure everything out and then are kissing another woman a week later, what am I supposed to think/feel? Yes my heart broke yet again. I just wish Izzy was here and that I knew what I am to do.
I have come to the thoughts this weekend, as I told my best friend, that if we don't end up together, and if he is still with other women, I will walk away permanently with Izzy. I won't be able to bear seeing him with other women, and I DON'T want my daughter knowing any other woman. Is that wrong? Who knows. All I have to say is that if you're not married don't get pregnant. Seriously. All you end up with is heartbreak. And it's not fair to the child. What am I supposed to tell Izzy? That her dad walked away because he'd rather have been with another woman than his own daughter? HMM. . . That is going to break my heart when I have to tell her why daddy is never around.
So that's the life. As sucky as it is, it's what's real these days.
Indifferent,
Bri
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Life is Awesome!
I just have to say that I am extremely happy! Life is good! Maybe I'll write about it later! And yes, tomorrow I will write about MIkey's first day of school!
HMMM! All I can say is tonight I will fall asleep with a big smile on my face!
XOXO
HMMM! All I can say is tonight I will fall asleep with a big smile on my face!
XOXO
Life is Interesting, Nothing Ever Stays the Same!
School is interesting, men are interesting, children are interesting and well life in general is interesting! That's all I have to say!
Besides that, I have a TON of homework due, and well being in the hospital last night (long story yet again, cuz my midwife sent me there cuz she thought i'd have to deliver.) I lost valuable study time. I would like to try and stay in the top 5 of my class, but with life happening we shall see! As my philosophy teacher said today, life happens, and we can never count on things to stay the same!
Well, to be honest, I'd like something to remain the same! LOL! Not sure what but everything seems to always change! Well, maybe I'll have to wait for 7 years and have my medical degree before I see some kind of normality! LOL! Even then most patients are NOT normal! LOL!
The only thing that is constantly the same is that the daddy of Isabella is no longer in the picture. And we will never get back together. HMMM. . . . Not sure I wanted that to stay the same! But God knows best.
OK, enough ramblings, gotta run! Besides, I've been working on my book that I am writing. That's why I am not on here often.
Have a smiley day!
Bri
Besides that, I have a TON of homework due, and well being in the hospital last night (long story yet again, cuz my midwife sent me there cuz she thought i'd have to deliver.) I lost valuable study time. I would like to try and stay in the top 5 of my class, but with life happening we shall see! As my philosophy teacher said today, life happens, and we can never count on things to stay the same!
Well, to be honest, I'd like something to remain the same! LOL! Not sure what but everything seems to always change! Well, maybe I'll have to wait for 7 years and have my medical degree before I see some kind of normality! LOL! Even then most patients are NOT normal! LOL!
The only thing that is constantly the same is that the daddy of Isabella is no longer in the picture. And we will never get back together. HMMM. . . . Not sure I wanted that to stay the same! But God knows best.
OK, enough ramblings, gotta run! Besides, I've been working on my book that I am writing. That's why I am not on here often.
Have a smiley day!
Bri
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Made the 24 Week Mark
BTW, I made it to 24 weeks! That is a miracle and praise God! So, if I deliver as of now they have a chance of saving our little Isabella!
I do love her so!
Thought I'd share the joy before heading to bed! Happy thoughts!
I do love her so!
Thought I'd share the joy before heading to bed! Happy thoughts!
Final Thoughts on the Closed Case
Hi! So, I am exhausted as usual! But what's new? LOL! Anyhow, looking back on the decisions I did make, I am so glad that things with David really are over. Yes, while it was nice to be treated like a woman of value he also looked down upon those who weren't making money like him. When I said that I was debating on just getting my nursing degree, he said so you're only going to be just a a nurse. He looked down upon that. He also didn't want Ryan in any part of Izzy's life. While Ryan and I may not be talking, who knows what's going on, he still has the right to see her if he wants to.
Well actually I am really torn. Yes, David is right and Ryan may have have a ton of woman around. And I don't want Izzy around all of them. So, I am torn. What am I supposed to do? I want him in her life but only if he cleans it up.
I am so torn about what to do. Well at least time will tell. As David says. I have 3 and 1/2 months max to see what he will decide. But that does not mean I will wait around for him.
School is good. Philosophy may be cool or boring. I am not sure yet. I couldn't really concentrate because the guy who sat down next to me reeked of cigarette smoke and pot! My did I have a headache! : (
Well, I am going to go lay down. I will write later if there is something on my mind. Tomorrow I have a very long day! I have chem and bio back to back, with both of their labs and discussions! Yawn! I have classes from 8-5! Only an hour break! HMMM! Will I survive? With this baby determined to come early, we shall see. I am not sure how I will be able to handle her being in the neonatal unit and studying. I will be so overwhelmed and exhausted. I am not even sure Ryan will be around for it!
And yes, I do believe that in time, God's time that I will once again be happy and finally be with a man of my dreams! I may not have even met him yet! LOL! OH Well!
So, good night for now!
Bri
Well actually I am really torn. Yes, David is right and Ryan may have have a ton of woman around. And I don't want Izzy around all of them. So, I am torn. What am I supposed to do? I want him in her life but only if he cleans it up.
I am so torn about what to do. Well at least time will tell. As David says. I have 3 and 1/2 months max to see what he will decide. But that does not mean I will wait around for him.
School is good. Philosophy may be cool or boring. I am not sure yet. I couldn't really concentrate because the guy who sat down next to me reeked of cigarette smoke and pot! My did I have a headache! : (
Well, I am going to go lay down. I will write later if there is something on my mind. Tomorrow I have a very long day! I have chem and bio back to back, with both of their labs and discussions! Yawn! I have classes from 8-5! Only an hour break! HMMM! Will I survive? With this baby determined to come early, we shall see. I am not sure how I will be able to handle her being in the neonatal unit and studying. I will be so overwhelmed and exhausted. I am not even sure Ryan will be around for it!
And yes, I do believe that in time, God's time that I will once again be happy and finally be with a man of my dreams! I may not have even met him yet! LOL! OH Well!
So, good night for now!
Bri
Monday, September 3, 2007
The final decision has been made!
Hi. Last Saturday I went out with David. We went to an Indian restaurant. The food was good, but the conversation was lacking. I realized I no longer wished to see him. I need someone more down to earth and family oriented! Even though Ryan and I aren't together, he's still more my type. Besides David didn't want him in the picture with our daughter! He even wanted to change her name!
Yes, I also saw Ryan. He and I talked and hung out for a bit. It was great seeing him again! I know that we won't end up together, but O still want to remain friends with him.
Maybe all this happened for a reason. I am starting school again and don't need the distraction. Also the fact that David didn't believe in Jesus, well that was just too big of a difference! I want to raise my children in Christ and if that means doing it as a single mother, I will. So my decision has been made! It may have taken all summer but in the end we were walking in 2 completely different worlds! Mine is simple and family oriented. David's was too complex and career oriented! While I have no idea where Ryan will end up he and I are in the same type of world! He is a dad already. Well that is the end of the 2 men saga.
Yes, I also saw Ryan. He and I talked and hung out for a bit. It was great seeing him again! I know that we won't end up together, but O still want to remain friends with him.
Maybe all this happened for a reason. I am starting school again and don't need the distraction. Also the fact that David didn't believe in Jesus, well that was just too big of a difference! I want to raise my children in Christ and if that means doing it as a single mother, I will. So my decision has been made! It may have taken all summer but in the end we were walking in 2 completely different worlds! Mine is simple and family oriented. David's was too complex and career oriented! While I have no idea where Ryan will end up he and I are in the same type of world! He is a dad already. Well that is the end of the 2 men saga.
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