still waiting, though heading to the hospital

Hi all! Things are OK, just in a lot of pain but that's normal right? Izzy turned from breech to head down by Friday morning. However she didn't remain that way for long and last night turned back breech. Because the contractions aren't stopping, I am going into the hospital today as required by my doc. to check things out.

I spose I will be doing this completely alone as Ry hasn't said he wants to come any longer. Geez. Monday he was really sweet and stuff and Sat. he turned back into the guy he's been lately. I had hoped he'd at least be there for the baby, but at this point, whatever happens happens, cuz I seriously have no strength left to hope for him to be there or do anything. I am NOT going to fall for anything and get played again. I can have this baby on my own if that is what he wants. If he never wants to see her, it's his loss. Well, better go. Please don't expect a ton of updates as I no longer have a computer. I have to buy another one. So, for now I'll write as I can.

Take Care,

Bri

Still Waiting, Exhausted

Hi! So, around 2 or so I called my doctor. She said to try some tylenol PM if I wanted to try and sleep and to take a bath to ease the contractions. I am cautioned against using anything more right now because it could have affects on the baby if she is born today.

I finally took some at 4:30 or 5 and dozed off around 5:30. But I woke to the contractions and my son needing me to help him get ready for school at 6:30. With only an hour sleep and the contractions picking up yet again, I am exhausted. So I am going to finally take that warm bath and try and rest before Alexis gets home. Because Isabella isn't 32 weeks she said if I go in before I am fully effaced that they will stop it again, so it's best to wait as long as possible at home. Once they pain bring me to tears, I know it'll be time to go in.

This morning I watched A Baby Story and it made me cry because the baby got to stay with her parents and go home with them. I want that so much! But I know I may not even get to hold her and she will be in the NICU for a long time if born now. Though she finally made it to 31 weeks, it's still not 32 or 34 weeks. Alexis was 34 weeks and she was still in the NICU for a while. How much longer will she stay?

My mom wants her to wait until December because she said it'd be nice to have a Christmas baby, which would also put her at full term, but I am not sure what will happen. All I know is it's in God's hands now, and He knows what she and I need.

So, I am going to go and try and relax before I have to do anything major!

Still in pain,

Bri

Labor is upon me

Hi! I've been having severe contractions with double and sometimes more peeks. In fact they woke me up. I've tried almost everything to get them to stop. They increase with walking. I have yet to try lying in a bath, which I will result to shorty if they don't stop! I've been holding off because my little ones are sound asleep and I don't want to wake them. I am completely exhausted. I was told I could take a percaset and a muscle relaxer to help ease the pain along with Ambian to sleep. But to be honest as much as I want them to stop and sleep, they may be coming on this strongly for a reason. It felt like Izzy was doing gymnastics earlier so maybe she turned! That would be amazing! But we shall see! I will not take any drugs for this though. That is a cop out to the whole birthing process and every time I felt pain or contractions, if I took one that could only harm Isabella. So, this may be my last posting before I go in. If I do not write by tomorrow afternoon, I am in the hospital! If I do deliver her today, I just pray for a strong miracle that everything is OK with her and that she comes out healthy!

Love you all!

Bri

What will happen?

So let me ask. . . If I have been in and out of active labor because they keep stopping it, how do I absolutely know when to go in again? They said when my water gushes, but if that doesn't happen? SInce the contractions are hard to even breath through, how long do I actually wait? Do I wait until every Friday appt and then they tell me they are going to deliver? Or do I wait until I possibly pass out? It'd be way easier to do this if I were full term and they didn't stop it every time! So now I am not even sure when is the time? With Michael they had to break my water 3 times! Yes, 3! It kept resealing! So, with Izzy, I don't even know now. I guess if I feel her move at least 10 times in an hour even though the contractions come every 1-6 minutes aoart and last from 30-90 seconds it's OK? I thought I was an old vetran when it came to all of this! I feel like I know nothing! LOL! All I know is the pain these days! Geez! I still have so much to do! I still have so much to get! I don't really have anything! A few clothes, an old crib and changing table and that is it! I still have to buy the car seat, stroller, bedding, etc. I feel so overwhelmed! And with having a c-section when it finally happens, they think because of the complications already, I will have to be in the hospital for at least 5 days. Izzy of course will be in for at least 2 months they said, and that is if she makes it. Despite all the pain, I hope she can wait at least 1 1/2 more weeks and make it to 32! Everything is in God's hands now! I don't want to have her this week anyhow, cuz Ry will be out of town for the week! I don't want to go into surgery alone! : ( But if I have to, I do.

A Greater Purpose!

Hi! So I woke up this morning, yes, somewhat still in pain. The reason I didn't write yesterday is because I was having severe contractions and at one point I thought the doctor was gong to have to take her. I felt as if I were going to pass out from the pain. Now mind you, I still want to go natural as long as possible in hopes that she does turn. I want as little side affects as possible on my baby girl. Yes, I have a ton of drugs I've been given. Enough so, that I would never feel any pain. But that is not what childbearing is all about! There is a reason God made it the way it is! But lil' Izzy is still safe and snug in there which the doctors are counting as a true miracle! They don't see her staying put much past 32 weeks though and if she does, it'll be a blessing! Every day, every hour, every minute counts now!

But despite all of this. Despite doing it all alone, I am OK with it all. I finally put her crib together and am painting her changing table and dresser. I don't have anything else, so I must now save for a stroller, carseat, bedding, etc. But somehow how God'll provide since I am doing it completely alone. Maybe this is the time that He is testing me and my faith once again in Him. Knowing there's no possible way I can do it on my own. But Isabella will bring me joy amongst all the heartache. She may end up looking like her father, but I think in time, I will no longer think of him. I know he will not be around because he made that decision, and I also know I will get no child support whatsoever, so as some have said it'll almost be as if I never knew him.

I know that it may be hard on Izzy, but she'll have me and I will raise her in love and with God's Word and I will pray she has a tender, kind heart as her sister has! She will be nothing but a blessing to me and I will not ever think once that she wasn't wanted. I have always wanted her. I hadn't planned for her per say, but God gave her to me early! Only He sees the bigger plan! He knows what is supposed to happen with Isabella. He knows her life and what she will become!

Yes, I pray I do make it through it all! As Ryan told me live like you were going to live. So, I will. If I don't, well then I will die like I was going to live! LOL!

Well anyhow, I am really groggy so I am going to go lay down!

Smile! and the world will smile with you!

bouncing baby!

So a good thing! Izzy is moving like crazy! I am exhausted so I am heading to bed! But they say it's great that she is moving! That's it for now!

30 weeks and a miracle!

Hi! So, the ultrasound was somewhat reassuring! Izzy weighs 3.3 pounds now. She is still a week behind on her weight, but slowly catching up! However being at this weight, she is in a much better position to be healthier even if born now. However, my cervix is measuring at 2.7 and they don't worry until it's 2.5, whatever that means. So for today and possibly this weekend I am good to go! A lot of contractions they assume will take place but no baby will come from it. Well, she can't. If she tried it'd kill me. She is still breech. : ( They said that position she is in, she is most likely to stay that way now. Bummer! I had to have several tests today because of everything. And of course more shots to postpone labor. Now of course they are aiming for 32 weeks! But it is a true miracle as they never thought that I'd make it this far! Yeah! 2 more weeks and she's out of a serious danger zone!

Slowly I am realizing it all and know that I can do this on my own if I have to. I also signed a release stating I want an autopsy if I don't make it. That way it'll tell what exactly was the thing that ended up killing me, if it was too much blood loss or if there was an underlying cause!

Now here the thing, when I do go into the hospital I will write one last post saying I am going in to have her. If you don't here from me on here a week after I go in, there were complications and I didn't make it. If that is the case and you want to go to the funeral, just write a comment under my last post and my parents will read them and let you know the date and time! I'm not sure I want a funeral though to be honest, but what they do after I am gone is their choice.

I truly hope to make it, but I am leaving my life, literally in God's hands! But for now all is OK with Isabella, so I am thankful for that!


Enjoy your weekend and be blessed!

Exhausted,

Bri

Tell me the truth

This has been one emotional day! GEEZ! At this rate, I want to just have Izzy and be done with this whole nightmare. As of now, I will be having her alone. It's best this way anyhow. I got myself into this mess, so I should and want to do it alone. I don't want any sympathy or help. I honestly don't know what I will even do with her now.

Yes, I was stupid. Yes I screwed things up. And yes, I really do deserve this. So, if anyone else truly has anything else they want to say to me, about how much of a screw-up I am or that I am a bad person or selfish, heartless and self-centered, say it now. Don't just sit there and think these things to yourself, tell me. Trust me after today whatever you have to say won't come as a shock. Apparently "anonymous" thinks all these things too. What do I really know? Nothing. I thought I did and could do it. I thought I could have her and be a good mom to my children. But if I am so fake then there really is nothing left to be honest. So, instead of talking about me behind my back and having me find out anyhow just tell me to my face. If you have a lot to say, just say it. Just be honest with me.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow to see if she is even still alive, since there has been no movement. All I care is that she is healthy at this point. Don't ask me what will come of her. I don't even know any longer.

Bri

Alone

Life has been so emotional today! I seriously just want to stop all the hormones. Geez! Looks like I'll be doing the birth completely alone!

Sad,

Me

Last thoughts to anonymous

Hello. First there are reasons in the Bible that permit divorce and yes, my marriage fell into those catergories. I did it to protect the children. If I were selfish I would've stayed. So there are definite reasons any pastor and God Himself would say leave and get out. I did just that. You do not need to know what happened, but if you did, you would not say another word because you'd feel like a jerk, if you knew the full truth. Yes, my kids are impacted, but trust me all who really know know that this is the best impact I could've done for them.

Second, you're funny, because real life is just that,it doesn't matter that I am a mother, actually it reaches more people because I am not some single person who goes around sleeping around, regardless of what you may think. I have had over 1,000 people read the first chapter and all of them have said how close to their own lives it is and have thanked me for being honest and going through the struggles that single people who have no responsibility or children can understand or go through. I have been asked to put public more of the story, but I am not done yet. You may not want to read about the life of a mother, but you are one in the world.

3rd, my children are my world and I have always been careful about which men I bring in their lives. Ryan and I were going to get married and loved each other at one point. I never expected things to happen as they did. I have many men ask to meet them and be a part of their lives but I have always said no way. David, the guy I dated inbetween Ryan last summer wanted to meet them. He talked about even adopting Izzy as his and us being a family. Knowing that I wasn't stupid enough to jump into anything right away after just coming out of the Ryan thing, I never said yes. I ended up going back to Ryan which yes was a mistake. Yes, my kids did hurt for a long time so even when I was seeing him again, I didn't involve the kids. Actually I didn't really tell anyone, because I was afraid to be hurt yet again, which yes did happen. When you love someone you give them that power to destroy you, he had that and did. What you don't know is that while things were good between us again, Alexis and I went to a park. I saw him and his daughter walking to his car. Not wanting to hurt my daughter again (she didn't see them) I took her and ran the opposite direction playing games with her. If I were selfish I would've ran over to him and game him a huge hug and tell him that I was so glad to see him. I didn't. I did the opposite and that is why I never even saw him wave to us! However, he drove around to where we were and called out to us. By then it was too late and Alexis saw them. She was so excited to see her "best friend" again and ran over to them. I didn't want to make a big deal about it so we went over and talked to them while the girls talked and played. If I had a choice I wouldn't have let her see him and start the hope of being sisters with his daughter all over again. I know how much it impacted her the first time. Ryan did make that decision. He didn't know what he wanted. Now it's easy for us. He's decided again that he doesn't want us again. I know I can't keep going through this and it's not fair to the kids. I can't even imagine doing this to Izzy because she'd feel abandoned every time he came and went. So don't tell me he has no impact. I already said after him that they will never meet another man until I know we are serious about getting married. I will introduce them as friends if they do meet them, as I did once before and it was no big deal. Given that I still love Ryan I don't see myself dating anytime soon anyhow. Also my kids have asked me for a daddy and said they want a man around to be there for them. Nothing made my son happier than when Ryan played with them and went to Mike's t-ball game with me! So, it would be in their best interest to someday have a man permanently in their lives. And that man will NOT be Ryan any longer. And yes, God does want us to be happy and not be alone. If you honestly think that you can get what you need from your children you are using them to try and fulfill your adult needs that they shouldn't be filling! That is being selfish and putting too much pressure on them. Any healthy Person, Christian or not would know that!

4th, education. I said I wasn't sure if I'd rather go the medical school route or be a nurse with a masters. I yes, if I do go the medical school route, I know God will provide for us and get us through. I have a strong family support standing behind me and the children will always come first. I too have several friends who are doctors and I know it's not easy. But nothing is if it's worth working for and obtaining! Besides Isabella will be in preschool by that time and only in first or so by the time I am done with school. My son will just being going into Jr. High, and I never intend on missing anything now! What you don't know is I worked very hard with my school to make sure my classes now are only in the mornings when they are in school, I have not missed one thing this year and I go on their field trips and take them to all they have, which is a LOT! I am there to make them dinner and put them to bed. I make my son's lunch every morning and put my daughter on the bus and get her off! The only time I am not with them is when they themselves are not in school! They may come an evening where I am doing a lab but I always schedule it on days where they are free and have nothing going on, so that I don't miss it. I am still a full-time student, but my children are my priority. Try going to school and being a single parent to 2 children plus having a baby and them fitting her in too! I've already ok'd it with the school and teachers to bring Izzy to all my classes except labs, so that I can still nurse her. I also brought my other two to my classes last year when they didn't have school. They would color during lecture. And the teachers always welcomed them because family is important and most of them have kids of their own! As for medical school, I have already checked into it and there are schools that really work with single moms so that they may spend time with their children! I know single moms that have done it. If it's in God's will I will do it! He knows what is best for my family, not you, not anyone else. I know what it's like to get only 4 hours of sleep, I did it all last year! I know what I am getting myself into.

Yes, I do share what is going on and I have had several people tell me they too go through what I am going through. If you can't be transparent and real, then what's the point? Yes, I screwed up. I never pretended not to. I use to so afraid what others thought, but God has freed me from that. If I can be a witness to one person, then it's worth it. God uses the screwed up, broken and sinners. He said He'd rather use those who can relate with others than those who are "perfect or think they are!" If I am so selfish and screwed up, then let me ask you, why do so many strangers share their lives with me and ask for advice? I get that everywhere I go because I am not some fake person. If they ask me if I am married, I say no. So what, I had sex outside of marriage. I have asked God for forgiveness and He has. He said others will judge but have no right to, because they themselves are full of sin. It's not like I look for others to share their lives it just happens, whether I am in a grocery store or sitting reading a magazine waiting for my kids to get done with swimming or what have you! When I was younger God told me I would be a person that people will just trust and talk to. I don't know, maybe it's because I have time for others no matter how busy I am. That is why I am not always on time. If someone talks to me and wants to spill their lives, I will give them that time, because you have no idea what they are going through and to talk about things helps others get through. Their are a few people that I hear the same story over and over again. I just smile and listen and tell them I understand. There are so many lonely people, so many hurting people in this world and if you just take a minute to listen without judgment then you'll start to see that the world is a place where people need people. No I am not perfect, far from it. I try though, and I will never pretend to be someone I am not. If my life looks screwed up, then that's great because the world, the hurting, real people can relate. I may look, sound selfish but I don't write about every little thing. So judge if you want. Because in the end, God knows my heart. He knows what I've gone through! And God has saved me from several things and I should be dead. But He still has a purpose for me. He called me His child and has ordained me for a higher calling! If I make it through the birth, it's because God still has a bigger mission left for me! I still desire to go back to the missions field as a doctor or a nurse! I am not doing it for the money, but I want to help those who can't afford it. My heart is with the children and the lost. I am pregnant for a purpose because nothing happens by accident. I can take the ridicule. But my daughter is NOT a mistake! She is a blessing and will be a joy to us all! I didn't plan on her and was done. I had my son and daughter, but God too saw the bigger picture, and He knew for some reason I'd need her! That she too has a purpose here! I will be obedient to raise them in God, and someday we all will go on the mission field as a family. My children are my world! And regardless of things if a man can't see that or love them as I do even if he is not their real father, then he's not good enough for me or them! The man God has for me and them will love them as his own just as Christ loves us, the sinners, the imperfect and unjust, the people not deserving His love as His own children!

Well I am tired and am going to go play with my son since he is home for the day because the teachers have a meeting!

Hope this appeases your comments. I don't have to justify anything.

Though it makes me curious if you say your so real, why can't you just say who you are? Why fall under anonymous? Talk about fake. Something for you to think about before you write comments or letters or judge others. First be real with yourself.

Bri

Response to Anonymous

So, to answer the comment left by the "anonymous" person. First you have no right to say anything because you have no idea what I went through. There is a reason I am divorced. I don't have to share because those that really know me know why and even my pastor told me to get out.

As far as Ryan goes, he is out of my life. That's that. We haven't talked since I lost a lot of blood. He only cared that I didn't lose Izzy, or maybe he wanted me to? Yes, I am writing a book, I still am. just because we broke up doesn't mean I won't finish the story. And it's not all about sex. That's really shallow.

And I have a right to date before Izzy is 18. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! LOL! I don't need to justify that, and God does NOT expect us to go through life alone without someone to share it with and to raise the kids.

And lastly, to say to put school on the bottom and not worry about getting an education, obviously the person that wrote a comment doesn't value education. Also you need one to get anywhere now days. I have a right to finish mine so that I can give my children a good life and provide for them. So one can only think that this person is either uneducated or doesn't understand that raising 3 kids on your own is not any easy thing.

As far as my relationship with God, no one can judge that. I know who I am in Christ and that is all that matters. I know that God is there for us. I also do know that God has a special man just for me and the children! So to say forget it all, is absurd!

So, before you think or write something know you have no idea about what I've gone through or are going through. Yes, I was given a low chance of living, but God will work it out and if I am to pass, then it was God's will!

I must go!

Bri

30 Weeks! Gotta laugh!

So, 30 weeks! It's a miracle! I am so excited and relieved! It's so wonderful that Izzy has stayed in this long! Of course with medical intervention! But I am so thankful that Izzy is still in there! I don't care about the pain, because I want her to be healthy! I want her to not have to go to the NICU and I want to take her home with me, granted I get to go home! So I thank God for all the goodness He's given me. Sure things could be better, but they could also be way worse!

The funny thing is that I got an anonymous comment that was pretty rude. I just laughed because if they have to say things without identifying themselves they obviously don't have a clue of what is going on. So to answer the "anonymous" person, you have NO idea what's going on. Seriously. And no, no child NEEDS a dad that does not want them in the first place. A male plays a role in a child's life, to a degree. But when a father doesn't want his baby it's worse to try and make him have a relationship with them. I am NOT going to be with someone just because. The kids and I both deserve to be loved and wanted. I will NOT settle for anything less. It doesn't mean I don't love the father, but I know that I AM good enough for him. And it's his loss to walk away from all of us.

My life does NOT nor will it revolve around men. My kids, my family, God and my education are what matter. Someday God will bring me and them someone who will love us all and accept us as we are. And I will wait. I love my kids! They are what matter to me! I was so proud that Mike passed his swim class! He was so excited! We're still working on lil Lexi Not being afraid to jump to the instructors with no hands! She'll eventually do it in her own time!

So there are blessings despite it all! So if you seriously have rude comments think twice because it doesn't bother me, it makes me laugh! And honestly who are you to judge others anyhow? I'd say look at your own life before getting on a high horse! and if you seriously have the time to read what I write and don't like it, don't read it. That's all I have to say. I know God is my judge and the only one aloud to!

Anyhow, I am relieved to have made it to 30 weeks even if I do deliver tonight! And God will give me the strength to carry on and do it even if no one is there!

Smiling through it all!

Bri

Loving Life!

Hi all! So on to other things! Life has been a ton of fun with the kids lately. Despite everything, maybe it was good to be sent on bedrest, because I have had a ton of time with the kids lately!

Alexis is in ballet still and had an open class today! How much she's improved! It's adorable! She is also loving Preschool and is so smart!

Michael is loving Kindergarten and is in the excellerated Math and Science program.

Both of the kids are playing soccer and loving it! Alexis has the coach wrapped around her finger and had him holding her the first practice because she was "cold!" They also have swimming lessons because if they are around water, they need to know how to swim! That's a must! But they are totally loving it! I love spending all the extra time with them and putting them to bed! I can't wait for Izzy to come and join our family! The kids can't wait either! But as excited as we are I want her to wait a few more weeks at least! She needs a chance of surviving without lifetime complications!

I am not sure how I am going to make it with 3 kids and finish college but obviously God knows how I will do it all! I know I won't get any child support whatsoever for Isabella, so life for the first year or 2 will be extremely difficult and tight. But I am trusting God to get us all through! I've made it so far with 2 kids and no husband around to help out, so God will give me the strength to do it with 3. I will never see Izzy as a mistake or a burden! I love her just as much as the other 2. It doesn't matter that I wasn't married to her father or that we'll never be married. It doesn't matter any longer that he doesn't really want her, or want either of us in his life. As much as I'd like her to know her dad, I am NOT going to beg him any longer to be a dad to her. It's his choice to walk away. It truly is his loss. His loss for walking away from me (because he'll never find any other woman that will have loved him or will love him as I did), and his loss from walking away from his own daughter. I honestly can't understand how any man can just abandon his own daughter. I really can't. That's not a fatherly love. She has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve that, but I will not force it. Either it happens or it doesn't.

I know I am not given a high chance of making it through, and if I indeed still have to have a a c-section because she won't turn, and don't make it, she'll go to him. But if I do and she makes it as well, I just can't give my baby girl away! I am the one that has been there for her this whole time and loved her completely and have gone through all this. I wouldn't abort her no matter what and I can't give her away! So, yes, Isabella is a part of my family!

So for now though I have not really heard from him or even know if he'll be at her birth I am done worrying. I am going to enjoy life and just trust God!! Besides God knows what I need! He knows what the kids need and will only give me the best! So I have to trust Him, cuz the longer I try to do it on my own or my own way, the longer I will have to wait for God to bless me and give me the miracles I truly do need! I don't need this going back and forth and having a hope for something that won't happen.

So that's life now. I am smiling again, even through the pain and contractions and back labor! I wouldn't care if I go through this for even another 7 weeks or so just so Isabella can have a real chance! I want to take her home with me when I go home! I don't want her staying in the NICU with problems! I'll do whatever it tales to give her that chance!

For now though, I seriously have to go lie down cuz well, it's taken a few hours to write this through the contractions! LOL! I am exhausted! This is no 48 hour labor! LOL! It's weeks! Friday I get another ultrasound if I haven't had her and all stays at this pace. I also get checked to see if she has turned and how much more I am effaced and dilated!

So good night for now! Smile, Life could always be worse!

Love ya all!

Bri

I love Izzy!

So just thought I'd say, I love Isabella! And nothing, no one and no comments will tear my love from my daughter! It doesn't matter anymore what happens in the future. I can't worry about what will happen, because of the stress! So for now, I'm just trusting God.

Tired and Exhausted,

Bri

Something to laugh about

Hi! Short and sweet! Still pregnant! Still contracting. Still have no idea what to do w/Izzy! So that's that. This weekend was very, very emotional. But I love my baby girl! And regardless of the situation I'll always love her! And I know that God'll be there for us!

Oh and it's interesting to find out that some girls from an old church I went to are spreading around that I am pregnant. LOL! It's not like it's a secret because I am honest enough to tell whom they told. In fact I called the person right after I found out! I guess it goes to show that some people don't have lives so they still have to talk about people who haven't been around for over a year! LOL! I'm not too worried about it, because my real friends know and don't judge me. I just found it funny is all.

Laughing,

Bri

Life, Sometimes it just isn't fair!

Hi! So not to much excitement! Though the doc said I could have her tonight because of all the results. But I haven't heard from Ry since yesterday. I now know he will not be there. I don't even know if it's worth it to call him. I don't want any more disappointment.

So maybe this is totally shallow, but I am so tired of feeling like this. I hate this time, going through this completely alone. When you're pregnant, you're supposed to be able to share it, share all the ups, downs, joys and fears with the father of the baby. And yet, I'm completely alone in all of this while some other woman gets all that attention from the guy that got me pregnant. Sometimes I stare out the window and wonder why? 10 months ago, I was so vibrant, happy, I felt I could do anything, conquer the world if I wanted. I was fit, blonde and tan! I knew everyone and was a friend to everyone! That was my life! I had so many choices and life was absolutely amazing! My biggest worry was scoring over a 12 on the MCAT!

While I dreamed of marrying someday, I wasn't looking for it! I had a great time with all the guys and we were just friends. Then one night a man, Ryan came into my life. I didn't think too much of it but thought hey, another great friend! Very quickly he stole my heart! And my world was turned upside down. When he told me he loved me, my whole world actually stopped. Here was this amazing man and he was totally, completely in love with me! I honestly didn't think I'd love another man for a very long time! The world was mine for the taking! I got into the nursing program I wanted to get into at HPU. And Med School was just a finger's grasp away! He even convinced me to color my hair brown! I would've done anything for him. Then I got pregnant and he walked away shortly after. And suddenly I was left in a world, with a life I didn't plan for. HPU slipped through my fingers, as I knew I could not try to go to school on my own and raise the kids and a baby on my own. Med School was put on hold yet another semester as as I couldn't keep attending classes because I am supposed to put on extreme bed rest! GEEZ! Now I am left in a life with a hair color I don't want, and am now going to try and survive with 3 kids, if I keep her. Ryan thinks I should give her up for adoption now. I know I'll never get child support. So, when you look at me now, the woman that you use to see, the woman you use to know no longer exists. I'm not sure she ever will again. I so desperately want to go back to that carefree woman! And yes, I do want to raise my kids with the man of my dreams! But none of that will happen now. If you would've told me I'd be in this situation 10 months ago, I would've laughed and said not in a million years! If you ask me now would I redo any of it, I am not so sure that I could handle it all again a second time! I hate the hurt and heartbreak that happened time and again!

So you want transparent, there you have it. It would've been so much easier to walk away if I weren't sitting here almost 7 and a half months pregnant, having contractions that make your breath stop! So is this the ideal? No! I'd never recommend or want anyone to walk in my shoes! Because while I sit here wondering if I'll even make it through the birth and if I do what in the world happens next, he goes out partying and drinking and kissing other women! It's so frustrating.

Well I am going to go lie down. And perhaps someday I'll look back on this and laugh! Not now. Not even a year from now! The sad thing is he told me to go back to David, but that would never happen! I don't want that kind of life. I'd rather be single than live that life. I do know what I want and that isn't it.

I do want you all to know, I didn't not write this for anyone to feel bad, that is not my intention in the least. I just want people to be aware that life is far from perfect! There are people who live in a happy bubble and can't imagine it or say how in the world could that happen or even say well she had it coming to her, but those people that don't ever experience pain, hurt, and feel alone at one point or another, they are the ones that people should feel sorry for, because you can't live, you can't truly begin to understand people and where they are at, and the compassion is empty and calloused! If you've ever felt this way, then you do understand and you know that somehow life just has to somehow get better eventually, right?

So, I was thinking maybe I should start some kind of website or something for people going through pain in their lives. Perhaps single people who are raising kids and know exactly what it's like to feel this way and where to go from here? I don't know! Any ideas?

So, I stay here for now in a contracted state.

All I can say right now, is yes, I do need prayer! Prayer that God shows me a miracle in all of this.

Finally Excited!

On to an exciting note! Now that it's getting closer to Izzy being born, I am way more excited, despite the odds of me making it! I decided to use bumgenius cloth diapers for her (no disposables for this precious bundle of joy!) and just got the box of diapers I ordered! They are so cute and tiny! I've heard great things about them and my cousins Adam and Emily use them on their beautiful baby girl and told me about them and love them! A lot less leaky diapers and you save quite a bit over the long run! I also bought 5 receiving blankets to cut up for washcloths instead of using wipes. Of course it won't always work when I am in public and I'll have a a small pack of wipes, but for the most part, she deserves the best!

I also bought her a ton of cute baby clothes, but am still waiting on the major things such as swing, stroller, careseat, etc. We shall see though! Because she'll be 30 weeks next week, her chances of making it double! So, that makes me happy! Though you never do know. Some preemies die, while others thrive! Some full term babies even die! But I do know with her, she will thrive no matter when she comes because I already have a prophecy that she'll be a blessing and a joy and that she'll make it! I trust God for all things and a miracle for her being born healthy is no small matter! Especially when she is so small! But God will let her come in His timing. When He knows she is ready to finally join the world! The kids of course are stoked! My son has been praying that I have a baby since Nov. 05! LOL! He use to pray God bring us a baby! Well 2 years later, his prayers are answered. So, then I do think God's timing is definitely not ours! I was thinking I'd have one when I was married and we were happy. Well that's how it was supposed to be. That's how it started out as! But God saw it before I even met Ryan and decided it was he and I He'd bless with this baby girl! Don't ask me why considering all I've gone through with him, but God sees everything! Absolutely EVERYTHING!

So, for now despite all the odds that are stacked against Izzy and I, I am excited!

Happy for now,

Bri

Time for Change

Hi! I just got home from the docs. I am getting use to the progesterone shots, though they still sting for a while! Izzy's heartbeat is pretty high today though. it's close to the 200's, so I have to be careful. As of now, my doc. said she has more of comfort knowing she hasn't come yet and said the chances of her finally turing head down is still 50%, which means I can avoid the dreaded c-section! That was somewhat good news! If she waits in there until next week Fri, I will be having another untrasound to find out what she is doing in there. Though who knows as I keep effacing! Such is the pregant life with a high-risk pregnancy! The Dr. said it's most likely because of all the stress I've been undergoing that is causing all the preterm labor!

So, on to a different note. . . I have been considering the offer to HPU for their nursing program! It may just be what I need to have a fresh start. . . But we shall see. I got in for this past year, but due to being pregnant and the whole Ryan thing, I had to put it on hold. But I am tired of putting my life on hold. I think it may be good for the kids as well! I am really missing Hawaii these days, so we'll see.

A good friend of mine who lives in California said I should move down there and finish school. That's also a possibility. We have known each other for a while and it'd be a good change for me.

I am realizing that Ry is never going to come around, but I am think I am also realizing that may be OK. I know he's Izzy's dad, but if it is not him, I know God has someone who will be perfect for the children and I in His timing. It's just trusting God and coming to that place of contentment in Him that will get me through.

It's been extrememly difficult because I was doing really well spiritually when Ryan and I broke up in June. I didn't want to compromise my life any longer. Though I missed Ryan, I was finding my peace in God and just trusting Him for His will. Then Ry decided in the very beginning of August he really missed me and thus things began again. They turned into great times and we were always happy when we saw each other! Then at the very end of Sept. he again decided we couldn't make it work. I was so angry and frustrated how he comes and goes. I just want someone who is consistant! We talk every now but I unless God changes things it just won't happen. Which is a sad thing considering everything. Yes, I do still love him, but I have decided that it's best for the kids and I to just move on. I'm not sure what will happen with Isabella yet. But no matter what, I'll always love her!

So, as I sit here and ponder what God is about to do next, what He has to say (I am almost afraid) I also know that at some point things will come to be as He has spoken them! What I mean is that I have had prophecies over my life of what is to come. I can't see it ever happening, not in a million years, but lets see the same man who prophecied all the good stuff to come also prophecied the bad things that were to come and yes, they all came to past! So, one can only hope God had the good left now, right?

I have a STRONG desire and passion to go back into the mission field, at least for medical missions! Someday I want to do a crossroads with YWAM with my kids and someday husband if that is to be. But I am done being in this holding place in my life and am ready to live it again! I am ready to start walking in God's Word and Will again, completely. I know that means giving up the part of me that is so much in the world. But I think that with Ryan out of the picture, I know I can. He was my downfall when it came to temptation. He always was. So, now I only want God's will. Whatever that may be.

Well that's it for the randomness of subjects!

Time to go for now. So much to do, so little time to do it in.

Smiles for Now!

Bri

The results are in

Hi all! So here is what the newest news is. After talking to my doctor, and hearing all the results (yes they have to tell you everything even if they don't want to) my heart sank. I knew I was really low on blood and anemic, but I was somehow hoping that God would just fix things. I won't say by how much but I am given a very low chance of making through this birth. Even less if and when the c-section happens. So, Ryan will get what he wanted. He'll get his daughter. I don't know what to do. I love Izzy so much but I also know her daddy will be a good daddy to her. I know that she will need him. So do I give my baby girl to him? I suppose that may be an option. He will be able to care for her. Knowing that I most likely will not make it through surgery even if I get a transfusion, maybe I should give in and let him know he can have her? What can I do? What am I suppose to do?

Confused and Scared

What do I do?

So, as the day goes on, it becomes a realization that now that I told Ry that I would no longer contact him in any form, it is hard knowing that I am going to be having Isabella completely alone. I suppose that is how it is suppose to be? I know her birth will be a mix a joy and sadness. While I want to have her now and just get it over with, I want her to be healthy so I want her to wait for at least 5 or 6 more weeks. I guess God knows everything and what is going to happen. I guess He knows that I was going to be in this alone. I realize I will be raising her without a dad. It's not like my other 2. They get to see their father. But Ryan has decided that because of me, she is also not wanted or welcomed in his life. So anyhow, that's my realization. But Ryan has made it clear that he does not ever want to see me again.:(

How am I suppose to explain this to Izzy? How am I suppose to tell her her dad does not want her? How am I suppose to break my baby girl's heart?

Do I show her pictures of him or talk about him or completely leave him out of her life? I am so confused. I have no clue on what to do.

Still in Shock over it all,

Me

Realization

Hi! Well, I have officially made 29 weeks which is a really good thing! The longer she stays in the better for her! The contractions finally ceased for the time being, thank God.

As for everything else, well I realized last night it's over. Oh so very over. Not sure what hit me or even why. But I realized that I most likely will never, see, or hear from Ryan again. I truly don't expect him to show up at the birth, and only if I don't make it will he ever see his daughter. He's made the decision that I am not welcome in any part of his life. If I keep Izzy, she too is not welcome in his life. I suppose I will never quite understand how we could be good one minute and the next he never wants to see me again. What can I say. I am really hurt because he is friends with all the other girls he's dated and his exes. But because I am carrying his baby girl I am not allowed to be in it in any way.

So anyhow, I guess that's life. That's what God's decided to give me.

So, I will be having Isabella alone. I am coming to terms of that. Because of my sin and having sex outside of marriage, this is my punishment. That I will never get the man of my dreams and I am to go through this completely alone. I am not sure I will want anyone in the room any longer.


I woke up with tears in my eyes this morning. I think because I realized that last night I texted him and said if he wants to know about Izzy he'll have to ask. I realized that I will never hear from him again and that he'll never ask. He'll move on and date several other women and Izzy and I will be forgotten. To him we won't even be a memory. So, now it's time to put all the pictures of him and his daughter on a CD and put it away in a box for storage. I want no memories around the house because I will always miss him and not move on. I want to move on! I need to. I don't mean date another man, I just mean I can't do this any longer. I can't ask to be friends with a guy who doesn't care about me and that constantly hurts me.

So anyhow, I hope Izzy does wait until Christmas until she is born. Because while he won't be around, she'll bring me joy when I really will need it.

I must go for now.

A Close Call for Birth

Hi all! Last night was not a fun night! I went into active labor. I was contracting every minute to 4 minutes and they were lasting up to 90 or so seconds. After doing this for over an hour and a half my OB said to come into the hospital because they didn't want me having Isabella at home. After trying to get a hold of Ryan (which never happened) they decided to postpone it. They said there were too many complications at this point for baby izzy to be born. (I also did not want to do this without him regardless of things.) But I suppose if there is another repeat of last night and my water breaks he will not be there for the birth of his daughter. I have to be honest and say I will be very angry if he doesn't show up, and I am not sure I'll be able to forgive him for that. I told him I don't want any excuses as to why he's not there. Regardless that we are no longer together, this is his daughter! So, I was given 4 shots to hold Izzy in and stop contractions.

Because I am going natural until I have to have the c-section, I was in a lot of pain, but if I knew that I had him there to support me I could make it happen! Well that was my exciting night. I am exhausted with no sleep and the medicine wore off so the contractions are back! Sigh. . . Every day she stays in though is a better chance of survival for her. I was told last night because of things her chances are only 50-60%. That really scared me. So, I am praying Izzy stays put for now! I don't know if I could handle it if she died or something awful happened to her. Tomorrow she'll be 29 weeks. They want me to make it to at least 30 now because of the risks. But here's the sad things. If Ryan has his other daughter on the week that Izzy is born, he'll not only miss it, but he won't even see her for over a week. So, I pretty much have to try and keep her in every other week. But unfortunately nature plays a different tune and she'll come regardless. So I have to plan on having her alone. Even when he doesn't have her, he may not show, like last night. : ( I tried for over 6 hours to get a hold of him. I told him at 10 I was going in and I gave up trying to get a hold of him at 4. So much for be reliable. : ( That's all I am writing for now.

Scared and Alone,

Bri

Things just may be OK

Hi! So, I things are going OK. I am of course back to contracting, but I am now on some pain meds for everything including the fall and concussion. But for some reason I am starting to believe everything is OK. No I did not work things out with Ry, and that won't happen but maybe I can get through all this. I still want to finish school! I guess i will have to trust God, cuz well there's nothing else I can do.

I am tired now. So good night.

Real Fear

Hi! So I am at 28 and 4 today so that is a good news. The contractions just stopped this morning so maybe all the drug treatments are working, finally.

So, here's the 4-1-1. Yesterday I went in to be monitored and had another non-stress contraction test. I was so tired I slept through it. But after I was given the shots and pills to stop labor. Sigh. My butt is so sore!

I was also well informed that after they tried to turn Isabella and she immediately turned back around to Breach that I was going to have to have a c-section and there is nothing I can say. I of course am terrified of this. It's not that I don't trust the doctors, but I am afraid of the whole thing and getting spinal headaches the rest of my life. Ryan said he'd try to be there for that and that is it. I can't hold my breath though. Because I am under 30 weeks we can't officially "schedule" the surgery because the hospitals won't because that could result in malpractice if done before then, but they still prepared me for the whole thing. It will go in the books as an emergency. But once I dilate to the point where Izzy's feet can slide through, they will take her. Apparently I am very "soft" and almost fully efaced now so it's a matter of time. I really don't want to have her until 30+ weeks so I have to try to keep her in for 2 more weeks. I just want to give her a better chance of surviving without the problems.

So, here's what I am afraid of. I am afraid to buy anything at all for her. I mean not even the cloth diapers that I will be using or the carseat. I am afraid that if I do, things may not go well, and I'll loose her. I am not sure if anyone has ever had this fear and perhaps I shouldn't since she is 28 and 1/2 weeks and most likely will survive, but what if she doesn't? Many people tell me to buy everything and keep the pricetags on everything so I can return it if that is the case. I think that would just kill me though to have to return everything if she passed and I didn't. I do love Isabella completely. She is already my daughter even though she may have complications. The moment I conceived her, she was my precious baby. So I am afraid to buy things because I just have a feeling that something will happen if I do. I wonder if there is a reason I am suddenly afraid something will happen? Perhaps it's because I was told there are more problems for c-section babies. If she is born sooner, she'll be in the NICU for at least a month or longer so I will have time to get it all. I guess I am so lost and confused as to what to do, because Ryan hasn't been any help at all.

He has decided he'll either get her 100% custody and I will never be able to see her or nothing at all still. That makes me sad that he'd turn his back on his own daughter.

Well, so those are the fears I am dealing with.

Well, I am still really dizzy so I am going to lay down.

Good News, Bad News

OK, first the good news. I made it to 28 weeks! So, Izzy has a better chance of survival with less problems. It does not mean she is out of the water.

So, the bad news. I had to have a x-ray, I may explain later why, and it showed Isabella breach! Yes, she loves to be upright and she is very stubborn. Because I went into labor again, The doctor said that they will try to hold her off as long as possible and then we'll do an emergency c-section because she won't turn. HMMM!

As of now Ryan is back to being himself. Meaning he wants 100% full custody, and I will never get to see my daughter again or nothing, meaning he will walk away and not be in her life in any way. Geez! He said she'll find him when she's ready to. Such is life.

So, good news, bad news. Yes I am terrified to have a c-section! I do NOT want a spinal tap. I've heard horror stories. So, there are a whole new set of problems. Ryan said he'd try to be there for the birth but we'll see.