Hi. I guess one doesn't really understand what happens or what or when things went wrong until the relationship is over. And sometimes they never really do. Take me for example. I never understood what happened. How could Ryan go from loving me and our child to leaving us. Then the realization hit me. I had told him that I loved him on Easter and 2 minutes later he's texting his ex to wish her a happy easter. What the hell! The things we realize later. He told me that night he still loved me. So why would he be cheating on me. He said that talking with her was not so. But then as I sat here and thought he was having an emotional affair with her is a sense. Here we are getting married and he announced it to all his family and friends and he was doing this. God brings to light what is done in the darkness. I didn't understand that for 2 more days he'd tell me how much he loves me and then out of the blue tell me he can't love me anymore. I wanted to stay friends for the baby's sake and I loved him so very dearly. I mean I thought we were getting married!
So we remained friends. He was my best friend, and we did things together. He was again telling me I was beautiful and inviting me to do things. I didn't understand the whole thing. But I loved him so I went with it. And to think now I blew off the chance to kiss the one man I had wanted to, yet my heart was with Ryan! Then we saw the baby's heartbeat and he had tears of joy in his eyes. He them realized he wanted to work things out. He became the man I knew and loved again! We did everything together and he'd always call or text just to see how I was! It was amazing and I was so happy! The happiest I'd been in a very long time! When I told him he gave me butterflies he said I did that to him to! When I told him how very happy I was he said he was so happy too! Life was great! We were together again and I "knew" things were going to be great! We did go to Vegas together and had a great time! He even had said he didn't want to marry there because he wanted to do it with me the right way. I was fine with that, because I "knew" he was telling the truth. Or so I thought.
When we got home, I soon found out he was in contact with this ex girlfriend again! My heart again shattered. He said it was over completely between us! That we couldn't even be friends. He wanted nothing to do with his child either. I was astounded! How could we go from being so happy and loving to this with just one woman? I cried for days. i missed him for weeks. I still loved him with everything within me. I didn't understand all of it! Was it all just lies from him? For the first time, I felt completely alone in everything. I hated that woman! She ruined our relationship and our lives. She took him away from my kids! And I hoped she'd burn in hell! I was so angry. But I slowly let it all go. I can't make him love me. I can't make him NOT cheat on me. Though it made me realize that this was a repeat of my exes in the past, yet this is the first time I cared.
This past week I became OK with being without Ryan forever and raising his child on my own. But then I got a weird call just a few moments ago that brought back the flood of memories. I still have no idea who it is but they had told me that they saw Ryan's old phone and told me the texts that was sent to and from her. They told me the number and her name. It was indeed her. They told me that they just wanted to let me know because I deserved better than that and that Ryan was too confused. They apparently know him well, because they told me things he and I had done that only he and I knew about. They told me that at one time he truly did love me and want to marry me. I sat here speechless and in complete silence after I answered the phone. The tears once again fell from my eyes. My vision became so blurry until I couldn't even to see to hang up the phone after that person did. The man's last words were that someday Ryan would realize it and he will regret not choosing to love me and his child and work things out. But he said that it'd be too late. I did ask who he was and he said a very old friend of Ryan's. He even knew who Ryan was going to have standing in our wedding for him. Who would know this. I tried to recognize the voice of the man from the many friends of his that I met. I couldn't quite place it. He would not tell me. Before he hung up, I asked him why he was calling me to tell me this. He said because I needed to know. And that I needed to know that at one time Ryan did love me and I was his world! That he'd never seen him as happy as he was when he was with me. Then he said goodbye and good luck with the baby and everything. So, I sat sobbing, wondering who this man was. Who is he? Why on earth when I have finally given Ryan over to God so that I can be free would this happen? It made me love and miss him all over again and yet realize that it didn't matter how happy and how much Ryan loved me. Until he got his life straightened out and figured out his own life, he'd never truly be free to love me and his child. This baby I carry that moves inside of me! I weep because I know that heartache and pain it's own daddy will cause it! I know what rejection is like. I love this child so much and I just can't bear to see it get hurt the way Ryan has hurt me and the other children! So, why God? I question Him now. Why must this man have called, when I was doing great? Why did this man call almost 2 months later to bring back the pain. He thought that I would be happy that Ryan loved me I am guessing, but it brings all that much more pain.
So, yeah, I do want to get on with life, and just forget this whole thing. But unfortunately it seems that it will be around for quite some time to haunt me! I will eventually forget Ryan and all the pain. I asked God to take all the pain he's caused me and the children in the past, so that I can love again!
But for this moment. For this brief lapse in time, I sit here and weep! I weep over all the beauty we had together and all that he let go of and wasted. He may never realize what he threw away. He may never really care one ounce for his child I carry. But whatever the future holds, it's now in God's hands.
Crying tears of bitterness,
Bri
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Natural and the story of Birth
Hi! As I was sitting here wondering what I wanted to do during this birth (women start to think about that at some point), I realized I wanted to try and give birth to this baby naturally! Don't ask me why this is so! I gave birth to my first, my son naturally and it was so painful and the birth from hell! They had to break my water 3 times! It kept resealing! I never wanted another after because of the pain and sheer horror I went through. I had back labor something terrible! With my second, my daughter, I had a walking epidural. However it didn't go into effect until right after she was born. She was born almost immediately. Though my water broke at home and we by the time I got to the hospital the contractions were strong and only 3 minutes apart! I remember that night very clearly.
I was in the hospital since Thanksgiving day, when she decided to come again and the contractions came on strong. With it being 8 weeks early, the doctors said NO way! They gave me something to stop it. The did a non stress test and realized that Alexis was going to come, it was a matter of time. She wanted out! But then I was only dilated to a 6 and for 2 days nothing changed. The contractions came and went, so they finally sent me home! I begged to stay saying she was coming soon! So, we went home. I put my little 2 year old in his bed and went to bed. I never slept. I lay there quietly for 2 hours and looked at the clock. At 11:30PM I felt a funny feeling like I had to go the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and my bag of waters broke. No, that is an understatement. They ruptured. I was so calm. I told my mom and Brett. And so they flew to the car in a panic. I calmly walked down the stairs and as I was walking down the stairs, The contractions came on suddenly and strong. I gently woke my son up and carried him up the stairs. I grabbed my bag and his overnight bad and headed to the car for the waiting scared people! LOL! I put my son in his carseat and my mom buckled him. Then I got in and we raced to my dad's to drop off Mike. Then we headed to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital the put me in an ER bed. The doc. came in and checked me and said oh it'll be at least 2 hours. What little ER doctors know about labor! I screamed at him to call the L&D ward! A 1/2 hour later they brought me up and I begged for an epidural. This was very painful and I had no break or rest between the minute contractions. So they came. As soon as I came I remember saying I feel fire! It burns, it burns. But I remembered that is called the ring of fire! It is when the baby is crowning! So, they said to push! I only pushed 3 times and out she came! I was so relieved and then I felt the pain meds kick in! LOL! They put her on my chest and I remember asking why she wasn't breathing. MY God, my baby is dead! They swept her away and got the crash cart. I am not sure what happened in those next 3 minutes, it was all a blur. I vaguely remember the placenta coming out. All I could think of was my baby is dead. I cried and cried. My only daughter. . . A male nurse came back in and said that he was sorry. I turned over and sobbed. Don't be sorry, I thought! You can't be. Then he said they took her to the level 2 ICU. They didn't have a level 3, otherwise she would've gone. He left me to face the doctor. She explained that Alexis' lungs were too young and she couldn't breath on her own. She explained that she had no sucking ability and that she was going to remain there until she got better, but she was NOT dead. I was so relieved. She told me to be patient as she was born very early. I could not see her. They told me I could not see her for 24 hours. It was torture. All I wanted to do was sleep. But other than that I was in little pain. What does a mother do when she is told she can't see her own baby?
The next day came and they took me to her. I saw her hooked up to what seemed like a hundred machines. My God! I started to cry and asked if I could hold her, but I could not. I could only touch her hand after I washed 3 times! I could not kiss her or feel my baby. The nurses could of course. I begged to hold her. So they said that night I could if she was doing better. I watched them bathe her though and she was so beautiful! I came back that night and I finally got to hold her until the machines went off. She started to choke! I whispered to her that she had to make it that she was my little princess. I was instructed to leave immediately. She was in the level 3 for 3 to 4 days. It was all a blur. Then one day, I walked in to try and feed her again, and she was not there. So I asked the nurses there, and they couldn't find her. They were all new. A new shift, I guessed. But I started to panic. Where was my baby? So, one of the nurses called the level one unit and she was transferred. I found out that was a good thing. She was no longer in serious danger, but she was still too sick to go home. I spent hours there. I spent the night there. I even spent days there. I would go home inbetween feedings to see my son. Sometimes I brought him. He kept himself occupied by finding the water fountain, which was a new feat to him! Once in a while the nurses would give him cups that they usually put breast milk to stack. I would get frustrated watching babies come and leave. Their parents would never come to visit and they just came and took their babies away. I watched Alexis have to go into the Jaundice warmer and she could only be out for 30 minutes max. At that time, I wanted to breastfeed, so it got frustrating, as she wasn't getting it still. I had to go through a bunch of sessions with the lactation nurse. She said give it time. They eventually told me she could go home the next morning and every morning I came in they said no, not this morning! She had a setback and failed at a test the night before. Then the day came and she was ready to leave. It was such a happy day! I was finally taking my daughter home a few days before Christmas! We were instructed to let NO one near her or to let anyone hold her.
So, that is the story of Alexis!
And yet I am still thrilled to be having another one! I honestly never thought it'd be possible! I have actually started contractions already. They come and go but they are strong! Not this again, I was thinking last week! But I'd lay there at night not be able to move and just breath through them until they'd fade.
This has caused concern as I am only 19 weeks! They said I have to wait until 20 weeks before they can have any chance of saving the baby. I have not told Ryan, because there is no need to worry him. I honestly don't even know if he'll be there for the birth. As much as I want him to be so that at least he can see his own child born and so that I can tell his child it's daddy was there! But, alas, I want to try it natural again. I don't know why, but I have a feeling. I will be completely alone in this as Ryan's decided not to be a part of that, but alone or not, this is my feelings. I may change them in the heat of the pain, but whatever happens, God will be there. They said I have a HUGE potential to have this one way earlier than Alexis, as it is my 3rd and each of my children come earlier than the one before it, but it'll all work out. If I can carry it to at least 32 weeks it has a better chance of surviving!
So, if any of you woman have had a natural birth and have any suggestions, please tell me! As the first one, though natural, I was bed-ridden, so the pain was worse. Though it's my 3rd, I feel like I am doing this all for the first time again because my youngest will be 4! HMMM! I am am a little scared, a little excited and well a little overwhelmed to be doing this alone and without Ryan.
I just pray for God's comfort and peace and when it is time, it'll happen! Ideally I'd like to have it Christmas Eve Morn. But time will tell. Especially in this! LOL!
I was in the hospital since Thanksgiving day, when she decided to come again and the contractions came on strong. With it being 8 weeks early, the doctors said NO way! They gave me something to stop it. The did a non stress test and realized that Alexis was going to come, it was a matter of time. She wanted out! But then I was only dilated to a 6 and for 2 days nothing changed. The contractions came and went, so they finally sent me home! I begged to stay saying she was coming soon! So, we went home. I put my little 2 year old in his bed and went to bed. I never slept. I lay there quietly for 2 hours and looked at the clock. At 11:30PM I felt a funny feeling like I had to go the bathroom. I walked to the bathroom and my bag of waters broke. No, that is an understatement. They ruptured. I was so calm. I told my mom and Brett. And so they flew to the car in a panic. I calmly walked down the stairs and as I was walking down the stairs, The contractions came on suddenly and strong. I gently woke my son up and carried him up the stairs. I grabbed my bag and his overnight bad and headed to the car for the waiting scared people! LOL! I put my son in his carseat and my mom buckled him. Then I got in and we raced to my dad's to drop off Mike. Then we headed to the hospital.
When we got to the hospital the put me in an ER bed. The doc. came in and checked me and said oh it'll be at least 2 hours. What little ER doctors know about labor! I screamed at him to call the L&D ward! A 1/2 hour later they brought me up and I begged for an epidural. This was very painful and I had no break or rest between the minute contractions. So they came. As soon as I came I remember saying I feel fire! It burns, it burns. But I remembered that is called the ring of fire! It is when the baby is crowning! So, they said to push! I only pushed 3 times and out she came! I was so relieved and then I felt the pain meds kick in! LOL! They put her on my chest and I remember asking why she wasn't breathing. MY God, my baby is dead! They swept her away and got the crash cart. I am not sure what happened in those next 3 minutes, it was all a blur. I vaguely remember the placenta coming out. All I could think of was my baby is dead. I cried and cried. My only daughter. . . A male nurse came back in and said that he was sorry. I turned over and sobbed. Don't be sorry, I thought! You can't be. Then he said they took her to the level 2 ICU. They didn't have a level 3, otherwise she would've gone. He left me to face the doctor. She explained that Alexis' lungs were too young and she couldn't breath on her own. She explained that she had no sucking ability and that she was going to remain there until she got better, but she was NOT dead. I was so relieved. She told me to be patient as she was born very early. I could not see her. They told me I could not see her for 24 hours. It was torture. All I wanted to do was sleep. But other than that I was in little pain. What does a mother do when she is told she can't see her own baby?
The next day came and they took me to her. I saw her hooked up to what seemed like a hundred machines. My God! I started to cry and asked if I could hold her, but I could not. I could only touch her hand after I washed 3 times! I could not kiss her or feel my baby. The nurses could of course. I begged to hold her. So they said that night I could if she was doing better. I watched them bathe her though and she was so beautiful! I came back that night and I finally got to hold her until the machines went off. She started to choke! I whispered to her that she had to make it that she was my little princess. I was instructed to leave immediately. She was in the level 3 for 3 to 4 days. It was all a blur. Then one day, I walked in to try and feed her again, and she was not there. So I asked the nurses there, and they couldn't find her. They were all new. A new shift, I guessed. But I started to panic. Where was my baby? So, one of the nurses called the level one unit and she was transferred. I found out that was a good thing. She was no longer in serious danger, but she was still too sick to go home. I spent hours there. I spent the night there. I even spent days there. I would go home inbetween feedings to see my son. Sometimes I brought him. He kept himself occupied by finding the water fountain, which was a new feat to him! Once in a while the nurses would give him cups that they usually put breast milk to stack. I would get frustrated watching babies come and leave. Their parents would never come to visit and they just came and took their babies away. I watched Alexis have to go into the Jaundice warmer and she could only be out for 30 minutes max. At that time, I wanted to breastfeed, so it got frustrating, as she wasn't getting it still. I had to go through a bunch of sessions with the lactation nurse. She said give it time. They eventually told me she could go home the next morning and every morning I came in they said no, not this morning! She had a setback and failed at a test the night before. Then the day came and she was ready to leave. It was such a happy day! I was finally taking my daughter home a few days before Christmas! We were instructed to let NO one near her or to let anyone hold her.
So, that is the story of Alexis!
And yet I am still thrilled to be having another one! I honestly never thought it'd be possible! I have actually started contractions already. They come and go but they are strong! Not this again, I was thinking last week! But I'd lay there at night not be able to move and just breath through them until they'd fade.
This has caused concern as I am only 19 weeks! They said I have to wait until 20 weeks before they can have any chance of saving the baby. I have not told Ryan, because there is no need to worry him. I honestly don't even know if he'll be there for the birth. As much as I want him to be so that at least he can see his own child born and so that I can tell his child it's daddy was there! But, alas, I want to try it natural again. I don't know why, but I have a feeling. I will be completely alone in this as Ryan's decided not to be a part of that, but alone or not, this is my feelings. I may change them in the heat of the pain, but whatever happens, God will be there. They said I have a HUGE potential to have this one way earlier than Alexis, as it is my 3rd and each of my children come earlier than the one before it, but it'll all work out. If I can carry it to at least 32 weeks it has a better chance of surviving!
So, if any of you woman have had a natural birth and have any suggestions, please tell me! As the first one, though natural, I was bed-ridden, so the pain was worse. Though it's my 3rd, I feel like I am doing this all for the first time again because my youngest will be 4! HMMM! I am am a little scared, a little excited and well a little overwhelmed to be doing this alone and without Ryan.
I just pray for God's comfort and peace and when it is time, it'll happen! Ideally I'd like to have it Christmas Eve Morn. But time will tell. Especially in this! LOL!
Not my will, but God's!
Good Morning! It's been a while since I've written. There really isn't much going on. Yesterday however, God said to me, Just wait. Don't look into the future, take one day at a time. So, later He said I will reveal all in perfect timing and you will come to see why you went through what you did. That He is using my life and all that I've gone through and what I am going through as a witness. He also said that He will give me a man that is perfect for me and one that will love me regardless of having 3 children and that he will love the children as his own. Some think it may be David. Ironic, because he called last night at 4Am as I was coming home. We were talking and I was talking about the kids as they truly are the loves of my life and I was telling him how excited I was to have this baby! And I said if it's a boy, I'll have to have him circumcised on the day that God says to so he'll feel the least amount of pain. He said he didn't remember so I said he should really read his Bible more! LOL! He said he didn't know what it was like and then I was talking about how when a child gets there blood drawn or shots and the parents have to hold them down it was horrible for the parents and I always felt like with them. I said he will experience that when he had a child and he quickly said "when we have a child." I said woah! I am already having one, just wait a bit! That kinda scared me! I just started to date him, and it's not even that serious because I have gone out with a few other guys besides him. I am NOT committing to anyone right now! For goodness sakes, I am pregnant, and my hormones will change once I have this child! I just got out of a serious relationship, and I loved him, so I am not looking to get serious again any time soon. Besides he'd just be a rebound.
So, then I realized or maybe God brought it to my thoughts, but when I met Ryan, there were several men pursuing me at that time. I ended up choosing Ryan. I told the other men I wasn't interested. Then I fell in love and the guys that I use to like became nothing to me. So, with that revelation I also realized that since we've broken up, I've had several men pursue me again. I am very choosy though. LOL! But seriously. I realized that even though I am pregnant, doesn't mean my life is over. Ryan chose to walk away. My folks think he was more scared that I didn't have a degree to have some kind of job to help support us. That he was too afraid to support the kids and I and so started pulling away and made excuses. But regardless, for whatever reason, he did. And now I look back and think would I really want to be married to a man that has no idea what he wants? When I get married again, I don't want another divorce. I want to be married for life, so I want to know that we both are happy in love. It doesn't work when one person does 99% of the work and love. I wouldn't have wanted to marry Ryan unless he truly loves me and that means he has to realize he doesn't love ANY other woman. I am NOT going to be a woman he or any one settles for! Geez! I have men who do want to spend time with me. So, I move on. I play with and take care of my children and really love life! I love being with the men who really appreciate being with me! So, with this said, Those are my thoughts.
Maybe someday, things will make sense. God told me to be very specific when I pray for what I want and He will give me the desires of my heart! Now that I realized I don't want anything out of His will men included, He is now ready to start blessing me! But let me tell you, it took a lot of struggling, arguing and being angry with God for taking things and those I love away. I told God I was done with it all! I let Him know how mad I was. And as I lay in my bed quietly, God quietly but firmly said, "Brianne, my daughter, you have done everything you want, and you have walked in your will and in your ways. Life hasn't worked out, because that is not what is good for you. I have something SO much better for you! When you are ready to walk in My will and only want what I have for you, I will give you something so much better than what you could ever dream of! Brianne, I could give you Ryan or the other men you have prayed for in the past if you really want them, but if you submit to me you will realize that what I have, is so much better! Trust in Me and walk with Me and you will see what it's like to live with joy and fullness once again! This child I have given to you is NOT a mistake, it will be a blessing and bring life to all! Take care of the gifts I have given to you. They need to know you love them, and so you do! Don't ever get too busy to love them! In time I will reveal what it is I have called you to do and your career will be successful! I love you, my child." So, I am done asking God for what I want. Because I want the real blessing. If He chooses to give me Ryan back, then that will be in His will, because I will no longer ask. As much as I love him, God does have someone that I will love perfectly and completely and they will love me and the children in the same way! I will be glad that I waited on God.
So I think, Why not? Why not wait and see what it's like to walk in God's way and let Him give me what He has for me? Why not wait for His blessing!
Yes, I am excited to have this baby! I am excited to find out the sex! And though I use to want a boy because I know Ryan would really want one, it no longer matters!! God will give me what He knows is best for all of us! Either way, I will always cherish my kids and anyone who can't accept them is NOT good enough for me or them! So for now, I have to go. I have such a peace about things for once though! And I know it'll all work out. It may take years, but in time, God's time I'll understand it all!
So, then I realized or maybe God brought it to my thoughts, but when I met Ryan, there were several men pursuing me at that time. I ended up choosing Ryan. I told the other men I wasn't interested. Then I fell in love and the guys that I use to like became nothing to me. So, with that revelation I also realized that since we've broken up, I've had several men pursue me again. I am very choosy though. LOL! But seriously. I realized that even though I am pregnant, doesn't mean my life is over. Ryan chose to walk away. My folks think he was more scared that I didn't have a degree to have some kind of job to help support us. That he was too afraid to support the kids and I and so started pulling away and made excuses. But regardless, for whatever reason, he did. And now I look back and think would I really want to be married to a man that has no idea what he wants? When I get married again, I don't want another divorce. I want to be married for life, so I want to know that we both are happy in love. It doesn't work when one person does 99% of the work and love. I wouldn't have wanted to marry Ryan unless he truly loves me and that means he has to realize he doesn't love ANY other woman. I am NOT going to be a woman he or any one settles for! Geez! I have men who do want to spend time with me. So, I move on. I play with and take care of my children and really love life! I love being with the men who really appreciate being with me! So, with this said, Those are my thoughts.
Maybe someday, things will make sense. God told me to be very specific when I pray for what I want and He will give me the desires of my heart! Now that I realized I don't want anything out of His will men included, He is now ready to start blessing me! But let me tell you, it took a lot of struggling, arguing and being angry with God for taking things and those I love away. I told God I was done with it all! I let Him know how mad I was. And as I lay in my bed quietly, God quietly but firmly said, "Brianne, my daughter, you have done everything you want, and you have walked in your will and in your ways. Life hasn't worked out, because that is not what is good for you. I have something SO much better for you! When you are ready to walk in My will and only want what I have for you, I will give you something so much better than what you could ever dream of! Brianne, I could give you Ryan or the other men you have prayed for in the past if you really want them, but if you submit to me you will realize that what I have, is so much better! Trust in Me and walk with Me and you will see what it's like to live with joy and fullness once again! This child I have given to you is NOT a mistake, it will be a blessing and bring life to all! Take care of the gifts I have given to you. They need to know you love them, and so you do! Don't ever get too busy to love them! In time I will reveal what it is I have called you to do and your career will be successful! I love you, my child." So, I am done asking God for what I want. Because I want the real blessing. If He chooses to give me Ryan back, then that will be in His will, because I will no longer ask. As much as I love him, God does have someone that I will love perfectly and completely and they will love me and the children in the same way! I will be glad that I waited on God.
So I think, Why not? Why not wait and see what it's like to walk in God's way and let Him give me what He has for me? Why not wait for His blessing!
Yes, I am excited to have this baby! I am excited to find out the sex! And though I use to want a boy because I know Ryan would really want one, it no longer matters!! God will give me what He knows is best for all of us! Either way, I will always cherish my kids and anyone who can't accept them is NOT good enough for me or them! So for now, I have to go. I have such a peace about things for once though! And I know it'll all work out. It may take years, but in time, God's time I'll understand it all!
Thursday, July 26, 2007
I'm sorry
Hi! As I was doing my devotions tonight and I asked God to show me any area of my heart were I had sinned. He gently told me that I had not spoken good of Ryan in a sense. I fell on my face and repented and asked God for His forgiveness because as much as Ryan has hurt me and the children He is still God's child and deserves to be treated with love and compassion no matter the fault or offense. God reminded me to be filled with His love. So, I am working on that as hard as it is. It is hard when you are suffering and paying for loving someone unconditionally and yet God has told me to continue to love Ryan as He loves him. HMMM. . .
So, to all of you, I want to publicly apologize for saying anything bad about Ryan. If I have said anything to defame him or slander him or his name in any way, I want to say that I really am sorry and hope you will forgive me.
It's definitely not easy to apologize for things, let alone for not speaking the best of terms about someone who has so deeply hurt and wronged me. Yet, no matter what has happened, he deserves to maintain his reputation and dignity. So for that, if I in any way have torn that down or dishonored him in public, I can only ask for forgiveness. He is the father of my child and regardless, I must always honor him and not let him loose face in public. I must defend him and his name because that is what a godly woman would do. Regardless that I am not his wife, I will still honor him and defend him. After all I do with my family and friends when I talk to them, so I why dishonor him in any other way? I truly am trying to live my life as Christ has called me to live so from now on I will try to only say good things about him. And regardless of what happens and regardless if he chooses not to love this child of his and not be a part of it's life, he is still the best father to his littler girl. He is very loving, caring and I would never have chosen a better father for my child. Because I know how much he cares and loves his children and how very devoted he is. So, again, I am sorry and want to apologize to all!
From my heart,
Bri
So, to all of you, I want to publicly apologize for saying anything bad about Ryan. If I have said anything to defame him or slander him or his name in any way, I want to say that I really am sorry and hope you will forgive me.
It's definitely not easy to apologize for things, let alone for not speaking the best of terms about someone who has so deeply hurt and wronged me. Yet, no matter what has happened, he deserves to maintain his reputation and dignity. So for that, if I in any way have torn that down or dishonored him in public, I can only ask for forgiveness. He is the father of my child and regardless, I must always honor him and not let him loose face in public. I must defend him and his name because that is what a godly woman would do. Regardless that I am not his wife, I will still honor him and defend him. After all I do with my family and friends when I talk to them, so I why dishonor him in any other way? I truly am trying to live my life as Christ has called me to live so from now on I will try to only say good things about him. And regardless of what happens and regardless if he chooses not to love this child of his and not be a part of it's life, he is still the best father to his littler girl. He is very loving, caring and I would never have chosen a better father for my child. Because I know how much he cares and loves his children and how very devoted he is. So, again, I am sorry and want to apologize to all!
From my heart,
Bri
2 Men, love and God!
Good morning to all! So, last night when David called he knew there was a different tone to my voice. Maybe it's because I was going to tell him I'm pregnant. I had when we first talked, but it hadn't really sunk in, I think.
So, he wanted to know what was up. So I told him I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. I told him I understood if he didn't want to talk any longer. Most guys totally avoid me once they find out. So, he asked questions like is Ryan involved, etc. I told him there was a time Ryan wanted to make things work for the baby, but left us anyhow. That he said he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. David was furious. He said that he was an immature man who needed to wake up and realize he was really going to hurt his own child. That his selfish actions will not only hurt my kids and I, but his own child will feel abandoned. I kind of already knew this. I told David that adoption wasn't an option when he suggested it. So, he asked if Ryan would come around. I told him I seriously doubted it. I said I hoped so for the child's sake, that he even went to every appointment in the beginning, but now he's been completely absent. I do hope he comes around, because he'll really miss out on his child's life but I also told David Ryan got scared, is afraid of commitment, and was too afraid to really let the kids and I love him. He even told my mom, he's never had someone love him so deeply and completely the way I did. He couldn't understand it. So, my mom said it was because I loved him with God's love.
So, then David asked if I had anything bad to say about him, and I told him absolutely not. That this is life and Ryan chose a different life. That I will not say anything bad about the father of my child. And I hate talking bad about others even when they break my heart. I mean when Jonathan did it a few years back I never said a bad thing about him and to this day I think he's an amazing man. So, David finally accepted things and the fact that Ryan is gone and he told me that he wasn't going to leave me just because I'm pregnant. That I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met. That what Ryan did was just insane because he lost the best thing that will happen to him, because he said that to be loved that much, it is very rare. He told me that he wanted to take me away, rescue me from all of this and just let me relax and be treated like the woman that I should be. So, this weekend he wants to take me to some place special. I told him I will not do anything over night yet. And that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone for a very long time. He understood. So, he said later he'll take me to some cool waterfalls in Oregon (I wonder if that is where Ryan was going to propose? He had told me he was going to propose under some waterfall in Oregon! It was the best non-proposal I've ever gotten! It made me cry!), and then later we'd go further when we had time, like down the California coast. He told me to get my passport so we could go someplace else! He is the sweetest guy I know these days. It's nice being treated special and with real concern and respect. He's not the love of my life but my mom said give him a chance. He truly is concerned and cares. So, he finally said he'll draw up a parenting plan and get all the papers in order for Ryan and I so that as soon as the child is here things are in order. I am so glad now that he's in my life. He told me that eventually if we get married we'll have one more to make it 4. Yikes! With Ryan, we would've had 4 together! I do miss his little girl so much!
My thoughts were I still can't marry a non Christian. But my mom said in time he may just come around if I continue to witness to him. I got to witness to him about the Philippines and India. And he was so amazed! He was in awe as to how I could be a missionary and not care what happened to me because I was willing to give my life so others could be saved. He said there was something different and amazing about me. I told him I was just following God's command to be disciples to all nations and go into ALL the world and preach the good news! It'll take a miracle for David to become a Christian because he is such a strong Jew. He even wants to go back to Israel, and I'd love to go with him if we end up together! How amazing would that be? But in all seriousness, I am in NO hurry to get married! The only man I could see myself saying yes to is Ryan. There was a time that I would've married Jon, and I didn't care if we lived in a one bedroom apartment. . . It's the same thing. If you really love someone, money isn't an issue. My mom said I will be the most well off of this whole family, besides my brother some day, if I marry David. Because if I stayed with him, I know I'd go to medical school. That is NOT an option. With an income from a doctor and a lawyer, of course we'll be well off. But with that kind of money I'd also want to do missions work and make sure the kids also had a great education. The thing is David and I value our education and we have had NO ONE help us out with the expenses. My folks are letting me stay in their house so I don't have to worry about that, but as far as paying for it, he did and I am.
In the long run however, happiness and love are still what I truly want. It doesn't matter if I am some well known doctor and he's some well known attorney, if we aren't happy and I am not in love I won't do it. I know with Ryan, we would've been poor for a while and struggled and had to really watch our money, but with love, you can make anything work. Besides, I'd get a degree that could really help us out. I still plan on it. If not medical, perhaps Psychology or something. I want to stay in state for now so that Ryan can have a chance if he desires to know know his child. I'd always stay in state if we ended back up together. But, I can't even fathom that any longer. He has not exactly been the nicest to me and I am carrying his child, the child he wanted way more than I! To tell you the truth it scared me at first when we would be at a store and he'd always stop in the baby section and look at all the little clothes. I always told him, "someday." But now, I have the child he wanted growing inside of me and he is absent. Go figure. Kind of ironic and backwards and twisted.
He once told me that he thought I was instable because I always change my mind. Yeah, about the little thing that don't matter, but come on! I am the only one that will be around for this child he so wanted! For better or for worse I am now committed to loving this child and taking care of it while he walks away and does his own thing. I am going to school and also raising my other two. So, is that unstable? I suppose if you want to think so. The only thing I ever told him was that I'd wait until he absolutely loved me and wanted to get married. That it didn't matter if it was next summer as we had planned or 10 years from now, I was willing to wait.
But, in all honestly why should I wait for someone who has walked away? Like David said, he'll realize it someday and know what and who he lost. I will not wait around forever. I will move on with my life and be happy and successful and have a loving family. And if there is a different man raising the children, but he loves them, then that's all that matters. I do want a whole family. So, if it someday is David or any other man, I am OK with it now. God has given me a peace about things. I am finally strong enough to let go and walk away. I am not going to wait like some pup that's lost it's mom and it's way back home. I am independent and I deserve so much more! I deserve a man that is going to treat me like a real woman and with love and respect. That's how it use to be. I'm not going to put up with someone who can't figure things out and treats me worse than yesterday's trash. I won't accept my feelings and emotions to be toyed with any longer. I was so vulnerable because I did fall completely in love with him. I let him own me in a sense. But, I can and will live without him. You know the saying goes, it's not who you can live with but who you can't live without. Well I felt I didn't want to live without him. He and his daughter had become my world with my own two. But the real saying should be, I can live without you, but I don't want to and I choose to make my life with you, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through all the fighting and making up. When things don't go as you want them to, you don't just walk away, throw in the towel and turn your back on them. You stick it out because you know that this person is worth it. You know that no matter what happened or what they may have done, that they truly are the person that will love you forever.
But, what do I know right? I mean I would never have walked away from the people I cared about regardless of what happened. Maybe I am just stronger than that. I know what commitment is and I know that You have to work at what you want. Love, the word, it's so easily thrown around.
But if you really love someone you stay with them and work it out even when the "feelings" and "emotions" are gone. Love means for better or worse. Love means you choose to stick it out because in the long run, things will be great!
All I know is that the next time I get married, it'll be for life. I will be darn sure we truly love each other. I will date the guy for a minimum of a year. I am sure we'll go through ups and downs, but time and the trials will tell. It will tell if we are strong enough to make a marriage work. I don't want my kids ever going through something like what they are going through with losing Ryan again. It's far worse for them to lose him than their own father. They would have rather spent time with Ryan than their own daddy. They were always telling him they loved him. And for Ryan to come with me to my son's teeball game made his whole world. When I got home that night he said he wanted to be just like him. Granted his own father was there as well, but what made Mike happy was Ryan being there. Ryan spent way more time with the kids than their own father does, so in a sense he became "daddy" to them. In fact another friend asked me why they called him daddy. So, I talked to Ryan and he said he loved it. I thought we were going to be together forever so I didn't mind. I made a terrible mistake because there is no way I would ever allow them to call any other man daddy. Not before, not after. The kids don't understand why "daddy" left them. Mike just said yesterday he still wants to play golf and basketball like "daddy Ryan!" That killed me. He still admires and adores him. Mike wants so much to be good to please him, and yet I know that Ryan could care less. And recently Alexis has stopped trusting men all together. She won't even go to her grandpa and always says she's mad at him. She says she just wants daddy Ryan and her sissy Jadyn back. Geez! Right when I meet a new man they start this whole thing again.
So yes, I made a big mistake. I will be very careful if any future men meet them. The guy will only be my "friend." We will make it though. All 4 (baby included)of us! I will tell the baby it's daddy loves it very much and just can't be around if that is what happens. I will never break or hurt my own children's hearts no matter how much mine is breaking or hurting. In time children always realize the truth on their own. I seriously hope that I don't have to say this to this child, I hope Ryan becomes the father I know he can be and is. But for now, I am so glad to have David. He believes in me and wants to make life better for me. He said it's time I get out of the corner and be recognized for being the woman I am! Who knows? Maybe someday I will be the doc performing that intense surgery for babies with open spinal bifida? But whatever I end up doing, whatever I end being, I will be great at it, because I have the compassion and passion that drives me to love whatever it is I am doing and be content with it! Even if I were a garbage man, I'd still be OK because I'd do it with the peace of God.
So, I will end with this comment. Whatever it is that's on your plate, just trust God. You can't know or predict the future. No matter what happens or what you expect to happen you just have to wait and trust that God knows what he's doing. Believe it or not, He has our best interest at heart and while we can't see it, while we suffer or have heart breaks or whatever we're going through, God has something so much better. I believe that God knew that Ryan and I needed a break because Ryan needs to figure out his life. Ryan will not be happy until he lets go of that other woman completely. He can't move on. He's stuck in the past. And it's because she left him. Had he left her, he wouldn't be confused he'd know he didn't love her. But she left him for the dad of her baby. If she leaves him once, she'll do it again. There's a reason she didn't choose Ryan over that man. She didn't love him. Not enough. Not the way he deserves to be loved. And he's confused because of it. God knew I deserved so much better! I deserve to be more than an afterthought! So, even though I don't know what will happen (hey God works miracles!), I know that with God everything will be OK. I still may wonder, I may even grieve, but I will live life and who knows maybe David will make me happy!
I am willing to open up and see what's there.
well, better run. I know it sounds weird, but I want to spend some time listening to God now. I do devotions in the morning, and then wait and listen to God. I like to stay as much in His presence as possible these days. I truly want to be able to walk in His image again! And for now, He is my beloved and the love in my life! He will give me everything I need and more!
So, he wanted to know what was up. So I told him I am 4 1/2 months pregnant. I told him I understood if he didn't want to talk any longer. Most guys totally avoid me once they find out. So, he asked questions like is Ryan involved, etc. I told him there was a time Ryan wanted to make things work for the baby, but left us anyhow. That he said he really didn't want anything to do with the baby. David was furious. He said that he was an immature man who needed to wake up and realize he was really going to hurt his own child. That his selfish actions will not only hurt my kids and I, but his own child will feel abandoned. I kind of already knew this. I told David that adoption wasn't an option when he suggested it. So, he asked if Ryan would come around. I told him I seriously doubted it. I said I hoped so for the child's sake, that he even went to every appointment in the beginning, but now he's been completely absent. I do hope he comes around, because he'll really miss out on his child's life but I also told David Ryan got scared, is afraid of commitment, and was too afraid to really let the kids and I love him. He even told my mom, he's never had someone love him so deeply and completely the way I did. He couldn't understand it. So, my mom said it was because I loved him with God's love.
So, then David asked if I had anything bad to say about him, and I told him absolutely not. That this is life and Ryan chose a different life. That I will not say anything bad about the father of my child. And I hate talking bad about others even when they break my heart. I mean when Jonathan did it a few years back I never said a bad thing about him and to this day I think he's an amazing man. So, David finally accepted things and the fact that Ryan is gone and he told me that he wasn't going to leave me just because I'm pregnant. That I was the most wonderful woman he'd ever met. That what Ryan did was just insane because he lost the best thing that will happen to him, because he said that to be loved that much, it is very rare. He told me that he wanted to take me away, rescue me from all of this and just let me relax and be treated like the woman that I should be. So, this weekend he wants to take me to some place special. I told him I will not do anything over night yet. And that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone for a very long time. He understood. So, he said later he'll take me to some cool waterfalls in Oregon (I wonder if that is where Ryan was going to propose? He had told me he was going to propose under some waterfall in Oregon! It was the best non-proposal I've ever gotten! It made me cry!), and then later we'd go further when we had time, like down the California coast. He told me to get my passport so we could go someplace else! He is the sweetest guy I know these days. It's nice being treated special and with real concern and respect. He's not the love of my life but my mom said give him a chance. He truly is concerned and cares. So, he finally said he'll draw up a parenting plan and get all the papers in order for Ryan and I so that as soon as the child is here things are in order. I am so glad now that he's in my life. He told me that eventually if we get married we'll have one more to make it 4. Yikes! With Ryan, we would've had 4 together! I do miss his little girl so much!
My thoughts were I still can't marry a non Christian. But my mom said in time he may just come around if I continue to witness to him. I got to witness to him about the Philippines and India. And he was so amazed! He was in awe as to how I could be a missionary and not care what happened to me because I was willing to give my life so others could be saved. He said there was something different and amazing about me. I told him I was just following God's command to be disciples to all nations and go into ALL the world and preach the good news! It'll take a miracle for David to become a Christian because he is such a strong Jew. He even wants to go back to Israel, and I'd love to go with him if we end up together! How amazing would that be? But in all seriousness, I am in NO hurry to get married! The only man I could see myself saying yes to is Ryan. There was a time that I would've married Jon, and I didn't care if we lived in a one bedroom apartment. . . It's the same thing. If you really love someone, money isn't an issue. My mom said I will be the most well off of this whole family, besides my brother some day, if I marry David. Because if I stayed with him, I know I'd go to medical school. That is NOT an option. With an income from a doctor and a lawyer, of course we'll be well off. But with that kind of money I'd also want to do missions work and make sure the kids also had a great education. The thing is David and I value our education and we have had NO ONE help us out with the expenses. My folks are letting me stay in their house so I don't have to worry about that, but as far as paying for it, he did and I am.
In the long run however, happiness and love are still what I truly want. It doesn't matter if I am some well known doctor and he's some well known attorney, if we aren't happy and I am not in love I won't do it. I know with Ryan, we would've been poor for a while and struggled and had to really watch our money, but with love, you can make anything work. Besides, I'd get a degree that could really help us out. I still plan on it. If not medical, perhaps Psychology or something. I want to stay in state for now so that Ryan can have a chance if he desires to know know his child. I'd always stay in state if we ended back up together. But, I can't even fathom that any longer. He has not exactly been the nicest to me and I am carrying his child, the child he wanted way more than I! To tell you the truth it scared me at first when we would be at a store and he'd always stop in the baby section and look at all the little clothes. I always told him, "someday." But now, I have the child he wanted growing inside of me and he is absent. Go figure. Kind of ironic and backwards and twisted.
He once told me that he thought I was instable because I always change my mind. Yeah, about the little thing that don't matter, but come on! I am the only one that will be around for this child he so wanted! For better or for worse I am now committed to loving this child and taking care of it while he walks away and does his own thing. I am going to school and also raising my other two. So, is that unstable? I suppose if you want to think so. The only thing I ever told him was that I'd wait until he absolutely loved me and wanted to get married. That it didn't matter if it was next summer as we had planned or 10 years from now, I was willing to wait.
But, in all honestly why should I wait for someone who has walked away? Like David said, he'll realize it someday and know what and who he lost. I will not wait around forever. I will move on with my life and be happy and successful and have a loving family. And if there is a different man raising the children, but he loves them, then that's all that matters. I do want a whole family. So, if it someday is David or any other man, I am OK with it now. God has given me a peace about things. I am finally strong enough to let go and walk away. I am not going to wait like some pup that's lost it's mom and it's way back home. I am independent and I deserve so much more! I deserve a man that is going to treat me like a real woman and with love and respect. That's how it use to be. I'm not going to put up with someone who can't figure things out and treats me worse than yesterday's trash. I won't accept my feelings and emotions to be toyed with any longer. I was so vulnerable because I did fall completely in love with him. I let him own me in a sense. But, I can and will live without him. You know the saying goes, it's not who you can live with but who you can't live without. Well I felt I didn't want to live without him. He and his daughter had become my world with my own two. But the real saying should be, I can live without you, but I don't want to and I choose to make my life with you, through thick and thin, through ups and downs, through all the fighting and making up. When things don't go as you want them to, you don't just walk away, throw in the towel and turn your back on them. You stick it out because you know that this person is worth it. You know that no matter what happened or what they may have done, that they truly are the person that will love you forever.
But, what do I know right? I mean I would never have walked away from the people I cared about regardless of what happened. Maybe I am just stronger than that. I know what commitment is and I know that You have to work at what you want. Love, the word, it's so easily thrown around.
But if you really love someone you stay with them and work it out even when the "feelings" and "emotions" are gone. Love means for better or worse. Love means you choose to stick it out because in the long run, things will be great!
All I know is that the next time I get married, it'll be for life. I will be darn sure we truly love each other. I will date the guy for a minimum of a year. I am sure we'll go through ups and downs, but time and the trials will tell. It will tell if we are strong enough to make a marriage work. I don't want my kids ever going through something like what they are going through with losing Ryan again. It's far worse for them to lose him than their own father. They would have rather spent time with Ryan than their own daddy. They were always telling him they loved him. And for Ryan to come with me to my son's teeball game made his whole world. When I got home that night he said he wanted to be just like him. Granted his own father was there as well, but what made Mike happy was Ryan being there. Ryan spent way more time with the kids than their own father does, so in a sense he became "daddy" to them. In fact another friend asked me why they called him daddy. So, I talked to Ryan and he said he loved it. I thought we were going to be together forever so I didn't mind. I made a terrible mistake because there is no way I would ever allow them to call any other man daddy. Not before, not after. The kids don't understand why "daddy" left them. Mike just said yesterday he still wants to play golf and basketball like "daddy Ryan!" That killed me. He still admires and adores him. Mike wants so much to be good to please him, and yet I know that Ryan could care less. And recently Alexis has stopped trusting men all together. She won't even go to her grandpa and always says she's mad at him. She says she just wants daddy Ryan and her sissy Jadyn back. Geez! Right when I meet a new man they start this whole thing again.
So yes, I made a big mistake. I will be very careful if any future men meet them. The guy will only be my "friend." We will make it though. All 4 (baby included)of us! I will tell the baby it's daddy loves it very much and just can't be around if that is what happens. I will never break or hurt my own children's hearts no matter how much mine is breaking or hurting. In time children always realize the truth on their own. I seriously hope that I don't have to say this to this child, I hope Ryan becomes the father I know he can be and is. But for now, I am so glad to have David. He believes in me and wants to make life better for me. He said it's time I get out of the corner and be recognized for being the woman I am! Who knows? Maybe someday I will be the doc performing that intense surgery for babies with open spinal bifida? But whatever I end up doing, whatever I end being, I will be great at it, because I have the compassion and passion that drives me to love whatever it is I am doing and be content with it! Even if I were a garbage man, I'd still be OK because I'd do it with the peace of God.
So, I will end with this comment. Whatever it is that's on your plate, just trust God. You can't know or predict the future. No matter what happens or what you expect to happen you just have to wait and trust that God knows what he's doing. Believe it or not, He has our best interest at heart and while we can't see it, while we suffer or have heart breaks or whatever we're going through, God has something so much better. I believe that God knew that Ryan and I needed a break because Ryan needs to figure out his life. Ryan will not be happy until he lets go of that other woman completely. He can't move on. He's stuck in the past. And it's because she left him. Had he left her, he wouldn't be confused he'd know he didn't love her. But she left him for the dad of her baby. If she leaves him once, she'll do it again. There's a reason she didn't choose Ryan over that man. She didn't love him. Not enough. Not the way he deserves to be loved. And he's confused because of it. God knew I deserved so much better! I deserve to be more than an afterthought! So, even though I don't know what will happen (hey God works miracles!), I know that with God everything will be OK. I still may wonder, I may even grieve, but I will live life and who knows maybe David will make me happy!
I am willing to open up and see what's there.
well, better run. I know it sounds weird, but I want to spend some time listening to God now. I do devotions in the morning, and then wait and listen to God. I like to stay as much in His presence as possible these days. I truly want to be able to walk in His image again! And for now, He is my beloved and the love in my life! He will give me everything I need and more!
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Suffering, a path through healing
Hi! So, here's the devotion and what God gave me to think about yesterday. Sorry it's a day and a few hours late, but life happens. I know it's a long read, but it is encouraging and you will be blessed!
Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, "Why?" He asked, "Why me?" And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take cliche's for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook. Job did not take his suffering quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering and protested mightily.
It is not only because Job suffered that that is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same way we suffer-in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went "to the top" with his questions.
It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering. Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When the discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: when we do wrong, we get punished.
One of the surprises as we get older, however is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job did everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Gob gives voice when he protests to God.
Job gives voice to his suffering so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered-which includes every last one of us-can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role as defeated victim. It is important to note though that in all of this, Job in no way curses God as his wife suggests he should do. But Job doesn't explain his suffering either. He never instructs us how to live so that we may avoid this suffering. Suffering is a mystery and Job comes to respect that mystery. this mystery is God. This is the state in which will bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise, because we have no where else to turn but to God to make sense of it all. Job states that "we take the good days, why not also take the bad days?"
The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind-sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or the person left standing there when the relationship is over, with the other person walking away without a care, depressed, or bewildered, people start showing up and telling us what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Suffers attack fixers the way roadkill attracts vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility of answers. They know so much! How did they get to be experts in living?
More often than not these people often use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful! But then we begin to wonder, "Why is it for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?"
However, in our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to presume that we can "fix things," get rid of them, or make them "better." We look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better well-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to "fix" suffering we must keep several things in mind.
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering-which we simply won't be very successful at anyway-perhaps we should be entering the suffering, the mystery and look around for God. In other words we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and if they will let us, join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As I look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, I see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
But sometimes it's hard to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize in those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, He makes Himself known to us in all the many ways that He describes to Job-from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe around us-and He is the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope-not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in a book, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again with variations-and hear all the answers again with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job rejecting the quick-fix ideas of the people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned. God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and vulnerable humility.
Now, given this revelation I know there is a reason to my suffering. there is a reason God took the love of my life away to raise this baby alone. Yes, I suffer daily because of the love I have for Ryan. But, I also know that God must have something else in mind, or something even greater. Even when we follow Him and beg and plead with Him, and then get angry with Him we sometimes don't know the reason until later. Sometimes we may never know why things happen or why He takes those we love away. I must not sit and plead with God, and wait. It is not my will, but His be done in my life now!
And yes, I do accept and love all your e-mails, blog responses, encouragement, and words of wisdom. God also gave me wisdom to discern what is of Him. So, I hope that this encourages all of you in your suffering as well. Remember, I am going through this. So, it's not easy for me to write this. But I do understand what true pain and suffering really is! Love you all!
Job suffered. His name is synonymous with suffering. He asked, "Why?" He asked, "Why me?" And he put his questions to God. He asked his questions persistently, passionately, and eloquently. He refused to take silence for an answer. He refused to take cliche's for an answer. He refused to let God off the hook. Job did not take his suffering quietly or piously. He disdained going for a second opinion to outside physicians or philosophers. Job took his stance before God, and there he protested his suffering and protested mightily.
It is not only because Job suffered that that is important to us. It is because he suffered in the same way we suffer-in the vital areas of family, personal health, and material things. Job is also important to us because he searchingly questioned and boldly protested his suffering. Indeed, he went "to the top" with his questions.
It is not suffering as such that troubles us. It is undeserved suffering. Almost all of us in our years of growing up have the experience of disobeying our parents and getting punished for it. When the discipline was connected with wrongdoing, it had a certain sense of justice to it: when we do wrong, we get punished.
One of the surprises as we get older, however is that we come to see that there is no real correlation between the amount of wrong we commit and the amount of pain we experience. An even larger surprise is that very often there is something quite the opposite: We do right and get knocked down. We do the best we are capable of doing, and just as we are reaching out to receive our reward we are hit from the blind side and sent reeling.
This is the suffering that first bewilders and then outrages us. This is the kind of suffering that bewildered and outraged Job, for Job did everything right when suddenly everything went wrong. And it is this kind of suffering to which Gob gives voice when he protests to God.
Job gives voice to his suffering so well, so accurately and honestly, that anyone who has ever suffered-which includes every last one of us-can recognize his or her personal pain in the voice of Job. Job says boldly what some us are too timid to say. He makes poetry out of what in many of us is only a tangle of confused whimpers. He shouts out to God what a lot of us mutter behind our sleeves. He refuses to accept the role as defeated victim. It is important to note though that in all of this, Job in no way curses God as his wife suggests he should do. But Job doesn't explain his suffering either. He never instructs us how to live so that we may avoid this suffering. Suffering is a mystery and Job comes to respect that mystery. this mystery is God. This is the state in which will bring a person into the presence of God in a state of worship, full of wonder, love and praise, because we have no where else to turn but to God to make sense of it all. Job states that "we take the good days, why not also take the bad days?"
The moment we find ourselves in trouble of any kind-sick in the hospital, bereaved by a friend's death, dismissed from a job or the person left standing there when the relationship is over, with the other person walking away without a care, depressed, or bewildered, people start showing up and telling us what is wrong with us and what we must do to get better. Suffers attack fixers the way roadkill attracts vultures. At first we are impressed that they bother with us and amazed at their facility of answers. They know so much! How did they get to be experts in living?
More often than not these people often use the Word of God frequently and loosely. They are full of spiritual diagnosis and prescription. It all sounds so hopeful! But then we begin to wonder, "Why is it for all their apparent compassion we feel worse instead of better after they've said their piece?"
However, in our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer. And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering. No doubt that is a good impulse. But if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering, we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to presume that we can "fix things," get rid of them, or make them "better." We look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better well-behaved children, better mental and emotional health. But when we rush in to "fix" suffering we must keep several things in mind.
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems. Second, our friends may not want our advice. Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more. When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed, deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering-which we simply won't be very successful at anyway-perhaps we should be entering the suffering, the mystery and look around for God. In other words we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and if they will let us, join them in protest and prayer. Pity can be nearsighted and condescending, shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing. As I look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, I see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow.
But sometimes it's hard to follow Job's lead when we feel so alone in our suffering, unsure of what God wants us to do. What we must realize in those times of darkness is that the God who appeared to Job in the whirlwind is calling out to all of us. Although God may not appear to us in a vision, He makes Himself known to us in all the many ways that He describes to Job-from the macro to the micro, from the wonders of the galaxies to the little things we take for granted. He is the Creator of the unfathomable universe around us-and He is the Creator of the universe inside of us. And so we gain hope-not from the darkness of our suffering, not from pat answers in a book, but from the God who sees our suffering and shares our pain.
First we hear all the stock answers. Then we ask the questions again with variations-and hear all the answers again with variations. Over and over and over. Every time we let Job give voice to our own questions, our suffering gains in dignity and we are brought a step closer to the threshold of the voice and mystery of God. Every time we persist with Job rejecting the quick-fix ideas of the people who see us and hear us but do not understand us, we deepen our availability and openness to the revelation that comes only out of tempest. The mystery of God eclipses the darkness and the struggle. We realize that suffering calls our lives into question, not God's. The tables are turned. God-Alive is present to us. God is speaking to us. And so Job's experience is confirmed and repeated once again in our suffering and vulnerable humility.
Now, given this revelation I know there is a reason to my suffering. there is a reason God took the love of my life away to raise this baby alone. Yes, I suffer daily because of the love I have for Ryan. But, I also know that God must have something else in mind, or something even greater. Even when we follow Him and beg and plead with Him, and then get angry with Him we sometimes don't know the reason until later. Sometimes we may never know why things happen or why He takes those we love away. I must not sit and plead with God, and wait. It is not my will, but His be done in my life now!
And yes, I do accept and love all your e-mails, blog responses, encouragement, and words of wisdom. God also gave me wisdom to discern what is of Him. So, I hope that this encourages all of you in your suffering as well. Remember, I am going through this. So, it's not easy for me to write this. But I do understand what true pain and suffering really is! Love you all!
Sleepless in Gig Harbor, yet exhausated!
Hi all! So, I am asking those of you who have been pregnant, or who have gone days with no sleep. . . . I am in desperate need of the stuff! I haven't been able to sleep since the awful news of the baby having open spinal bifida. Though I know things are fine now, I still can't sleep. And I can't sleep at all during the day. So, any sleep help remedies are greatly welcomed and appreciated. Yes, I've tried the milk and the tea and even tylonol PM. Nothing seems to really help! Sigh. . . I need and want sleep! There's only so much of a happy mom these days and I have been pretty calm regarding. . . But, I want to continue to be a good mom and do something before my patience wears out! So, please help if you can!
Thanks a million!
Thanks a million!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Movie, song, and letting go
So tonight I saw Harry Potter the new one. It was weird because after the movie I got this bizarre feeling and a peace come over me. For some reason I was ready to let Ryan go. I got a feeling that the most important thing is my children, all of them. They always have been, but realizing that love and friends are more important than something that went away hit me during this movie. It's not like it's an insightful movie or anything, but the holy spirit speaks in different ways. So, while I still love Ryan, I am finally giving him into God's hands and telling Him Your will be done. I will continually pray for him every day, but I must try and let him go. I must let go of that I love the most. If it truly is of God, some day He'll work it out. Of course I will continue to love him, and at times I may write a thing or two about our life that we had but it seems like my journals always disappear so I know that it will remain safe on here. I want to preserve the memories for our child so that what little and what special time we did have and what love we did have the child will know something of it's daddy and will have the good memories.
On the way to pick up the kids the song Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood came on. The tears flooded my eyes and I told God OK take the wheel for good. I know that I want I want to do and what I do is so difficult. I do want to be happy so it's time I give God my heart back to fix and make whole again. It's time I get on with my life because I finally realized Ryan isn't coming back. He chose to leave his baby, the kids and I. I know we were happy and I know he was happy being with me. I also know he was afraid of the commitment so he made excuses and bailed. I should hold that against him, but I've forgiven him. I just have a heavy heart now because I don't want this baby feeling like it's been abandoned as well, by its daddy!
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Just because i am letting go of Ryan, doesn't make it any easier. What do I tell the child if it's own daddy doesn't even come to it's birth? And how do I tell it it's daddy didn't want anything to do with it. How can anyone deny there child?
I'm in need of wisdom these days!
On the way to pick up the kids the song Jesus Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood came on. The tears flooded my eyes and I told God OK take the wheel for good. I know that I want I want to do and what I do is so difficult. I do want to be happy so it's time I give God my heart back to fix and make whole again. It's time I get on with my life because I finally realized Ryan isn't coming back. He chose to leave his baby, the kids and I. I know we were happy and I know he was happy being with me. I also know he was afraid of the commitment so he made excuses and bailed. I should hold that against him, but I've forgiven him. I just have a heavy heart now because I don't want this baby feeling like it's been abandoned as well, by its daddy!
What do I do now? Where do I go from here? Just because i am letting go of Ryan, doesn't make it any easier. What do I tell the child if it's own daddy doesn't even come to it's birth? And how do I tell it it's daddy didn't want anything to do with it. How can anyone deny there child?
I'm in need of wisdom these days!
Songs and bottles
Hi all! I am finally home! But things have come up, so I will write about the devotion later. However, I will say that on the way home from Mike's soccer I had my ipod on random and it Amazed by Lonestar. And I had tears in my eyes. It reminded me of the when Ryan and I drove down to California! We had the regular station on and heard this song! So, he turned to me and said this is our song! Little did I realize he was in a way telling me he loved me! So, later he said that's what he meant! That was going to be a song we wanted at our wedding as it is our song. So of course with missing him today it made me cry.
Earlier Alexis and I went to Babies r us and I was looking at the bottles because I knew Ryan wanted to be able to feed the baby too. He was somewhat upset when I told him I wanted to breastfeed. So, I decided to pump when I wasn't feeding so he could also bond with our child. I suppose if he choses not to be involved then I will just save it for when I need it. But I want him to be able to be a part of his child's life regardless of what happens between us.
So yes, that song is still my fav. The things men do to us!
Earlier Alexis and I went to Babies r us and I was looking at the bottles because I knew Ryan wanted to be able to feed the baby too. He was somewhat upset when I told him I wanted to breastfeed. So, I decided to pump when I wasn't feeding so he could also bond with our child. I suppose if he choses not to be involved then I will just save it for when I need it. But I want him to be able to be a part of his child's life regardless of what happens between us.
So yes, that song is still my fav. The things men do to us!
The e-mails, the baby and 2 men
So, I thought I would write. Over the past few days and weeks I've received several e-mails regarding things with the baby and Ryan.
I have had suggestions such as to abort the child, give him partial custody or full custody. I've been told that this baby will just interrupt my life and so, I should just get rid of it. Even adoption was in a few e-mails. Then 2 people suggested I wear a ring on my left hand so I don't get the questions or dirty looks. Let me ask. . . Why all the suggestions about what to do with the baby? Seriously? I never asked that. That was never even an option. I was and still am planning on keeping it. Giving my baby away was and never will be an option. And NO I will NOT wear a ring. There was a time I was ashamed but it wasn't so much that I am having a baby, it was because we had sex before marriage. But then when I went to God and confessed it, He forgave me and cleaned my sins. Recently I got a prophecy that said that God gave this baby to me to be a blessing and that I will not loose it and that the day of it's birth will be more than a blessing, but a new beginning as well. I have never thought of this child as anything but. Regardless of what people will say or think, it was created in love. Ryan and I truly loved each other when it was conceived.
As for the whole Ryan/David thing. Yes, David is great and he'd be a great husband. He said that if he were to marry me, we'd live on Mercer Island, and give the kids the best life we could. Because he's a lawyer, we'd never have to worry about money or finances. It seems like a dream come true and he truly does like me for me. He constantly reminds me how wonderful and nice and what a genuinely real person I am. He loves that about me and the fact that I take an interest in what he does.
But then there's 2 factors that keep me from really opening my heart up to him. First is, yes, I still love Ryan very deeply. People say just get over him, but when you really love someone, you just don't get over that person. I most likely will always love him.
And second, David is a Jew. That is, he does not believe in Jesus Christ and only believes the first 5 books of the Bible exist and are of God. This is a huge thing, as I love Jesus with my whole heart and want to raise my kids in that faith. I need a husband that is just as strong as I am. Or at the very least loves Christ and hungers to know more of him. It's kind of hard when they don't believe at all and that will only lead to heartache for me.
As for Ryan. I finally figured it out. While he and I had a totally different kind of relationship, not one where we'd sit and talk about school and intellectual things, but as I talked with a good friend yesterday, I realized what Ryan and I had was more real. More family! We didn't need to go to fancy, expensive restaurants or talk of the intellectual things of the world such as paintings, etc. We had the more down to earth family feel, and we loved all the same things such as playing sports, He played basketball with the guys in his free time and I loved that! I loved being able to go to his games and watch! It excited me to see him doing something he loved! We did the fun things such as went to the zoo or played with the kids and Red Robin was OK with him! That's my fav. place! We could just sit and talk and joke or not say anything at all and just be with each other and we were OK. I mean one of our dates consisted of cleaning his bathroom (he moved out, so he had to clean it and I wanted to help), and then we went bowling then to my son's tee-ball game! It may not be a normal or sophisticated but it was us and it fit us, and we loved it! The little things were more important, and it didn't matter what we were doing, but if we spent time together it was great! So yes, while I cleaned his toilet and bathtub, I didn't care, because I knew that I was with him! When he was sick I loved taking care of him and bringing him soup and sprite. I loved being able to take his little girl out to the zoo with Alexis so that he could sleep, and then we'd go shopping for dinner! I loved being able to cook dinner for the kids and bath them while he slept. I was a mom and taking care of Ryan and Jadyn along with Alexis and Mikey became a part of me and I loved it.
So, while I may pursue a career that will put me more well off, I honestly could trade it and trade money for love! I would rather be poor and have a great, happy family life and be in love than have money and stuff and not be in love or happy. So yes, I do pray God brings Ryan back around. I want our family whole again. And with this baby coming I want it's daddy to come back! I love it's daddy more than anyone I've ever loved and I thought that over time it would fade. But when you truly love someone it doesn't exactly fade.
You see, I am NOT the only one that loves and misses them. Alexis also does. All day yesterday she was whiny and clingy and crying. So, when I asked her last night what was wrong she said she really misses Ryan and Jadyn.
So, I guess we wait and pray and still hope that God provides a miracle! That He puts our family back together. But for now, I will still talk and hang out with David. It's kind of nice having someone I can talk to these days, considering all my close friends seem to busy with their own lives. Besides he tells me the things about the law that I needed to know. Such as WA State does not allow joint custody. The only way you can get it is if both parents agree and sign a document saying they want that. But The state won't ever grant it otherwise because it disrupts the child and they get confused and their education really suffers. He said those poor children are not going to be as stable. It's very true. So, I will not do this with this baby. I had contemplated it, but I can't and won't.
So, I leave you all in thought. . . Is it so important that I give this child away that provokes the e-mails. While you may have good intentions, the best intentions are just to support me with this baby. That what family and friends are supposed to do. And no matter what others say. It was never an accident or a mistake! I love my baby! And I can't wait to meet it on Christmas! What a Christmas gift! Ryan has in essence given me the best Christmas gift I will ever get! So, for that I will never forget him!
Just my thoughts as always
I have had suggestions such as to abort the child, give him partial custody or full custody. I've been told that this baby will just interrupt my life and so, I should just get rid of it. Even adoption was in a few e-mails. Then 2 people suggested I wear a ring on my left hand so I don't get the questions or dirty looks. Let me ask. . . Why all the suggestions about what to do with the baby? Seriously? I never asked that. That was never even an option. I was and still am planning on keeping it. Giving my baby away was and never will be an option. And NO I will NOT wear a ring. There was a time I was ashamed but it wasn't so much that I am having a baby, it was because we had sex before marriage. But then when I went to God and confessed it, He forgave me and cleaned my sins. Recently I got a prophecy that said that God gave this baby to me to be a blessing and that I will not loose it and that the day of it's birth will be more than a blessing, but a new beginning as well. I have never thought of this child as anything but. Regardless of what people will say or think, it was created in love. Ryan and I truly loved each other when it was conceived.
As for the whole Ryan/David thing. Yes, David is great and he'd be a great husband. He said that if he were to marry me, we'd live on Mercer Island, and give the kids the best life we could. Because he's a lawyer, we'd never have to worry about money or finances. It seems like a dream come true and he truly does like me for me. He constantly reminds me how wonderful and nice and what a genuinely real person I am. He loves that about me and the fact that I take an interest in what he does.
But then there's 2 factors that keep me from really opening my heart up to him. First is, yes, I still love Ryan very deeply. People say just get over him, but when you really love someone, you just don't get over that person. I most likely will always love him.
And second, David is a Jew. That is, he does not believe in Jesus Christ and only believes the first 5 books of the Bible exist and are of God. This is a huge thing, as I love Jesus with my whole heart and want to raise my kids in that faith. I need a husband that is just as strong as I am. Or at the very least loves Christ and hungers to know more of him. It's kind of hard when they don't believe at all and that will only lead to heartache for me.
As for Ryan. I finally figured it out. While he and I had a totally different kind of relationship, not one where we'd sit and talk about school and intellectual things, but as I talked with a good friend yesterday, I realized what Ryan and I had was more real. More family! We didn't need to go to fancy, expensive restaurants or talk of the intellectual things of the world such as paintings, etc. We had the more down to earth family feel, and we loved all the same things such as playing sports, He played basketball with the guys in his free time and I loved that! I loved being able to go to his games and watch! It excited me to see him doing something he loved! We did the fun things such as went to the zoo or played with the kids and Red Robin was OK with him! That's my fav. place! We could just sit and talk and joke or not say anything at all and just be with each other and we were OK. I mean one of our dates consisted of cleaning his bathroom (he moved out, so he had to clean it and I wanted to help), and then we went bowling then to my son's tee-ball game! It may not be a normal or sophisticated but it was us and it fit us, and we loved it! The little things were more important, and it didn't matter what we were doing, but if we spent time together it was great! So yes, while I cleaned his toilet and bathtub, I didn't care, because I knew that I was with him! When he was sick I loved taking care of him and bringing him soup and sprite. I loved being able to take his little girl out to the zoo with Alexis so that he could sleep, and then we'd go shopping for dinner! I loved being able to cook dinner for the kids and bath them while he slept. I was a mom and taking care of Ryan and Jadyn along with Alexis and Mikey became a part of me and I loved it.
So, while I may pursue a career that will put me more well off, I honestly could trade it and trade money for love! I would rather be poor and have a great, happy family life and be in love than have money and stuff and not be in love or happy. So yes, I do pray God brings Ryan back around. I want our family whole again. And with this baby coming I want it's daddy to come back! I love it's daddy more than anyone I've ever loved and I thought that over time it would fade. But when you truly love someone it doesn't exactly fade.
You see, I am NOT the only one that loves and misses them. Alexis also does. All day yesterday she was whiny and clingy and crying. So, when I asked her last night what was wrong she said she really misses Ryan and Jadyn.
So, I guess we wait and pray and still hope that God provides a miracle! That He puts our family back together. But for now, I will still talk and hang out with David. It's kind of nice having someone I can talk to these days, considering all my close friends seem to busy with their own lives. Besides he tells me the things about the law that I needed to know. Such as WA State does not allow joint custody. The only way you can get it is if both parents agree and sign a document saying they want that. But The state won't ever grant it otherwise because it disrupts the child and they get confused and their education really suffers. He said those poor children are not going to be as stable. It's very true. So, I will not do this with this baby. I had contemplated it, but I can't and won't.
So, I leave you all in thought. . . Is it so important that I give this child away that provokes the e-mails. While you may have good intentions, the best intentions are just to support me with this baby. That what family and friends are supposed to do. And no matter what others say. It was never an accident or a mistake! I love my baby! And I can't wait to meet it on Christmas! What a Christmas gift! Ryan has in essence given me the best Christmas gift I will ever get! So, for that I will never forget him!
Just my thoughts as always
Sunday, July 22, 2007
A Date with substance
Hi All! So I am really glad I went on this date! Let me tell ya, I was so nervous! But alas I straightened my hair, did my makeup and put on some nice jeans and cute blue dressy haltertop with black heals and beautiful gold dangly earrings. I didn't even look pregnant and I am now 4 1/2 months pregnant!
He wanted to take me to a nice, expensive restaurant. So, I suggested the Ram on Ruston he said NO! LOL! He said some where more expensive. So I suggested CI Shenanigans and he said that'd be great. So he made reservations for 8 and I showed up first so they seated me. I was so nervous. I had never really dated someone who was well established. By that I mean who actually has a graduate degree. He has his own private practice and offices in Seattle, Tacoma and now is buying in Everett. So, he showed up and we talked for a bit. Then we ordered and the food was wonderful! I loved it! We then ordered dessert and shared it and talked until 11. It was so amazing because I mean we really talked. Talked about life, careers, education, etc. For once it was actually two adults talking! There were no walls or no trying to be something we weren't. It was surreal. Then he said I was unlike any other woman he had ever dated. That I was so different. I asked how so and he said that I was pure and innocent almost as if I were from the 50s! LOL! I laughed and said, so my title should be June Cleaver with an education! He laughed too! He said he loved my sense of humor! But what he meant was it's so refreshing to meet me, because I was so refined and he could tell I was really passionate and genuinely cared about others. He said he won't even date someone that doesn't have a graduate degree but knew that I was worth so much more and knew I was pursuing it! He said I was rare and a woman with grace and confidence that stood out! He told me that I really challenged him as a person and asked tough questions that were more than surface deep. He is extremely intelligent and was top in his law class and undergrad school. And I even make him laugh!
So, anyhow, we finally left around 11 and went to a nice grill type bar on Broadway and sat and talked there. We talked about the best of movies and art, and of course the original classics and foreign films! Then he asked me about Ryan. He wanted to know why it ended. I said because he said he thinks he's in love with his ex. He asked me if I had anything bad to say and I said no. I don't like talking bad about people. So he asked if I loved him and I said there was a time we both really loved each other. I said Ryan fell in love with me on our first date, but yes I still loved him and probably always would. I said it's kind of like Jonathan. He was the first real love of my life and I will always love him but he's in the past and I let him go. He told me it was Ryan's loss and that he was really stupid for letting me go. He said I will make a great wife, mom and is just one of those women you don't let go! He said Ryan will regret it when some other man is raising his baby and teaching it sports, etc. We laughed a lot together and talked about how it was nice to go out with someone that could talk about more than the weather!
We finally left around 2AM and he took me to see his new office which is cool with a water view, and then he drove me back to my car. It was so nice because he paid for everything and opened all the doors even the car door every time! He is an athlete as well! It was so nice because he even told me I was beautiful! And he was pretty handsome. I said I must be a snob as well because I only date guys I find attractive. I said if that's not there, then we can only be friends. He said he's the same way.
So anyhow, he walked me to my door. And we talked for a few and then he gently pulled me towards him for a kiss. Then he kissed me again and then he told me, I'm going to kiss you again! I realized though how much I wanted to be kissing Ry and all I could see was Ry, so I said I should go, it was now raining and well I was tired and knew the kids would be up early. So he kissed me again and told me he wanted to see me again soon and often. Then I got in my car and headed home.
As I headed home, I realized it was an amazing date, and if I wasn't still in love with Ryan, it would've been wonderful. I thought though, When we kissed there was no passion, not the way Ryan kissed me. Every time Ryan kissed me, he took my breath away and gave me butterflies even from our first kiss. My mom thinks it's because I am in love with Ryan is the reason as to why I didn't feel anything and to give it time and to continue to date him. She thinks he's gorgeous! So, I will probably see him again.
He's different from Ryan in every way possible that you can imagine! He actually reminds me exactly of Jonathan. He's so refined, and well rounded and there's so much to talk to them about. That's how it was when I talked with Jon. We always had things to talk about and no matter what was going on with each other we could talk to each other without judgment and we just got one another. Even when we didn't agree or were upset we always talked. Jonathan and Ryan were so different. It was actually weird that I ended up with Ryan and falling in love with him. But for some reason I fell in love with Ryan. Maybe it was just our chemistry, but it happened, nonetheless.
It's was great being treated like a woman. I mean a real woman. Not a mom, but me as a woman. So, this is what it must be like to date men of class and that is refined. It's actually nice being treated with respect and class. I'm not use to men treating me like a woman, like a person of value and whatnot! I am glad he thinks I challenge him. I am glad that he thinks that I am worth more than the way I've been treated. it's so nice and refreshing, not having to worry about getting my heart broken because I am afraid that he doesn't know if he's coming or going and when he becomes afraid of loving me thinks he loves his ex, even though he told me that I was the one woman that made him feel different and challenged him as well. That was Ryan. He told me he loved me for who I was and then pushed me away. I don't think David will do that. He KNOWS what he wants and is looking for. He's very sophisticated! Well, thus the first date. I suppose I am willing to give it a chance. Maybe in time things will change.
It's just hard being pregnant with Ryan's baby. So, of course I want our family whole. But maybe this guy will be able to do the things with the kids that Ryan never would.
So many questions. . . Only time will tell. In a perfect world though, I still want to be married to Ryan. But, I don't see this happening.
Better run. . . I have kids to tend to. Back to being a mom!
He wanted to take me to a nice, expensive restaurant. So, I suggested the Ram on Ruston he said NO! LOL! He said some where more expensive. So I suggested CI Shenanigans and he said that'd be great. So he made reservations for 8 and I showed up first so they seated me. I was so nervous. I had never really dated someone who was well established. By that I mean who actually has a graduate degree. He has his own private practice and offices in Seattle, Tacoma and now is buying in Everett. So, he showed up and we talked for a bit. Then we ordered and the food was wonderful! I loved it! We then ordered dessert and shared it and talked until 11. It was so amazing because I mean we really talked. Talked about life, careers, education, etc. For once it was actually two adults talking! There were no walls or no trying to be something we weren't. It was surreal. Then he said I was unlike any other woman he had ever dated. That I was so different. I asked how so and he said that I was pure and innocent almost as if I were from the 50s! LOL! I laughed and said, so my title should be June Cleaver with an education! He laughed too! He said he loved my sense of humor! But what he meant was it's so refreshing to meet me, because I was so refined and he could tell I was really passionate and genuinely cared about others. He said he won't even date someone that doesn't have a graduate degree but knew that I was worth so much more and knew I was pursuing it! He said I was rare and a woman with grace and confidence that stood out! He told me that I really challenged him as a person and asked tough questions that were more than surface deep. He is extremely intelligent and was top in his law class and undergrad school. And I even make him laugh!
So, anyhow, we finally left around 11 and went to a nice grill type bar on Broadway and sat and talked there. We talked about the best of movies and art, and of course the original classics and foreign films! Then he asked me about Ryan. He wanted to know why it ended. I said because he said he thinks he's in love with his ex. He asked me if I had anything bad to say and I said no. I don't like talking bad about people. So he asked if I loved him and I said there was a time we both really loved each other. I said Ryan fell in love with me on our first date, but yes I still loved him and probably always would. I said it's kind of like Jonathan. He was the first real love of my life and I will always love him but he's in the past and I let him go. He told me it was Ryan's loss and that he was really stupid for letting me go. He said I will make a great wife, mom and is just one of those women you don't let go! He said Ryan will regret it when some other man is raising his baby and teaching it sports, etc. We laughed a lot together and talked about how it was nice to go out with someone that could talk about more than the weather!
We finally left around 2AM and he took me to see his new office which is cool with a water view, and then he drove me back to my car. It was so nice because he paid for everything and opened all the doors even the car door every time! He is an athlete as well! It was so nice because he even told me I was beautiful! And he was pretty handsome. I said I must be a snob as well because I only date guys I find attractive. I said if that's not there, then we can only be friends. He said he's the same way.
So anyhow, he walked me to my door. And we talked for a few and then he gently pulled me towards him for a kiss. Then he kissed me again and then he told me, I'm going to kiss you again! I realized though how much I wanted to be kissing Ry and all I could see was Ry, so I said I should go, it was now raining and well I was tired and knew the kids would be up early. So he kissed me again and told me he wanted to see me again soon and often. Then I got in my car and headed home.
As I headed home, I realized it was an amazing date, and if I wasn't still in love with Ryan, it would've been wonderful. I thought though, When we kissed there was no passion, not the way Ryan kissed me. Every time Ryan kissed me, he took my breath away and gave me butterflies even from our first kiss. My mom thinks it's because I am in love with Ryan is the reason as to why I didn't feel anything and to give it time and to continue to date him. She thinks he's gorgeous! So, I will probably see him again.
He's different from Ryan in every way possible that you can imagine! He actually reminds me exactly of Jonathan. He's so refined, and well rounded and there's so much to talk to them about. That's how it was when I talked with Jon. We always had things to talk about and no matter what was going on with each other we could talk to each other without judgment and we just got one another. Even when we didn't agree or were upset we always talked. Jonathan and Ryan were so different. It was actually weird that I ended up with Ryan and falling in love with him. But for some reason I fell in love with Ryan. Maybe it was just our chemistry, but it happened, nonetheless.
It's was great being treated like a woman. I mean a real woman. Not a mom, but me as a woman. So, this is what it must be like to date men of class and that is refined. It's actually nice being treated with respect and class. I'm not use to men treating me like a woman, like a person of value and whatnot! I am glad he thinks I challenge him. I am glad that he thinks that I am worth more than the way I've been treated. it's so nice and refreshing, not having to worry about getting my heart broken because I am afraid that he doesn't know if he's coming or going and when he becomes afraid of loving me thinks he loves his ex, even though he told me that I was the one woman that made him feel different and challenged him as well. That was Ryan. He told me he loved me for who I was and then pushed me away. I don't think David will do that. He KNOWS what he wants and is looking for. He's very sophisticated! Well, thus the first date. I suppose I am willing to give it a chance. Maybe in time things will change.
It's just hard being pregnant with Ryan's baby. So, of course I want our family whole. But maybe this guy will be able to do the things with the kids that Ryan never would.
So many questions. . . Only time will tell. In a perfect world though, I still want to be married to Ryan. But, I don't see this happening.
Better run. . . I have kids to tend to. Back to being a mom!
Saturday, July 21, 2007
The love behind it
So, as I sit here my mind starts to drift to all that has happened in the past 7 months. This year started out to be the best year of my life. Not too far into it I met the man whom I thought I was going to spend my life with. For the first time in I really knew I loved someone! I didn't care any longer about medical school or high achievements, because well, I loved him and was OK with getting a degree that would keep me local! I actually embraced it. What most of you don't know is that there was one morning that I realized that I couldn't spend my life without him. I went over to his house on Saturday in my red dress, stood there in the pouring rain, freezing and shaking because I was so nervous and this is what I said to him. . .
Ryan,
I have never felt so sure about anyone in my entire life as I do about you! I was so scared because you fulfilled all my dreams! When I close my eyes , You're all that I see. You, my sweet love are all that I need! You complete me! I was so wrong and selfish but I promise you from now on, I will be selfless, kind, loving, patient, and humble. You have made my mornings beautiful and every day a dream come true! I don't need anything except you! You complete me! I love you so much and I don't care where or when we get married, but I do want to marry you! You, Jadyn and the kids are everything to me. My dream is for us to grow old together and have the kids dreams come true. Jadyn is so precious to me and I can't imagine you living a day without her. I just wish she were living with you full time. I want to give you and our kids the world. And together with you I know all of our dreams will come true!
Then I got down on both knees and said
Ryan James Kallenberger, will you marry me? (I gave him the blue rose and red rose and the ring he had chosen) I love you and you are the only man I will ever love!
By this time I was crying! Ryan, of course helped me up and took me in his arms and held me! I knew at that moment I didn't want to live a day without him, and I no longer cared about dream weddings or dresses or who was right and who was wrong. In those moments I gave him my heart.
For me, this was quite new. You see, in the past after my divorce I have had 4 or so proposals. Every time, I turned them down saying I'm sorry, you're not the one. You're not the man I love and want to spend my life with. I have never proposed to anyone. I honestly didn't think I'd ever love anyone else besides Jon. Then Ryan came into my life and everything changed. I was so scared and so unsure. There was a time I even pushed him away because I thought that like Jon he'd walk away and never look back. I tried to guard and protect my heart. He didn't understand it and I hurt him. But I realized that I did love him and that was me putting up a barrier. I've never had a man love me the way Ryan did. I thought, God, how can this be possible? Is it true I have finally found true love and ever-lasting happiness?
So, now as I pack every thing away, all of our memories together, all of the pictures and whatnot, I sigh as I place them neatly in a box. The tears begin to fall once again as I put the pictures of us so in love away, and then the baby starts to move! Remembering back to the days when we created this baby in love only gives me a bitter taste as I never in my life saw this coming. Still trying to figure out how he could just suddenly stop loving me and his baby because of some other woman still leaves me in shock. And yet, my heart still hurt desperately for him. . .
I wonder, will this ever get easier? My parents have decided that I need to go out with that lawyer tonight, but in my heart, I just want to be in his arms again having him tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I sometimes sit and wonder, if it was all just a dream, then I feel the baby move and realize that it wasn't. We had something real. Something that he threw away. It isn't only me that is still missing him 2 months later, but my kids still cry for him and his daughter. They know that this baby is Ryan's. Mike asks how Ryan can leave his baby. I have no answers as I don't even know. I can't understand how he could love his daughter so much and be the best father in the world to her and he would've never left her and yet how he can just leave this one? My eyes, now filled with tears, wonder where that amazing father is? Where the man that swept me off my feet disappeared to?
Then I have people say it will only take time to get over him to move on and that I will heal and find love again. But if love is this painful, I don't want it! I have people tell me they understand they've been there and they too got over it and shortly after met the love of their life and now are happy. But what they don't understand is that in their situation they didn't end up having a baby from the man they loved. It wasn't the same. Or the story would always be that he came back a few years later and now they are happily married. But that too is not my story's ending. . . How can people say they know or have gone through this? How many were actually going to get married, to one day walk up to the person they love and when they asked what's wrong the person says I don't ever want to see you again. Talk about heart breaking and life shattering. So, I go through all this alone now. He was supposed to be there for me. For us. He chose to be free and lead his own life. So as I get news like my child has "open spinal bifida" or give birth, I go through it alone. I have no shoulder to cry on, no man that loves me to be there for me. Sure I tell him what is going on, but he seems pretty nonchalant. So, then I just wait until everyone's asleep or gone and then I cry. I cry because of everything. Of the pain my kids feel. From the pain I will always go through, of just going through this whole thing alone. Even my best friends are too busy these days. So, I mainly just talk to God these days because no one else is around or understands.
Yet, God does not reassure me that it will all work out. I pray and beg him for a miracle and yet I never get direct answers. I just want to be happy again and smiling. And for once I want to feel loved. I mean love and not have that love taken away from me!
I guess that is in some ways why I have chosen to go back towards med school. Because with no one around to spend my time with and no one to spend my life with or to love me and let me love him, it's better to do something that will help others. At least then, when the kids are gone and I am alone, I will be too busy to know. Yes, I'd rather be something more simple and live a life of love with the love of my life, but obviously that is not what is in the cards for me!
So, now I sit and wonder, where God is?
I have yet to still fill in the rest of the story, but I will. I have it all written down in my journals.
Will this story have a happy ending? I sure hope so. . .
But for now, I am just a mom. A mom that takes care of 2 and will soon be having a 3rd.
And no, no amount of child support will ever make up for the absence of a father! I just wish Ryan would come around to loving his baby before it is too late. And yes, there is such a thing as too late to children! If he decides to be absent, then there is nothing left for me in Washington. I will go where I am accepted. If God gives me my miracle, I will pursue a different path and definitely stay here!
Oh well, just the thoughts of this sad gal!
Ryan,
I have never felt so sure about anyone in my entire life as I do about you! I was so scared because you fulfilled all my dreams! When I close my eyes , You're all that I see. You, my sweet love are all that I need! You complete me! I was so wrong and selfish but I promise you from now on, I will be selfless, kind, loving, patient, and humble. You have made my mornings beautiful and every day a dream come true! I don't need anything except you! You complete me! I love you so much and I don't care where or when we get married, but I do want to marry you! You, Jadyn and the kids are everything to me. My dream is for us to grow old together and have the kids dreams come true. Jadyn is so precious to me and I can't imagine you living a day without her. I just wish she were living with you full time. I want to give you and our kids the world. And together with you I know all of our dreams will come true!
Then I got down on both knees and said
Ryan James Kallenberger, will you marry me? (I gave him the blue rose and red rose and the ring he had chosen) I love you and you are the only man I will ever love!
By this time I was crying! Ryan, of course helped me up and took me in his arms and held me! I knew at that moment I didn't want to live a day without him, and I no longer cared about dream weddings or dresses or who was right and who was wrong. In those moments I gave him my heart.
For me, this was quite new. You see, in the past after my divorce I have had 4 or so proposals. Every time, I turned them down saying I'm sorry, you're not the one. You're not the man I love and want to spend my life with. I have never proposed to anyone. I honestly didn't think I'd ever love anyone else besides Jon. Then Ryan came into my life and everything changed. I was so scared and so unsure. There was a time I even pushed him away because I thought that like Jon he'd walk away and never look back. I tried to guard and protect my heart. He didn't understand it and I hurt him. But I realized that I did love him and that was me putting up a barrier. I've never had a man love me the way Ryan did. I thought, God, how can this be possible? Is it true I have finally found true love and ever-lasting happiness?
So, now as I pack every thing away, all of our memories together, all of the pictures and whatnot, I sigh as I place them neatly in a box. The tears begin to fall once again as I put the pictures of us so in love away, and then the baby starts to move! Remembering back to the days when we created this baby in love only gives me a bitter taste as I never in my life saw this coming. Still trying to figure out how he could just suddenly stop loving me and his baby because of some other woman still leaves me in shock. And yet, my heart still hurt desperately for him. . .
I wonder, will this ever get easier? My parents have decided that I need to go out with that lawyer tonight, but in my heart, I just want to be in his arms again having him tell me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. I sometimes sit and wonder, if it was all just a dream, then I feel the baby move and realize that it wasn't. We had something real. Something that he threw away. It isn't only me that is still missing him 2 months later, but my kids still cry for him and his daughter. They know that this baby is Ryan's. Mike asks how Ryan can leave his baby. I have no answers as I don't even know. I can't understand how he could love his daughter so much and be the best father in the world to her and he would've never left her and yet how he can just leave this one? My eyes, now filled with tears, wonder where that amazing father is? Where the man that swept me off my feet disappeared to?
Then I have people say it will only take time to get over him to move on and that I will heal and find love again. But if love is this painful, I don't want it! I have people tell me they understand they've been there and they too got over it and shortly after met the love of their life and now are happy. But what they don't understand is that in their situation they didn't end up having a baby from the man they loved. It wasn't the same. Or the story would always be that he came back a few years later and now they are happily married. But that too is not my story's ending. . . How can people say they know or have gone through this? How many were actually going to get married, to one day walk up to the person they love and when they asked what's wrong the person says I don't ever want to see you again. Talk about heart breaking and life shattering. So, I go through all this alone now. He was supposed to be there for me. For us. He chose to be free and lead his own life. So as I get news like my child has "open spinal bifida" or give birth, I go through it alone. I have no shoulder to cry on, no man that loves me to be there for me. Sure I tell him what is going on, but he seems pretty nonchalant. So, then I just wait until everyone's asleep or gone and then I cry. I cry because of everything. Of the pain my kids feel. From the pain I will always go through, of just going through this whole thing alone. Even my best friends are too busy these days. So, I mainly just talk to God these days because no one else is around or understands.
Yet, God does not reassure me that it will all work out. I pray and beg him for a miracle and yet I never get direct answers. I just want to be happy again and smiling. And for once I want to feel loved. I mean love and not have that love taken away from me!
I guess that is in some ways why I have chosen to go back towards med school. Because with no one around to spend my time with and no one to spend my life with or to love me and let me love him, it's better to do something that will help others. At least then, when the kids are gone and I am alone, I will be too busy to know. Yes, I'd rather be something more simple and live a life of love with the love of my life, but obviously that is not what is in the cards for me!
So, now I sit and wonder, where God is?
I have yet to still fill in the rest of the story, but I will. I have it all written down in my journals.
Will this story have a happy ending? I sure hope so. . .
But for now, I am just a mom. A mom that takes care of 2 and will soon be having a 3rd.
And no, no amount of child support will ever make up for the absence of a father! I just wish Ryan would come around to loving his baby before it is too late. And yes, there is such a thing as too late to children! If he decides to be absent, then there is nothing left for me in Washington. I will go where I am accepted. If God gives me my miracle, I will pursue a different path and definitely stay here!
Oh well, just the thoughts of this sad gal!
Friday, July 20, 2007
A New Perspective
Hi! So, yes it is true! I've been talking to a man named David for almost a month now. He's nice and we talk daily. He's a lawyer and my goodness we laugh a lot together! He laughed and said we're phone dating, cuz every time we try to meet, something comes up! Everyone says to go out with him cuz it'll be good to get over Ryan. But our last convo. he said some things that made me unsure. I think we'll be good as friends, but let me tell ya, he believes that if 2 people get pregnant the man should marry her. He also said that most men that date right after the divorce the gal or the first couple he may think he loves because they "look" so good to him but it is a rebound. Unfortunately, he will think he "loves" her and he will ruin what he really has until he realizes she really wasn't what he thought she was. He said it won't be until a baby is born by another woman or he may even eventually marry her and realize it was a terrible mistake and that too will end in divorce and then the man will realize the woman that they had that they loved at one point and she loved him, that she really was it. I hope to God Ryan wakes up before this. Because for the first time I realize that was what is happening. He said he sees this daily because he is a divorce and family practice attorney amongst other things. But he hardly loses a case and he is good at what he does and he said the story for men is the same 90% of the time and this time they are divorcing the "girl they thought they loved!"
I like him as a friend and have learned a lot, but I still love Ryan, regardless. I suppose that I will see what God has now. I guess if Ryan is not what God has, He'll bring someone better!
Well better go, Alexis wants me to hold her now! I hold her til she falls asleep these days!
I like him as a friend and have learned a lot, but I still love Ryan, regardless. I suppose that I will see what God has now. I guess if Ryan is not what God has, He'll bring someone better!
Well better go, Alexis wants me to hold her now! I hold her til she falls asleep these days!
Conversation
Hi! So, I finally talked to Ryan. He finally called me back at 5. We talked about the bad stuff and then of course the baby being OK! I think we were both very relieved to have a healthy baby! He said his day has been long, and I bet it has been! I hope he has a wonderful 30th! But it must suck to play golf in the rain. Apparently they had 2 tournaments today! So, we talked about the next appt. and I really hope he can come! It's when we find out the sex of the baby amongst other things! I told him I'd rearrange things if he needed me to! So anyhow, we had what I thought was a pleasant conversation! Maybe we'll be friends after-all. I'd like that considering he is the dad of our child! Until then, I will pray!
Miracle!
It's me again! Thanks to all your prayers God does still provide miracles! It turns out it WAS a false positive! The last test came back normal! I think it's God's healing touch! Because of previous complications, they said that could've made the first one positive. But it was only a few days later that I did the second test, so I trust that God did provide a miracle and it was HIS healing hand!
I know that this baby is going to be an amazing child! It will be such a blessing to all, especially to it's dad and I! Even if this child did have problems and the tests were positive I know that God does all things for a reason! But I also know that God has His hand on this baby's life!
When I found out the news, I was overwhelmed with joy! I was SO happy that it was going to be OK! Then I felt guilty because last night as I lie there wide awake crying, I thought, I do want a healthy child! I want to teach it so many things and take it camping! I want it to be able to learn how to play sports and have it's daddy and I teach it and pass our love for sports onto it! I wanted it to be able to run and skip and crawl! I wanted so much to be able to take it on the family vacations and have all of us be able to do things together! I didn't care if we had to park blocks away instead of up close because we'd have a handicap sticker, but I really wanted it to be able to walk and play with it's siblings! So, when I thought, Thank God, my baby is going to be healthy, I felt guilty! I would have loved it just the same, but I so much wanted a healthy child so that even when we traveled around the world it could come too!! Is that wrong?
Yes, I did not sleep. I called the doctor at 9:30AM to find out the results and they had just got in the lab tests. The waiting was agony. They said they'd call asap. I checked the phone every minute. Then at 11:30 I called back! The doctor was on lunch! I finally got the call at 1PM! She said it was normal! To stop worrying now! I sighed a breath of relief! She explained the whole thing! So, I called the baby's daddy, but he's out playing in a tournament. He's a pro golfer. I am so glad to be able to give him the good news on his birthday! I guess there is no better birthday gift I could've given him for his 30th than a healthy baby! LOL!
Well, again, thanks to all of you for praying for a miracle! God truly does hear our prayers when we come in agreement to Him! I will keep you all updated with our lives as time goes on!
I know that this baby is going to be an amazing child! It will be such a blessing to all, especially to it's dad and I! Even if this child did have problems and the tests were positive I know that God does all things for a reason! But I also know that God has His hand on this baby's life!
When I found out the news, I was overwhelmed with joy! I was SO happy that it was going to be OK! Then I felt guilty because last night as I lie there wide awake crying, I thought, I do want a healthy child! I want to teach it so many things and take it camping! I want it to be able to learn how to play sports and have it's daddy and I teach it and pass our love for sports onto it! I wanted it to be able to run and skip and crawl! I wanted so much to be able to take it on the family vacations and have all of us be able to do things together! I didn't care if we had to park blocks away instead of up close because we'd have a handicap sticker, but I really wanted it to be able to walk and play with it's siblings! So, when I thought, Thank God, my baby is going to be healthy, I felt guilty! I would have loved it just the same, but I so much wanted a healthy child so that even when we traveled around the world it could come too!! Is that wrong?
Yes, I did not sleep. I called the doctor at 9:30AM to find out the results and they had just got in the lab tests. The waiting was agony. They said they'd call asap. I checked the phone every minute. Then at 11:30 I called back! The doctor was on lunch! I finally got the call at 1PM! She said it was normal! To stop worrying now! I sighed a breath of relief! She explained the whole thing! So, I called the baby's daddy, but he's out playing in a tournament. He's a pro golfer. I am so glad to be able to give him the good news on his birthday! I guess there is no better birthday gift I could've given him for his 30th than a healthy baby! LOL!
Well, again, thanks to all of you for praying for a miracle! God truly does hear our prayers when we come in agreement to Him! I will keep you all updated with our lives as time goes on!
Stressed and still waiting!
Hi! So, I called the doctor this morning and still they didn't know or wouldn't tell me. That doesn't seem good! I am waiting in stress. I hate this. . . . The not knowing is so much worse than even knowing at this point. Why can't they just call? Do they not understand the stress this causes or the seriousness of it all?
The worse part it's Ryan's 30th birthday today! I didn't want this to happen, he doesn't deserve this. No matter what happened, no one deserves this stress on their birthday. . . It's his little baby!
Last night I could not sleep. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why? How come? Why us? It's not as if Ryan and I have struggles already. The worse part is that when this type of thing happens the couple is usually married so that at least they have each other for support. I won't lie, I do want a healthy child. I want a child who can do all the fun things and play sports. I want that miracle. Because I honestly don't know if I can do this alone. If Ryan and I were married it'd be way different.
Then I think, is this my punishment for having sex with him before we got married? But then why with him, would this happen? When God knew we wouldn't stay together? SO many questions. So many thoughts. Am I afraid? Yes! Am I scared that if things aren't normal that Ryan will reject his own child? YES! Am I afraid that I won't be able to get the surgery to help it if insurance doesn't pick up? Yes. At this point, if doing the surgery will help the baby even if puts my life at risk, I will do it. It deserves that chance!
So, now I sit and wait. . . Wringing my hands, sick to my stomach, tears in my eyes! I just want to be able to call Ryan with the great news! But I can't. Not when I sit and do not even know. I can't if there is no great news. I want to give him a good birthday, and at this point a healthy baby is the best present I can give him. . .
God do You hear my cries and see my tears?
Bri
The worse part it's Ryan's 30th birthday today! I didn't want this to happen, he doesn't deserve this. No matter what happened, no one deserves this stress on their birthday. . . It's his little baby!
Last night I could not sleep. A million thoughts ran through my head. Why? How come? Why us? It's not as if Ryan and I have struggles already. The worse part is that when this type of thing happens the couple is usually married so that at least they have each other for support. I won't lie, I do want a healthy child. I want a child who can do all the fun things and play sports. I want that miracle. Because I honestly don't know if I can do this alone. If Ryan and I were married it'd be way different.
Then I think, is this my punishment for having sex with him before we got married? But then why with him, would this happen? When God knew we wouldn't stay together? SO many questions. So many thoughts. Am I afraid? Yes! Am I scared that if things aren't normal that Ryan will reject his own child? YES! Am I afraid that I won't be able to get the surgery to help it if insurance doesn't pick up? Yes. At this point, if doing the surgery will help the baby even if puts my life at risk, I will do it. It deserves that chance!
So, now I sit and wait. . . Wringing my hands, sick to my stomach, tears in my eyes! I just want to be able to call Ryan with the great news! But I can't. Not when I sit and do not even know. I can't if there is no great news. I want to give him a good birthday, and at this point a healthy baby is the best present I can give him. . .
God do You hear my cries and see my tears?
Bri
Thursday, July 19, 2007
A New Found Joy!
I know such a short time and I am writing again! I wanted to let you all know that as of yesterday I found out my little bundle of joy that is due at Christmas has open spinal bifida. The news was shocking and of course I cried. I told the father of the baby to give him a heads up. I had to go back in for more testing yesterday. I am hoping it was a false positive. The nurse said that if the due date is off it could be. So they tried adjusting it, and did it again. However, when I talked with the lab tech she said there are only 1 in 1000 false positives which led me to more tears. I thought, my goodness, my life is about to change forever. I will of course have to change my career option or may not even be able to have a career. I was informed that if this test is also positive we will do an ultrasound for a 3rd proof of positive then the next step is in womb surgery. My insurance will not cover this and it is $35,000. or more. So, then we'd have to pray God provides the money through a miracle. There are only 3 hospitals in America advanced enough to do such a risky surgery. One is in California. That is the one, I'd most likely choose. What the surgery contains is the anesthesiologist puts both the baby and I under and then cuts open my stomach and removes the uterus. Then they drain the amniotic fluid and put it into a warmer to hold it where then it will be replaced after surgery. Once that is done the baby will be lifted partially out of the womb to do the surgery. Once it is done the baby is placed back in and they put the uterus back inside of me and sew me up. This can be dangerous but it has saved many babies from undergoing the severe problems it would have had the surgery not been done before birth!
So, today I took my daughter, Alexis with me to PLU to register as I need to try and get some classes done before the baby arrives. She was so adorable saying we can't step in the muddles, nope, nope, we can't! It brought laughter to me and joy once again. Muddle is a mud puddle! I realized that I still love this baby, and regardless of what is wrong, whether it be open spinal bifida, (the worst possible thing a person can have) or anything else, I will still love it just the same! It has been a hard road, and last night I got literally no sleep. I have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to what I put in my mouth, whether it me food or meds! Everything can affect this little one now. I called for the test results and still no answer. Usually that isn't a good sign. I just pray and hope that things will be OK. My biggest worry, use to be the sex of this baby! But God showed me what real worry is, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought this could be a possibility! I guess only 1 in 2000 babies are born with it. 95% of parents who find out their child has it, aborts them. This of course is not an option! If the results come back positive, I will love it just the same as I loved it before I knew it might spend it's life in a wheelchair with tons of other problems! It will still be God's gift to me and a miracle nontheless, because God doesn't make mistakes! Maybe this is to show the father and I God's ultimate hand in things and His power, whether He chooses to heal or not! Either way, I will not blame God and I will not turn my back on this child. I may go through this whole thing alone. But I will have the love of my children daily to remind me that God gives us love through our children, every single one, whether they can play sports or whether they need help sitting! This baby will no doubt change my life forever. But it will be in an amazing way! Yes, while I have fears and worries like every parent, I also trust in God. I may cry at night with worry about how to make it all work, but then I come back to trusting God. There are sometimes no real reasons why things happen or why things happen to us. I've learned we have to take it all, the good with the bad. And regardless of what happens, never ever turn our backs on these precious gifts. This baby will NOT be a burden rather it will teach me how to appreciate everything in life! I am not certain of anything anymore. In fact I wondered why God would give me this to carry. Then I was reminded God only gives us what He knows we can handle! Apparently God thinks the father and I can handle this! So, until I get those daunting test results back, I still remain hopeful. But alas, I will always remain faithful to God! So, I ask you all now, when you get a brief moment, please bow your head and pray. Pray for God's divine touch and His healing hand! But also pray that whatever God's will is, it be done! God surely knows what He is doing even when we don't! All I know is that even if it can't run or play sports or do all the normal things children can do, it'll still be "perfect" to me! This is my blessing from God! I will try to attach a picture of the baby when we do the ultrasound! But I will surely let you all know the final results! I love you all and you all have been a blessing to me!
Smiling in the midst of tears,
Brianne
So, today I took my daughter, Alexis with me to PLU to register as I need to try and get some classes done before the baby arrives. She was so adorable saying we can't step in the muddles, nope, nope, we can't! It brought laughter to me and joy once again. Muddle is a mud puddle! I realized that I still love this baby, and regardless of what is wrong, whether it be open spinal bifida, (the worst possible thing a person can have) or anything else, I will still love it just the same! It has been a hard road, and last night I got literally no sleep. I have to be EXTREMELY CAREFUL as to what I put in my mouth, whether it me food or meds! Everything can affect this little one now. I called for the test results and still no answer. Usually that isn't a good sign. I just pray and hope that things will be OK. My biggest worry, use to be the sex of this baby! But God showed me what real worry is, let me tell you! I never in a million years thought this could be a possibility! I guess only 1 in 2000 babies are born with it. 95% of parents who find out their child has it, aborts them. This of course is not an option! If the results come back positive, I will love it just the same as I loved it before I knew it might spend it's life in a wheelchair with tons of other problems! It will still be God's gift to me and a miracle nontheless, because God doesn't make mistakes! Maybe this is to show the father and I God's ultimate hand in things and His power, whether He chooses to heal or not! Either way, I will not blame God and I will not turn my back on this child. I may go through this whole thing alone. But I will have the love of my children daily to remind me that God gives us love through our children, every single one, whether they can play sports or whether they need help sitting! This baby will no doubt change my life forever. But it will be in an amazing way! Yes, while I have fears and worries like every parent, I also trust in God. I may cry at night with worry about how to make it all work, but then I come back to trusting God. There are sometimes no real reasons why things happen or why things happen to us. I've learned we have to take it all, the good with the bad. And regardless of what happens, never ever turn our backs on these precious gifts. This baby will NOT be a burden rather it will teach me how to appreciate everything in life! I am not certain of anything anymore. In fact I wondered why God would give me this to carry. Then I was reminded God only gives us what He knows we can handle! Apparently God thinks the father and I can handle this! So, until I get those daunting test results back, I still remain hopeful. But alas, I will always remain faithful to God! So, I ask you all now, when you get a brief moment, please bow your head and pray. Pray for God's divine touch and His healing hand! But also pray that whatever God's will is, it be done! God surely knows what He is doing even when we don't! All I know is that even if it can't run or play sports or do all the normal things children can do, it'll still be "perfect" to me! This is my blessing from God! I will try to attach a picture of the baby when we do the ultrasound! But I will surely let you all know the final results! I love you all and you all have been a blessing to me!
Smiling in the midst of tears,
Brianne
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Aweful News! Please Pray!
Hi. I just found out the baby has open spinal bifida. What that is, it that the spinal cord is exposed and is very dangerous. I had more tests today, and we're just waiting now. If it comes back positive then they will have to do other tests and possibly in womb surgery. I am really scared as it could be paralyzed amongst other things. I wonder how much more God truly thinks I can handle on my own? I am praying for a miracle now. A miracle of all sorts of things.
Please keep the baby and I in your prayers. If this is the case my whole future will change, I will not be able to go back to school as this child will be more than a full time job. . .God, Where are You?
Please keep the baby and I in your prayers. If this is the case my whole future will change, I will not be able to go back to school as this child will be more than a full time job. . .God, Where are You?
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Random happiness and pain! Ouch!
Hi all! I found out that the baby is breech. So for those of you who have no idea what that means, he's sitting upright! Smart kid, gotta say, he doesn't want to hang around upside down! However, because he is that way I have started having severe back pain. The doc. said this is to be expected. They said it's useless to move it because there is too much room and he'll move right back to this position. They have to wait until I am around 7 months. sigh I hope this doesn't really last that long. Apparently he is pretty long, so he's going to have his daddy's genes because Ry is pretty tall.
So anyhow, the past two nights I've woken from the pain with tears in my eyes. Vicodin isn't coming close to touching the pain. This is NOT good! Tonight my front right started to hurt like it did when I was admitted to the hospital. If the pain continues I may not be able to move soon. So, if you have a brief moment, can you pray that God removes this pain please!
On a cuter note, I took pics of Alexis in Point Defiance's Flower Garden today! They are incredibly cute! I will post some as soon as I can! When I get Mike's haircut, we'll be doing some of him as well, but more or less near the water. Gotta make some of his manly! LOL!
When Mike has been playing basketball, Lexi and I have been doing different things lately! Yesterday we went to visit my Aunt Janet and cousin Faith! It was great to see them!
Well, I'm pretty exhausted now so I am going to go!
Good Night
So anyhow, the past two nights I've woken from the pain with tears in my eyes. Vicodin isn't coming close to touching the pain. This is NOT good! Tonight my front right started to hurt like it did when I was admitted to the hospital. If the pain continues I may not be able to move soon. So, if you have a brief moment, can you pray that God removes this pain please!
On a cuter note, I took pics of Alexis in Point Defiance's Flower Garden today! They are incredibly cute! I will post some as soon as I can! When I get Mike's haircut, we'll be doing some of him as well, but more or less near the water. Gotta make some of his manly! LOL!
When Mike has been playing basketball, Lexi and I have been doing different things lately! Yesterday we went to visit my Aunt Janet and cousin Faith! It was great to see them!
Well, I'm pretty exhausted now so I am going to go!
Good Night
Monday, July 16, 2007
Incredible Joy!
Hi all! Just thought I'd say how incredibly happy I am! I am not sure why, but for some reason, I am so happy and full of joy! I am so happy I have tears in my eyes! This must be a joy only God can give! I don't know why I am so happy, because given everything that has happened, I should be sad and full of remorse, but for now God has filled me with a joy and a happiness! So for now, have a wonderful day, and may God's happiness fill your lives as well!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Nesting already? A revelation
Hi all! So, today I woke up with this instant urge to get everything in order and the house cleaned and ready for the baby! So, things are slowly falling into place!
This is the first summer I haven't attended classes or worked due to being a high risk pregnancy. So I have had the summer off to spend with the kids, but when they are here, it's hard to do what I really need to do, because most of the time, we are out and about doing fun things! But now that they are gone for the weekend, I feel this need to get things in order once again!
You see, when things sort of ended suddenly with Ry, I stopped caring about a lot of things. I mean I went through the motions of painting my son's new room and getting it set up, but my heart was not in it. But for some reason today as I was talking to God He told me I needed to get things in order again and I'd be happier. I'd feel proud again. And then this morning the baby was really moving and I felt his little acrobats and it filled me with joy and I wanted things in order again so that when it comes I will not be overwhelmed and I will be ready!
You see, I was told that this one has a huge potential of coming sooner than Alexis did since this is my 3rd and I am high risk. That means the beginning to mid November. Yikes! That is not too far off! I am praying that God holds it in me until it's Christmas due date! Oh OK, I'd rather have it Christmas Eve, so we can be home on Christmas! That's all I want for Christmas is my Christmas baby! I am so excited! It still seems so far away. Maybe it's because I still have to wait for the baby's sex! Then it'll seem closer even though that still means I have 20 more weeks! LOL! The past months have seemed to fly by now! At the time, I felt it dragged on, but now I see that it was just the opposite! How we wish life would speed up at times and then not realize how fast it goes, and then it flies by and we think, I wish I had done that, or I wish that I could've done something differently. Looking back we never realize what we were doing at the time. We don't realize the choices we are making at that time will affect our lives forever!
Have a great Saturday!
Back to cleaning!
This is the first summer I haven't attended classes or worked due to being a high risk pregnancy. So I have had the summer off to spend with the kids, but when they are here, it's hard to do what I really need to do, because most of the time, we are out and about doing fun things! But now that they are gone for the weekend, I feel this need to get things in order once again!
You see, when things sort of ended suddenly with Ry, I stopped caring about a lot of things. I mean I went through the motions of painting my son's new room and getting it set up, but my heart was not in it. But for some reason today as I was talking to God He told me I needed to get things in order again and I'd be happier. I'd feel proud again. And then this morning the baby was really moving and I felt his little acrobats and it filled me with joy and I wanted things in order again so that when it comes I will not be overwhelmed and I will be ready!
You see, I was told that this one has a huge potential of coming sooner than Alexis did since this is my 3rd and I am high risk. That means the beginning to mid November. Yikes! That is not too far off! I am praying that God holds it in me until it's Christmas due date! Oh OK, I'd rather have it Christmas Eve, so we can be home on Christmas! That's all I want for Christmas is my Christmas baby! I am so excited! It still seems so far away. Maybe it's because I still have to wait for the baby's sex! Then it'll seem closer even though that still means I have 20 more weeks! LOL! The past months have seemed to fly by now! At the time, I felt it dragged on, but now I see that it was just the opposite! How we wish life would speed up at times and then not realize how fast it goes, and then it flies by and we think, I wish I had done that, or I wish that I could've done something differently. Looking back we never realize what we were doing at the time. We don't realize the choices we are making at that time will affect our lives forever!
Have a great Saturday!
Back to cleaning!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
A letter to all!
Time sure does fly, doesn't it? My son, Michael is 5 1/2 and is in every sport! Currently he is doing summer clinics with Baseball, Basketball, Soccer and private golf lessons. He's also in swimming, as we hope to head home to Hawaii someday! He will be starting Kindergarten this fall at Life Christian Academy, but is already ready books and doing math! I put him in Charles Wright Academy last year for pre-K because he needed something more than Preschool! It is an incredible private school! He is growing up to be such a great little boy and is always excited about something! Though he keeps me on my toes with his newest "ideas!" His newest phase is transformers of course! Michael also LOVES Starwars!
Alexis is now 3 1/2! My how she's grown! To look at her now, you'd never know she was a preemie and spent some time in the NICU! She tries to keep up with her brother and boy is she a talker! Though I couldn't have asked for a more girly girl! She loves her ballet and she loves wearing dresses and skirts! But everything has to match, from the ribbons in her hair to her panties and earrings! It's quite cute most days! Though she loves to play in the mud, right along with her brother, so I will be starting her in sports this fall! She too is in swimming and is loving it! Alexis is going into her second year of preschool, but after that she too will be put into Pre-K! Her newest phase is My little ponies and polly pocket size disney princess dolls!
Between the two I am quite busy! We try to go on family vacations once or twice a year! This year we went to Disneyland with some friends! The kids loved it! Next year I am hoping to take them back to Hawaii and we are meeting up with friends in California again!
So, what's new with me? Well, besides playing with the kids and enjoying the summer, I am still working on my Bachelor's. I am getting my BS in Biology as I'd still like to pursue Medical School. I mainly have the upper level science classes left. Also, I am 4 months pregnant with my 3rd! This is quite a surprise as well as definitely not planned! I have been in the hospital quite a bit with this one. I am high risk, but the baby seems to be very healthy as well as full of life in there! It LOVES to dance! Lately the kids and I listen to the classical station in the car and the baby really starts to move! How funny! I've recently seen pictures of it and it is getting so big! Even though this wasn't in the plans, I am so excited to have another little one again! Though, with the others potty trained and doing things on their own, it'll feel like I'm starting all over! I am scared about that! I have already fallen in love with my little bundle of joy and I know it'll be a blessing in all of our lives! We of course can't wait to find out the sex! It's daddy and I have yet to agree on a name, but my favorites are Isabella Joy Leilani and Malachi David! The daddy is a great man and a wonderful father! He really is amazing and my two love him to pieces! He has a little girl that is just adorable and just turned 4! Alexis calls her, her best friend! With the baby on the way, I am still trying to figure out how to juggle school full time, spend time with the kids and take care of this one! I am depending on God's supernatural strength to be a "super mommy!" I really want to raise it naturally if possible so I will try to keep it off formula, and make it's baby food like I did for the other 2! I just finished my last semester at NWU and made some lifelong friends there! I am heading to PLU where the stats are in the 90th percentile to get into med school! I really am enjoying school though and love learning! I think my favorite class was MicroBiology! So much to learn though!
I have to say the past year has definitely been exciting and challenging for me! God has really stretched me in ways I never wanted to be stretched! Let's just say, I've gone through the fire several times this past year; more so the past 7 months! God has brought me to a new church, Newsong City Central in Tacoma and it is so much like YWAM! I am loving being in God's presence again! There was a time not too long ago, I started to fall away from God and that is when I went through so much heartache, and life just didn't make sense any longer. This baby and losing the things and people I love has made me really come back to God! I am constantly in prayer now, more so than I've ever been in my entire life. I am constantly praying for what God lays on my heart. And I will be heading to the mountains to pray and just be alone with God for 3 or so days! It will be just me, God, my Bible, and a journal to write down everything. You see, I realized that I wanted God's divine blessing! But God has shown me that I give up too easily and give up right before He is about to give it to me! So this time I will wrestle with God, and I will hold on and not let go until He blesses me! I long to live only in His will again and walk with Him and sit in His presence! I have had the opportunity to go on mission trips and see the world and I long to live that life once again! I am training my children up in God so that they don't stray! So that they truly do the right thing and can hear God's voice! That's one thing I know of, is that I could hear the voice of God. He gave me the gift of prophecy back in 2000. But how I've walked away from my calling and it saddens me! I know that until I am back in God's complete will, he will not restore me to what He has called me to be. He will not give me any more gifts. I have repented for my sins great and small and God has assured me that they are washed away! God is so amazing, I have to say! And even if it's just the kids and I, God will be there with us! He has always come through financially as well! I've learned that when you have nothing to give and no money to give things, you give what you have and God will bless it!
Well my dear friends, yes this past year has not been a year that I would've dreamed of in a million years! I would never have dreamed of going through all the things I have gone through, but now because of it, I am a better mom, so involved in their lives, and am growing close to my loving and forgiving Savior once again! I would NEVER want to repeat this year in a million, but at the same time, I would never trade what I've gone through because I have come out a better person with a little miracle growing inside me!
The kids and I would love to hear from all of you! And some day, I hope to be able to travel to all of your homes! I'd love to know how all of you are doing and what your lives hold now! And of course, If any of you needs prayer, I'd love to pray for you! Trust me, I've gone through it all, so there's nothing I won't understand! And if you just want to talk, I am here to listen! I love you all so dearly! Please send me updates on your lives as well! I am so Glad God has placed you all in my life at some point!
May God's grace and peace abide with you and in your households! May you be able to experience the full love of God and may He richly bless your life! Keep your faith strong and remember, God is here to help us when we are confused in life! I learned that the hard way! I will NEVER walk away from Him again! Enjoy your summer's and talk to you all soon!
Alexis is now 3 1/2! My how she's grown! To look at her now, you'd never know she was a preemie and spent some time in the NICU! She tries to keep up with her brother and boy is she a talker! Though I couldn't have asked for a more girly girl! She loves her ballet and she loves wearing dresses and skirts! But everything has to match, from the ribbons in her hair to her panties and earrings! It's quite cute most days! Though she loves to play in the mud, right along with her brother, so I will be starting her in sports this fall! She too is in swimming and is loving it! Alexis is going into her second year of preschool, but after that she too will be put into Pre-K! Her newest phase is My little ponies and polly pocket size disney princess dolls!
Between the two I am quite busy! We try to go on family vacations once or twice a year! This year we went to Disneyland with some friends! The kids loved it! Next year I am hoping to take them back to Hawaii and we are meeting up with friends in California again!
So, what's new with me? Well, besides playing with the kids and enjoying the summer, I am still working on my Bachelor's. I am getting my BS in Biology as I'd still like to pursue Medical School. I mainly have the upper level science classes left. Also, I am 4 months pregnant with my 3rd! This is quite a surprise as well as definitely not planned! I have been in the hospital quite a bit with this one. I am high risk, but the baby seems to be very healthy as well as full of life in there! It LOVES to dance! Lately the kids and I listen to the classical station in the car and the baby really starts to move! How funny! I've recently seen pictures of it and it is getting so big! Even though this wasn't in the plans, I am so excited to have another little one again! Though, with the others potty trained and doing things on their own, it'll feel like I'm starting all over! I am scared about that! I have already fallen in love with my little bundle of joy and I know it'll be a blessing in all of our lives! We of course can't wait to find out the sex! It's daddy and I have yet to agree on a name, but my favorites are Isabella Joy Leilani and Malachi David! The daddy is a great man and a wonderful father! He really is amazing and my two love him to pieces! He has a little girl that is just adorable and just turned 4! Alexis calls her, her best friend! With the baby on the way, I am still trying to figure out how to juggle school full time, spend time with the kids and take care of this one! I am depending on God's supernatural strength to be a "super mommy!" I really want to raise it naturally if possible so I will try to keep it off formula, and make it's baby food like I did for the other 2! I just finished my last semester at NWU and made some lifelong friends there! I am heading to PLU where the stats are in the 90th percentile to get into med school! I really am enjoying school though and love learning! I think my favorite class was MicroBiology! So much to learn though!
I have to say the past year has definitely been exciting and challenging for me! God has really stretched me in ways I never wanted to be stretched! Let's just say, I've gone through the fire several times this past year; more so the past 7 months! God has brought me to a new church, Newsong City Central in Tacoma and it is so much like YWAM! I am loving being in God's presence again! There was a time not too long ago, I started to fall away from God and that is when I went through so much heartache, and life just didn't make sense any longer. This baby and losing the things and people I love has made me really come back to God! I am constantly in prayer now, more so than I've ever been in my entire life. I am constantly praying for what God lays on my heart. And I will be heading to the mountains to pray and just be alone with God for 3 or so days! It will be just me, God, my Bible, and a journal to write down everything. You see, I realized that I wanted God's divine blessing! But God has shown me that I give up too easily and give up right before He is about to give it to me! So this time I will wrestle with God, and I will hold on and not let go until He blesses me! I long to live only in His will again and walk with Him and sit in His presence! I have had the opportunity to go on mission trips and see the world and I long to live that life once again! I am training my children up in God so that they don't stray! So that they truly do the right thing and can hear God's voice! That's one thing I know of, is that I could hear the voice of God. He gave me the gift of prophecy back in 2000. But how I've walked away from my calling and it saddens me! I know that until I am back in God's complete will, he will not restore me to what He has called me to be. He will not give me any more gifts. I have repented for my sins great and small and God has assured me that they are washed away! God is so amazing, I have to say! And even if it's just the kids and I, God will be there with us! He has always come through financially as well! I've learned that when you have nothing to give and no money to give things, you give what you have and God will bless it!
Well my dear friends, yes this past year has not been a year that I would've dreamed of in a million years! I would never have dreamed of going through all the things I have gone through, but now because of it, I am a better mom, so involved in their lives, and am growing close to my loving and forgiving Savior once again! I would NEVER want to repeat this year in a million, but at the same time, I would never trade what I've gone through because I have come out a better person with a little miracle growing inside me!
The kids and I would love to hear from all of you! And some day, I hope to be able to travel to all of your homes! I'd love to know how all of you are doing and what your lives hold now! And of course, If any of you needs prayer, I'd love to pray for you! Trust me, I've gone through it all, so there's nothing I won't understand! And if you just want to talk, I am here to listen! I love you all so dearly! Please send me updates on your lives as well! I am so Glad God has placed you all in my life at some point!
May God's grace and peace abide with you and in your households! May you be able to experience the full love of God and may He richly bless your life! Keep your faith strong and remember, God is here to help us when we are confused in life! I learned that the hard way! I will NEVER walk away from Him again! Enjoy your summer's and talk to you all soon!
Sunday, July 8, 2007
What will come of this?
Hi again! So, I was thinking . . . As much as I want to know what is to come, and what is in store for the future, it makes me wonder that if things don't work out how I want them to, will this bring me back to God and closer than I was before? Will all the pain, hurt, and love I've gone through with Ryan change my life forever? Some days and some times lately I feel closer to God now than I have in a long time, but I also have those times where I cry out to Him to change things. It's all I can do to think about him with someone else. I guess praying for him and lifting up to God the areas of his life that God leads me to pray about is way more useful because then I am not thinking about the things that make me cry.
I guess now I wait on God. Maybe it'll get better. As of now we aren't talking at all unless I tell him how the baby is doing. Even if we don't end up together in the long run, I still pray that he comes around to be a good father. Because I can't imagine telling his child that he didn't want it. I just wish we were a whole family again. But as everyone says, that's impossible. I guess it'll take a miracle!
I guess now I wait on God. Maybe it'll get better. As of now we aren't talking at all unless I tell him how the baby is doing. Even if we don't end up together in the long run, I still pray that he comes around to be a good father. Because I can't imagine telling his child that he didn't want it. I just wish we were a whole family again. But as everyone says, that's impossible. I guess it'll take a miracle!
Saturday, July 7, 2007
Will this end?
Have you ever felt so low that there's nothing left you can do but pray? I don't mean just because you want something, but because you wake up and realize that what you were, what you thought you had, what your dreams were that you were chasing were all gone? I mean that when everything is taken from you and this is the point where you either give up and commit suicide or you turn to God and say your done, you can't go on and you have nothing left to give. Well, I hit that lately. Suicide was not even an option. I could never do that. But there came a point of denial, then hatred then blame of God, and finally emptiness, aloneness, and total isolation. Where'd I go wrong? I lay on my bed last week crying.
When you look at me I am really put together. On the outside, I am always smiling, and neatly dressed, groomed, etc. Sure I still get cat calls and men wanting to date me, even though I am pregnant. That's just what I've learned growing up. You stay hard, tuff, and put together even though your world is falling apart and you have nothing left. On the inside I was empty and so alone. I had no love whatsoever. I lie there crying wondering what real love felt like. I've loved before and still do, so I know what it's like to love but to truly be loved and feel it, I still wonder, will I ever get that. Then of course I am reminded that my children and family love me but that is not the love I speak of! It's not that that is not enough, but God put a deep desire within me to want to be a wife and have a real family.
I have to say I really hated the woman that tore Ryan and I apart. I really did. I've never hated anyone and I know God speaks against it, but dangit she ruined our family! I ask God why does she get to have the love of my life and my family? Silence. No answer. Is that how life works, I wonder? That you give someone your love, your everything and someone else gets them? I'm still not certain. But I knew I could not continue to be empty. I had to do something because I still needed to be a good mom.
So Wednesday morning, the 4th of July, God says to me quietly. Pray. Write in a Journal all your thoughts and prayers and pray! I did. I wrote and prayed all day! That night I told God I was done with this life and I refused to go back to it! I would grab a hold of Him and wrestle and not let go until He blessed me! I know Jacob did and God blessed him. I realized that I always gave up too easily. I always let go right before the blessing! I was not going to do that, this time. I needed to get away and get away now! God told me to go to the Mountains and pray for 3 days and He will speak to me. For the first time since 98' I confessed all my sins that I knew I had. I realized that I cannot go on, I cannot get blessed, my prayers won't get blessed with all that sin in my life! I realized that after I lost Jon's friendship 2 years ago, I stopped caring. I didn't care about men and turned my emotions off. I lost the first real love of my life and I blamed God for it. Yes, I had sex with some men, but I turned my emotions off and I no longer cared. Sex was just sex. That was it, no emotion ties, no strings, nothing. I guess to men, I was a dream! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I went and did that with a ton of men, but I'd go out drinking with a guy, usually a guy I was dating and have sex and walk away and never look back. It was stupid, but I wanted just for those moments to feel close to someone again. It was different with Ryan. I waited. I waited until I fell in love with him. I don't know why, but I did. And for the first time, sex had meaning! For the first time in my life, when I had sex, I gave myself completely to the man, knowing I didn't want to walk away, but I really loved him! I knew he loved me as well. It was wrong in God's eyes, I know. And yes, a miracle, our baby came of it! Do I regret having sex before marriage. I do. With the other men I didn't love or care about. Do I regret having sex with Ryan? I should, but I don't. For the first time and maybe the only time in my life, I knew why God really made sex! When you give yourself completely to someone and they to you, you become one! I regret that we weren't married, but I will never regret giving myself to him. Well, maybe I will if I ever get remarried.
So anyhow, I confessed everything. Then God said now, now is the time to pray for Ryan and to give him completely to God, because I can't do anything else. He was taken from me. We were going to talk but as I was praying, God told me to postpone it until He released me to. He said Ryan was not ready yet to receive it or talk the way we need to! I may have lost Ryan forever. I hope not, after-all he is the love of my life, and the father of my baby, but now it'll take a miracle!
So now, I wait on God and I want to be changed. I need life in me again! I need to feel alive and free and happy. I don't want to go through the motions any longer! I am told to continue to date at least this summer, and just get on with life. How does one just get on with life? I mean I know every second of every day that I am pregnant! And I still pray it's a boy! I still pray that Ryan comes around. If not for me for the children. For his child. My son sat on the couch the other day talking to me about how much he loved Ryan, and wanted to pray that God brought him back to us! He said he misses him as a daddy! He had tears in his eyes and fell asleep crying that night! I didn't want to see my son in as much pain as I am! Alexis too will start crying for what we think is no reason, then when I calm her down she will say she misses "daddy Ryan" and Jadyn. (his daughter) They both tell me how much they love them and that Jadyn is their best friend. My heart breaks for them! I use to tell them not to mention them because it hurt me so much just to hear their names, but my mom told me that I needed to let them talk about their feelings and emotions! So now I just sit and cry with them when they are sad. I told them it's OK to be sad.
So yes, I want to move on, and if it is to be with them, it'll all be up to God, now! I can't do anything anymore. I'm not up for anymore serious relationships right now, but I will still be friends with the guys! Now is a time to focus on God, the kids, getting ready for this baby and school. Am I held together on the outside? Yes! Am I scared inside! You bet! I know I have two other children, but it's been so long since I've given birth or had a baby that I am terrified. I am a single mom this time with no income so it's going to be tuff. I am planning on using cloth diapers and wipes, etc. I just can't afford it all and I gave away almost everything, thinking I was done! I have no idea how I am going to make it all work. How I am going to take care of a baby, still have time for the other two and go to school! I am going to have to rely on God's supernatural strength! I have none left and will be exhausted! So, I will be heading to the mountains soon, when my ex has the kids to pray! I will spend 3 days with God and God alone. I will wrestle with Him until He finally blesses me!
Those who know, really know me, know what I've been going through. They haven't judged me. I think that is the downfall of family. They judge you, because they see you as a mess up, a failure. They laugh at you and say what a mess now! And they say are you ever going to do something with your life. Trust me, I have a LOT of critics! I guess that's what happens when you were a "good child" and you once walked closely with God. When you fall away they are the first to point out all your faults and failures and they see you as a joke. I am constantly reminded of this when I am told I am nothing but a disappointment. That because I haven't finished my education, etc, that I am just a flake. I am told that my siblings won't even talk to me because they see me as a failure. What do you do, when the people, the one person you looked up to turns their back on you, just because their lives are put together? Do I really have to get my doctorate to me taken seriously? Like I said, I am empty. Incomplete. There has to be more to life than pain, hurt, a broken heart and being a disappointment to those who mean the most to you! There just has to be! If it's not Ryan, I beg God to bring me a husband that will love me and the kids as much as we love him! When will God see our tears, feel our pain and heal the wounds? When will He bless us?
All thoughts I leave with you today!
In tears,
Bri
When you look at me I am really put together. On the outside, I am always smiling, and neatly dressed, groomed, etc. Sure I still get cat calls and men wanting to date me, even though I am pregnant. That's just what I've learned growing up. You stay hard, tuff, and put together even though your world is falling apart and you have nothing left. On the inside I was empty and so alone. I had no love whatsoever. I lie there crying wondering what real love felt like. I've loved before and still do, so I know what it's like to love but to truly be loved and feel it, I still wonder, will I ever get that. Then of course I am reminded that my children and family love me but that is not the love I speak of! It's not that that is not enough, but God put a deep desire within me to want to be a wife and have a real family.
I have to say I really hated the woman that tore Ryan and I apart. I really did. I've never hated anyone and I know God speaks against it, but dangit she ruined our family! I ask God why does she get to have the love of my life and my family? Silence. No answer. Is that how life works, I wonder? That you give someone your love, your everything and someone else gets them? I'm still not certain. But I knew I could not continue to be empty. I had to do something because I still needed to be a good mom.
So Wednesday morning, the 4th of July, God says to me quietly. Pray. Write in a Journal all your thoughts and prayers and pray! I did. I wrote and prayed all day! That night I told God I was done with this life and I refused to go back to it! I would grab a hold of Him and wrestle and not let go until He blessed me! I know Jacob did and God blessed him. I realized that I always gave up too easily. I always let go right before the blessing! I was not going to do that, this time. I needed to get away and get away now! God told me to go to the Mountains and pray for 3 days and He will speak to me. For the first time since 98' I confessed all my sins that I knew I had. I realized that I cannot go on, I cannot get blessed, my prayers won't get blessed with all that sin in my life! I realized that after I lost Jon's friendship 2 years ago, I stopped caring. I didn't care about men and turned my emotions off. I lost the first real love of my life and I blamed God for it. Yes, I had sex with some men, but I turned my emotions off and I no longer cared. Sex was just sex. That was it, no emotion ties, no strings, nothing. I guess to men, I was a dream! Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I went and did that with a ton of men, but I'd go out drinking with a guy, usually a guy I was dating and have sex and walk away and never look back. It was stupid, but I wanted just for those moments to feel close to someone again. It was different with Ryan. I waited. I waited until I fell in love with him. I don't know why, but I did. And for the first time, sex had meaning! For the first time in my life, when I had sex, I gave myself completely to the man, knowing I didn't want to walk away, but I really loved him! I knew he loved me as well. It was wrong in God's eyes, I know. And yes, a miracle, our baby came of it! Do I regret having sex before marriage. I do. With the other men I didn't love or care about. Do I regret having sex with Ryan? I should, but I don't. For the first time and maybe the only time in my life, I knew why God really made sex! When you give yourself completely to someone and they to you, you become one! I regret that we weren't married, but I will never regret giving myself to him. Well, maybe I will if I ever get remarried.
So anyhow, I confessed everything. Then God said now, now is the time to pray for Ryan and to give him completely to God, because I can't do anything else. He was taken from me. We were going to talk but as I was praying, God told me to postpone it until He released me to. He said Ryan was not ready yet to receive it or talk the way we need to! I may have lost Ryan forever. I hope not, after-all he is the love of my life, and the father of my baby, but now it'll take a miracle!
So now, I wait on God and I want to be changed. I need life in me again! I need to feel alive and free and happy. I don't want to go through the motions any longer! I am told to continue to date at least this summer, and just get on with life. How does one just get on with life? I mean I know every second of every day that I am pregnant! And I still pray it's a boy! I still pray that Ryan comes around. If not for me for the children. For his child. My son sat on the couch the other day talking to me about how much he loved Ryan, and wanted to pray that God brought him back to us! He said he misses him as a daddy! He had tears in his eyes and fell asleep crying that night! I didn't want to see my son in as much pain as I am! Alexis too will start crying for what we think is no reason, then when I calm her down she will say she misses "daddy Ryan" and Jadyn. (his daughter) They both tell me how much they love them and that Jadyn is their best friend. My heart breaks for them! I use to tell them not to mention them because it hurt me so much just to hear their names, but my mom told me that I needed to let them talk about their feelings and emotions! So now I just sit and cry with them when they are sad. I told them it's OK to be sad.
So yes, I want to move on, and if it is to be with them, it'll all be up to God, now! I can't do anything anymore. I'm not up for anymore serious relationships right now, but I will still be friends with the guys! Now is a time to focus on God, the kids, getting ready for this baby and school. Am I held together on the outside? Yes! Am I scared inside! You bet! I know I have two other children, but it's been so long since I've given birth or had a baby that I am terrified. I am a single mom this time with no income so it's going to be tuff. I am planning on using cloth diapers and wipes, etc. I just can't afford it all and I gave away almost everything, thinking I was done! I have no idea how I am going to make it all work. How I am going to take care of a baby, still have time for the other two and go to school! I am going to have to rely on God's supernatural strength! I have none left and will be exhausted! So, I will be heading to the mountains soon, when my ex has the kids to pray! I will spend 3 days with God and God alone. I will wrestle with Him until He finally blesses me!
Those who know, really know me, know what I've been going through. They haven't judged me. I think that is the downfall of family. They judge you, because they see you as a mess up, a failure. They laugh at you and say what a mess now! And they say are you ever going to do something with your life. Trust me, I have a LOT of critics! I guess that's what happens when you were a "good child" and you once walked closely with God. When you fall away they are the first to point out all your faults and failures and they see you as a joke. I am constantly reminded of this when I am told I am nothing but a disappointment. That because I haven't finished my education, etc, that I am just a flake. I am told that my siblings won't even talk to me because they see me as a failure. What do you do, when the people, the one person you looked up to turns their back on you, just because their lives are put together? Do I really have to get my doctorate to me taken seriously? Like I said, I am empty. Incomplete. There has to be more to life than pain, hurt, a broken heart and being a disappointment to those who mean the most to you! There just has to be! If it's not Ryan, I beg God to bring me a husband that will love me and the kids as much as we love him! When will God see our tears, feel our pain and heal the wounds? When will He bless us?
All thoughts I leave with you today!
In tears,
Bri
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