Hello. First there are reasons in the Bible that permit divorce and yes, my marriage fell into those catergories. I did it to protect the children. If I were selfish I would've stayed. So there are definite reasons any pastor and God Himself would say leave and get out. I did just that. You do not need to know what happened, but if you did, you would not say another word because you'd feel like a jerk, if you knew the full truth. Yes, my kids are impacted, but trust me all who really know know that this is the best impact I could've done for them.
Second, you're funny, because real life is just that,it doesn't matter that I am a mother, actually it reaches more people because I am not some single person who goes around sleeping around, regardless of what you may think. I have had over 1,000 people read the first chapter and all of them have said how close to their own lives it is and have thanked me for being honest and going through the struggles that single people who have no responsibility or children can understand or go through. I have been asked to put public more of the story, but I am not done yet. You may not want to read about the life of a mother, but you are one in the world.
3rd, my children are my world and I have always been careful about which men I bring in their lives. Ryan and I were going to get married and loved each other at one point. I never expected things to happen as they did. I have many men ask to meet them and be a part of their lives but I have always said no way. David, the guy I dated inbetween Ryan last summer wanted to meet them. He talked about even adopting Izzy as his and us being a family. Knowing that I wasn't stupid enough to jump into anything right away after just coming out of the Ryan thing, I never said yes. I ended up going back to Ryan which yes was a mistake. Yes, my kids did hurt for a long time so even when I was seeing him again, I didn't involve the kids. Actually I didn't really tell anyone, because I was afraid to be hurt yet again, which yes did happen. When you love someone you give them that power to destroy you, he had that and did. What you don't know is that while things were good between us again, Alexis and I went to a park. I saw him and his daughter walking to his car. Not wanting to hurt my daughter again (she didn't see them) I took her and ran the opposite direction playing games with her. If I were selfish I would've ran over to him and game him a huge hug and tell him that I was so glad to see him. I didn't. I did the opposite and that is why I never even saw him wave to us! However, he drove around to where we were and called out to us. By then it was too late and Alexis saw them. She was so excited to see her "best friend" again and ran over to them. I didn't want to make a big deal about it so we went over and talked to them while the girls talked and played. If I had a choice I wouldn't have let her see him and start the hope of being sisters with his daughter all over again. I know how much it impacted her the first time. Ryan did make that decision. He didn't know what he wanted. Now it's easy for us. He's decided again that he doesn't want us again. I know I can't keep going through this and it's not fair to the kids. I can't even imagine doing this to Izzy because she'd feel abandoned every time he came and went. So don't tell me he has no impact. I already said after him that they will never meet another man until I know we are serious about getting married. I will introduce them as friends if they do meet them, as I did once before and it was no big deal. Given that I still love Ryan I don't see myself dating anytime soon anyhow. Also my kids have asked me for a daddy and said they want a man around to be there for them. Nothing made my son happier than when Ryan played with them and went to Mike's t-ball game with me! So, it would be in their best interest to someday have a man permanently in their lives. And that man will NOT be Ryan any longer. And yes, God does want us to be happy and not be alone. If you honestly think that you can get what you need from your children you are using them to try and fulfill your adult needs that they shouldn't be filling! That is being selfish and putting too much pressure on them. Any healthy Person, Christian or not would know that!
4th, education. I said I wasn't sure if I'd rather go the medical school route or be a nurse with a masters. I yes, if I do go the medical school route, I know God will provide for us and get us through. I have a strong family support standing behind me and the children will always come first. I too have several friends who are doctors and I know it's not easy. But nothing is if it's worth working for and obtaining! Besides Isabella will be in preschool by that time and only in first or so by the time I am done with school. My son will just being going into Jr. High, and I never intend on missing anything now! What you don't know is I worked very hard with my school to make sure my classes now are only in the mornings when they are in school, I have not missed one thing this year and I go on their field trips and take them to all they have, which is a LOT! I am there to make them dinner and put them to bed. I make my son's lunch every morning and put my daughter on the bus and get her off! The only time I am not with them is when they themselves are not in school! They may come an evening where I am doing a lab but I always schedule it on days where they are free and have nothing going on, so that I don't miss it. I am still a full-time student, but my children are my priority. Try going to school and being a single parent to 2 children plus having a baby and them fitting her in too! I've already ok'd it with the school and teachers to bring Izzy to all my classes except labs, so that I can still nurse her. I also brought my other two to my classes last year when they didn't have school. They would color during lecture. And the teachers always welcomed them because family is important and most of them have kids of their own! As for medical school, I have already checked into it and there are schools that really work with single moms so that they may spend time with their children! I know single moms that have done it. If it's in God's will I will do it! He knows what is best for my family, not you, not anyone else. I know what it's like to get only 4 hours of sleep, I did it all last year! I know what I am getting myself into.
Yes, I do share what is going on and I have had several people tell me they too go through what I am going through. If you can't be transparent and real, then what's the point? Yes, I screwed up. I never pretended not to. I use to so afraid what others thought, but God has freed me from that. If I can be a witness to one person, then it's worth it. God uses the screwed up, broken and sinners. He said He'd rather use those who can relate with others than those who are "perfect or think they are!" If I am so selfish and screwed up, then let me ask you, why do so many strangers share their lives with me and ask for advice? I get that everywhere I go because I am not some fake person. If they ask me if I am married, I say no. So what, I had sex outside of marriage. I have asked God for forgiveness and He has. He said others will judge but have no right to, because they themselves are full of sin. It's not like I look for others to share their lives it just happens, whether I am in a grocery store or sitting reading a magazine waiting for my kids to get done with swimming or what have you! When I was younger God told me I would be a person that people will just trust and talk to. I don't know, maybe it's because I have time for others no matter how busy I am. That is why I am not always on time. If someone talks to me and wants to spill their lives, I will give them that time, because you have no idea what they are going through and to talk about things helps others get through. Their are a few people that I hear the same story over and over again. I just smile and listen and tell them I understand. There are so many lonely people, so many hurting people in this world and if you just take a minute to listen without judgment then you'll start to see that the world is a place where people need people. No I am not perfect, far from it. I try though, and I will never pretend to be someone I am not. If my life looks screwed up, then that's great because the world, the hurting, real people can relate. I may look, sound selfish but I don't write about every little thing. So judge if you want. Because in the end, God knows my heart. He knows what I've gone through! And God has saved me from several things and I should be dead. But He still has a purpose for me. He called me His child and has ordained me for a higher calling! If I make it through the birth, it's because God still has a bigger mission left for me! I still desire to go back to the missions field as a doctor or a nurse! I am not doing it for the money, but I want to help those who can't afford it. My heart is with the children and the lost. I am pregnant for a purpose because nothing happens by accident. I can take the ridicule. But my daughter is NOT a mistake! She is a blessing and will be a joy to us all! I didn't plan on her and was done. I had my son and daughter, but God too saw the bigger picture, and He knew for some reason I'd need her! That she too has a purpose here! I will be obedient to raise them in God, and someday we all will go on the mission field as a family. My children are my world! And regardless of things if a man can't see that or love them as I do even if he is not their real father, then he's not good enough for me or them! The man God has for me and them will love them as his own just as Christ loves us, the sinners, the imperfect and unjust, the people not deserving His love as His own children!
Well I am tired and am going to go play with my son since he is home for the day because the teachers have a meeting!
Hope this appeases your comments. I don't have to justify anything.
Though it makes me curious if you say your so real, why can't you just say who you are? Why fall under anonymous? Talk about fake. Something for you to think about before you write comments or letters or judge others. First be real with yourself.
Bri
